thank u fir this thread. all of u ladies are wonderful mums. u love your children and want what's best for them and think that's what it comes down to. I've always gone thru life thinking I'm not good enough trying to loose weight. Trying to be some one different kind of just hating myself. If it wasn't for lo and my husband I would say I would be on a very different path. Drinking and doing anything just to feel normal. I don't feel like i'l ever feel normal. I just live for my husband and my lo and just keep busy. I may just go talk to someone about it. hard to describe just feels like a fog I keep swimming thru.
Mental health issues and motherhood (warning sensitive subjects)
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TryinFor1
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This is such a taboo subject but I am so glad someone brought it up. I have struggled with self harm and semi eating disorders for the last ten years, well 9. Since I was 13.
With my eating disorder, I say semi because it wasn't really by choice. I just didn't have time to eat and eventually that turned into me not eating for nearly a year. I lost 30 pounds quite quickly and then kinda leveled off at 90 pounds. I am 5'9 by the way. I weigh about 110 now but I am having issues with eating again and its starting to come off.
With my self harm, I have been going through bouts of this since I was 13. The last time I did this, oh Lord... Please don't judge me... Is about two weeks ago. My husband and I are having major major issues. He doesn't know I have ever been like this as I obviously don't just walk around flaunting it. I have several scars as well but just made up lies to what they were.
I didn't have the best childhood. My dad was in and out a lot with a drug addiction and my parents fought constantly. I moved to a new state at 13 when my parents split and that is what triggered it. I don't like to be a burden and I don't like to tell people of this stuff because my life all in all wasn't that bad. My early childhood wasn't fun but my mom was always there for me and I was spoiled rotten so can't really complain much. I feel like a poser almost but I can't help the way I cope.
None of this has affected my parenting. I did not cut while pregnant and I was happy and wouldn't dream of doing it. I came close a couple times after lo was born but NOT because of him or because I couldn't cope with motherhood. It was simply because my husband makes me feel like a worthless idiot and pushed me past my point. I felt almost guilty after. I felt like I had somehow betrayed my son because who seriously wants a mother who actually cuts herself? (By the way, these are my thoughts about myself. I would NEVER think this about another person). I still feel guilty as I watch the scars healing. I had to lie to everyone when they asked why I was wearing a jacket in 95 degree weather. It was just awful.
To answer your questions.
Mothers with mental illness can be the best mothers in the world. Just like mothers who are healthy as can be can be neglectful.
If you find out a way to stop the thoughts for good, please share. Otherwise, I am sorry. But the thoughts are always in the back of my head when going through a situation.
I would never look at someone's scars and judge them. I would feel for them though. Personally I don'tk cut if I am just upset. It takes something to just push me so thinking that person was pushed into it would make me sad.
Yes, I do suffer from these things. I have never considered it a mental illness but I suppose self mutilation isn't exactly healthy and would be classed as something. I don't know if I have feelings of depression. I get sad but I don't have any depression criteria. I think my way of coping can just be a little weird.
This does not make you a bad parent. I am not a bad parent. I am a fucking awesome mother. My child is amazing and I make sure he is WELL taken care of. We are NOT bad parents.
I don't think I have ever been this honest before either. I would not be saying anything if I knew anyone irl because I don't want anyone I actually know to know. Ah, anonymity.
Please pm if you want to talk. It IS nice to know you aren't alone.
With my eating disorder, I say semi because it wasn't really by choice. I just didn't have time to eat and eventually that turned into me not eating for nearly a year. I lost 30 pounds quite quickly and then kinda leveled off at 90 pounds. I am 5'9 by the way. I weigh about 110 now but I am having issues with eating again and its starting to come off.
With my self harm, I have been going through bouts of this since I was 13. The last time I did this, oh Lord... Please don't judge me... Is about two weeks ago. My husband and I are having major major issues. He doesn't know I have ever been like this as I obviously don't just walk around flaunting it. I have several scars as well but just made up lies to what they were.
I didn't have the best childhood. My dad was in and out a lot with a drug addiction and my parents fought constantly. I moved to a new state at 13 when my parents split and that is what triggered it. I don't like to be a burden and I don't like to tell people of this stuff because my life all in all wasn't that bad. My early childhood wasn't fun but my mom was always there for me and I was spoiled rotten so can't really complain much. I feel like a poser almost but I can't help the way I cope.
None of this has affected my parenting. I did not cut while pregnant and I was happy and wouldn't dream of doing it. I came close a couple times after lo was born but NOT because of him or because I couldn't cope with motherhood. It was simply because my husband makes me feel like a worthless idiot and pushed me past my point. I felt almost guilty after. I felt like I had somehow betrayed my son because who seriously wants a mother who actually cuts herself? (By the way, these are my thoughts about myself. I would NEVER think this about another person). I still feel guilty as I watch the scars healing. I had to lie to everyone when they asked why I was wearing a jacket in 95 degree weather. It was just awful.
To answer your questions.
Mothers with mental illness can be the best mothers in the world. Just like mothers who are healthy as can be can be neglectful.
If you find out a way to stop the thoughts for good, please share. Otherwise, I am sorry. But the thoughts are always in the back of my head when going through a situation.
I would never look at someone's scars and judge them. I would feel for them though. Personally I don'tk cut if I am just upset. It takes something to just push me so thinking that person was pushed into it would make me sad.
Yes, I do suffer from these things. I have never considered it a mental illness but I suppose self mutilation isn't exactly healthy and would be classed as something. I don't know if I have feelings of depression. I get sad but I don't have any depression criteria. I think my way of coping can just be a little weird.
This does not make you a bad parent. I am not a bad parent. I am a fucking awesome mother. My child is amazing and I make sure he is WELL taken care of. We are NOT bad parents.
I don't think I have ever been this honest before either. I would not be saying anything if I knew anyone irl because I don't want anyone I actually know to know. Ah, anonymity.
Please pm if you want to talk. It IS nice to know you aren't alone.
I would not judge at all, you are a fantastic role model, you recognised your problems and are dealing with them. I ended up suffering with depression when i was about 22 and i believe i had long before that and was told by family to suck it up. Even when i was in counciling i was told suck it up they just blame others but for me it was learning to deal with my feelings healthly and im glad i did so i can teach my daughter that. Mental health issues do not make you a bad mother
I'll keep this short, attempt to anyway, and say I understand completely. From 13 I've had depression. I thought no one loved me, thought about killing myself more than once. I began to drink every night and self harmed. I met oh and seemed better then my last year of high school I wouldn't leave the house and was depressed again. Oh once walked in on me in a boiling hot bath scratching at myself. He cried, that was something I'll always be guilty about, and promising to not cut and doing it anyway. I was fine in pregnancy, but now I'm always doubting myself as a mother, And I can see myself with depression again. I have no appetite and feel horrible eating, yesterday I had cereal because oh insisted but nothing else, the day before I ate two bites of a meal fil bought me out somewhere. I have to act strong for oh who was abused sexually by his ex and had bulimia. Life is hard, but what would be the point if it was easy? Big hugs.
highhopes19
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You are not alone 
really long post sorry 
For as far back as I can remember I have dealt with depression steming from my quite aggressive relationship with my mother amongst other things that I don't feel ready to go into. I've had councelling on and off for depression and self harm since the age of 13. I was feeling much better.
Untill I had a mc when I was 16 I felt totally unsupported by my oh he said some horrible things to me unforgivable things that I still don't forgive him for I wasn't allowed to tell anyone he said no one would care so I believed that I still haven't forgiven him 6 years on and it still hurts like yesterday. It was only when I tried ending my own life he realised I think.
When I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle I was over the moon my dark cloud lifted I had something to live for...l spent all my time looking for baby things I was so excited. Untill I was 4 months pregnant my manager started bullying me so severely at work, my whole pregnancy was a blur from then I can't remember much really now of it and it kills me something I wanted so badly something I dreamed of was completely ruined by some horrible women.. She laughed when I fainted made me feel bad for having morning sickness, hoped I died and my baby would (her words), made me lift heavy boxes up and down the stairs all day on my own... I reported this and she laughed nothing was done. Every day she picked and picked at me till I was literally nothing
By the time I was 5 months pregnant I was a mess I wasn't eating, I was hacking at my arms with razor blades, I was covered in bald patches where I tore my hair out in frustration, I even had to be pulled off the window ledge by my dad as I was attempting to jump from my bedroom window....I hate myself for thinking the next bit, I no longer loved my little girl growing inside me, I felt nothing I felt numb
. I was signed off work at 6 months pregnant for severe depression and nearly sectioned for my own health. Slowly I got myself back together.
Rest of my pregnancy didnt go as smoothly but I still felt so much better than before... My love grew back for my daughter she was my main focus. Her birth didnt go smoothly at all failed induction which left me in hospital neglected by staff for a week in agony refusing to give me pain relief then sending me home for 2 weeks till my csection I'm not sure if this caused my depression after (it certainly put me off more children) or the bullying.
When isabelle was born, I was over the moon, she was my world... Untill Tom went back to week 3 weeks later I started going back into myself I no longer wanted to hold her or take care of her I couldn't I felt not worthy enough... My feelings of love faded again to a familiar numbness, she didnt feel like my daughter but someone else's I was looking after, i didnt feel anything I felt like a robot tbh. I told my HV I felt like I wasn't in the room that I was someone looking in I didnt feel like I was in me if that makes sense (probably no it doesn't to me lol).
I got lower and lower.... I completely relied on others to care for her as I couldn't I would lay in bed all day everyday for the next few months crying constantly I didnt move.
I can't remember anything of Isabelle's first year I can't remember her as a tiny newborn baby, her first smile, her first steps, first Xmas nothing.... I ave baby books I can't fill in because what can I put I don't know nothing to go in there and it breaks my heart I've missed everything.... Iwas there but I wasn't it doesn't sense.
My lowest I think was going along in the car Tom driving and me opening the car door trying to throw myself out when Isabelle was about 8 months old.
I'm no where near better I know my family judge me for being ill I wish they didnt but they do... I never judge anyone for mental illness to me its like any other physical illness you wouldn't judge someone for having a noticable condition so why should we be judged.
I'm back at work now and my new manager is very supportive which helps and moving out of my parents was my biggest help I feel I can rebond and catch up on everything I have missed with Isabelle... We are closer than ever she is my best friend.... Now when my depression is at its lowest she is the only thing keeping me here
Hugs to you all
really long post sorry For as far back as I can remember I have dealt with depression steming from my quite aggressive relationship with my mother amongst other things that I don't feel ready to go into. I've had councelling on and off for depression and self harm since the age of 13. I was feeling much better.
Untill I had a mc when I was 16 I felt totally unsupported by my oh he said some horrible things to me unforgivable things that I still don't forgive him for I wasn't allowed to tell anyone he said no one would care so I believed that I still haven't forgiven him 6 years on and it still hurts like yesterday. It was only when I tried ending my own life he realised I think.
When I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle I was over the moon my dark cloud lifted I had something to live for...l spent all my time looking for baby things I was so excited. Untill I was 4 months pregnant my manager started bullying me so severely at work, my whole pregnancy was a blur from then I can't remember much really now of it and it kills me something I wanted so badly something I dreamed of was completely ruined by some horrible women.. She laughed when I fainted made me feel bad for having morning sickness, hoped I died and my baby would (her words), made me lift heavy boxes up and down the stairs all day on my own... I reported this and she laughed nothing was done. Every day she picked and picked at me till I was literally nothing
By the time I was 5 months pregnant I was a mess I wasn't eating, I was hacking at my arms with razor blades, I was covered in bald patches where I tore my hair out in frustration, I even had to be pulled off the window ledge by my dad as I was attempting to jump from my bedroom window....I hate myself for thinking the next bit, I no longer loved my little girl growing inside me, I felt nothing I felt numb
. I was signed off work at 6 months pregnant for severe depression and nearly sectioned for my own health. Slowly I got myself back together.Rest of my pregnancy didnt go as smoothly but I still felt so much better than before... My love grew back for my daughter she was my main focus. Her birth didnt go smoothly at all failed induction which left me in hospital neglected by staff for a week in agony refusing to give me pain relief then sending me home for 2 weeks till my csection I'm not sure if this caused my depression after (it certainly put me off more children) or the bullying.
When isabelle was born, I was over the moon, she was my world... Untill Tom went back to week 3 weeks later I started going back into myself I no longer wanted to hold her or take care of her I couldn't I felt not worthy enough... My feelings of love faded again to a familiar numbness, she didnt feel like my daughter but someone else's I was looking after, i didnt feel anything I felt like a robot tbh. I told my HV I felt like I wasn't in the room that I was someone looking in I didnt feel like I was in me if that makes sense (probably no it doesn't to me lol).
I got lower and lower.... I completely relied on others to care for her as I couldn't I would lay in bed all day everyday for the next few months crying constantly I didnt move.
I can't remember anything of Isabelle's first year I can't remember her as a tiny newborn baby, her first smile, her first steps, first Xmas nothing.... I ave baby books I can't fill in because what can I put I don't know nothing to go in there and it breaks my heart I've missed everything.... Iwas there but I wasn't it doesn't sense.
My lowest I think was going along in the car Tom driving and me opening the car door trying to throw myself out when Isabelle was about 8 months old.
I'm no where near better I know my family judge me for being ill I wish they didnt but they do... I never judge anyone for mental illness to me its like any other physical illness you wouldn't judge someone for having a noticable condition so why should we be judged.
I'm back at work now and my new manager is very supportive which helps and moving out of my parents was my biggest help I feel I can rebond and catch up on everything I have missed with Isabelle... We are closer than ever she is my best friend.... Now when my depression is at its lowest she is the only thing keeping me here
Hugs to you all
MetalMaiden
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It makes me feel better to tell myself I just have shitty coping mechanisms and gives me something to work on with myself... I kno i have unhealthy thoughts and habits and such... I hate thinking of myself as mentally ill... Because i swear im not or something... its not bad or shameful to be so but it / was just a very difficult and confusing time, I just don't like to think about it. This thread really hits home for me. Sorry OP I feel like I'm takin over ur thread but I wanna say thanks to the new posts too. I used to have lame excuses like the cat scratched me and everyone "bought it" and left it alone. Dabbled in substances, just generally lost and in anguish. I prolly cud of used stitches once or twice but I cud not face the docs cuz I've been led to believe (whether true, relevant or not) that I will be forever labelled and have to pay extra life insurance and all that crap. If its true, then society sucks that ppl can't get the help they need without bring "judged" somehow. If u saw me on the street u wud have no idea either.. Very closeted experiences
RoxieHart
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Ladies your all beautiful, really. Thank you, I was having doubts about posting this thread but I feel a sense of relief knowing I'm not the only one..
I still plan to pm you all personally soon .. It's nice to talk.
Maybe we can use this thread to talk about how we are feeling every day? When things get rough or anything is triggering, just post here?
Thanks for your replies and stories xxx
I still plan to pm you all personally soon .. It's nice to talk.
Maybe we can use this thread to talk about how we are feeling every day? When things get rough or anything is triggering, just post here?
Thanks for your replies and stories xxx
sequeena
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That's the thing about mental illness, unless you're going crazy in the street no-one would know 
I have taken drugs in the past too, anything to block out the pain 
I can't get life insurance either 
Well I plucked up the courage to tell OH that I need help. I didn't really get much of a response
my OH finds it hard to voice his emotions but it did hurt that I didn't even get a cuddle I'll be making a doctor's appointment on Monday.
Having problems with my front door. My landlord paid someone to change it and he's done the door but left the trim on either side. He said more than 2 weeks ago he'd fix it. Both LL and I have been contacting him, he said he was on holiday!!
Thomas has been trying to eat the insulation that's exposed so that's been stressful. Now the door has seized up and is very hard to open. The man is meant to fix it today at 5pm but I'm due an ASDA shop and I'm worried about the damn door. As if I don't panic enough about strangers coming to my house!!!
I have taken drugs in the past too, anything to block out the pain I can't get life insurance either Well I plucked up the courage to tell OH that I need help. I didn't really get much of a response
my OH finds it hard to voice his emotions but it did hurt that I didn't even get a cuddle I'll be making a doctor's appointment on Monday.Having problems with my front door. My landlord paid someone to change it and he's done the door but left the trim on either side. He said more than 2 weeks ago he'd fix it. Both LL and I have been contacting him, he said he was on holiday!!
Thomas has been trying to eat the insulation that's exposed so that's been stressful. Now the door has seized up and is very hard to open. The man is meant to fix it today at 5pm but I'm due an ASDA shop and I'm worried about the damn door. As if I don't panic enough about strangers coming to my house!!!
sequeena
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RoxieHart
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Im glad! Yeah I'm okay. I woke up this morning with the weird hang over like feeling I used to get after a stressful night self harming and feeling down like I used to have. It was weird ..
Keep this thread going for support. When I woke up this was the first thing I came back to
Xx
DaisyvonStarr
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Heya
Thank you for sharing this with us. I too am a self harm survivor. I have self harmed for about 13 years. It is one of those things that unless you have been there with it you will probably never fully understand it. I described it to people at one point as almost an addiction. It was my release and yes everyday I worry that I will do it again.
I have a little girl whom I do not have at the weekends. For a long time after breaking up with her dad and getting with my fiancé now I would binge on alcohol at the weekends when she wasn't here. This in turn led to me coming home after a night out and self harming really badly (I don't remember much of this) and actually trying to drown myself in my bath :s I never really did anything whilst my little girl was with me as I would never want to do anything to lose her.. My fiancé eventually took me to the Drs and I was put on anti depressants and sleeping tablets.
Luckily for once I actually gave the pills a chance and I am so happy to say they have worked! I never believed in medication and always thought no one should mask their depression but all they are doing is raising my serotonin levels! Since being stable we decided to try for a baby and I am now happily pregnant. I haven't felt this good in a long time and just being able to get out of bed early in the morning and eating properly throughout the day is an achievement in its self. I have had times where I have felt like a bad mum because I have depression but we just need to look at our happy and healthy babies to realise we are doing more than ok.
Never let anyone judge you for your past. You cannot help having depression, but you can get stronger and better
Your scars are just that, scars. They do not define you, they do not represent how good you are as a parent. Feel proud that you are fighting this and take each day as it comes
Sorry for my rant, I just want you to know you're not the only one out there dealing with this. You are not alone..
Daisy
Xx
Thank you for sharing this with us. I too am a self harm survivor. I have self harmed for about 13 years. It is one of those things that unless you have been there with it you will probably never fully understand it. I described it to people at one point as almost an addiction. It was my release and yes everyday I worry that I will do it again.
I have a little girl whom I do not have at the weekends. For a long time after breaking up with her dad and getting with my fiancé now I would binge on alcohol at the weekends when she wasn't here. This in turn led to me coming home after a night out and self harming really badly (I don't remember much of this) and actually trying to drown myself in my bath :s I never really did anything whilst my little girl was with me as I would never want to do anything to lose her.. My fiancé eventually took me to the Drs and I was put on anti depressants and sleeping tablets.
Luckily for once I actually gave the pills a chance and I am so happy to say they have worked! I never believed in medication and always thought no one should mask their depression but all they are doing is raising my serotonin levels! Since being stable we decided to try for a baby and I am now happily pregnant. I haven't felt this good in a long time and just being able to get out of bed early in the morning and eating properly throughout the day is an achievement in its self. I have had times where I have felt like a bad mum because I have depression but we just need to look at our happy and healthy babies to realise we are doing more than ok.
Never let anyone judge you for your past. You cannot help having depression, but you can get stronger and better
Your scars are just that, scars. They do not define you, they do not represent how good you are as a parent. Feel proud that you are fighting this and take each day as it comes Sorry for my rant, I just want you to know you're not the only one out there dealing with this. You are not alone..
Daisy
Xx
MetalMaiden
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No Roxie I am good to go... It sounds gay but I literally moved as far west as I could smack into the middle of nature and I've recovered myself over the past few years. I wish there had been something like this back then when I really needed it. It's kind of a faded black cloud... I've dealt with everything, now it's just day to day maintenance and gets easier as the time goes on. Just gotta stay positive. Negativity really bugs me, there are always ppl dealing with worse situations.
detterose
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Hi hun. Thanks for sharing your story. I would too like to come forth and admit I am an ED and self harm survivor. I struggled with depression from the young age of 11 right up until I was about 20. I fell pregnant with my son in May 2012 and immediately came off my antidepressants. I was fine my whole pregnancy but I did suffer with PND after birth so I am now back on them. I am not ashamed. I do what I have to do to be the best mummy I can to my little man. Our children will grow up knowing we did everything for them. You arent alone 
just at mil's, she was talking about a girl she saw who selfharmed and how vile it was.. so glad my scars have faded.. she also told oh he had man boobs and is getting a 'tummy'. He's 6ft and just under 11 stone, hardly what you'd call obese. Really annoyed me seeing that hes a recovering Bulimic grrr I guess it's true that unless you've been through it yourself you'll never understand so glad you ladies all came forward to support eachother.
so glad you ladies all came forward to support eachother.
sequeena
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That's awful, from him mother too.Whilst I was pregnant I had a lot of problems with my son so was often in and out of hospital having scans (my waters broke, rehealed 10 weeks later but I had low waters throughout the rest of my pregnancy). Once whilst on the bus to the hospital a group of girls got on and sat next to me and OH. I saw them looking at one very red angry scar on my arm (which has since got a lot less red so hoping for it to fade in the next few years) and then one of them said oh that's disgusting put it away etc I felt sick. It's taken me a while to gain the confidence to wear short sleeved tops again. People are so judgemental, I feel sorry for them.
Sequeena, I would have told them their faces make me sick but that's just me.. I posted on here the other day also about how mil was talking about me getting oh drunk and taking advantage of him when Lucy was conceived, and carried on when I said I was being made to sound like a rapist. (Which is worse because oh's ex abused him like that) she never thinks before she speaks. OH has had to convince me to come today
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