Mental health issues and motherhood (warning sensitive subjects)

[sequeena]

Sequeena, I would have told them their faces make me sick but that's just me.. I posted on here the other day also about how mil was talking about me getting oh drunk and taking advantage of him when Lucy was conceived, and carried on when I said I was being made to sound like a rapist. (Which is worse because oh's ex abused him like that) she never thinks before she speaks. OH has had to convince me to come today

Wow. WOW!! What was your OHs reaction to that?

I was simply too embarrassed to do or say anything. My poor OH wanted to step in but I reminded him we were in a rough area and it wouldn't have been a good idea.

 

[TryinFor1]

Sequeena, I would have told them their faces make me sick but that's just me.. I posted on here the other day also about how mil was talking about me getting oh drunk and taking advantage of him when Lucy was conceived, and carried on when I said I was being made to sound like a rapist. (Which is worse because oh's ex abused him like that) she never thinks before she speaks. OH has had to convince me to come today

I probably would have cried but how sweet your husband wanted to step in.

KB: your mil thinks you raped your oh to conceive Lucy? That is seriously messed up!

 

[RoxieHart]

Kbwebb no offence to your mil but those are the types of people I hate! If I was you I would have been crushed. I feel so awkward when I'm around people that talk about self harm like talking about how wrong or horrible it is.. Or when people say like as a joke 'ahh man this is so boring I wanna slit my wrists' or 'don't make me cut myself' like as a joke ...

Sequeena that's awful! I would of cried! Luckily noone has been nasty to me like that, one person I sat next to on a bus saw my wrists as I was on the phone and she tapped me and said 'you shouldn't do that to yourself...' I just smiled at her then carried on with my call ... I felt so embarrassed !

 

[TryinFor1]

What is funny for me... Or not really funny... But you know what I mean..

I have a huge scar on my wrist going almost halfway up my forearm and I get stares and people look at that all the time. It really looks like I attempted suicide. Its funny to looks I get because I actually broke my arm and had surgery on it, hence the major scar.

They don't even notice the other ones, if one accidentally slips into view. Its ok I guess.. I like it better that way.

But really op, I am so glad you made this thread. I have really been struggling because of serious issues with oh and I feel so alone with my thoughts sometimes. Its nice to chat to other women who GET IT.

I wonder all the time if I will ever not have the thoughts in the back of my head. Like, I am 22 now. But in 8 years, when I am 30, am I still going to be doing this?

 

[RoxieHart]

What is funny for me... Or not really funny... But you know what I mean..

I have a huge scar on my wrist going almost halfway up my forearm and I get stares and people look at that all the time. It really looks like I attempted suicide. Its funny to looks I get because I actually broke my arm and had surgery on it, hence the major scar.

They don't even notice the other ones, if one accidentally slips into view. Its ok I guess.. I like it better that way.

But really op, I am so glad you made this thread. I have really been struggling because of serious issues with oh and I feel so alone with my thoughts sometimes. Its nice to chat to other women who GET IT.

I wonder all the time if I will ever not have the thoughts in the back of my head. Like, I am 22 now. But in 8 years, when I am 30, am I still going to be doing this?

It's funny what people notice and assume!

I'm sorry you've been struggling with it. Do you currently still cut? Or just still have the lingering thoughts? Xx

 

[TryinFor1]

Ugh I feel bad answering. I guess currently? Two weeks ago about was the last time. Its off and on. Every few months or so. I feel really ashamed to be a mom and doing that. I am a damn good mom but still. You guys know what I mean.

It just sucks. I hate it but I can't stop. its just my way of dealing

 

[sequeena]

I saw a girl a few weeks ago wearing a sleveless top. Her entire arms from the wrist up were covered in slashes. My heart broke for her. I have 4 scars one on my left thigh 3 on my right arm. I can't even imagine covering myself. I hope she's got help.

 

[sequeena]

Tryin have you seen someone about it? Please try.

I'm going to spoiler this it may be triggering

Spoiler

i still think about it sometimes because the release felt good. I only felt pain when it was healing. Its why im still neverous around knives i worry i will relapse

 

[kbwebb]

I didn't explain, she was saying it as a joke, saying oh that's what you meant when you said I took care of him when he was drunk. But with ohs past it was very offensive. Another thing is that the bitch who abused him is at a party he's working at tonight, his dads the dj, he says he's fine but he's terrified.

 

[sequeena]

She can't hurt him now

 

[RoxieHart]

Ugh I feel bad answering. I guess currently? Two weeks ago about was the last time. Its off and on. Every few months or so. I feel really ashamed to be a mom and doing that. I am a damn good mom but still. You guys know what I mean.

It just sucks. I hate it but I can't stop. its just my way of dealing

Don't be ashamed. It doesn't make you any less of a mum. It's an issue within you, not an issue with your parent. Be strong.

Jeeez, I do feel a bit weird and crap tonight..

 

[TryinFor1]

Sequeena, your spoiler pretty much hit the nail on the head! I should probably go talk to someone but I don't want to tell anyone in real life. So I don't really know if that is an option. I don't know if I could share it with someone face to face anyway.

And I wasn't looking for reassurance! I hope my post didn't seem like that! Its just, I am ashamed of it. I can't help that. But I am a good mom I know!!

 

[topsy]

Hi Girlies

HUGs TO YOU ALL xxxx

I think this maybe a LONG post

I have suffered from MH issues since i was 18 ish, anxiety, depression, social anxiety, self harm, PTSD I been on nearly every antidepressant going, had counselling, stress management, cbt EMDR am currently having sessions with a mental health nurse weekly for mindfulness ( I refused to go to a group) and see my psychologist and MH nurse once a week too. I have been under the crisis team several times.

Since having LO it has got worse, I have severe PND and psychosis and often hear voices ( been on different meds but none stop the voices) I am TRYING to learn how to "control" them. The end of last year I was hospitalized for 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit I barley recognized DH or LO couldn't look after me let alone LO. They had to feed me at first. It was a heartbreaking time.

would love to say I have been better since coming out but its an ongoing battle-I wander out of the house in the middle of the night and the police have brought me back finding me in a "confused state" have constant panic and anxiety attacks. i have had to surrender my driving licence to the DVLA and am not likly to be allowed it back anytime soon.

I am afraid it has effected my ability to be a mum, and that breaks my heart I have not been on my own with LO, more than 15 mins since last sep/oct time. It effects my every day life-the furthest I have been on my own since last Aug is to the library- 4 houses up and to LO nursery 7 mins walk away, and managed to do the shopping in a supermarket while DH and Lo was in the car outside (LO was asleep). That is it. I have a carer 2 1/2 days a week, and am just adding another one 3 x 3 hour s a week to take me out to the gym. LO goes to nursery 2 days a week, cause I feel they can look after him better than I can-Its hard to be this honest.

I have been on some pretty strong med and am on sleeping tablets, I have got up to go to LO in the night and fallen over stair gates and cats! ( sounds funny but the bruises arnt) DH mostly takes over the care of LO at night now _he still often wakes up after sleeping through for 2 months! Although am in the middle of a meds change and have been managing to get up with him so feel a bit more like a mum.

i struggled with motivation to wash and dress myself let alone look after the house and cook and look after LO.

When out shopping with my LO, I look at mum carrying children and putting them in the trollet chatting to them and carrying out there normal everyday lifes and thing "why cant I just do that"

To make it worse I worked as a nursery nurse for almost 10 years a nanny for 1 1/2 where I looked after a 7 month old did 14 hour days and was fine. Give me my own baby and I cant cope!

So while it has effected me looking after LO- It proves from all the post here, it dose not make YOU a bad parent.

I just wanted to let anyone who has MH problems you are not alone.

Ill come back and post on here if its ok?

xxxx

EDIT-When I came out of hospital childrens service were involved with LO he was a child "In need2 due to my needs-they were nothing but supportive and they have no issues with how Lo is cared for, and we have been discharged from them now-which is a positive step and makes me feel a better parents xxx

 

[RoxieHart]

Hi Girlies

HUGs TO YOU ALL xxxx

I think this maybe a LONG post

I have suffered from MH issues since i was 18 ish, anxiety, depression, social anxiety, self harm, PTSD I been on nearly every antidepressant going, had counselling, stress management, cbt EMDR am currently having sessions with a mental health nurse weekly for mindfulness ( I refused to go to a group) and see my psychologist and MH nurse once a week too. I have been under the crisis team several times.

Since having LO it has got worse, I have severe PND and psychosis and often hear voices ( been on different meds but none stop the voices) I am TRYING to learn how to "control" them. The end of last year I was hospitalized for 10 weeks in a mother and baby unit I barley recognized DH or LO couldn't look after me let alone LO. They had to feed me at first. It was a heartbreaking time.

would love to say I have been better since coming out but its an ongoing battle-I wander out of the house in the middle of the night and the police have brought me back finding me in a "confused state" have constant panic and anxiety attacks. i have had to surrender my driving licence to the DVLA and am not likly to be allowed it back anytime soon.

I am afraid it has effected my ability to be a mum, and that breaks my heart I have not been on my own with LO, more than 15 mins since last sep/oct time. It effects my every day life-the furthest I have been on my own since last Aug is to the library- 4 houses up and to LO nursery 7 mins walk away, and managed to do the shopping in a supermarket while DH and Lo was in the car outside (LO was asleep). That is it. I have a carer 2 1/2 days a week, and am just adding another one 3 x 3 hour s a week to take me out to the gym. LO goes to nursery 2 days a week, cause I feel they can look after him better than I can-Its hard to be this honest.

I have been on some pretty strong med and am on sleeping tablets, I have got up to go to LO in the night and fallen over stair gates and cats! ( sounds funny but the bruises arnt) DH mostly takes over the care of LO at night now _he still often wakes up after sleeping through for 2 months! Although am in the middle of a meds change and have been managing to get up with him so feel a bit more like a mum.

i struggled with motivation to wash and dress myself let alone look after the house and cook and look after LO.

When out shopping with my LO, I look at mum carrying children and putting them in the trollet chatting to them and carrying out there normal everyday lifes and thing "why cant I just do that"

To make it worse I worked as a nursery nurse for almost 10 years a nanny for 1 1/2 where I looked after a 7 month old did 14 hour days and was fine. Give me my own baby and I cant cope!

So while it has effected me looking after LO- It proves from all the post here, it dose not make YOU a bad parent.

I just wanted to let anyone who has MH problems you are not alone.

Ill come back and post on here if its ok?

xxxx

Thank you so much for being brave enough to post your story here! I admire your bravery, all you have been through and are still going through you can take the time to talk to me/us here. I appreciate it. I really do.

You are NOT a bad parent. End of.

What I've learnt from posting this is having mental health issues do not define you as a parent!

Yes please do keep posting here! Personally I would like that, I've always got things to say, I'd find it nice myself to keep posting here ...

I hope your doing okay today!! Xxx

 

[topsy]

Thanks hun,

Today has been good, been out with DH and LO to look at new (second hand) cars and grabbed some bits at the shop_its nice weekend make me feel normal-because you see people doing family things and we do it too-go out together because we want to not because I NEED somone with me- and I know that we look normal If that makes sense!

Hope your day has been ok hun?

I am liking the rain we are getting its cooled it down here

I have taken sleeping meds so will have to collapse in bed, but will post again tomorrow.

xxx

 

[RoxieHart]

Thanks hun,

Today has been good, been out with DH and LO to look at new (second hand) cars and grabbed some bits at the shop_its nice weekend make me feel normal-because you see people doing family things and we do it too-go out together because we want to not because I NEED somone with me- and I know that we look normal If that makes sense!

Hope your day has been ok hun?

I am liking the rain we are getting its cooled it down here

I have taken sleeping meds so will have to collapse in bed, but will post again tomorrow.

xxx

Aww that's nice! I'm glad you've had a good weekend!

Are you from the UK? It's just started raining here too, which I'm happy about as well! It's cooled everything down !!

I'm okay! Just been keeping busy with my LO today. Mummy wise I'm feeling fine, but when I get a minute to myself or when LOs asleep I've just been feeling weird! Haven't felt like this since before getting pregnant, but just have to get through it!

Talk tomorrow lovely! Xx

 

[TryinFor1]

Having a hard time tonight. Oh was mean as fuck to the baby so got upset and asked him to stop being so mean (not in a rude way either, just asked him why he was being so mean) and he started calling me a whiny bitch and said he wanted a new wife, wait no, he wanted a new life completely. We have been having so many problems its really getting at me.

Also, my razor I used the other day fell off the top of the shower ledge right after a fight with him. Put it away, but that definitely stuck the thought in my mind.

 

[RoxieHart]

Having a hard time tonight. Oh was mean as fuck to the baby so got upset and asked him to stop being so mean (not in a rude way either, just asked him why he was being so mean) and he started calling me a whiny bitch and said he wanted a new wife, wait no, he wanted a new life completely. We have been having so many problems its really getting at me.

Also, my razor I used the other day fell off the top of the shower ledge right after a fight with him. Put it away, but that definitely stuck the thought in my mind.

I hope your okay and haven't gone for it.. How come you guys were arguing? Is everything alright? Was this just a one off or is it happening a lot? I'm sorry he has said those things to you!

 

[topsy]

Roxie-yep am in the uk, it rained for almost an hour yay cooled it down a bit.

Glad mummy wise you are ok, but sorry you are feeling a bit weird hun, when you do get time for yourself-bet I bet them mins are few and far between with a LO.

I actually slept well untill 4.50am when LO was up, but DH got up with him. I feel much more me when I sleep, but seem to need 7 hours plus. Hmmm. Have just blitz the house with Hubbies help-I still struggle to keep up with housework, but am much better than I was at least i want to do it now!

Hope your days going ok hun?

Tryingfor1- sorry you had an argument with OH, I hope things are a little better today?

Take care girls xxx

 

[TryinFor1]

It happens all the time. I actually posted a thread about it not long ago. He is so mean to me. Extremely verbally abusive. I honestly think if I told him about cutting he would call me sick and a bad mother and everything else you can think of. I don't think he would be sweet and understanding and caring. He would use it to bash me.

We were arguing because the baby is teething and was having a hard time falling back asleep. It was two in the morning when that happened. Oh was being mean to him and yelling at him so I went out there and asked him why he was acting like that and he got mad and started yelling at me. This happens almost every day. He calls me stupid all the time and a bad mother. He used to be so wonderful and now he just hates me.

I didn't do it. Lord knows I wanted to. But no, just tucked it away back where it was.

I have also only eaten one meal in three days. My eating habits are becoming an issue again too. Damn it!