Mid June and July Firecrackers Group Due June/July 2017!

[PrettyInInk42]

I was just on babycentre.com, looking into what to expect at 17 weeks. They mention a few common dream themes and this is one of them:

"Your mate is straying. If you dream that your partner hooks up with an ex-girlfriend or a total stranger, it can signal insecurity about holding his love and attention through a time of great change. Right now, you're dependent on the goodwill and support of those around you, especially your partner. Fearing his loss is a common emotional reaction to being pregnant."

I just had a dream like this last night. I dreamt the baby's father showed up at my house, in a car with 3 people I'm never seen before. He was clean shaven (he's pretty much always had a beard) and he told me him and those other people were going to Florida for a month. Slightly later in the dream, he told me he wanted to "change the rules" of our friendship. To me, this meant he was gonna go hook up with other girls. We're friends with benefits, but we act very couple-y. I gave him a really long kiss and then let him go. When I woke up, I told him about it and we kind of laughed, but it shook me a little. : /

 

[DobbyForever]

Hugs. I'm sorry. Are you maybe concerned about how your relationship might change/what his relationship to the baby will be?

Misery loves company, take out the appearance of girls and FL trip, but that basically just happened irl for me.

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Hugs. I'm sorry. Are you maybe concerned about how your relationship might change/what his relationship to the baby will be?

Misery loves company, take out the appearance of girls and FL trip, but that basically just happened irl for me.

Oh, I'm definitely concerned. He's said for years he doesn't want kids. I do, and this whole situation was not planned. I feel like when he finds out, he's not gonna want to see me anymore.

 

[DobbyForever]

I hear you. As soon as I feel, ex had settled on not having kids again and every time I think he is coming around it's just some mind game to trick me into making a bad decision. I'm scared once he realizes I'm way past 14 weeks I won't see him again until we are in court for child support. It usually doesn't bother me but today I have been crying and crying after what he said and knowing we're approaching d-day

 

[PrettyInInk42]

I hear you. As soon as I feel, ex had settled on not having kids again and every time I think he is coming around it's just some mind game to trick me into making a bad decision. I'm scared once he realizes I'm way past 14 weeks I won't see him again until we are in court for child support. It usually doesn't bother me but today I have been crying and crying after what he said and knowing we're approaching d-day

Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that.

I'm thinking of drawing up a contract for my guy; one to absolve him from any parental duties. I have enough other support in my life, and I'm pretty good at budgeting. So, I'm not gonna ask him for anything since this is something he didn't ask for. I'm hoping this'll make him hate me less.

 

[DobbyForever]

Yeah, I have a few guy friends who signed away their rights. My stepdad is a family law attorney though and he said more often than not he has seen the kids find out and then actually blame the mom for the dad signing the papers. Plus, I can't afford daycare here even with budgeting. I make too much to get reduced rates or any aid, but I lose 55% of my check before it gets to me then 75% of what I get goes to my mortgage. But my situation is different because I got pregnant expecting two incomes and a happily ever after that got ripped away from me days before my positive

 

[DobbyForever]

Sorry for ranting just had a sad moment/day and needed to vent

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Yeah, I have a few guy friends who signed away their rights. My stepdad is a family law attorney though and he said more often than not he has seen the kids find out and then actually blame the mom for the dad signing the papers. Plus, I can't afford daycare here even with budgeting. I make too much to get reduced rates or any aid, but I lose 55% of my check before it gets to me then 75% of what I get goes to my mortgage. But my situation is different because I got pregnant expecting two incomes and a happily ever after that got ripped away from me days before my positive

Hmm, I never thought about the kids being pissed at the mom. I'm just doing this for his peace of mind. So he knows I'm not gonna come after him for money or whatever. If he wants to be involved, great. But nothing he's ever said has given me that impression.

 

[DobbyForever]

I never thought about it either until he said it. My guy friends were happy, but they wanted nothing to do with the mom or baby once they found out. I haven't met someone who stayed in contact with the mom or kid but signed their rights away. Usually guys do that if they want a clean out. but I think if you say just that like the whole I'm not coming after you for money let's be friends face to face it does leave the door open later if you change you mind. I have female friends who wish they had gone Forbes support but didn't.

Did he say why no to kids? Any chance he might change his mind?

 

[PrettyInInk42]

I never thought about it either until he said it. My guy friends were happy, but they wanted nothing to do with the mom or baby once they found out. I haven't met someone who stayed in contact with the mom or kid but signed their rights away. Usually guys do that if they want a clean out. but I think if you say just that like the whole I'm not coming after you for money let's be friends face to face it does leave the door open later if you change you mind. I have female friends who wish they had gone Forbes support but didn't.

Did he say why no to kids? Any chance he might change his mind?

He's said small babies make him uncomfortable. Like, they're very fragile and he doesn't know what to do with them. He wouldn't even be near his 3 month old cousin at XMas. I actually spent like 70% of the tie holding her, when her mom wasn't breastfeeding and I loved it. He's said that at least toddlers are easier to deal with cuz they understand more than babies. But then he did make the comment about wanting to "murder" some kid who was screaming in an elevator the other day.

Most people have said maybe he'll surprise me, and I'd like to believe that, but I can't let myself get too hopeful. I tend to get let down very easily. But I do hope that he'll miss me enough to maybe be a tiny bit open-minded.

 

[DobbyForever]

Aww I think we all are a little cranky around babies who cry when you aren't used to babies lol. But it sounds like just the newborn stage freaks him out. Maybe you two can work something out where he stays in touch and as baby gets older and less fragile more involved?

I get it. My people are split 50/50 he won't change to he will. We had a glimmer of hope with the nt scan pic and he momentarily felt attached. But a friend on another thread just reminded not to beat myself up too much because it's human to hope. Does anybody in his family know?

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Aww I think we all are a little cranky around babies who cry when you aren't used to babies lol. But it sounds like just the newborn stage freaks him out. Maybe you two can work something out where he stays in touch and as baby gets older and less fragile more involved?

I get it. My people are split 50/50 he won't change to he will. We had a glimmer of hope with the nt scan pic and he momentarily felt attached. But a friend on another thread just reminded not to beat myself up too much because it's human to hope. Does anybody in his family know?

I had the same idea. Guess I'll have to way and see if that's something he'd go for.

And no one knows. I'm thinking of telling his step-mom a few days before I tell him, just cuz she lives in Tennessee and we're going to visit her for a week in late March. We don't get to see her often, so I thought it'd be nice to tell her in person. This trip is also why I'm waiting another several weeks to tell him. If he does decide not to see me anymore, I don't wanna miss out on the trip.

He's also told me that a few times, at past family gatherings, when one of his young cousins would call out "Grandma", his mom would high five him and say stuff like "Thank God that's not me". (He's an only child with no kids yet). So, I dunno if she's joking or actually being serious and how much that plays into him not wanting kids. I was kind of hoping her seeing me holding the baby at XMas would make her change her views. His extended family (who I was meeting for the first time that day) kept bugging him, saying he better get me a baby and he was not having it. Little did anyone know I was already like 9+ weeks pregnant. lol

 

[Catalyst]

I think you should tell him sooner than later. He needs time to come to terms with going to be a father, specially since he wasnt planning to be one.

But about what you have said. I feel like that is just common fear of what he does not know, he does not know how to handle babies, they are small and he scared of hurting or screw up. My DH had a panic just before we were going to start TTC for our first. I was upset cause we had decited on the timing (when starting ttc) few months back. But after talking I realiced he was just scared.. he said he didnt know how to hold them, how to put diper on, how to put them in cloths and so on. But when I told him our parents didn either when they had their first, hell, my mom took me home and cried cause she didnt know what she was doing! (she was just 18 and my dad 21) but they all did a grate job, us and our sibling turned out ok and it calmed him. Then also he had the whole pregnancy to get used to the ide and all.
Also I would say today I hate kids if I was in an elevator with crying kid haha I am no babie person, but I do love my own my MIL said that to me once, she does not like children except her own, and I know it is true, she is not the lovy dovy tipe of person but she takes good care of her ppl cuddles and takes interest in theyr lives and stuff.

So dont write him off yet and do tell him. Telling him late during pregnancy might piss him off more than the tought of becoming a father (at first), like you were hiding things, keeping secret form him.

Not that you need a man in your life girls, but I feel litle bit sad though that you dont experience what I am doing, my man cuddling me, cuddling the bump, talking to it and the silly cute thingshe says, how he wonders about their gender, how they will be, how our life will change. But I think it is better to be without one if he aint a good one!

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Honestly, I'm still kind of worried about telling most people cuz of the possibility of a late term miscarriage. But I also can't tell him yet cuz of the trip. He's already bought tickets to a hockey game in the area and I really wanna go and see places I've never been before.

We still cuddle a lot, and he unknowingly snuggles up to my barely growing bump, but I've also kind of envisioned myself as a single mom. I will obviously tell him out of courtesy, but I'm just keeping my hopes low to save my own feelings. I'm not gonna be changing my number or moving, so he knows how to contact me if he wants to.

 

[DobbyForever]

Does he not pick up the bump? My ex knew I was pregnant week 6 from behavior and by week 9 said my uterus/belly felt hard and now every time he sees me it's "I see you still have a bump...". I'm pro telling him sooner but I'd be a pot calling the kettle black so lol. I keep saying this is the week and now I'm about to be 16 weeks and he still doesn't realize I'm keeping it

Catalyst I definitely lost a few tears. All my friends who are pregnant have devoted, excited partners. But I'm lucky to live by my family. I'm actually at my mom's. My two dogs snuggle my belly all day, so I get that at home. But I do get calls and texts from my parents and brothers to talk about the baby. Two brothers are so excited to be uncles, and my parents are taking me maternity shopping today. I also have a baby crazy but doesn't want one yet friend who wants to do everything with me from registering to decorating the nursery. Everyone at works fawns over me. It's not the same as a hubby, but it makes it an enjoyable pregnancy.

I'm the grey blob lol

 

[Mummafrog]

I'm also worried for you both if you wait so long to tell him pretty. I understand the worries and why you're reluctant and you don't want things to change because you like having him around and you're worried he'll be scared away. But I'm just imagining being in his shoes and finding out he's only got 3 months or so to get used to it/decide what he wants to do. And if he does want to be more involved, he might be very sad to have missed all this time of the pregnancy.
Of course you know him better than I and whatever you decide is right for you.

My hubby was the same about a new baby, he'd never held one before and was worried he'd be useless but he took to it like a fish to water and was loving it after a few days. I think they are very normal feelings, especially for men. He was only 18 when she was born bless him. He's such an involved daddy now, he stays at home with her while I work.

 

[DobbyForever]

Awww that's so sweet! I'm glad he overcame his baby fears and is such a great daddy

 

[PrettyInInk42]

Dobby - No, he hasn't noticed. I'm a little bigger to begin with, so I'm not really showing yet (pic for reference). We also don't drink much and I haven't thrown up or anything, so there really haven't been any signs.

Mumma - I get your point, but if he wants to stick around, he will. If he wants to sever ties, he will. Several weeks won't make much of a difference. If he decides to stay, he'll probably do so begrudgingly. And, if that's the case, I'll tell him don't bother. I don't want my kid trying to get someone to love them if it's never gonna happen. I'd rather save them the heartache and disappointment. And it's one thing for your husband to be worried, but open to the idea. My guy doesn't want kids. He doesn't even want me as a girlfriend. We've been "together" for 9 1/2 years, but he won't even try to make anything official between us.

 

[Gagrlinpitt]

I will tell you from outside close experience it doesn't get easier the longer you wait. My brother in law was messing around with a girl.. Got her pregnant and when she was five months pregnant he started having panic attacks. My mother in law found out when they were six months along and she was devistated she wasn't there for the whole thing.. Which is why we told them at ten weeks and we are doing a gender reveal.


You should give him time to acclimate..

 

[Catalyst]

Pregnancy brain.. I started to write, had to get up for something and forgot it and just went to bed!
But here goes:

Pritty - If it is just a question of few more weeks then maby ok. But I would think ppl would feel betraied, but like you say he hasnt made it official you are together and said he doesnt want kids, and that is the reason you are reluctant to tell him. He might turn about it but he might not, and even if you see your self as a single mom dont rule out that he wont be a part in some way of your and the babys life.
Wondering about one thing though. What will you do if he says ok, I dont want to be a part of the babys life but I want to keep things between us like they have been for the past 9 years.. do you know what you would do?

Mummafrog - DH is realy good with the boys grate dad. And even with his fears of not knowing things and how things are done when our first was born I had mergency c section so he was the one who put on his first diper and put himin his first clothes, my heart melted right there! haha so adorable and so sweet

Dobby - it is so good to have good family and friends around that share your excitement. I dont think It is any wors than a mate. I mean, I read all the time of these sucky husbands and bf that are no good as one or as dads.. just are there..
I just wish our familys are closer, I know they are excited like us but they live 4-5 hour drive away and most of our friends too, we havent made many friends here, just couple of acquaintances so all baby talk is online with you guys or with friends and family or on the phone. Wish they were closer, like for tomorrow.. we will find out the gender and we are having genderreviel cake, but it will just be us, DH and I and the boys.