MIL/Grandparent support thread

[AmethystDream]

Am I overreacting or am I right to be upset by this? I've tried to drop subtle hints and comments, but she's not getting it, so I think I'm going to need to just flat out ask her to stop...which no matter how I try, will end up being a big drama filled pity-party for her where she'll end up crying and apologizing 90 times for being a horrible human being. How should I approach this?

Not overreacting at all and, yes, very right to be upset. This is one of my hot buttons (although I just managed to type 'bottoms' instead. No idea what is going on in my head ).

You deal with it by being very straight forward but make sure that you do it in front of your DH.

MIL, I'm afraid that I'm not very comfortable with you calling yourself that. It is very close to Mama and Mummy and, to save any confusion, I'm going to refer to you as Nanny to LO in future. It is for LO's sake, and I'm sure you want what is best for her, so this is what will be happening from now on. I'd appreciate your support in this.

What is she going to do then? Bitch and moan? It will make her look like she isn't putting LO first, so it will cut down on the stupidness and get the end result you need DH can't complain because you are making a perfectly polite and reasonable request, in his presence.

 

[MizzDeeDee]

Things are getting even more unbearable with my MIL. I'm seriously going to snap. I went out for an hour the other day leaving LO with DH. As soon as I left MIL came upstairs to our apartment. DH was making dinner so MIL was holding LO. She started saying she was going to take her downstairs. DH said she couldn't and they argued. DH said that he's the father so it's up to him if LO goes to her house or not. MIL said she can do what she wants and took LO downstairs anyway. She brought her back after 5 mins or so. I don't have a problem of her taking LO downstairs for a while but the point is that she didn't ask permission and she didn't listen when DH said no. I was furious when DH told me. They had a big argument afterwards and she told DH that he's being misled by me. She didn't speak to us for a couple of days until she wanted me to take LO out with her and she was all friendly again. I've overheard her speaking to her friends making little digs at me "LO needs her mum too much" "LO can't sleep because their house is too noisy" It goes on and on. I'm trying so hard just to laugh it off or ignore it but I'm kind of sensitive and it upsets me when someone is so mean to me. I have arguments with her in my head all the time imagining what I'd say to her if I could pluck up the courage.

She sounds very entitled.

 

[AmethystDream]

Things are getting even more unbearable with my MIL. I'm seriously going to snap. I went out for an hour the other day leaving LO with DH. As soon as I left MIL came upstairs to our apartment. DH was making dinner so MIL was holding LO. She started saying she was going to take her downstairs. DH said she couldn't and they argued. DH said that he's the father so it's up to him if LO goes to her house or not. MIL said she can do what she wants and took LO downstairs anyway. She brought her back after 5 mins or so. I don't have a problem of her taking LO downstairs for a while but the point is that she didn't ask permission and she didn't listen when DH said no. I was furious when DH told me. They had a big argument afterwards and she told DH that he's being misled by me. She didn't speak to us for a couple of days until she wanted me to take LO out with her and she was all friendly again. I've overheard her speaking to her friends making little digs at me "LO needs her mum too much" "LO can't sleep because their house is too noisy" It goes on and on. I'm trying so hard just to laugh it off or ignore it but I'm kind of sensitive and it upsets me when someone is so mean to me. I have arguments with her in my head all the time imagining what I'd say to her if I could pluck up the courage.

One thing stood out to me.

"MIL said she can do what she wants and took LO downstairs anyway."

And she did, didn't she? DH didn't stop her or go and get LO back straight away, whilst telling his Mother that she was out of line. Neither did she face any consequence for openly defying your child's Father.

She can, and does, do what she wants. Until DH follows through his words with actions that match, she will continue to disregard and disrespect what he says. Easily done.

"Mother, I have told you no. If you continue to argue or attempt to walk away with my child, you won't see her at all for the next week."

Then make sure it happens. This is the only thing that will stop it. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

You heard her slagging you off? Call her on it. "I heard what you said and I don't appreciate it. People who don't respect me, do not get to spend time with us as a family. Do not do that again."

Close the access between the properties. Please. For your own sanity. If you can't, make it very clear that she is to enter on invitation only, so she must knock and be asked to come in.

 

[MizzDeeDee]

So.. here is my latest MIL drama. We are allowing her to see LO supervised with OH. I REFUSE to be around her. OH has told her to stop gossipping. She advised him that she has, that she doesn't talk to anyone anymore about us....

So on Tuesday we go to Vote in our Primary for the Presidental Election. Some lady behind the desk is asking about Corrine, how old she is... etc. She says to Corrine," Your grandmother sure loves you." then she looks at me and says, " It's the truth."... we live in a small town so every one knows everyone. She has apparently ran her mouth to this lady who feels the need to inject herself right in the middle.

OH tries to make excuses, but it's really common sense isn't it? She just can't keep her big, stupid mouth shut.

 

[AmethystDream]

So.. here is my latest MIL drama. We are allowing her to see LO supervised with OH. I REFUSE to be around her. OH has told her to stop gossipping. She advised him that she has, that she doesn't talk to anyone anymore about us....

So on Tuesday we go to Vote in our Primary for the Presidental Election. Some lady behind the desk is asking about Corrine, how old she is... etc. She says to Corrine," Your grandmother sure loves you." then she looks at me and says, " It's the truth."... we live in a small town so every one knows everyone. She has apparently ran her mouth to this lady who feels the need to inject herself right in the middle.

OH tries to make excuses, but it's really common sense isn't it? She just can't keep her big, stupid mouth shut.

Oh dear, MIL just lost her visits. Too bad, so sad.

 

[MrsHedgehog]

Things are getting even more unbearable with my MIL. I'm seriously going to snap. I went out for an hour the other day leaving LO with DH. As soon as I left MIL came upstairs to our apartment. DH was making dinner so MIL was holding LO. She started saying she was going to take her downstairs. DH said she couldn't and they argued. DH said that he's the father so it's up to him if LO goes to her house or not. MIL said she can do what she wants and took LO downstairs anyway. She brought her back after 5 mins or so. I don't have a problem of her taking LO downstairs for a while but the point is that she didn't ask permission and she didn't listen when DH said no. I was furious when DH told me. They had a big argument afterwards and she told DH that he's being misled by me. She didn't speak to us for a couple of days until she wanted me to take LO out with her and she was all friendly again. I've overheard her speaking to her friends making little digs at me "LO needs her mum too much" "LO can't sleep because their house is too noisy" It goes on and on. I'm trying so hard just to laugh it off or ignore it but I'm kind of sensitive and it upsets me when someone is so mean to me. I have arguments with her in my head all the time imagining what I'd say to her if I could pluck up the courage.

One thing stood out to me.

"MIL said she can do what she wants and took LO downstairs anyway."

And she did, didn't she? DH didn't stop her or go and get LO back straight away, whilst telling his Mother that she was out of line. Neither did she face any consequence for openly defying your child's Father.

She can, and does, do what she wants. Until DH follows through his words with actions that match, she will continue to disregard and disrespect what he says. Easily done.

"Mother, I have told you no. If you continue to argue or attempt to walk away with my child, you won't see her at all for the next week."

Then make sure it happens. This is the only thing that will stop it. As they say, actions speak louder than words.

You heard her slagging you off? Call her on it. "I heard what you said and I don't appreciate it. People who don't respect me, do not get to spend time with us as a family. Do not do that again."

Close the access between the properties. Please. For your own sanity. If you can't, make it very clear that she is to enter on invitation only, so she must knock and be asked to come in.

Thanks for this advice. We must start to get tougher. MIL is so used to getting her way mainly because she shouts and cries if she doesn't. I'm actually quite scared of her. I always intend to put my foot down and tell her what I think but then I doubt myself and worry that I'm just being mean or that I'm too possessive of LO. We live in their house free of charge, don't pay any bills and they gave us our car so to a certain extent I feel indebted to them. At first I thought they were just really generous, giving us so much but I can see now they did it to keep us nearby so they can control us. We're doing work on a house that we'll eventually move in to in the next year. It's in the same village but at least we'll not be in the same house anymore. I hope I don't go mad before then!!

 

[luci and bump]

I love my MIL, but recently she's been really pissing me off!!
The day my dad died, we went to my IL's, to break up the journey of going back to my mums. My MIL was drunk, and kept crying over me, telling me how sorry she was, and how sad it was, and asking if there was anything she could do. OH was furious, as he knows I'm not a very demonstrative person, and didn't want her fawning all over me, I just wanted to get on with it and not have to talk about it with every single person! I literally couldn't wait to get away from her!
This is the same MIL who booked a holiday for her and FIL, over Valentines day, and assumed OH would look after his little sister for the week! Not only was it valentines day (our last alone before baby comes) but it was supposed to be our last week together before OH went travelling for a month! a time when I wanted to be alone with him, not babysitting a 15 year old!! My IL's are pretty self centred and selfish.
My OH is travelling in Thailand atm, and his parents decided they wanted to drive him to the airport, as they wouldn't see him for a month (they normally see him every 3 months or so as we live 2 hours away) I was a bit annoyed about it, as I wanted to have time to say goodbye to my OH! Then she decided that she didn't want to come, so it would be just my FIL driving to the airport. So I would be with my OH and FIL on the way there, and then just my FIL on the way back. Bearing in mind this would be 2 weeks after my own dad died, and 2 days after we buried him! So my OH had a word with her, and she relented, and ended up driving.
As "payment" for driving OH to the airport, she asked us to go to church with her. I used to go to church, so it was no big deal for me. However, they started this huge thing about healing, and how god had healed people with different illnesses, which got me a bit upset, as my dad had been so ill for so long. She then started asking if she could pray for me, just the three of us, (MIL, OH and me) which I said was fine, as long as she didn't make a big deal out of it. Then one of the church leaders came over to see her, and she asked him if he would lead the prayers! He asked why I was upset, and what exactly I wanted to pray for, and I just looked at my MIL, said "I don't want to do this" and left the church. My OH was furious with her!
Then, later the same day, we drove to the airport to drop my OH off, which I was dreading. We've never been apart longer than a week before. She then announced she wanted to leave London by a certain time, as she didn't want to hit traffic. So I had a whole 10 minutes to say goodbye to my OH, then I had to leave him at the airport!

Yesterday was my baby shower. I invited my MIL, and both my SIL, one who is 20 and one who is 15, as I get on really well with both SIL. I invited them way before anyone else, because they live 2 hours away, so wanted to make sure they could come. The older SIL said she was really sorry but she didn't think work would let her off (she only works weekends, so I thought that was fair enough) My MIL said she would come, and that she couldn't wait etc. Last week she phoned me and said my younger SIL had a Duke of Edinburgh walk, so she wouldn't be able to make it, again, fair enough. She then asked how many people were coming, so I told her that people had been pretty rubbish, and that out of about 25, about 9 were coming. She then tried to get out of it, so I made it pretty clear I would be very upset if she didn't come. She said she'd come, and offered to give my mum and my auntie a lift home (my mum lives 3 hours away from me, 1 hour away from MIL)
The day before my shower, she called me and said she'd decided it was too complicated for her to come up (bearing in mind she can drive, whilst my mum and auntie came up on the train!) and that she wouldn't be coming "but that she didn't want me to think that she doesn't love me, and she isn't supportive of me" Good job my mum and auntie had found cheap advance train tickets to get home otherwise they'd have been stuck here, and had to pay a fortune for tickets!!
I've told my OH in no uncertain terms that I'm done trying to include my MIL in the pregnancy. She's more concerned with people thinking she's going to be an amazing grandma than actually being one. My family are interested in every tiny bit of my pregnancy, and she really doesn't give a toss! I told my OH, she can't just expect to waltz in once the baby is here after being so useless for the past 6.5 months!! And I know i shouldn't compare it, but my mum has bought baby so much stuff, and is so prepared for being a granny. Even my mums best friend has given me a huge bag of baby things she's been out and bought for us. My MIL gave us a bag of grotty stained clothes that someone from the church gave her! And!! Our moses basket is being stored at hers atm, until we move house. I specifically asked her to keep it in my OH's old room, as the door can be closed and the cats and dog can be kept out, as the room is only used when OH and I go visit. She said that was fine. OH and I go to stay, OH's old room has been turned into an xbox room for my FIL, and all our babies stuff is now in my SIL's room, WHICH IS THE ROOM THE CATS SLEEP IN!!!!! She didn't even try to cover the moses basket to stop the cats sleeping in it. OH and I are going to collect it when he gets back from travelling, and if it's covered with hair, MIL can buy a replacement!!
She makes me soooooooooo angry!!!! Didn't realise quite how much I had to rant about!!

 

[Hann12]

Luci it reminds me how annoying I found my MIL while I was pregnant! Mine got a bit better a few weeks after the birth because my DH had a word with her but she is now back to super irratating levels.

I agree with AmethystDream that you should just stop the whole Maw Maw thing. Its totally inappropriate. Its confusing for a LO and its way too close to mama!

Got upset again this weekend when mine skyped us to tell us how she had been looking at photos of herself as a baby and 'apparently' my daughter is the spitting image of her when she was a baby. I was furious because by saying that she is saying that my daughter looks nothing like me - I mean she can't if she looks identical to her! And the thing is my daughter does look like me and a lot like my DH - and he looks nothing like his mother,he looks like his dad. So I can't see how my girl could look like her! I really hope its a case of her just seeing what she wants to see! She is bringing the photos when she nexts visits to show me - great! Why she thinks its appropriate I don't know! I'm so annoyed by it though, and through the whole conversation she was telling me stuff about my little girl (ummm I know her the best so don't know why she felt the need to tell me that she could almost crawl) and constantly said 'my baby girl'.
I almost screamed at her 'shes not YOURS!!'
She has had 3 of her own children, why does she feel like she gets to do it all again with my baby?! I was furious at DH for saying nothing to her!

 

[MrsPOP]

My LO has been ill for over a week, has had 1 visit to A&E late at night and 2 to the out of hours GP. Ive also been stressed looking after my mum who is dying of cancer and is in a lot of pain, we've had to have the Doctor out to her too. Add into that my mum asked me to organise a last minute renewal of their wedding vows for yesterday. I had four days in which to do all that whilst caring for a sick baby and a dying woman. MIL knows this and has she offered to help? Has she FUCK. Im SO fucking angry wth her. I get a text off her today asking if we were all better and I said no, LO is on antibiotics, struggling to control her temp, mum not well etc etc and I get 'oh, maybe we'll see you all after our holiday this week and can you send pictures of LO in her flower girl dress'

Ive had it up to here with them. They're dickheads my in laws, I despise them. They let us down after offering to help us with childcare because it was too fucking inconvienient for them, they see their 3 month old grandson every day but their granddaughter who only lives 40 minutes away gets a fucking text to see if she is ok.

FUCK OFF YOU KNOB!!!!

Sorry I needed to rant.

 

[moomin_troll]

mrspop that's awful about ur mum and then ur lo being ill too, I can't believe they haven't offered to help u although I had a similar situation myself with my mil and she was a total twat to me.
OH dragged me up to see her even tho it was the anniversary of my nans death and my mums cancer had come back, luckly it's gone again and hopefully for good. I cant imagine how ur feeling looking after ur mum.
So those few days I didn't want to be there n wasn't talkative at all so they decide to have ago at my oh calling me names and saying how ungrateful I am.....ok lol twats

I also only get random texts to see how the boys are, I doubt she even cares really. She's not seen the boys since Corey was 2 weeks old and he's now 7 months.....these are her only grandchildren and the fact the are the sons of her dead son doesn't seem to make a difference.
Funny thing I told her in afew yrs I wana go newborn for a girls weekend and she said oh I could watch the boys for u....hahahahaha my kids don't even no who the hell she is, and the fact her husband beat the crap out of their son so I wouldn't trust him alone with a dog let alone my babies?


Sorry my hugs to mrspop has turned into a rant :s

 

[MizzDeeDee]

Oh my gosh!!!!

Mrspop- EVERYTIME I read your posts about your In-laws..... I hate hate HATE favortism. If they do something for one grandbaby than at least Pretend to treat the other the same!

Mrs.Pop, Moomin, luciandbump: They might as well just wear a shirt that reads, "It's all about me." Makes you wonder how they even manage to have any friends at all when they act like it's planet Earth, population THEM.

Hann12-My MIL does that too.. she looks like this person or that person.. BUT NEVER ME. LO has red hair and MIL states that she doesn't know where LO gets it from or that it MUST be from her family generations back.


This is me:


........................

 

[ValentinesGal]

So Sorry Mrs.Pop what a horrible horrible woman!!! To be going through everything you are and for her to ONLY be concerned that SHE gets a photo of LO is just appalling! I would want to tell her she should have taken her own damn picture and that she should just f*ck off...

to everyone else who's MIL is acting like a psycho lately. Crazy women I tell ya!

 

[MizzDeeDee]

Haven't seen anything from you guys in awhile. Hope everyone is doing okay!

Latest news with my in-laws... OH's brother and wife are expecting.

This is a win win for us. If she has a girl, MIL will leave us alone(we hope) and stop playing the games. If she has a boy then the other SIL will have a fit because SHE has the boy bbbbabbbbbbbbbyyyyyyy(she told OH, his parents, my parents, and myself one time at a dinner that FIL didn't need LO because he had her SON). I'm pretty stoked.

On another note- MIL has not one pic of my daughter in her home.. despite us texting her and even directly walking over a 5x8 pic of LO. She has the house plastered with pics of her other grandchild, but not one of my child. As OH says, "It's like she doesn't even exist."

 

[ValentinesGal]

I had a moment yesterday that made me smile. We were at the IL's and MIL kept making comments on how silly it was that 'Mommy was making him wear a sweater jacket' while we were sitting outside...Mind you that everyone was wearing a jacket expect MIL (because she's going through 'the change') because the wind was blowing, so it was chilly...so why wouldn't he be wearing one too?! Then probably asked me about a dozen times if I was sure I wanted to put DS down for a nap, because she could do it if I wanted her too...which I know she meant well, but was still annoying after the 5th time of telling her no. And even then, when I got done changing his diaper before his nap, she tried to pick him up before I could even get his buttons snapped. "Ummm, no for the 13th time, I want to put him down for his nap...we've been working on a routine and I don't want you to screw it up!"

Then after all the jabs of 'how mean mommy is' and 'how grandma's house is so much better than our house' and blah blah blah. When she finally went about trying to hold him, he just fussed and cried the whole time...until I took him from her and then he stopped and I thought 'HAHAHA, apparently he prefers the real 'MAMA'....he wants ME, not YOU!!!!

 

[moomin_troll]

Well Tuesday mil informed me she was going to new York to see her friend and I saw red seen as she's not bothered to see my boys in 7 months do I told her that she's let my boys down n I thought they you'll mean more to her n that I've now had enough of her. I then told my sil I am now having nothing more to do with mil, fil my my other sil n bil because they haven't bothered.

Then today I get a text of mil asking how the boys are.....wtf I told the cow I wasn't talking to her anymore n she texts me, obviously she doesn't take me seriously.
I'm changing my number soon as I have time n then I'm FREE! Lol

 

[MizzDeeDee]

Well Tuesday mil informed me she was going to new York to see her friend and I saw red seen as she's not bothered to see my boys in 7 months do I told her that she's let my boys down n I thought they you'll mean more to her n that I've now had enough of her. I then told my sil I am now having nothing more to do with mil, fil my my other sil n bil because they haven't bothered.

Then today I get a text of mil asking how the boys are.....wtf I told the cow I wasn't talking to her anymore n she texts me, obviously she doesn't take me seriously.
I'm changing my number soon as I have time n then I'm FREE! Lol

Your in-laws infuriate me!

 

[MizzDeeDee]

I had a moment yesterday that made me smile. We were at the IL's and MIL kept making comments on how silly it was that 'Mommy was making him wear a sweater jacket' while we were sitting outside...Mind you that everyone was wearing a jacket expect MIL (because she's going through 'the change') because the wind was blowing, so it was chilly...so why wouldn't he be wearing one too?! Then probably asked me about a dozen times if I was sure I wanted to put DS down for a nap, because she could do it if I wanted her too...which I know she meant well, but was still annoying after the 5th time of telling her no. And even then, when I got done changing his diaper before his nap, she tried to pick him up before I could even get his buttons snapped. "Ummm, no for the 13th time, I want to put him down for his nap...we've been working on a routine and I don't want you to screw it up!"

Then after all the jabs of 'how mean mommy is' and 'how grandma's house is so much better than our house' and blah blah blah. When she finally went about trying to hold him, he just fussed and cried the whole time...until I took him from her and then he stopped and I thought 'HAHAHA, apparently he prefers the real 'MAMA'....he wants ME, not YOU!!!!

 

[ValentinesGal]

Well Tuesday mil informed me she was going to new York to see her friend and I saw red seen as she's not bothered to see my boys in 7 months do I told her that she's let my boys down n I thought they you'll mean more to her n that I've now had enough of her. I then told my sil I am now having nothing more to do with mil, fil my my other sil n bil because they haven't bothered.

Then today I get a text of mil asking how the boys are.....wtf I told the cow I wasn't talking to her anymore n she texts me, obviously she doesn't take me seriously.
I'm changing my number soon as I have time n then I'm FREE! Lol

How awful! She can make those kind of plans, but can't even take the time to see her own grandkids...she doesn't deserve them or you...what an awful woman. What did your SIL say about it?

 

[moomin_troll]

Sil said oh my mum will be heart broken......lol ok then yeah she really seems heart broken.

Zanes also started counselling and his counsellor has said a "relationship" like the one he has with his grandparents isn't good for him coming in and out like that, he's lost enough without feeling like ppl can just come and go.

But I'm going to change my number n that's it. If she contacts me via email ile tell her she has to see the boys every 12 weeks minimum and at my mms house, she won't do it do I think I'm mil free.....I will never have another mil again lol

 

[ValentinesGal]

Sil said oh my mum will be heart broken......lol ok then yeah she really seems heart broken.

Zanes also started counselling and his counsellor has said a "relationship" like the one he has with his grandparents isn't good for him coming in and out like that, he's lost enough without feeling like ppl can just come and go.

But I'm going to change my number n that's it. If she contacts me via email ile tell her she has to see the boys every 12 weeks minimum and at my mms house, she won't do it do I think I'm mil free.....I will never have another mil again lol

I just don't understand how people can be like that...especially to the point that it causes your LO emotional issues...and she's so oblivious and careless about it So sad. I think I would be doing the same thing because I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone treat my child that way, particularily someone who is supposed to care about them and love them. You seemed to have gone above and beyond to try to keep the relationship going and if its really that important to her then she'll do what she needs to do, otherwise I'd be done with her too As much as my MIL drives me crazy, I'm still greatful she's not as bad as yours and some of the others I hear about! Hope things become less stressful when you become MIL free!