Motherhood - it has eluded me all these years. I have been a mother in waiting since I was a small child. Mothering my brothers, my dolls, my teddies, my friends and of recent years my nieces, nephews and children of my friends.
I work for a children's charity - primarily in Africa but based in Melbourne, Australia. This involves a lot of overseas travel (which was great at the time) and I am able to help disadvantaged children (also great).
After a few failed relationships, I met my husband when I was 36. We married last year and have been officially ttc since March this year.
At 38, I know I am not young. My mother had her 4th (and last child) at 29. I look in the mirror and there are tell tale signs of aging - fine lines and grey hairs. I can moisturise, I can apply makeup, I can dye my hair but I am only covering the fact that my body is 38 years old. I may feel and look younger but my body is not fooled.
I have started to question if I am too old? I know we can have babies till our early 40's naturally but how far away is pre-menapause for me? Early 40's??? That is only 2-5 years away.
Have I left it too late? Is that why I am not falling pregnant each month? Is my greying hair a sign of my aging process that I am ignoring. My mother never dyed her hair while she had her babies. Grey hairs were not part of the picture - nor for me in my 20's.
When I got marrried I thought we would fall pregnant so easily. So proud of ourselves we were each month af showed. We had successfully prevented pregnancy while we weren't ttc. Yay us. Now I wonder if we should have bothered with preventing in the first place seeing as we are having no success ttc so far.
So excited we were when we finally decided we wouldn't try nor prevent (for 6 mths) we recklessly bd' and so surprised we were no pregnancy eventuated. So research led me to charting and opk's. Silly me - found the window we were missing each month (such a small window it is too) and thought now we will succeed.
Bd' in all the right times and 5 cycles later we are still unsuccessful.
Many tears, prayers, sighs, picking myself up and starting again. Trying to remain positive and not resent my friends who seem to pop out babies with no problems. Aah the joy of attending a friends babyshower when failing to conceive
Is it still exciting? No. I don't even test for pregnancy anymore as I have never been overdue. AF shows up on schedule exactly 14dpo - like a clock.
I wonder if I should give up more than I don't. I wonder if a pregnancy at 38 is wise or fair to my children. I won't deliver till I am 39 and if we try for a sibling (who knows how long that may take) I could be 41 or 42.
My mother died when she was 45. That is only 7 years away from my current age. I know her death doesn't signal mine but it is always in the back of my mind. She started pre menapause at 43 when the leukemia struck. That's all her history I know.
I don't know how long I have left. I know my biological clock is running short on time and I don't know how many cycles I can perservere.
It helps to know there are other women going through the same emotions, same circumstances. I do find encouragement in these posts.
I hope that we all get our desired babies. I hope that we do not have to wait much longer.
