Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[wifey2013]

Hi Heather,

 

[SurpriseBub]

I agree 100% that taking responsibility does not equal keeping the baby. It is being mature and responsible in your decision (either way), which you are clearly putting your whole heart and mind into. I don't think that it is right or fair for anyone to push explicitly one way or the other.

If you meet with a counsellor, maybe they will help answer some of the concerns you have about adoption? I think in terms of open/closed there is a huge spectrum to work with. Some people seem to agree on visits, others on annual cards, others on completely closed. I am sure you can navigate a level of contact that both you and the adoptive parents would feel is best for everyone involved (and especially the baby). Personally, (but I have also never been a birth mother!) I do think that if you give up a baby, you should be willing to have contact with them at some point when they are older to offer closure if nothing else.

It is true that if you parent, you would close certain doors, but you would also open new ones that You might not be able to see just yet. I have a friend who is in her 40s, and she had a friend who got pregnant during college. This woman kept the baby, and although it was tough, they have done great. She is also very successful in her career- having her baby young meant that while she was busy early on, when she was 30, her son was pretty self sufficient, and since then she has been able to do a lot in her career (while other women her age are often just entering the baby stage).

Either way, there will be pros and cons for you. Wishing you lots of luck and wisdom as you explore both adoption and keeping the baby.

 

[Mummy1995]

Glad everything went well! There really is no reason to do a scan at this point if you're sure about when your LMP is and know the general length of your cycles. The due date they gave you might be off by a couple of days or a week due to variations in ovulation, but that doesn't really matter. Babies don't come on their due dates most of the time anyway.

Have you spoken to the father since?

I disagree as a student midwife. One of the least important things we look for on a scan is if the dates match. A scan in medical terms is to make sure there are no medical issues with the baby, its screening the baby, womb, placenta etc for any abnormalities, multiple pregnancy etc! Sorry I know its OT to OP but just thought id let you know as its a common misconception that the first scan is just to date pregnancy and see baby!

 

[Mummy1995]

Just read this thread.

Please realise you don't have to give up all these things because you have a baby, yes it's harder but it's not impossible. I was 16 when I got pregnant. Was with the father but he basically told me to get an abortion or he'd break up with me, and he did! I went to school til I was 38 weeks, work til I was 37 weeks (although was only working 4hrs a week) and had my girl at 39 weeks. I then returned to school when Isabella was 11 weeks and finished my exams and got into university. Im now over half way through my first year of bejng a student midwife. And it's an immensely pressuring course, I have to do 12 hour shifta with an hour drive there and back and fit in being a mum and work plus the general eating and sleeping! Ive done all this without any support from the father as he just isn't cut out to be a parent and doesnt want to be. My parents have been my rock and it sounds like yours will be too! Honestly if I can do it so can you.

I'm saying this because you need to realise that having a baby doesn't stop you from being able to achieve your dreams!

But of course adoption is an option that youre obviously toying with - and thats not a bad thing. I know I did!! Even when LO was here I wondered (sometimes still do) if shed have been better off being adopted. But I know I could never have done it, and if I had done id have completely regretted it. I think adoptions wonderful and gives others a chance to be a parent and babies a great life. But I think it's something you need to be 100% set on. If you have doubts then I think you would end up regretting your decision and I cant imagine how difficult that would be to live with. Good luck, hope you come to a decision soon so you can accept it and look positively to the future rather than having all this confusion on top of you xx

 

[Feronia]

Glad everything went well! There really is no reason to do a scan at this point if you're sure about when your LMP is and know the general length of your cycles. The due date they gave you might be off by a couple of days or a week due to variations in ovulation, but that doesn't really matter. Babies don't come on their due dates most of the time anyway.

Have you spoken to the father since?

I disagree as a student midwife. One of the least important things we look for on a scan is if the dates match. A scan in medical terms is to make sure there are no medical issues with the baby, its screening the baby, womb, placenta etc for any abnormalities, multiple pregnancy etc! Sorry I know its OT to OP but just thought id let you know as its a common misconception that the first scan is just to date pregnancy and see baby!

I'm a wannabe student midwife (applying for the second year in a row) , doula, and currently under midwifery care. It really depends on the area. I'm very against scans "just to see baby" so that's not what I meant at all. Here, early scans (around 9-12 weeks) are either for dating purposes if a woman is very unsure how far along she is or if a woman is 35+ (or high risk for NTDs) she is also offered a NTT. Otherwise, they are not standard at all, but maybe they are in your area. If a woman knows her LMP and cycle length, she is not offered an early scan (unless there are indications to do so). The actual scan for anomalies takes place between 18-22 weeks since you can't determine many anomalies until then, and it sounds like this is the same in Heather's area since her first scan takes place around then.

 

[wookie130]

As someone who had a bazillion early scans (history of recurrent miscarriage) during both pregnancies, I can tell you that that WOULDN'T have happened, without my history of pregnancy loss. My OB/gyn practice offers one ultrasound around 20 weeks to check for abnormalities (unless you opt for the nuchal translucency scan around 12 weeks, of course) and that's it, unless there are other reasons to perform an ultrasound. My early scans were reassurance scans, and to check for a heartbeat, viability, etc., especially since I tend to bleed in the first tri. So, yeah, without being a student midwife, or a wannabe student midwife rofl, I can vouch for what Feronia is saying...I'm just a gal who has been pregnant a bunch of times, with only two live births to show for it, and that's why I needed more than the one anatomy scan. They can't really detect a lot of abnormalities in the fetus before then anyway, can they?

Anyhoo, yeah. Back to the topic at hand. LOL!

 

[Mummy1995]

Must differ, im in the UK and wr look for other things as well as Downs Syndrome in the 12 week scan I find it so interesting how practise differs so much between countries!

 

[RubyRedLips]

Heather, I just want to let you know that I think you sound like a fabulous young lady. This is a tough situation, but it sounds like everything will turn out just great for you in the end.

Please remember that this is your decision and yours alone. While it's great that you're seeking input from the baby's father, just remember that it's your legal right to make whatever decision you choose. It seems like you're getting a lot of pressure here to keep your baby so I just wanted you to know you have my 100% support in whichever of the 3 options (abortion/adoption/raising the baby) you choose. If you ever feel like you need a sympathetic ear, feel free to send me a message.

And for what's it's worth, I don't think there's anything about adoption that's selfish. If that's what you decide to do, you could be the answer to an infertile or same sex couple's prayers.

 

[xforuiholdonx]

This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well.
I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER

 

[Feff]

Hi heather, I've read the most of this thread and just wanted to give you a little input into life as a single young mother so you have a bit more of an idea of what it'll be like (if you don't choose adoption.

When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't with my daughters dad. We were in a relationship before I got pregnant but was split up (I thought we were getting back together) when I got pregnant. He didn't want anything to do with the baby when I was pregnant until I had a DNA test because of doubts, I refused because he was drinking a lot, smoked weed and was a dick to put it nicely. So I was a single when I was pregnant. Going through something that big on your own is HARD especially being 16. I had the support of my family like you have so that helped a lot, and my friends. I dropped out of college because I found it too stressful with getting ready for Elodie to arrive. When she did arrive I didn't get that rush of love people talk about. I know you said above that you don't really like kids but you know it'll be different with your own. Well that's what I thought too but it took months for me to bond with her, I loved her but not like she was mine, I kept thinking somebody would take her off me lol! I'm not trying to scare you just telling you the truth. As she grew up I found it really hard that I couldn't just go out and do what my friends do. I still find that hard. But you'll have the baby's dad to help so you will get me time which is so important to keep you sane! Now Elodie is 18 months it's so much easier, I can drive, I've done an open university course and I'm applying for jobs in my local hospital. When she's in bed I do some crafty bits, have a bath or do something for myself. I honestly can't imagine my life without her. Like you I was the good girl. So many people told me I wasn't the type whatever the type is. But things happen! I did think about abortion (not adoption because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it) but I thought that it was my decision to have sex. I knew the consequences so it was my responsibility! Elodie's dad is now in her life, he's seen her about 7 times and she loves him. It's hard having to share her lol!

Anyway sorry for the ramble, I'm really tired and have a cold so not in the best frame of mind! But if you want to message me feel free x

 

[Turtle0630]

This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well.
I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER

I completely agree with this. And even with both of your signatures, there's still a waiting period of I think 3 months?..something like that...where even though the adoptive parents have the child in their care, either biological parent can basically change their mind and take the baby back. The child is technically considered a ward of the state during that time, until the waiting period is over and the adoption can officially go through. It may differ by state, but that is how it was for my cousin's daughter recently. She gave her baby up for adoption in June (in Colorado), and both her and the father signed away their rights but there was still that waiting period where either of them could change their mind. I also know that she was put in touch with other birth mothers who had already given their babies up for adoption before she gave birth, and it helped her tremendously. In fact, she very good friends with one of the birth mothers now. I think it helps to have someone to talk to that knows first hand what it's like, so if you can find that (especially if you do decide to go that route, but also even in the time that you're trying to decide), I think that would help tremendously. Her adoption was a very open one and she is in contact a lot with the parents, including visits. It was the best decision that she ever made for HER, and she's so happy that she did it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's what's right for you, as only you can know what that is, just saying it was great for her.

 

[RubyRedLips]

This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well.
I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER

Actually, the law on this varies state to state. In every state, the biological father has the right to be NOTIFIED that the child is being put up for adoption. But if the parents were never married and never lived together (as in Heather's case), the birth father's consent is not required in most states.

 

[peachymomma]

I think you are smart to give a lot of thought to all decisions. It is a HUGE life altering choice no matter what you decide. You will NEVER be the same again. From now on you will always be a mother...even if you choose not to parent. I kinda get the vibe that everyone is nudging you towards parenting, because that is what they decided to do. Just because it was right for them doesn't mean it is right for you....and MORE importantly right for your baby. That should be your main focus. If you feel that your not ready to put another's needs before your own, then allowing another family who is ready to do so just might be the right decision. I think if you decide to parent you will do what you have to do for your child. Because you seem like a sensible/responsible girl. But you might end up resenting your child for the sacrifices you'll have to make. Being a parent is VERY challenging. Some days down right suck, tbh. ( tho there are tons of rewards too!) You just have to decide if you feel like you or another family can give him or her a more loving and stable environment to grow up in. But know that no matter what decision you make you will rise to the challenges involved. Cause when push comes to shove we taste what we're made of. Best Wishes to you, I look forward to following your journey.

 

[Feronia]

I don't get the sense that the majority of people on this thread are nudging her towards any direction over another, and there have been plenty of pro-adoption comments. I have said as well as several others here that either option is perfectly valid, isn't less "responsible," and that it's totally 100% up to her. Most of us here seem to be supporting her in her decision, whatever that ends up being.

 

[heatherr]

Regarding the father's consent to adoption, I have been trying to find the laws in my state regarding adoption (not just regarding the father) and it is a little confusing, but I think I found it. It sounds like I would only have 7 days to change my mind after I sign the forms. I wonder how many people do that? It also seems like generally you need the father's consent, but there are ways to get around that if they don't consent. Well, he can't force me to keep the baby, so he'd have to keep it himself and I don't really see that happening.
Obviously I will have to talk to talk to a professional about it to know for sure. It seems really weird, like there are all of these loopholes for everything.

But besides that, I just want to say that I really appreciate all of the support from everyone here. I know that a lot of people here that have been in completely different situations than me, even struggled to get pregnant, and you still support whatever decision I will make. It makes me feel not so bad about weighing my options. Even though it sort of sounds like I'm putting myself first in my decision, it doesn't mean I don't feel bad or guilty when I think of not parenting. At first, I was scared to tell anyone (in real life) that I was really thinking about adoption. But now I feel like people will be more accepting because so many people here have been too.

 

[RubyRedLips]

Heather, I'm a family lawyer so I know a fair bit about the laws of my state and those neighboring it but I'm not familiar with the little nuances of every state so I'd likely be of little help to you. But feel free to message me if you have any questions you want me to research about your particular state's laws. Adoption agencies can also be a good resource for you because they know the ins and outs of the rules and the process and have likely encountered every scenario.

I'm glad you're thinking carefully and weighing all the advice and opinions you're hearing here. The truth is, none of us know firsthand the benefits and challenges of each choice because we've each really only experienced one way. There are several young moms on here who can tell you all about the joys their child(ren) brought them, even though they were unplanned. I don't know anything about that (I'm currently pregnant for the first time with twins in my early 30s and they were painstakingly planned and achieved only through the help of fertility meds). What I can tell you is that my care-free college days and the rest of my 20s were some of the best times of my life. So I guess what I'm saying is either choice comes with pros and cons and it's up to you to weigh what's most important to you and what's in your heart.

I can tell you're a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders so you'll make the right choice for you. As always, continue to reach out to all of us with your questions and concerns.

 

[MiniKiwi]

I think an adoption board would be a good place for you to look. We are obviously the other side and can only offer our opinions based on our experiences of having children. Talking to women who have been through the adoption process (or even just considered it) would likely help you a lot more to understand that whole process and everything involved.

I'm another who can see that you're stronger than you think you are. Sending you lots of hugs

 

[Feff]

What are you most scared of about having a baby? Perhaps we can help you with your fears? I'm not trying to push you into any decision but I can't help with the adoption part because I've never had any experience of it so I can try to help with the parenting part x

 

[EllieBean]

Hi Heather!

Obviously, your decision is yours alone and there is no way any of us will be able to tell what is best for you. I'd love to be able to help you, but I think nobody really can. Only you know how you feel.

I got pregnant at 16 and first wanted to abort, couldn't go through with it and then decided I wanted to give her up for adoption. Obviously, I didn't go through with that either, but I completely understand what you're going through. I know how hard it is and I hope that you'll make the right decision.
You don't need to think that either option is more or less selfish than the other. It's true, you are about to make a decision that will affect another person's whole life. But you can't forget that while being pregnant makes you a mother at least to some extent, that doesn't mean you cease to be your own person with your own wishes, needs and life. Keeping a child although you don't want to raise it wouldn't do it any favors. In that case, I believe that the child would lead a happier life growing up with adoptive parents who'll love it and care for it like parents should.

I ultimately decided to keep my little girl because at some point in the pregnancy, I fell in love. I started loving her so fiercely I couldn't imagine anymore to ever give her up.

When these feelings come, keep your child. When they don't and you don't want to be a parent, then don't.

It's your choice and although I can't help you make your decision, I hope I could help make you feel better, because I understand.

 

[heatherr]

I have looked for adoption forums online and can't really find much out there. There is one that I signed up for, but was banned before I could post because you have to be 18. There are other places, but you have to be a client of the particular adoption agency. I can't believe I can't find any other active sites. I am going to meet with a counselor and I'm sure they can connect me to people, but sometimes I feel like I can be a little more honest if I'm not actually talking to someone face to face. I probably won't meet with a counselor until after my next doctor's appointment and the sonogram. I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'll see it and feel differently. I am still embarrassed to even say I'm pregnant to someone in person.