Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

That isn't horrible at all! You are weighing up a big decision, and I think that it is good to try and be somewhat pragmatic about what the pros and cons are to both options . I had trying times as a nanny, but also loved the relationship I built with the kids. But even so, I think that having my own baby is going to be a different ball game. I guess I thought as close to a trial run as possible might help you picture life with a baby! ...not that I guess you really can picture that experience before it happens.

I agree with Feronia that meeting birth mothers might be helpful

No, I agree a trial run is a good idea, it's just that I've already been around babies plenty, but you had no way to know that since I don't think I've really mentioned it. The truth is I don't really like kids at all from those experiences, but I don't know if it's the kids and or just being uncomfortable in someone else's house, having to make sure I'm doing everything the way the parents like it and think it should be done.

I am going to meet with an adoption counselor. I tried to join this online forum for adoption, but you have to be 18. I wanted to see it from both sides. Oh well, the counselor can connect me with some people in person.

 

[ajarvis]

Mom of 2. Pregnant with 3 here I don't overly enjoy most children. My sons, my nephews and niece. That's about it. I have 0 interest in caring for other peoples kids. You probably couldn't pay me enough to babysit! Mine though, and my nephews and niece. Love em. Spend as much time as possible with all of them and love babysitting them too! Something different when it's your family

I should add I like my kids friends etc and they come over and hang out. I'm not total bitch. I'm just not a huge "kid" person. So if not mine I don't want to watch them all the time if that makes sense lol.

 

[MummyMana]

The stuff you are worrying about, it won't even have meaning once you have your baby... Your life will start when his/hers does, everything else will be a distant memory... You won't even remember being hung up about not being able to move away for school, it will honestly be the last thing on your mind.

It all just come naturally, you don't so it because you have to.. Or realky because you want to... You do it because it's what you do... It won't be a case of " I have to look after my baby" it will be " I am looking after my baby, I love my child and nothing else matters as long as he/she is ok" it won't feel like a chore... Or a "responsibility", it's just life, the best life.

 

[wookie130]

I don't feel that it's entirely fair to heatherr to try to convince her that being a mother right now would be the best thing for HER. We can only speak from our own experiences, and not every young mother feels that having a child was her calling in life, nor do all young parents process the experience in the same way.

It seems to me that you're really on the fence, heatherr, and you're absolutely right to weigh all your options. Meeting w/an adoption counselor is a good idea. As rewarding as most of us on this thread find motherhood, it does come with a great deal of sacrifice, and it's HARD. I'm 36, and it's hard for ME, with an established career, a home I own, etc. I think that this will be the most important and significant choice you will ever make, and I mean EVER. Looking at both sides rationally is the best thing to do, regardless of what any other person thinks or says to you.

We support whatever you do. This is your life, and you must do what is right for you, whatever that is.

 

[MummyMana]

I'm not actually trying to convince her either way at all. I told her I would try and put some how her fears to rest.

She wants do find out about both sides of things, she is seeking information from the adoption side of view, obviously we have no idea about that so all we can do is tell her what it is like from the motherhood point of view. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her.

 

[SurpriseBub]

Let's not get heated! I think it is important that nobody applies pressure either way on here, as that simply isn't fair.

Nobody other than you can make this decision, Heather and as everyone has said over the course of this thread, you seem to be handling it very well and in a very mature way. Whichever choice you make will be one of love- you either choose to give your baby a new family (something very special and selfless), or you choose to sacrifice other things in your life to be a mother now. Both are hard, and both can be hugely rewarding. I hope you still find the board helpful, and I hope you find 'real life' resources that will help you find the right path.

 

[heatherr]

It's ok, I don't feel like anyone is trying to pressure me into anything. I have never had a child, so I don't know what it feels like when they are actually here. I just worry that it isn't always that great like it is for a lot of you. I'm sure if I keep my child I will love it, but I'm not sure if I will feel it is what I am meant to do and if I will be completely happy.

But today I was thinking about it, especially after reading some stuff here, and I think maybe I just have to deal with it. Like, I'm the one who had sex so it's my fault, now I just have to deal with the consequences even if it isn't the easiest thing to do.

 

[Eidson23]

I have been waiting and waiting for someone to say that heatherr and I'm really happy it came from YOU. I wasn't going to say it because I figured I'd have a bunch of angry women on my back, but when I first started following this thread I thought you were being very mature about it...but then all of a sudden you start explaining why you want to choose adoption and I kept quiet. You're right, you made the adult decision to have unprotected sex, you knew the possible outcomes and you did it anyways. I don't think ANYONE wants to have a baby at 17. I sure as hell didn't! I wanted to go to college like a normal girl and not have any responsibilities, I wanted to sleep in when I wanted and live with my parents as long as possible and spend money on myself. That's a normal feeling I think, especially to be scared that you won't feel connected when you're not READY to be a mom. But you know what...I sucked it up and took responsibility for my own actions, and I've raised my son to be a good man some day, and I've made something of myself against my odds. I think adoption is a great option for some people, especially when the conditions aren't ideal and they have no support etc...but this isn't going to be like giving up a puppy that you couldn't handle. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's the reality. This is a really hard decision for you, but it's one that will affect you forever either way. You either suck it up and take responsibility and raise your child and beat the odds and succeed the hard way, or you have to live with the fact that your child is with another family...as great as they may be...but 10 years from now it may really affect you knowing that. Adoption is a great choice but I feel like it is taking advantage and selling yourself short if it's for the wrong reasons.

Please don't take this as me scolding you or pressing anything, but I got a nice hard dose of reality from my own mother when I was pregnant at 17 that I better not only be a damn good mother but also make something out of myself.

PS-I hate kids too. Even to this day. They're cute from afar but you couldn't pay me to babysit or be a teacher and be around them all day. You don't have to be all cuddly and love children to be a good mom, if that's what you're worried about. I'm sorry I sound so harsh, I'm not meaning it in a negative way and I'm also at work answering on my phone so I probably sound like a royal bitch.

I also want to add that speaking to the adoption counselor is a good idea to find out if you are doing it for the right reasons. Like others have said, they'll be able to give you a perspective that none of us have.

 

[CathiiNoo]

Well said Edison!

 

[LittleLala]

I hope you are surrounded by supportive people who help you with making whatever decision works for you heather. Your family and the father sound like really nice people. I know things are hard for you right now, and if I could, I would give you a hug.
I'll keep following, and listening, and supporting you. I really hope you are alright

 

[heatherr]

I have been waiting and waiting for someone to say that heatherr and I'm really happy it came from YOU. I wasn't going to say it because I figured I'd have a bunch of angry women on my back, but when I first started following this thread I thought you were being very mature about it...but then all of a sudden you start explaining why you want to choose adoption and I kept quiet. You're right, you made the adult decision to have unprotected sex, you knew the possible outcomes and you did it anyways. I don't think ANYONE wants to have a baby at 17. I sure as hell didn't! I wanted to go to college like a normal girl and not have any responsibilities, I wanted to sleep in when I wanted and live with my parents as long as possible and spend money on myself. That's a normal feeling I think, especially to be scared that you won't feel connected when you're not READY to be a mom. But you know what...I sucked it up and took responsibility for my own actions, and I've raised my son to be a good man some day, and I've made something of myself against my odds. I think adoption is a great option for some people, especially when the conditions aren't ideal and they have no support etc...but this isn't going to be like giving up a puppy that you couldn't handle. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's the reality. This is a really hard decision for you, but it's one that will affect you forever either way. You either suck it up and take responsibility and raise your child and beat the odds and succeed the hard way, or you have to live with the fact that your child is with another family...as great as they may be...but 10 years from now it may really affect you knowing that. Adoption is a great choice but I feel like it is taking advantage and selling yourself short if it's for the wrong reasons.

Please don't take this as me scolding you or pressing anything, but I got a nice hard dose of reality from my own mother when I was pregnant at 17 that I better not only be a damn good mother but also make something out of myself.

PS-I hate kids too. Even to this day. They're cute from afar but you couldn't pay me to babysit or be a teacher and be around them all day. You don't have to be all cuddly and love children to be a good mom, if that's what you're worried about. I'm sorry I sound so harsh, I'm not meaning it in a negative way and I'm also at work answering on my phone so I probably sound like a royal bitch.

I also want to add that speaking to the adoption counselor is a good idea to find out if you are doing it for the right reasons. Like others have said, they'll be able to give you a perspective that none of us have.

I think I have stated several times, even from the beginning when I wasn't sure about going through with the pregnancy at all, that I knew my reasons were mainly selfish.

Technically, I didn't have unprotected sex. We used a condom every time, but I did let him inside me a few times without a condom on. But it doesn't matter because regardless of protection you take a risk every time you have sex. I was really one of those people who thought "it won't happen to me." I don't know why I thought that because it's really stupid.

The more I think about it since reading your comment an hour ago, I wonder why I should feel obligated to keep my baby if I don't want to be a parent. It would be understandable if I didn't have resources and support, but since I have those things adoption isn't as valid of an option for me? Why can't adoption be a responsible option? Like everyone keeps saying, I will have to live with the decision forever, and I think it's obvious by how much I go back and forth that it would not be an easy decision for me to make. What would I be taking advantage of? It's not like I'm taking advantage of adoption, pawning my kid off on someone else, and just moving on with my life as if nothing ever happened. If I don't want to be a parent and someone else is desperate to have a baby and ready to make those sacrifices, why would it be the wrong reasons?
I have to be able to live with my own reasons I guess and I do realize that 10 years from now I might not agree with the reasons I have now. But then sometimes I think maybe in 10 years I will be somewhere in my life that I couldn't have gotten to with having a baby so young. Maybe I'll be happy with my decision. It'd be so much easier if I could just see the future and know.

I just go around and around with my decision and I know fob is getting tired of hearing about it. He told me I should have just ended the pregnancy because I don't want any other option and it sounds like that's what would have worked out best for me. He also said if I really want to know how he feels, he doesn't want to be a parent, but he has friends who are adopted and even though they both have loving families, they have issues that stem from being adopted, so it sucks either way and I just have to figure out what I can live with and stop jerking him around with a new decision every day.

Anyway, then that made me feel guilty because what if my child feels unwanted because of me? I don't really want an open adoption, but I would do that if it made it easier for the baby growing up. But then what do I tell them for why I gave them up?

 

[wookie130]

Heatherr, I do and still feel that you're weighing all of this as carefully as can be expected. I am very proud that you're trying to do what is best for everyone...and yes, what is best for YOU matters also!

My former comment was not intended to turn this into a heated debate by any means. I just feel that describing how wonderful it is to be a mother is not helpful to someone who is not a mother yet, and is very much on the fence about being a mother at all... Motherhood is a very personal experience. For some, it was an accident, but a happy one, nonetheless. For others, such as myself, we had a long journey to become a mother, and wanted nothing more in our life than to have children of our own. Some of us are older women, some of us are younger, and that can change the experience dramatically, also.

I also feel that either decision carries lifelong consequences...either way is a different way of "taking responsibility" for the decision to have sex. Adoption is definitely NOT the "easy way out" and I know that the vast majority of women who have made that choice will tell anyone that it was the most difficult thing anyone can ever do. I can't even imagine having to make that choice, but again, I really wanted my children, and planned for both of them, etc., so my experience is very different in this way.

Heatherr, I do feel that the father is going to have to suck it up, and allow you to work through this...if he's tired of you going back and forth, that's just too bad!!! He doesn't have to endure any of the physical aspects of pregnancy, or any of the other challenges you'll face being the mother...not that his opinion doesn't matter, but it's definitely more in your hands.

You're doing great. Whatever you decide to do in the long-run is the best choice for both you and your baby...it will become more clear as time moves on in your pregnancy which way you'll want to go.

 

[Feff]

Subscribing for now, will write a proper reply when my daughter is in bed

 

[Eidson23]

I think I have stated several times, even from the beginning when I wasn't sure about going through with the pregnancy at all, that I knew my reasons were mainly selfish.

Technically, I didn't have unprotected sex. We used a condom every time, but I did let him inside me a few times without a condom on. But it doesn't matter because regardless of protection you take a risk every time you have sex. I was really one of those people who thought "it won't happen to me." I don't know why I thought that because it's really stupid.

The more I think about it since reading your comment an hour ago, I wonder why I should feel obligated to keep my baby if I don't want to be a parent. It would be understandable if I didn't have resources and support, but since I have those things adoption isn't as valid of an option for me? Why can't adoption be a responsible option? Like everyone keeps saying, I will have to live with the decision forever, and I think it's obvious by how much I go back and forth that it would not be an easy decision for me to make. What would I be taking advantage of? It's not like I'm taking advantage of adoption, pawning my kid off on someone else, and just moving on with my life as if nothing ever happened. If I don't want to be a parent and someone else is desperate to have a baby and ready to make those sacrifices, why would it be the wrong reasons?
I have to be able to live with my own reasons I guess and I do realize that 10 years from now I might not agree with the reasons I have now. But then sometimes I think maybe in 10 years I will be somewhere in my life that I couldn't have gotten to with having a baby so young. Maybe I'll be happy with my decision. It'd be so much easier if I could just see the future and know.

I just go around and around with my decision and I know fob is getting tired of hearing about it. He told me I should have just ended the pregnancy because I don't want any other option and it sounds like that's what would have worked out best for me. He also said if I really want to know how he feels, he doesn't want to be a parent, but he has friends who are adopted and even though they both have loving families, they have issues that stem from being adopted, so it sucks either way and I just have to figure out what I can live with and stop jerking him around with a new decision every day.

Anyway, then that made me feel guilty because what if my child feels unwanted because of me? I don't really want an open adoption, but I would do that if it made it easier for the baby growing up. But then what do I tell them for why I gave them up?

I knew my post would make people defensive, especially you, and I apologize if I came off crude. I've kept up with this thread, and I have seen that you acknowledge that your reasons appear selfish.

If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".

Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has been there. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I personally feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome all obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.

I KNOW that this is hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (either way!) I tried to make sure I stated that I was answering in a short amount of time and on my phone, and I also said that I feel like you're taking all the right steps towards making an educated decision. Talking to an adoption counselor will probably help you tremendously. I didn't mean my post in a bad way, and didn't mean to make you feel guilty...but it's really hard to sugar coat things like this. Anyone in this position needs support, which you have here as well as your family, and a reality check.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't meaning to. I do think that your talks with the counselor will help a lot. Everyone here will support you no matter what you decide, including me. No one can know your exact predicament, even with the longest post ever we could never know, and no one has any right to judge you based on the little information we have about you.

 

[Feronia]

I think all options carry heavy emotional costs in a situation like this, and honestly I don't know what I'd do if I were in situation like yours. Only you can decide, but I can certainly sympathize with it being a tough decision.

My boyfriend (now husband) and I were having sex since we were 15, and like you, we used birth control but sometimes weren't very responsible with it. We had a few pregnancy scares when I was 16-17, and though I thankfully wasn't pregnant, I remember freaking out each time. I consider myself pretty responsible, but your situation could have easily been mine. I had no idea what I'd do either. Raising a baby at that age certainly has emotional consequences, as does giving the baby up for adoption, as does termination (though you're beyond that point anyway). Yes, you had sex, but you were using condoms, and this was an accident. It's nobody's fault. That happens sometimes, but it doesn't mean you would be making an irresponsible decision if you did choose adoption.

 

[Feronia]

If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".

Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has been there. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I personally feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome all obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.

Withdrawal has a failure of about 4% if done correctly (higher if not). Condoms have a failure rate of about 12%. Either method can fail. Hell, I've become pregnant on the IUD, the nuvaring, and the diaphragm (We've used every birth control method under the sun in the 12 years we've been together and I've never become pregnant using withdrawal, and the two of us are very fertile, lol). The point is that withdrawal, though not a perfect method by any means is still something! Having sex without regard to any birth control if you don't want to become pregnant is irresponsible.

Anyway, that doesn't really matter much since what's done is done. But how would adoption be not taking responsibility for one's actions? Sometimes it's better to raise the baby, and sometimes it's better for the baby, mother, and father to choose adoption. I know that babies who are adopted are ~very~ much loved and wanted, so I don't see how that would be an irresponsible decision. I personally don't think that either decision is "selfish." I think either decision will be the right one once she takes more time to process it over and make a decision.

 

[heatherr]

I knew my post would make people defensive, especially you, and I apologize if I came off crude. I've kept up with this thread, and I have seen that you acknowledge that your reasons appear selfish.

If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".

Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has been there. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I personally feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome all obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.

I KNOW that this is hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (either way!) I tried to make sure I stated that I was answering in a short amount of time and on my phone, and I also said that I feel like you're taking all the right steps towards making an educated decision. Talking to an adoption counselor will probably help you tremendously. I didn't mean my post in a bad way, and didn't mean to make you feel guilty...but it's really hard to sugar coat things like this. Anyone in this position needs support, which you have here as well as your family, and a reality check.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't meaning to. I do think that your talks with the counselor will help a lot. Everyone here will support you no matter what you decide, including me. No one can know your exact predicament, even with the longest post ever we could never know, and no one has any right to judge you based on the little information we have about you.

Relax, I'm not sitting here super upset by anything you said. I get it.

The only thing I took issue with was that it basically sounded like you were saying, and especially in my case since I don't have financial issues or lack of support, etc., taking responsibility for one's actions/owning one's mistakes = parenting. I was mature when I first starting posting, but after hearing my reasons for wanting to choose adoption I was less responsible. But at the same time, I realize your are just sharing your own personal opinions and tbh that is what I'm asking for here. I rather people not sugar coat everything or say things like "everything will be fine" when that isn't always the case. That's not what I came here for. That's what all my friends tell me, but they just say that because none of them have been pregnant and what else can they say?

Maybe I'm really not that strong. I mean, I've never even had a job before and have basically had things handed to me. I don't know how to cope relying only on myself, and now I have to consider not only myself but a baby that would depend on me too? I know I have support from my family, but I don't really want them paying for me and my child for years I admire those that sacrifice and work twice as hard to reach their goals, but I don't know if that is something I can handle any time soon. Not everyone is cut out to make it in those situations. Like I said last night, part of me does feel like that's what I deserve and I just have to deal with it. But then another part of me says just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I have to make life harder on myself when there are other options that might be better for everyone.

I know you understand the situation I'm in and where I'm coming from.

 

[heatherr]

And yeah, maybe I need to hear from people who placed their children for adoption and find out what their reasons were and how they feel now. Maybe it will change how I feel. If there are people who had reasons similar to mine, it'd be interesting to find out how they felt about it later, compared to those that had to choose adoption more out of necessity due to their situations. I'm sure my feelings will change 20 times in the next 10 weeks regardless.

 

[Eidson23]

Heatherr, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I'd bet my life you're stronger than you think you are right now. Thanks for understanding.

 

[wookie130]

I think if there's a way to get hooked up w/biological moms that have placed their kids up for adoption, that would be a very eye-opening experience! Hopefully that is something a counselor can direct you toward!