Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[LittleLala]

Don't worry heather it will be great! Very exciting. X

 

[Laylagirl]

You're being so brave and sensible. I was already pretty old when I had my kids, but my mum had me about 20 days after turning 18. She gave me and my brother a very happy childhood.

Not feeling much for the baby can be normal even for us who wanted kids. I was very detached especially from my daughter until I saw her in a scan.

Right now the baby is some strange person who has taken up residence in your body. You can't see them, you know nothing about them...he or she is a total stranger. That can make you feel weird and even cold towards the baby or pregnancy. Hell, I will be honest and admit I didn't even love my daughter until she was about 6 weeks old. I felt like she had ruined my life.

Love grows though, it really does. You have instincts that kick in and life changes but it becomes the new normal.

My precious 2 year old was struck by a car this week and it has made me realise how fiercely I love her, with every single particle of my being (same goes for my son). You never ever love anyone the way you love your children. It's actually quite overwhelming at times. It can make you cry at unexpected times with the shear force of emotion. It's unlike love for your parents or a boyfriend. It's deep and animalistic, it seeps into every pore of your body.

I'm not saying any of this to sway you as only you know what is best. You can also take that love and use it to assure that your baby gets the best life through adoption if you aren't ready to be a mother. Either way, you come across as a caring and intelligent person and you have some tough choices ahead. I wish you all the very best xoxox

Wow minties! I hope your son is ok! That's scary!

 

[Feff]

I hope your scan goes well tbh my scans didn't make it seem any more real, for months after my daughter was born I was scared someone would take her off me! It felt like a dream. But you settle into motherhood at some point and then it gets easier x

 

[skyesmom]

good luck with your scan heatherr!

 

[MiniKiwi]

I hope everything goes well today. I'm often thinking of you and hoping you're doing ok

 

[xforuiholdonx]

Good luck!!

 

[heatherr]

It's a girl!! I don't have time to post too much because I'm getting ready to pull into my school, but they said everything looks good, baby is measuring as she should be, and that the dating seems correct according to her measurements, so my due date will stay 4/10.

 

[SurpriseBub]

I was just about to say good luck... Will change that congrats! So pleased everything is looking good and congrats on finding out she is a she!

 

[Feff]

That's fab news she's looking good! How do you feel? I was so happy I was having a girl hope you're okay. Have you told her dad yet? X

 

[Laylagirl]

It's a girl!! I don't have time to post too much because I'm getting ready to pull into my school, but they said everything looks good, baby is measuring as she should be, and that the dating seems correct according to her measurements, so my due date will stay 4/10.

Congratulations! That's great news! Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

[heatherr]

That's fab news she's looking good! How do you feel? I was so happy I was having a girl hope you're okay. Have you told her dad yet? X

I don't know. I still can't believe there's really a baby in there. I just had a regular 2D ultrasound, but the lady was really good about pointing everything out, especially when she had to move around and try a few angles to see what the sex was. Sometimes it was hard to know what you were looking at. The baby had her legs scrunched up really tight, holding them together tightly apparently, like she didn't want me to find out! But it was easy to make out her profile and one of her little arms and hand.

I just feel so strange. I'm sort of in a daze. I know for some people it did not make it seem more real, but for me it really has. Like I keep thinking omg there is really a baby that is going to come out. I haven't really had time to process it. But I guess I was convinced something would be wrong, so now I at least feel like I can breath again knowing everything is fine.

The dad was there too. It was the first appointment that he's been to and he hasn't seen me in a month, so he was surprised by how noticeably pregnant I am now.

 

[liz1985]

Been following your thread for a while now. Can only echo everyone else in that you sound very mature. I think it's great your not rushing into any decisions. Glad your scan went well. It always made it so much more real for me when I had a scan, especially once I knew the sex. It was easier to imagine them as an actual person. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ClairAye]

Congrats on a girl

How far along are you now?

 

[heatherr]

Congrats on a girl

How far along are you now?

Thanks, I'm 20 weeks.

 

[Eidson23]

Congrats on a girl!

 

[heatherr]

Well, fob called me earlier tonight and said he doesn't want to give her up for adoption. He's been in touch with a lawyer regarding adoption already, before today. He said if I don't want to keep her I don't have to, but if I don't want to be a parent then he doesn't want me giving her to someone else. I don't even know what to think about this.He had acted like her really was up in the air before, and now he says he's been in touch with a lawyer...

 

[ready4number1]

It's good that he wants to be there. He probably feels a stronger connection now that he sees his baby. At least you know your child with be with her father if you decide you want to relinquish your rights.

 

[MummyMana]

Him talking to a lawyer was probably similar to you wanting to talk to an adoption counselor, just gathering resources to help with future descisions made

Also if it's any help, my daughter's cousin was raised single handedly by her dad, she's 10 now and an amazing girl

 

[wookie130]

First of all, congratulations on your healthy girl! I know that for me, seeing my babies up on that screen always made things real...it was the first time I viewed them as little people who were gestating in there, and that they would be making an exit in about another 20 weeks.

So, you're halfway through. When do you meet with the adoption counselor? I wouldn't worry too much about the father's intentions in getting a lawyer...like someone else just said, it was probably a way for him to ask questions, and do some research, etc. I think it would be wonderful if he could keep the baby, if you decide to relinquish your rights to the baby and not raise her.

If you decide to raise her, it sounds like he is very open to co-parenting, and that your daughter will benefit from having two parents that love her and will contribute to her upbringing. Two people definitely don't have to live under the same roof for that to happen. It would be a lot of work, and perhaps she spends her time primarily in your care, but it would be a big blessing for her to grow up having a father that loves and spends time with her.

I think in any case, since the father is expressing that he wants to be a part of her life, and is even willing to parent her completely, than that should become a major part of the landscape at this point. So, in other words, your choice comes down to whether you want to be her primary parent that she spends most of her time with, with her father having some custodial rights/visitation, or do you want to release her entirely into the sole care of her father?

You do still have the option of giving her to an adoptive family. I guess my stance is that if one of you (or both of you) are willing to be involved in her upbringing, that would be more ideal for her than a different adoptive family entirely. That's just my opinion, and like I've said before, the choice is yours. You still have to do what your heart is telling you to do!

 

[heatherr]

For some reason he's just really upset me with all of this. It makes me feel Barclay he knows he wants to be her parent and I am so unsure about what up want to do. I just feel like if she is adopted then she'll have a mom and dad in her life. If she stays with him and I am not in her life at all, then I feel like I'll look terrible like a deadbeat dad but only a deadbeat mom. But at that point I wouldn't legally be her mother anyway because I wuld.just sign away my rights if that's possible in this sort of situation. This is really selfish of me I guess. But I don't know if that would be best for her because it feels like I'll just be abandoning her, whereas adoption just seems different.

He said maybe if I'm want to be her mom but do not want to Cate for her full time he could keep her for the most part and I could visit, but that already makes me feel bad. What kind of mother sees their kid a few times a week? Then he said he just doesn't know and is just trying to give me options. He isn't being mean about it though. He says he understands why I am not sure and that if he was 17 he'd probably go with adoption too, but apparently he's been thinking about this for weeks and feels this is what he should do. He said he understands if I feel I am not ready, but he thinks he can be ready in 20 weeks.

I don't know how I could go through with adoption because it sounds like he would block it. I don't understand the laws compleyelt, but from what I read the court would have to terminate his rights, which they can only do if they find he's not shown any initiative to be involved or to be a parent, or if he's basically disappeared and they can't reach him. He already told me that these things won't happen. The only other thing would be for me to lie and say I don't know who the father is, but I've done enough lying and I think it's too late to pretend like I have no idea who he is. Those things would be evil anyway, unless he was really unfit to be a parent or so something.