Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[missk1989]

I have looked for adoption forums online and can't really find much out there. There is one that I signed up for, but was banned before I could post because you have to be 18. There are other places, but you have to be a client of the particular adoption agency. I can't believe I can't find any other active sites. I am going to meet with a counselor and I'm sure they can connect me to people, but sometimes I feel like I can be a little more honest if I'm not actually talking to someone face to face. I probably won't meet with a counselor until after my next doctor's appointment and the sonogram. I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'll see it and feel differently. I am still embarrassed to even say I'm pregnant to someone in person.

there is an adoption forum on here. Maybe you could speak to those mums even though they were likely on the recieving end of a child?

 

[heatherr]

I didn't even know there was an adoption section here. I made a post there. Maybe someone will know a good site for me to check out or maybe there are people who have put their baby up for adoption.

 

[MrsC8776]

Hi Heather,

I've been following your story and I wanted to start out by saying that you are an amazing young woman. You're smart and you want to consider all your options which I think is amazing. No matter what you decided to do, you will still be an amazing young woman. Since you have been having trouble finding info and wanting to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, I started searching. Thinking to myself "how in the world is there nothing out there for teen moms?" I did find something but I don't know if you've looked at the website or not. I haven't navigated through it much but maybe it could help you.

https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/teen_pregnancy

I hope it helps and that you are able to join. I see that there is a place to speak to birth moms on the right hand side of the page.

 

[heatherr]

^ Thank you. That site actually had a lot of really good info on it and it's easy to understand. Some things I found were just really complicated. It still doesn't have a messageboard, but I've pretty much given up on finding anything like that. I guess I will just wait until I talk to someone in person.

 

[pansorie]

Hello Heather. I am really sorry you found yourself in this situation, and I do hope it all works out for the best. I do find you to be a strong person, as I quite clearly remember what life was like when I was 17, and I knew back then I could not handle a child, and was one of the reasons I abstained from sex for as long as I did.

I do think there is something that you have said a couple of times that I think you should reconsider, which is this:

...and especially in my case since I don't have financial issues...

The fact is that you DO have financial issues now, especially if you are planning on keeping the child. I can understand you thinking this way, though, since in the same post you mentioned this:

I mean, I've never even had a job before and have basically had things handed to me.

While I am sure your parents will be more than willing to help you and the baby out I would not consider this a permanent situation. I would also reconsider the idea that because of their willingness to help this alleviates you of any financial obligation. I am also assuming that you are not familiar with your parents financial situation. I know it may APPEAR that they are economically stable, but as someone who works at a financial institution and looks at bank accounts day in and day out this may not always be the case. Unless you have intimate knowledge of their credit cards, loans, mortgage, 401k, etc I would not rely solely on them for years to come.

For what you have said, I think adoption would be your best route this late in the game. You are handling the situation itself with grace and maturity, but you can tell just by your writing that you still are, very much, a teenager. And while having a baby forces you to grow up, you seem to have the foresight that motherhood may not be something for you.

I have a friend who had a child when she was 17 that she gave up for adoption. She said it was the best worst decision she had to ever make in her entire life. She actually still keeps in contact with the family, and visits them once a year. The adoptive parents are young, successful doctors. THEY are financially stable. THEY have the means to care for a baby. Teenagers, even with the support of their parents, generally do not.

I know this is a horrible decision to make, and I wish you the best. Having a baby is tough. I am sure whatever decision you make will be the right decision for everybody in the end.

 

[Desi's_lost]

As long as her parents are willing to help, finances are no reason to give up a baby. If the parents have the means to help, it'll take 3-5 years and OP can become financially secure. Money should never be the main factor in deciding to give up your baby.

 

[pansorie]

As long as her parents are willing to help, finances are no reason to give up a baby. If the parents have the means to help, it'll take 3-5 years and OP can become financially secure. Money should never be the main factor in deciding to give up your baby.

I never said money should be a main factor in keeping the baby. If anything, I said it seems like she realizes motherhood is not for her and THAT should be the main factor.

For what you have said, I think adoption would be your best route this late in the game. You are handling the situation itself with grace and maturity, but you can tell just by your writing that you still are, very much, a teenager. And while having a baby forces you to grow up, you seem to have the foresight that motherhood may not be something for you. My point on money is to not think of it as not being an issue just because mom and dad are willing to help. Fact is, if she keeps it it eventually will be.

What she has said throughout this thread: she wants to be a normal 17 year old/young adult. She wants to go to school, and the idea of caring for a baby is daunting for her. She also mentioned she wasn't interested in motherhood until something like her 30s. If anything, just from reading the thread it sounds like she doesn't want to be a mom, at least not right now, which is perfectly fine and understandable. The issue of finances is just one to consider in a whole slew of things to think about.

 

[Feronia]

I don't think any of us are in the position to advise Heather about what to do since it's 100% her decision. It sounds to me like she's working through totally legitimate concerns, and I don't think we can judge what the "best decision" (if there even is one) would be based on a few things said on a forum. I believe anyone in her situation would consider the things that would be lost from one's life, but those considerations don't necessarily mean that it's a clear decision.

 

[heatherr]

Well, I obviously could not afford to have a baby all by myself. I couldn't even support myself on my own. My parents have told me they will help financially right now if I decide to keep it. They do not want me to make a decision because of money. I do not have an in-depth understanding of all of their finances, but I assume since they can support our family and have offered to help with a baby that they are aware of what they can handle. We live pretty comfortably. It doesn't mean I feel good about them having to possibly support my child. I don't see it as a long term thing though. I don't want to be living off my parents forever, let alone my child living off them. It already makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about them supporting my child for the next few years. They did say I would have to get a job and contribute, which is understandable. Regardless, it will make me feel guilty. They already have to pay my medical bills out of pocket because our insurance does not cover my pregnancy. It covers me for other things, but not prenatal care. Although, the father has offered to contribute to that, but my parents said no.

My ultrasound is this coming Friday and I am getting so nervous about it. I get a stomach ache when I think about it and my heart starts beating so fast. I don't know if I want Friday to come or if I want this week to drag on for a long time so I can put it off. How long does a normal ultrasound normally take?

 

[wookie130]

A normal ultrasound doesn't take long at all...30 minutes, generally, sometimes less. Some OB offices are more generous, and take their time with it, and give a nice long hour-long ultrasound, but generally they don't take this long, I'd say.

Do NOT be nervous, seriously. I LOVED my ultrasounds. It's not painful, and at your gestation, they'll be using the abdominal wand, rather than a transvaginal ultrasound device. You just pull your pants down a bit, they squirt the warm gel on your pelvis, and perform measurements on the baby, make sure that he/she has all of his/her body parts in tact, check his/her organs, check for abnormalities, and if you wish, you can learn the sex of the baby. Most of the time, most ultrasound technicians or doctors will provide a 4D view of the baby for you, and print off pictures...you will really be able to see the details of your baby's face, and he/she will really look like a baby. Bring up some 4D ultrasound photos on Google Images, and you'll know what I mean! There is really nothing to be afraid of...it is a painless procedure, and the odds of anything being wrong with the baby are very, very low.

How have you been feeling? Are you feeling any movements from the baby? Is your energy starting to return a bit more?

This is still your choice, whether or not to keep the baby...it does not matter what any of us feel you should or should not do, because we're not YOU. I think things will become a bit more clear to you after your ultrasound, however. There is something about seeing that baby that makes the whole thing a lot more real.

 

[heatherr]

I am not as concerned with the actual ultrasound as I am with what you just said...how nothing will make it seem more real than that! It sounds stupid at this point, but I'm still partly in denial. I don't know how that can be when I think about it non stop and now I am noticeably pregnant and people ask me about it and talk about me behind my back. I can't hide it anymore. But it feels like it's not real at the same time. Like somehow it will end and I'll go back to normal and everyone will forget. But everything will change once I see the baby on the screen and know it's really in there. I have not felt any movement yet.

Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me. But after that, I have to really start trying to come to a decision. I don't want to save everything until the last minute. I have to meet with an adoption counselor after all of this is done. Now, I am leaning more toward adoption, and even though I feel sort of sick when I think about it and it makes me sad, it makes me feel better than when I think about being a parent.

I am excited to find out if it's a boy or a girl. I'm not going to wait to find out. I'm also sort of worried. I've been dreaming all of this weird stuff that they're going to find. I have crazy dreams related to the baby and usually the birth all the time!

My energy level is ok. I am fine during the day for the most part, but by 5:00 I want to nap every day. Sometimes I have a hard time staying focused in school because I am really tired and want to get up and walk around, but can't. My stomach has also been killing me for the past 3 days or so. Really bad constipation and bloating and all that gross stuff that is apparently completely normal.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I hun I haven't read the whole thread but I have go the jist I think. I had my son when I was 17 and whilst my situation was different to yours I can completely empathise.

Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me

I felt bit like this to but unfortunately it won't become clearer I think seeing your baby wil make it even harder. I kept my son and when I saw him it was such a rush of love.

Meeting with an adoption counsellor I think would defiantly be a big help. Have you thought about what sort adoption you would like i.e open or closed?
Don't worry about what people are saying, I know it's hard but they don't matter. What matters is you and your baby. Good luck and eel free to message me

 

[SurpriseBub]

As hard as it can seem, try to ignore the people talking behind your back. High school can be a boring time, so they are just excited to have something to talk about! You know the whole 'it gets better' movement? It is so true... I left high school and have kept in touch with about 10 friends (to varying degrees). The rest of those people don't matter in the slightest, and you will be surprised how quickly you forget things like their last names!

I was very nervous for our 20 week ultrasound, but was excited by the time it was actually happening. I asked lots of questions, and you can try to get the tech to talk you through it. It is all so weirdly fascinating! and just as an aside- the 4d thing doesn't happen everywhere. We just had the 2d, and I think a lot of places are the same- that just depends on what your doctor's office has in terms of both policies and equipment. I hope all goes well, and it is a positive day for you.

 

[Garnet]

I have read your whole thread and followed along! I was a young mother too! I was 18 and unfortunately had no support from parents! It was very hard but I made it through college and I have a very wonderful daughter out of it! It is a very tough decision because my parent already had my child adopted to others behind my back! I chose to do it alone! It is your choice and only You can decide! Always remember people talking behind your back they are not the one in this situation so they have not significance in your life!

 

[skyesmom]

i hope the ultrasound does offer you some clarity on it, as well as the meeting with an adoption consultant.
adopting and parenting are both massive decisions to make and no wonder you can't find an easy and immediate answer to those.

you said you feel guilty about your parents supporting your child for some years - remember it is THEIR grandchild as well - not only you have a relationship to your baby, they do to. The choice to support both of you is their own - if i were in their shoes, i'd also rather support my kid and my grandchild rather than letting them struggle unnecessarily - which doesn't mean this will last forever or that you will never contribute to it. you don't sound like a spoiled kid at all and i am sure they are aware of that.

what does the baby daddy say about adoption? are you still waiting until the ultrasound to tell his family as well?

a big massive hug to you i really hope it all goes well on friday

and for those loudmouths at school... i'm sure they would all shut up if they could spend a minute inside your shoes now, and their stupid superficial teenage worries would seem pretty dumb and not much of a big deal.

as some previous posters said, you'll know who your real friends are. tough times like these are the best friend selector you can ever get. it hurts to be disappointed in some people and lose them as well, but in a long run it all pays out. you keep people that really care and really matter, and stop wasting time on those who judge you underneath a friendly smile.

you're doing an amazing job in all this!

 

[heatherr]

I hun I haven't read the whole thread but I have go the jist I think. I had my son when I was 17 and whilst my situation was different to yours I can completely empathise.

Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me

I felt bit like this to but unfortunately it won't become clearer I think seeing your baby wil make it even harder. I kept my son and when I saw him it was such a rush of love.

Well, I'm hoping maybe I'll see the ultrasound and suddenly feel something and know that I should keep the baby. It's not that I feel nothing at all. I do care about it. But I don't have a strong gut instinct about what I should do either way. But right now it's also hard to really accept that it's happening, and seeing the baby will make it a lot more real and maybe it will bring things into perspective for me. I don't know. But maybe you're right and I'll feel even more confused

Meeting with an adoption counsellor I think would defiantly be a big help. Have you thought about what sort adoption you would like i.e open or closed?
Don't worry about what people are saying, I know it's hard but they don't matter. What matters is you and your baby. Good luck and eel free to message me

At first I thought I'd want a closed adoption. Even if I decide on adoption, it'll be really hard to see my child with another family. But I feel like it'd be bad to choose a closed adoption right now because down the road I might regret that. I think it might be easier on a child if they have an open adoption and there is no mystery about where they came from.

As hard as it can seem, try to ignore the people talking behind your back. High school can be a boring time, so they are just excited to have something to talk about! You know the whole 'it gets better' movement? It is so true... I left high school and have kept in touch with about 10 friends (to varying degrees). The rest of those people don't matter in the slightest, and you will be surprised how quickly you forget things like their last names!

Luckily my close friends have been supportive of me. Even my ex boyfriend who goes to my school has been nice to me about it. I guess some people assumed it was his and that's how he found out. It's funny that it's people who I don't even associate with who are talking about me. They had no concern with me and didn't even talk to me before, and now they all are. I guess I am the first pregnant girl (that people know of) at my school since like 2006 or something.

what does the baby daddy say about adoption? are you still waiting until the ultrasound to tell his family as well?

He feels mixed about it. He basically says it's my decision, it's not like he can force me to give the baby away or to be a parent. He said in a way adoption sounds like a nice solution, especially if we could have contact with the family to know the baby is okay, but he feels uncomfortable when he really starts thinking about someone else raising his child. But I think it's always going to be uncomfortable to do, even if we decide it's the best solution. He said I can make whatever decision I want for myself, but that he should have the right to make a decision for what he wants to do. Well, unless he's planning on raising it alone...

He told his family that I was pregnant and that I'm considering adoption. They are upset about both. They understand why I am considering adoption, but I think it just upsets them that any of this is happening at all.

 

[minties]

You're being so brave and sensible. I was already pretty old when I had my kids, but my mum had me about 20 days after turning 18. She gave me and my brother a very happy childhood.

Not feeling much for the baby can be normal even for us who wanted kids. I was very detached especially from my daughter until I saw her in a scan.

Right now the baby is some strange person who has taken up residence in your body. You can't see them, you know nothing about them...he or she is a total stranger. That can make you feel weird and even cold towards the baby or pregnancy. Hell, I will be honest and admit I didn't even love my daughter until she was about 6 weeks old. I felt like she had ruined my life.

Love grows though, it really does. You have instincts that kick in and life changes but it becomes the new normal.

My precious 2 year old was struck by a car this week and it has made me realise how fiercely I love her, with every single particle of my being (same goes for my son). You never ever love anyone the way you love your children. It's actually quite overwhelming at times. It can make you cry at unexpected times with the shear force of emotion. It's unlike love for your parents or a boyfriend. It's deep and animalistic, it seeps into every pore of your body.

I'm not saying any of this to sway you as only you know what is best. You can also take that love and use it to assure that your baby gets the best life through adoption if you aren't ready to be a mother. Either way, you come across as a caring and intelligent person and you have some tough choices ahead. I wish you all the very best xoxox

 

[KFrey]

Getting excited for tomorrow??? I am exited for you Can't wait to hear about your experience and if it is a boy or girl.

 

[Tmb0047]

Following

 

[heatherr]

Getting excited for tomorrow??? I am exited for you Can't wait to hear about your experience and if it is a boy or girl.

Thank you! I'm just getting really nervous. I'm feeling sick to my stomach and probably won't sleep much tonight.