Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[xforuiholdonx]

I honestly don't think you'd look like a deadbeat mom. I know plenty of moms where the dad has custody... And I wouldn't lie to the courts because you could get in a lot of trouble for that. I hope that whether you decide to give her to him, or do it partially or what have you that it's the best decision for you. I gave birth to my daughter the day before my 18th birthday, and though I was shocked, and terrified to become a parent, the moment I saw her all that faded. She's now a perfect 4.5 year old with an 18 month old brother to boot.
I think that you would and will make a great mother, and just know that what ever you choose to do, it doesn't make you a selfish heartless person! Here if you need to talk!
Congrats on your girly

 

[KFrey]

A girl!!!! Holy moly. They are the best. I wanted a boy so bad with my first but she was a girl. After having her, I wanted our second one to be a girl too because they are so precious.

I'm glad that it's more real now and you can really start making some hard decisions. Good for the father to be making his own decisions. I can already tell he will be a good dad. I mean a lot of young unexpected fathers just go with the flow and wait for the mother to make all the decisions. He has really been proactive and supportive to you throughout this pregnancy. He seems very mature.

I don't know how I would feel letting the father raise the baby full time. It's like you said its different when you give her to a couple. Your decision to keep her or let fob keep her is more in your face of what he was able to do that you couldn't if that would be the decision you made. The reality is this is a step in a different direction with new emotions and things to consider.

Ultimately, it still is the same. That you need to do what's right for you. Everything will fall into place no matter what you decide.

 

[skyesmom]

congrats on the girl heatherr!

regarding the father, i think seeing your baby made it really real to him, as other posters i agree that him contacting a lawyer was similar to you looking for an adoption consultant, someone where he could ask questions and get informed about his rights.

it is good that he wants to be in the life of his child, and i am sure you two could co-parent even while living in separate places. if you feel like giving her up or letting him be the main parent and you visiting, there is NOTHING wrong with that.

me, my brother and my sister were raised by our dad for quite some years, while our mom would have weekly visitations. really, there is NOTHING bad about it, i never missed any of my parents and loved growing up like that. Just because the society finds it awkward for children to stay with the father and have their mom visiting, doesn't mean that IT REALLY IS awkward or makes you a BAD MOTHER. it is not so.
the choice in my family was made due to working careers of both my parents, my mom had a job that required her to travel a lot and move countries every few years as she worked as a diplomat, my father didn't need to. we chose this way as we found that changing schools, countries, languages, friends for the three of us every couple of years would have been really tough. My mom came to see us whenever she wanted when she was off the mandate, and would fly in anytime she could and we'd spend our vacations with her no matter where she was on the globe.

so no need to feel bad about maybe taking a role of the visiting parent for a while, maybe until you have completed your studies. my youngest sis moved in with my mom at some point, as she wanted to study abroad. if people talk and work together, things can be really really flexible in a family. what made us work so well was that we cared more on making the things work for US, rather than thinking what the world will say. all this was happening like 25-28 years ago when the social rules were even stricter than now, but we didn't care.

i'm writing this so you'd have an experience from a girl who grew up with her dad being the "main" caretaker - by this meaning living with dad and mom visiting - i put that "main" under commas as really, there was no "good daddy bad mommy" or "one parent cares/loves more than the other" in my family.

i also agree with you that any further lying is just damaging. also because if you would say sth like that, all it takes today is a DNA test to prove you wrong, a thing he can request to be done by a court and the fact you lied would put you in a bad position for any future custody.

you guys can still talk about it and maybe get a councilor or a couple therapist (although you are not "technically" a couple now), that could help you put the things into perspective together and suggest how to proceed.

 

[heatherr]

I do not want to lie about it and I don't plan to. I do feel he has the right to make his own decision just like I do. Doesn't mean it makes me feel good though. This was just never an option I considered happening. I'm confused as to what I should do. What if this is the plan and he changes his mind at the last minute? He told me that was ridiculous.

 

[heatherr]

My mom pointed out that at least this would give me flexibility as far as how involved I want to be. Adoption is final, and even if I have an open adoption I still can't change my mind once everything is finalized. But she said at the same time it would be wrong for him to be raising her as the main parent and for me to come along a year later and decide I want to have full time custody of her. I agree though, I shouldn't use this as something temporary until it is convenient for me. I guess in a way that's what's nice about adoption...I can't change my mind and would know that. Oh well. My mom even said she has considered keeping the baby if I decided I definitely didn't want to, but had not wanted to bring that up to me while I was still so torn on what to do. She doesn't think it would be right for any of us to stand in the way of him having her if that's what he wants.

 

[MummyMana]

I think your mum speaks a lot of sense, after all if he wanted to put her up for adoption and you didn't that wouldn't stand so it shouldn't in reverse.

She's right that you wouldn't be able to swoop in and just gave full custody one day, but you could always up your visitation, ie go from seeing her once a week to having her every weekend

 

[heatherr]

Obviously we have a lot to work out. I guess I could completely change my mind about what I want too. But I have been thinking about it and maybe him having her most of the time.e would be the best option. It still makes me feel guilty, but like you said MummyMana, maybe if I can work up to having her more and more. I just feel so bad about it still. I already feel like a bad mother. It's not even like I want someone else to be take care of her so up can go party or something. I'm not really into all of that, but I worry everyone will think that sort of thing. I just don't feel ready for the responsibility of having a kid to care for full time. But a lot of you have made me feel better about it.

Fob sent me a long text saying he was sorry to upset me and he didn't know it would upset me so much. He just decided he wanted to be her only dad, not just a birth father who sees photos of her and maybe meets her every now and then. He feels really bad about the whole situation and me being pregnant at all, but he feels like it would be another mistake to put her up for adoption and he doesn't think he can live with that. He said he is going to get ready for her and I can take my time to decide what I want, but that he is not trying to take over and say he has to have her. If I decide I want her to come home with me, that's fine, but he wants her to stay with him some of the time too. He will not sign adoption papers and he is more than willing to keep her all by himself even if I decide I want nothing to do with her at all. It made me feel so selfish.

 

[MummyMana]

Don't feel bad, you're trying to work out what's best for your baby here by the sounds of things it's now going to be a case of decoding whether you or him will have main custody, and like I said before children of single dads have great lives too it's no different to a baby of a single mother me and my partner recently split, I have imogen all of the time, he can see her whenever he likes, as much as he likes, it would be just like that it doesn't matter if the mother or father has main custody, you have to remember, your child won't know any different my daughter's cousin has never met her mum, and she told me that her daddy was better than a daddy and a mummy she doesn't know any different, she just accepts the situation

 

[missk1989]

I think he has taken the option of adoption away from you there but I dont think that is necessarily a bad thing. You know him and obviously like him enough to have slept with him so at least you know she will be loved and with someone you trust. It saves a lot of trouble of you finding her a family and she will be with her dad. DH cousin was raised by her dad and she has been very happy and healthy. She still sees her mum.

I think he will be a great help to you whatever you decide and at least if he is getting stuff ready for her she will have what she needs if you do decide to keep her.

 

[MrsC8776]

I think him getting a lawyer is actually a smart move on his part. He's just getting answers and legal advice. Honestly, if the roles were reversed it would probably be something you would look into as well. He sounds like a great guy and for a guy who is 20 (?) he seems very mature. I can't think of any guy who at that age acted like a true man.

Maybe this is far out there and not something either of you have thought about but what about living together? Not necessarily being in a relationship but still parenting together. You still going to college like you want and he will still be able to work or do what ever he does. Even if he does have custody of her. You could still be there and see her. I don't know how realistic that is for both of you and the situation but it's an idea. I thought about your mom having custody but I didn't want to throw that out there incase it would be too uncomfortable for you.

I know this all changes your plan but maybe try to relax about it a little bit and just see what your heart says. For me, the scans helped things feel a lot more real but what really did it and started the bonding was movement. Feeling those kicks are amazing. This is a hard position to be in I'm sure but you are handling it all very well.

 

[heatherr]

I am feeling better about the whole thing now. I guess I was just not prepared for him to say this. But now I realize that I do feel a sense of relief about everything. With adoption I felt like I needed to decide soon so I could sort of prepare myself and so I could find the best family and not feel rushed. Now I don't feel like I have to rush anything. For once, it has not been something constantly bothering me in the back of my mind.

He did mention living together a while ago, but basically took it back as soon as he said it. It would work out as far as me graduating not too long after the baby's born. He lives too far from my school for me to live there before I graduate, plus I don't think my parents would let me anyway. But I don't know if it's 've awkward if we aren't together.

 

[KFrey]

I'm so glad you are feeling better!

 

[skyesmom]

I'm so glad you are feeling better!

me too!!

and as far as it goes to living together while not being together and that being awkward... nothing prohibits you to try that option out and see how it goes, at least while your daughter is still tiny. you also don't know how your relationship will evolve once she's there.

if i'd see two young people acting like you two are, and even moving in together to try and find the best solution for your baby and for you two individually, well, i'd just say "respect"!

and as someone said, the FOB sounds so so mature and i can count on the fingers of one hand the guys that would act as responsibly as he does at age 22 (and the same goes for you! you act with great maturity and you're only 17 as said before, that baby is in great arms!)

 

[wookie130]

I guess I'll be the oddball here, and perhaps suggest that you pass on the moving in together thing. I think that there is more potential for the parenting relationship to go sour that way...I sort of think in this kind of instance, co-parenting separately would be the wiser and most doable option. That's just my opinion!

 

[heatherr]

Moving in together is something that I guess we could think about later. I don't see it happening, but who knows. I'm still not sure what I'm doing as far as my role in her life, so I'm not even ready to think about living together. Right now I just feel so happy that I don't have to make a super rushed decision and constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing, which is basically all I thought about for the past few months. I'm still worried about it, but it's like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

[wookie130]

I'm so glad to hear that things are becoming less anxious-feeling for you!

 

[skyesmom]

That's so good to hear.

maybe now that some pressure is gone and you start to feel the first kicks and your baby move, you may even get to relax into it and enjoy some magical aspects of pregnancy, despite it being insanely scary time (planned or not, there are always things to scare you, to worry about and to terrify you when you're expecting).

and honestly, i don't think that parents ever stop figuring out their roles in their children's life.. it's an ongoing process that changes a lot as we/kids grow up and one needs to constantly reinvent themselves on it. so no need to pres yourself to find a perfect answer right now.

 

[MrsTaylorP]

Hi, Heather.

I just spent about an hour reading through everything. Your story really touched me and I just felt urge to share something very personal with you. I'm not sure if you are considering adoption anymore but here is my personal take on it (and please do not think for one minute that I am trying to say do it, just sharing my own experience).

I was adopted when I was 2 days old and my adoption was semi-open. My adoptive father spoke to my birth mother several times throughout my first year (no pictures upon her request) then after a year all communication was cut. I grew up knowing I was adopted and from day 1 I had so much respect and love for the woman who made the hardest decision in the world. When I was 18 I made the decision to meet both her and my biological father. My feelings for my biological parents have always been very positive ones and I was raised by two incredible parents and a sister (whom is also adopted).

IF you decide on adoption, just know from an adoptees personal point of view, that you will be loved unconditionally!

No matter your decision just know you are such a strong woman and I have so much respect for you!

 

[heatherr]

Hi, Heather.

I just spent about an hour reading through everything. Your story really touched me and I just felt urge to share something very personal with you. I'm not sure if you are considering adoption anymore but here is my personal take on it (and please do not think for one minute that I am trying to say do it, just sharing my own experience).

I was adopted when I was 2 days old and my adoption was semi-open. My adoptive father spoke to my birth mother several times throughout my first year (no pictures upon her request) then after a year all communication was cut. I grew up knowing I was adopted and from day 1 I had so much respect and love for the woman who made the hardest decision in the world. When I was 18 I made the decision to meet both her and my biological father. My feelings for my biological parents have always been very positive ones and I was raised by two incredible parents and a sister (whom is also adopted).

IF you decide on adoption, just know from an adoptees personal point of view, that you will be loved unconditionally!

No matter your decision just know you are such a strong woman and I have so much respect for you!

Thanks for taking the time to read everything. I know this thread is like getting out of control. I thought maybe I should have started a new one but didn't know if I should.

It means a lot that you shared something so personal. I know I was worried that my baby would feel rejected by me when she grew up, or not understand and hate me.

I still think about adoption and think it would be a good option at times, but it's really pointless if he says he won't consent to it. Sometimes I am just still so unsure that I want to be a parent and I feel like it's fine if he wants to, but it makes me feel guilty if my child doesn't have a mother because I didn't want to be a parent. But if she was adopted, then she would have 2 parents. But then sometimes I do think I can handle being a parent. I wish I hadn't lied to him so that maybe we could be together or live together without it being weird, but I really don't think he wants much to do with me except for what he has to.

 

[smoore]

I definitely think it is best for baby to be with family since that is an option. You can choose what level you want to be involved. I would say though to just be consistent. If you decide you don't want to be involved, don't be involved. Then, someday if you decide you do make sure it is a life time change of mind. The only reason I say this is my oldest sister had a dad who would hmm haw a lot and come into her life for a weekend, then not call again for years..really like 5-6 years or more. That was really hard on her. It was not hard on her at all for him not to be in her life until he started doing that. The only time she got hurt by the situation was when he would suddenly get a wild hair and decide to be a dad for a few days. My mom finally told him to not contact until she was an adult and could make her own choices.

Realistically, baby's dad is young. He will most likely date and marry someone else at some point in his life and your daughter will have two parents. Not saying that to be snippy or hurtful. I just don't think that adoption is the only way she would have two parents. My mom remarried when my oldest sister was about 5 or 6. She considers my birth dad to be her dad even though he is her stepdad. She has called him dad for at least my whole life.