Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[Feff]

I know rejection is really hard, but living with the feeling that you want to give it a go but you're too scared is harder! The worse that can happen is he'll say no. Then you can just move on with your lives and focus on bringing up your daughter! I get you're worried about him thinking you're sort of using your daughter to get to him, but I honestly don't think he would think like that. If you feel you can't speak to him then text him? Just ask is there any chance that you could be a family, all together. Like I said, if he says no then you can all move on, and it's a weight lifted off your shoulders knowing the answer! And who knows what the future holds x

 

[skyesmom]

Heatherr it will all be good i also agree with Turtle to tell him you want to be in your daughter's life and that that is the most important thing for you. make this clear first and then tell him you love him and how you feel about the whole thing.

i really think he feels the same but the guilt and the difficulty of your situation might overwhelm him as well.

rejection IS hard BUT... not speaking up means not giving the real chance your love and your daughter deserve to have. imagine once she grows up, how would it be to hear: "I actually loved your mom/dad with all my heart back then when you were on the way, but i just never found courage to speak up?" - i personally would find it both incredibly romantic and beautiful but also very very sad.

again, i don't wanna sound pushy but... you two are facing way bigger challenges than being rejected at the moment. you are facing parenthood, pregnancy, schools, families, friends, major life changes. this all is already so much of a bravery, and i am sure in both your heart and his there is enough of it for this last little step.

it is normal for you to call to complain and be miserable about everything - that's a part of being pregnant no matter what kind of relationship you may be in. but men.. they don't get this even when they're 30-40 and planned it. it makes them feel helpless as they would love to "fix" the things for you but they can't (you know, like when your computer or your dish washer breaks... that's their logic). plus in this situation, i think his guilt may really filter the things in a way to make him think you are angry with him or blame him...

...plus, he also may already feel rejected as you were so miserable so far about having HIS baby... guys are weird on this and this is one of the deepest rejections they can live (i got LOTS of male friends and some of them took this pregnancy nagging like "she isn't happy to have MY baby"... others whose girlfriends aborted felt devastated for the same reason for months and got no understanding from the most of their male friends too - the standard "man you're lucky to have dodged the bullet!" shit).

all this blabla to say that you two are great and deserve a chance. and any rejection will heal eventually, but the future regret of not having spoken up may linger on for way longer and if you can spare your future self from it, do it! (although i understand the fear as being rejected really really sucks at the beginning)

 

[wookie130]

I think whatever you decide to do regarding the father is up to you, Heatherr. I'm not sure what my opinion is regarding telling him your feelings...but I'm sure that like everything else, time will give you a bit more clarity, and you'll figure it out for yourself. I guess the worst thing that could happen, is rejection. So, if you're up to facing that, then yeah, I suppose I'd advise taking the plunge and coming clean to him about your feelings. If that possibility is too difficult to face right now, than it's okay to hold off telling him too...

Honestly, I'm just so happy that you know what you'd like your role to be in terms of your daughter and pregnancy, even if you're not sure to what extent quite yet. That right there is huge!

I hated both of my pregnancies, honestly. A lot of women enjoy being pregnant, and a lot of women don't want the experience to end. I was definitely NOT one of these women, and I definitely yearned deeply for both of my babies in a way that ached in my heart. I just didn't like anything about being pregnant, really. I was uncomfortable, I hated that weight gain, the hormones, I could barely move, and because I have a history of miscarriage, there was always constant worry and anxiety. I couldn't sleep, I craved gross food, my hair felt greasy, and I have no energy to do anything. It just wasn't a beautiful thing for me...but the births!!! Oh, goodness. I had c-sections with both of my babies, and unlike a lot of women who regretted having c-sections, or wanted a natural delivery, etc., I LOVED my c-section births! That moment when my daughter (and son) were lifted out of me, and I could hear that first cry behind the curtain, every pain, sleepless night, and other pregnancy-related annoyance was replaced by inexplicable joy and elation, seriously. That first cry is the most beautiful sound I ever heard. It is amazing how one single moment can change your life forever. While not every mother bonds with their baby immediately, or falls in love with their child instantaneously, I most certainly did, both times. If you're like I was upon seeing that baby, you may decide right then and there that you'd like to be the primary parent. I guess what I'm telling you, is prepare for your feelings to change, at a moment's notice. You just never know how you're going to feel at the moment of your daughter's birth. It can be a big game-changer, is all I'm saying!

 

[heatherr]

Thank you to everyone for being so encouraging. I am just so nervous to say anything to him about our relationship, but I am seeing him tomorrow (first time since the ultrasound close to 3 weeks ago), so maybe I can work up the courage then. I will have to feel out the situation and see if it seems like it'll be a good idea. He wants to talk about things, about how I'm feeling about everything (not about him, about the baby situation) not via text and without my family being around.

Meanwhile, I'm so tired but cannot find a comfortable position to lay in. I've had shooting pains in my lower back and hips for the past 2 days now. From what I've read it sounds like over the next few weeks she'll be doing a lot of growing. She must already be getting bigger because last night my mom could feel her kicking from the outside. I hope she'll do it so fob can feel it tomorrow.

 

[Tmb0047]

Good luck with today's chat....hope you walk away from it with a sense of comfort. Try not to feel uncomfortable around him. I am sure your "lie" makes you feel young and immature but I don't think that the FOB sees it that way...he seems like a great guy and you seem like a strong young lady. Just remember that you're strong and try your best to be confident in yourself when he is around. No point in continuing to beat yourself up over something in the past.....just look to the future! Everyone's story starts differently, and I think your future will be beautiful

When are you due? Feeling baby's kicks and allowing others to feel it is so amazing

 

[wookie130]

If he hasn't forgiven you already for the lie about your age, then he's going to have to learn to do so at some point. So, you messed up, and made a mistake. We've all done it, and you're certainly living with the consequences now...he really should just let it go, and understand that no one is perfect. You don't feel good or proud of how this all happened, and the fact that you're ashamed and he knows it says a lot about YOUR moral fiber. You have a conscience about it. He really needs to take that all in consideration, and realize that it's a mistake that needs to be forgiven, and that from here on out, the central point of interest is the daughter you have together, and go from there...if it leads to a relationship between you two, then that's great! If not, you can co-parent your baby together, and still give her the love of both parents, and both be an integral part of her upbringing and life.

It will all work out one way or another. Not that there won't be bumps and hiccups, but communication and compromise will be what makes or breaks the arrangement, whether you're with him as a partner, or not!

 

[wookie130]

It's so hard to get comfortable the bigger you get. Don't forget to lie on your left side at night, and try a pillow between your knees. The farther along you get, the harder it will be to sit, lay down, stand, etc. After a while, all physical comfort seems to just go out the window...at least it does for me. One thing that always did help the aches and pains of pregnancy for me was a nightly warm (not overly hot) bath...it just helped to relax me, and ease some of the discomfort. I thought it kind of helped with sore boobies too.

 

[Turtle0630]

Hi, Heather! Just wanted to pop in and see how everything went yesterday with FOB? I hope well!

 

[heatherr]

Well, I didn't actually tell him how I feel, but I found out how he feels. I asked him if he liked me at all (not romantically, just whatsoever). He said of course he likes me. He knows I feel bad about lying. He said I just need to get over it because he got over it a while ago and we have bigger things to worry about now. I have been worried that his family hates me too (over lying and then just not knowing how I feel and wanting to do adoption). He told me I'm just being paranoid and that nobody is thinking about that stuff. He said if anything, his parents mainly blamed him for the situation, not me. All his mom keeps saying now is things like, "Imagine next year we're going to have a little baby at Christmas!" She's already buying Christmas baby things for next year.
I told him he doesn't act the same way towards me now, just treats me like a friend. He said well yeah, because we aren't together. Then he asked if I wanted to be together, but I didn't want to say yes, so I just shrugged. He just rolled his eyes and said he is attracted to me, but everyone he knows has made him feel so bad that he feels like a creep being attracted to me now. It feels wrong to him. So, I started to cry because almost everything makes me cry now. I literally cry over something every day. He hugged me and I just cried and cried about everything, like all of the stress of everything just came out. He kissed me, but probably because he feels bad. Then he did the worst thing and told me if I was a few years older he'd ask me to marry him. He was like it's so weird because he never thought he'd feel that way or that he would feel this way about having a baby right now, but he can't really explain it. He said he thinks we just need to see how things go and for me to figure out how involved I'm going to be, where I'm applying for college, how we'll manage everything once I'm done with school this spring, etc.

 

[Blu10]

Heather i have been following your post for a while now. This baby has been a complete shock for you both but I honestly feel like you two are destined to be together and your last post confirms it! I understand you being scared.... i had my first baby at 27 and was still terrified but you seem like such a lovely girl and im sure you will make the right decision for your baby. Dont worry about what others think, if you and fob want to give it a go then ignore the rumour mill and enjoy x

 

[SurpriseBub]

Awwww- that sounds so sweet! It does really seem like you both have feelings for each other ...take it one day at a time and see what happens.

...And don't get married for a good while yet!

 

[wookie130]

Well...that's good, eh? I think things could develop over time, really. The baby really could change things between you, and unfortunately, not for the better for a lot of couples. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just realistic. Babies take a toll on couples, and it can be hard. On the other hand, it could deepen your sense of respect for one another, which may actually be good for developing relationship between you two. So...like someone above said, take it one day and one step at a time. You never know!

 

[rhdr9193..x]

iv just read through this whole thread. and wow what a roller coaster you have been on.
you sound like an amazing woman and FOB seems to be level headed and very practical, and its great that he wants to be so involved.
i can totally see this having a fairytale ending. i was 18 when i had my son and me and his daddy are still together. Yes having a baby does change your life but oliver is 2 and a half and im 6 months away from graduating university.
Life throws curveballs but everyone can deal with them. Well done and big hugs xx

 

[skyesmom]

Heather! it is so so good that you two guys are stating to talk about your feelings!

he REALLY does sound like he's in love with you and cares A LOT about you, at least to me.
He was brave enough to tell you he feels attracted to you despite being under pressure. He DIDN'T say he DOES NOT feel attracted to you, but said how the external pressure makes him feel that this is WRONG. I also don't think he kissed you because he feels bad. I think he did it because he has feelings for you and it was the most normal and natural thing to do in that moment and he just did it. it is also very good that you let your feelings go and that stress melt out a bit.

and the thing about getting married and all: i don't think what he said is the worst thing ever. i think he's just trying to word his feelings somehow, a feeling of being surprised how much he actually WANTS the baby and a family life with you himself. I think he's surprised by his own reaction and his own feelings and their strength, i think any 23-year-old would be. I am sure having a kid now never crossed his mind as something he may actually be happy and excited about before it happened, but now that it is here and with YOU, he is actually excited, he's attracted to you, he's thinking of future with you and all.

maybe he feels/fears that asking you to be in a committed relationship/marry him, would mean he'd force you into motherhood and into being a housewife and not taking your chance at college and whatnot (since he mentioned that if you were older - and already had your experiences and clear ideas regarding your place in your daughters' life - he'd ask you to marry him, but because you don't, he doesn't wanna force you).

i totally understand why you shrugged your shoulders when he asked you if you wanna be together, i get your fear... but you know you said just a part of your true feelings with it... and i think he'd be different to you if you told him how you feel.


if you ask me - without wanting to push you into anything - but i think you two should just start hanging out more often, and get closer again. and open up about your feelings gradually. i'm sure this guys cares a lot about you heather.

the worst thing that can happen is that you two grow closer before your baby comes, and share a part of your pregnancy together. (by the way, did he get to feel your baby kick??)

as the previous poster said, children put strain even on most solid relationships, which is true, but you guys never took your full chance so far so... getting to know each other more before your baby is here can't do you harm, and may actually help you get at least a little bit ready for when the baby actually comes.

ps. it's also great that he told you how his family feels about you and the baby and how excited they are it's so good that his parents are also supportive like yours. you kids come from two good families and are really lucky! and i already see your daughter will have two grandmas to spoil her rotten (i mean this in a GOOD way!)

 

[Mannie89]

Hi Heather!
I've been following your thread for a while now! You seem like a very levelheaded young lady and fob sounds amazing as well. I have no words of wisdom or anything but I just wanted to stop by and give you some encouragement. Good luck! You will be an awesome mother.

 

[Vickster1]

it really does seem like he loves you but he's scared about it. i would not worry about the age gap at all - by the time your 18 it'll seem like a complete nothing. i suppose all you can do is keep talking about it and see how it goes. sounds to me though like you will be together at some point - even if not now. x

 

[heatherr]

Thanks for all your responses everyone. They've all made me smile and I have sort of been feeling sad the past few days.

I don't think it's so much that I'm 17, like I don't think things would be dramatically different if I turned 18 tomorrow. He said he feels too young for all this stuff and he can only imagine being 5 years younger. It's not so much the actual numbers. Even when he thought I was 19 he didn't plan for things to get this serious. I mean, I really am a kid. I've never even had a job or had to do anything for myself. I guess that's why I felt like him saying he'd marry me was the worst thing, because he said only if I was older. I asked him if he really meant it and he said yeah, but then he'd probably wonder what in the he'll he had done. He said he just felt that way then, but it wasn't something he had really thought about before, especially since the way it sounded to him I seemed like I was going to want very little to do with being a parent.
I did tell him that I do want to be her mother, but I'm scared to set a solid plan for who she'll be with and when. I think he is still worried that I feel this way because of his decision or that I feel pressured by him. I am still getting used to not constantly going back and forth in my mind about what I'm going to do. It's almost like I sort of convinced myself that I wouldn't be a parent right now, and now that I have decided, I have to come to terms with it all over again. I want everyone to know my decision had nothing to do with my feelings for him. Obviously the way he has been has made me like him a lot more, but I just had a feeling one day while sitting on the couch watching tv and out of nowhere I could just picture my daughter and I just felt like I knew she was meant to be mine. Before, I had similar feelings but didn't know if I could actually follow through with being the sort of mom she deserves.

We barely see each other. Only a few times over the past several months. I would think about it, especially because it feels sort of lonely. My friends are still my friends, but I think it's just sort of awkward now. They can't understand what I'm dealing with and I can't really relate to things they're doing because my mind's been elsewhere for the past 4 months. Anyway, I guess since we will both be raising our daughter we have more reason to spend time together. I don't want to seem desperate to be around him though. I already feel stupid, so I don't want to add to it. I really don't feel desperate about it though. In reality, I'd be really scared to get married. Doesn't mean that I don't like the idea of it. I understand where he is coming from as well. And really things are easy now compared to what it'll be like once she's here. 4 months really doesn't sound like long at all!!

 

[hayz_baby]

Hey, I hope your ok

Maybe you shouldnt have a plan? Maybe now all you need to do is concentrate on you and baby. Your feelings will probably change when you give birth, you will also need a lot of help. When baby is born just work together to get through the harder days and you may find what you really want will just slip into place. You don't have to be together to successfully raise this child but you can work together. I will gurantee you will want the help.
Please make sure that he is kept involved as much as possible, he's the dad and has made it very clear he wants to be in baby's life which is awesome and it's great he is going to step up to be the parent he needs to be.
I guess what I'm trying to say is just concentrate on being a parent. Parent together and don't worry about much else. The rest will fall into place.

I Hope you keep well

 

[heatherr]

I know we won't have everything figured out today or even by the time she's born. I am uncomfortable not having some sort of plan in place for what will happen once she comes home, at least on a short term basis. I know we won't be deciding that anytime soon, but by the time she's due I hope we have a better idea of whether she'll be living mainly with him or what. He hasn't outright said it, but has basically said he wants her half the time and not less. He is willing to take on more if I can't, but he doesn't want me to decide that I want her all the time and he just visits a few times a week. I feel like it might be smarter to figure out a short term agreement that we can agree on and see how that works and adjust from there.

 

[Britt1979]

Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.