Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[Desi's_lost]

Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.

This is silly. We would never bash a woman for not having the money to raise their baby. We would never tell a mother that she couldn't have her baby so why tell this man that he can't have her?

 

[Mannie89]

Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.

^^ Love how people come to these sites just to stir shit up! Brand new member that's only posted once? Troll alert!!

It doesn't sound like he's "bullying" you into anything. Sounds like he is trying to be an awesome dad to his daughter! And to lie to him about being the dad... um no. That is wrong and borderline sickening.

 

[pansorie]

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims?

I guffawed at this. I'm sorry, but most people who have children do not have the money or the time.

My assumption is he has an extremely supportive family who are willing to bend over backwards for him and new baby. And good for him for stepping up to the plate!

 

[skyesmom]

Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.

hahaha totally Troll Alert!

Just to remind you dear Troller, we live in the 21st century where it takes just one blood draw to prove someone a father of someone else, after that the legal consequences are effing tough for whoever lied there.

man some people definitely have time to waste!

 

[wookie130]

Yeah, definitely don't feed the troll.

While I think it's amazing that he wants this level of involvement with his daughter, and that he wants to be such a major part of her life, you could decide that you do want to be the primary parent, and want your daughter to spend the majority of her days and nights with you...my opinion is that if that does happen, he should support it, and maximize what time he does get with her in any way possible. 50/50 is a nice split, but it does mean a lot of bouncing your daughter in between two different homes, which can be a lot of transitioning for an infant/toddler/small child. On the other hand, if it happens from the get-go, your daughter won't know any differently, and it could be fine. It's just some things to think about. One major thing impacting your decision early on, is if you're planning to breastfeed your daughter vs. formula feed her. If you intend (or want to try) breastfeeding, she will have to spend the majority of time with you in the beginning, while you're establishing your supply...you could pump, of course, but you'll need that baby close by to latch frequently in the beginning so that you can get a good supply of milk going. If you want to skip that, and go right to formula, then it won't matter so much which one of you has her. Just something to think about! Also, it would help if you BOTH had all of the necessary supplies at both of your homes, if you're going to do 50/50, such as you BOTH having your own cribs, swings, bouncy seats, you'll both need carseats, your own stash of clothes. It will be far less that both of you have to tote back and forth...sometimes leaving the house with a baby can feel like you have to bring half the house with you! My suggestion would be to save yourselves some grief, and both have everything of your own for your respective homes, so that you don't have to pack and drag it all with you when you switch hands.

How are you doing on supplies, by the way? Now that you know that you want to be a part of the baby's life, have you started shopping a bit for her?

 

[CathiiNoo]

Wow! Britt1979 please read the ENTIRE thread before trolling . We have established long ago that she wants to be a mother to her child. She isn't an idiot and is mature enough to know what she wants to do with it being the right thing.

Comments like these need to be kept off other people's forums. Thank you.

 

[heatherr]

I don't feel like he is guilting or bullying me into anything. I did and do still feel guilty sometimes over how sure he is and how unsure I am about things, but it's not something he's doing on purpose. He has never told me I have to keep her or be a mother. It's not as if I was dead set on adoption anyway. I will admit that his decision has strongly influenced mine. The fact that he wanted to be involved made it easier for me to consider it, opposed to me being a single parent at this point in my life. If he was not involved at all, I think I probably would be pursuing adoption right now.


I don't share every conversation that he and I have. He doesn't think it'll be easy, with or without me. I think he's more scared and nervous than he is excited or happy. It's not as if he ever said he'd be a stay at home dad! She'll have to go to daycare. He has graduated college and has a full-time degreed job. He doesn't plan to rely on his family financially, but they are well off and they support his decision, so if there was ever the need for help I'm sure they would be willing. Even if they wouldn't be willing, I'm sure he could figure things out just like the millions of other parents out there do. He's not an idiot.

It's funny because I'm sure like most of the other people here say, that poster is a troll. But based on what FOB has told me, a lot of people in real life actually ask him those things too. He said at first he just went to a website and asked what his rights would be where we live. Nobody took him seriously because he is a young guy who is willing to be a parent - which apparently is unheard of as far as some people are concerned. And there have been people he knows in real life who have also questioned it, or that have assumed he likes the idea of it now but that he has no idea what it takes to raise a baby and that he'll back out once he realizes it's not all fun and games. I feel really bad that so many people have been that way towards him. People don't really act that way towards young moms - everyone wants to help young mothers.

Yeah, definitely don't feed the troll.

While I think it's amazing that he wants this level of involvement with his daughter, and that he wants to be such a major part of her life, you could decide that you do want to be the primary parent, and want your daughter to spend the majority of her days and nights with you...my opinion is that if that does happen, he should support it, and maximize what time he does get with her in any way possible. 50/50 is a nice split, but it does mean a lot of bouncing your daughter in between two different homes, which can be a lot of transitioning for an infant/toddler/small child. On the other hand, if it happens from the get-go, your daughter won't know any differently, and it could be fine. It's just some things to think about. One major thing impacting your decision early on, is if you're planning to breastfeed your daughter vs. formula feed her. If you intend (or want to try) breastfeeding, she will have to spend the majority of time with you in the beginning, while you're establishing your supply...you could pump, of course, but you'll need that baby close by to latch frequently in the beginning so that you can get a good supply of milk going. If you want to skip that, and go right to formula, then it won't matter so much which one of you has her. Just something to think about! Also, it would help if you BOTH had all of the necessary supplies at both of your homes, if you're going to do 50/50, such as you BOTH having your own cribs, swings, bouncy seats, you'll both need carseats, your own stash of clothes. It will be far less that both of you have to tote back and forth...sometimes leaving the house with a baby can feel like you have to bring half the house with you! My suggestion would be to save yourselves some grief, and both have everything of your own for your respective homes, so that you don't have to pack and drag it all with you when you switch hands.

How are you doing on supplies, by the way? Now that you know that you want to be a part of the baby's life, have you started shopping a bit for her?

At this point, I'll let him have her more than 50% of the time. I do not have an overwhelming feeling that I want her with me all the time. I feel really bad admitting this. I am scared to have her at all. Sometimes I wish I could just visit her. I mean, maybe having her 2 nights would be ok. I have only brought up 50/50 before because I just feel it might be unfair to make him have her more. But I do want to get a job after she is born and I will be starting college and my schedule will be a lot less normal than his will be. That's why I thought maybe I could try to have 2 days where my schedule was clear to have her. I know I might change my mind between now and when she's here, but I can honestly say I am not even remotely leaning toward the idea of having her the majority of the time. I do not plan on ignoring her for the rest of the time where she would be with him. I mean, I could visit her during the week when she was with him, but she could actually stay at his place during the week so she'd stay on a more normal schedule.

I have not even thought about breastfeeding, assuming I will not have her that many days of the week. I really haven't thought about a lot of these things yet. Like, I know I want to be her mother and not sign my rights away, but at the same time I don't feel like this strong mommy urge where I'm excited about stuff and thinking about how I'm going to parent her. Sorry if this sounds bad.

The only thing I've bought is a baby book, haha. It was less than 2 weeks ago that I actually decided on anything, so I haven't really gotten to that point yet. I don't have any money of my own, so my parents will have to pay for it. My parents are supportive of my decision, but I think they were giving it a little time to make sure I actually meant it. They just wanted to make sure I wasn't making a decision based on FOB's decision and that I was actually committed to it. He hasn't bought anything yet either. I asked him the other night and he said he'll worry about it in January. I can't believe in January it'll only be 3 months until she's here. Most of the time I don't even think about giving birth. Sometimes I'll suddenly remember that she will eventually come out and I will have to give birth and it scares the heck out of me. I have been watching birth videos on youtube and freaking myself out. Anyone here take birthing classes? Did they they help you at all?


Oh, and skyesmom, I forgot to tell you that he wasn't able to feel her kicking . My mom only felt it that one time, and I have also felt her from the outside too, but I guess she is not kicking that strongly often enough for people to feel it on the outside all the time. I feel her inside a lot though.

 

[heatherr]

OMG, I am sorry that my posts always feel so long. This is like the only place I ever talk about all of this. I mean, I do talk to my family and my friends, but I don't always like talking about everything with them and they can't understand in the same way. I just come here and end up typing way too much lol. It's like a diary for me now or something, sorry.

 

[SurpriseBub]

It will all fall into place- especially so as it seems both you and the father and your families are all on board. Your baby is lucky to have so many people to love and care for her!

On buying baby stuff (assuming you are in the US): I found Amazon the cheapest for most things. We set up baby registries on there and Babies R Us. My parents wanted to buy our pram, but otherwise we are getting the rest- the registries are great a) if you are having a shower and b) as you get discounts (5-10% back at Babies R Us and a 10% completion discount for Amazon). Just thought I would share for when you are looking to buy.

Babies also need less than the stores make you think- so don't feel you have to get every gadget they suggest! I am sure you guys will see what you want and need when you are ready

 

[Britt1979]

I assure everyone that I read the entire thread prior to drafting my reply.

I was concerned that Heather was being bullied by a guy that came off as more concerned that the baby doesn't go to strangers than really being a dad. However, Heather's reply to me makes me feel that he has put more thought into this than the previous posts implied.

I still caution that relying on a 23 year old boy to be a rock of a foundation is a dubious proposition and you should make your own decision on adoption without pressure from him and his parents.

 

[mara16jade]

^^Yup, Amazon.com is probably the #1 place we bought our stuff from.

As well as Buy Buy Baby. They are the same company as Bed Bath and Beyond and also have 20% off coupons. And will even take (non-expired) Bed Bath and Beyond coupons as well.

My advice is to throw everything on the registry. That way once you know what you still need (assuming you have either a baby shower or people buy gifts for you) you can go back and use the 10% completion discounts that most baby stores offer after your baby shower date. Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, Amazon and maybe Target? All offer 10-15% off everything in your registry after whatever date you put for your baby shower.

Don't worry about not having a strong connection with your baby at the moment. A LOT of women don't even feel it after the baby is born! It can take weeks for some women to wrap their head around the fact they have a baby, and that strong, devotion of love will soon follow.

 

[mara16jade]

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

But....not only is that wrong on so many levels, I believe that would be illegal as well. That has got to be some of the worst advice I've read on this board.

 

[Britt1979]

That advice was given before Heather replied to me and addressed my concerns about the boy. See my latest reply at the bottom of Page 31.

 

[MummyMana]

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

But....not only is that wrong on so many levels, I believe that would be illegal as well. That has got to be some of the worst advice I've read on this board.

I wouldn't even call it advice, just someone bored and lonely trying to stir up trouble... Very sad indeed.


Heather, just a suggestion you dont need to even consider it if you don't want to, just throwing it out there seeing as your undecided on the percentage of time split between you and her father, have you considered maybe spending the first week after her birth all together as a family, that way you can both get a feel of what life as parents will be like at the same time, and hopefully it'll give you more information to be able to figure it out between you (also sorry if this has already been mentioned)

 

[Britt1979]

For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

 

[MummyMana]

For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

Nevertheless you should not encourage someone to attempt take away someone else's parental rights (yes, rights) against their will.

 

[Britt1979]

For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

Nevertheless you should not encourage someone to attempt take away someone else's parental rights (yes, rights) against their will.

Fair enough. Like I said, the advice was given before Heather made things more clear.

 

[mara16jade]

That doesn't even matter. To give advice that can alter another person's life, and could land Heather in deep legal trouble - its wrong and deceitful. Even if the fob had also been 17 years old, no income, no college degree - you can't just decide for him that he will not be the father because you don't want him to. lol Come on.

 

[Britt1979]

I was merely trying to help someone stand up for herself and prevent getting bullied based on the information that was available before Heather replied to me.

 

[heatherr]

Heather, just a suggestion you dont need to even consider it if you don't want to, just throwing it out there seeing as your undecided on the percentage of time split between you and her father, have you considered maybe spending the first week after her birth all together as a family, that way you can both get a feel of what life as parents will be like at the same time, and hopefully it'll give you more information to be able to figure it out between you (also sorry if this has already been mentioned)

We haven't thought about that, but maybe we will once we get closer to. He was suggesting different options, but then got frustrated when I didn't like any of the options, so he said I can figure it out.

For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

If you had read the entire thread, or even just the first post, thoroughly like you said you did, you'd have known that he wasn't aware that I was 17 or in high school at the time. He didn't find out until I confessed to him at the same time I told him I was pregnant. Sort of hard to hide my age if we're having a baby together. He also told me if he had originally known I was 17 he wouldn't have been with me and he definitely wouldn't have had sex with me. He doesn't make a habit of sleeping with teenage girls. His previous girlfriend who he dated for a few years was his own age.