Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

I guess the lawyer says it should be done just from a legal standpoint to officially legally prove he is the father. If we were married, he'd automatically be the legal father. I understand he is just trying to protect himself and his rights. He doesn't seem to think I'm lying about it being his baby, but maybe he does doubt it and just doesn't tell me.

 

[LittleLala]

I'm sure that it's just his family x

 

[MummyMana]

I reckon it's not to prove to him or them that he is the father, but moreso just to make sure he has legal rights, you know

 

[Feff]

Yeah, I would say it's more for legal reasons than because he has doubts. Which is understandable if it's being talked about that he will be the baby's primary care giver. I know how shitty that feels though so I get why you might be a bit upset x

 

[skyesmom]

i agree with the previous posters on this test being needed for the legal issues. he really stood up for you and this baby and i don't think he has any doubts about it being his. so many guys would have just ran away in this situation, regardless of their age but he so far acted great.

i think it might be his parents and his lawyer asking for this not to check if you are lying, but to make sure he gets the legal rights on your baby, as currently he has no and you guys have been talking about him being a primary caretaker.

it sure isn't the most charming thing to be asked for and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but i'm sure no one is doubting that or putting it in question, just that they need a legal proof for legal reasons.

have you met his parents yet?

 

[heatherr]

Yeah, he made me feel better about it. He says there are a lot of things we don't think about, reasons why legally he has to do it for him and the baby. He says it isn't because anyone doubts me. Although, I do know there are a few people who doubt me and think that I am trying to pin it on him because he has his life together. That theory doesn't make much sense to me because I have never asked him for anything, never tried to make him be involved...I have not forced him into anything. These people are not important and they'll all be proven wrong anyway. These are mainly friends of fob who don't know me. I wasn't even supposed to find out what they said, but did accidentally.

 

[MrsC8776]

I think you are handling this all very well. He is as well. I'm sure it's a hard thing to hear that he needs the DNA test. With that being said I'm sure it made him feel pretty uncomfortable to have to ask. I can see why his lawyer would want him to, you guys aren't married and in most states (if not all) he has not a single right until that test is done and submitted to the courts. Just keep your head up. It sounds like he truly believes in you and doesn't doubt you one bit.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Just read through. I had my son at 17 it is scary but worth it. Big hugs x

 

[heatherr]

I have been really struggling for the past few days about my decision. I feel horrible and don't want to tell anyone in real life like fob or my family, but I am now feeling really unsure about being involved with my child at all. I don't want to go back on what I said before. FOB asked me if I wanted to help pick out stuff for the baby because he's going to start buying stuff now. I'm not really interested at all. I was interested a few weeks ago. I don't know if I'm just having a case of being really nervous right now. I think I was able to put things off until 2015, but now that it's January and it's 3 months away I'm starting to feel just as scared and unsure as I was back when I first found out I was pregnant.

 

[klink]

It's ok hun. Take a breather. I understand that all this is very freightening to you. And whatever decision you make is okay. Mybe you can go with him and pick some stuff out snd see how you feel after? You need to talk to him about your fears though to give him a heads up.

 

[mara16jade]

The thought of L&D is very scary. Just take it one day at a time and relax. I'd go with him to look at/buy baby stuff. I find it fun even when its not for my baby. haha

 

[heatherr]

Well, giving birth scares me, but that isn't what I'm most scared of. I just am back to feeling like I don't want to be a mom at all and that I was nothing to do with this baby.

 

[mara16jade]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. But my only word of caution is, before you tell him and your family - be sure about your feelings. If you feel wishy-washy, maybe keep those thoughts to yourself to avoid unnecessary drama at the moment. You have three months before the baby is here. And then you never know how you'll feel until you see your daughter. If you want to mention to FOB that you're nervous about being a mom, I'd say that's pretty normal. But to tell him you want nothing to do with the baby...just be sure before you tell him that. Just my two cents.

 

[skyesmom]

heather love, it is totally normal to panic out. ALL pregnant ladies panic out in regards to being mums. people don't say it as it's easier to judge those feelings than just the politically correct "oh i am so thrilled, the only important thing is that the baby is healthy, other things don't matter".

it is a major change for a person at ANY age, let alone a tender age like yours! and it is totally OK to have your feelings. i'm with you of not telling it to people in your real life as they will misinterpret it due to the entire situation.

panic is normal. fear is normal. doubts as well. we are just human heatherr, and no matter how much we want it, we'll never be able to do it ALL perfect and right. and we'll always be afraid of big things that overwhelm us, no matter how much we may want them as well.

so take a deep breath and don't force yourself to feel or not feel anything. these waves of feelings are normal and they come and go, and get more intense in both ways (panic and excitement) as the term gets closer. it is also your hormones in it as well.

regarding buying baby clothes and stuff, i'd go with your FOB for a little shopping tour. those are those small moments you don't wanna miss out on as you may regret it later. so just go with it and see how it goes.

and if the panic gets you there, tell him that you are very scared about the things and so on.

 

[wookie130]

You know, I do get this, heatherr. But, I guess I'm going to advise you to not make any decisions of that caliber until after you've delivered the baby. If after that, you still want no involvement, then you can address it then. Childbirth is a scary thing for many of us...and motherhood is something that carries a lot of uncertainties, too. I guess I'm worried that you'll make a decision that you'll regret for the rest of your life...but, if after having and meeting your child you feel the same way, then perhaps your relinquishing her entirely would be best.

 

[heatherr]

I do not plan to tell anyone how I feel right now or make any decisions right away. I'm hoping it's just a feeling that will pass. I just feel this panic like I want my entire freedom and don't want to have a child to be responsible for at all. I had become very ok with the idea, and then over the past few days I'm like, "What am I thinking?!" I guess certain things just trigger it. I have to think differently about a lot of things in my future and I'm still not used to it. I think maybe having to go back to school after Christmas break is one reason I'm having this panic. I just realize all of the things I have to worry about and think about that none of my friends do.

 

[skyesmom]

you don't have to find the answers or solutions to all those questions right away. you'll deal with all those things as they come. one of the easiest ways to fall into the panic mode is to overthink of all the what ifs and problems and issues and challenges that will present themselves in the future all at once, and thinking of how you will be able to cope with all that. but you DON'T need to cope with all of that at once. it gets sorted out one by one as you go. just like you don't have ALL your school tests in ONE day, nor each single one of those tests determines your future forever by itself.

being scared and panicking out is normal but worrying and over-thinking won't help solve anything. it is true that your friends don't have to deal with the same things that you do, but i am sure their own problems overwhelm them in the same way like yours overwhelm you (i know you may laugh at all that right now but it is how it is, just think what used to worry you a year ago in comparison to this and you'll laugh).

you are dealing really well with all of this, trust me you do, both you and the FOB. you're showing maturity and responsibility way beyond your age and being strong and mature doesn't mean having no fears and doubts and problems and hardships.. it just means dealing with them with care and honesty the best that you can, and trust me, both you and him are already doing this.

give yourself some credit when the doubts come over you. you are so so brave and somehow you will find a way, i promise.

 

[klink]

I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do
You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things.

 

[klink]

I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do
You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things.

 

[Hermione394]

Okay I'm caught up.

It sounds like the FOB is being really supportive, which is definitely a good thing for you. As for wanting a paternity test, my guess, honestly, is that the lawyer is telling him to do so. Not necessarily his family or himself, but merely from a legal standpoint to protect his own rights (from people who would suddenly decide to lie in order to put up for adoption, for instance).

As for your attraction towards him, maybe if you frame it in the stance of "once I'm 18, would you be willing to try us again?" It seems most of is discomfort is with you being a minor, so that might be easier. I'd also make it clear that it has nothing to do with your daughter, and you wouldn't fight him on his desires to have her 50% of the time if he said no, it's just merely that you are still attracted to him and want to give it a go. Just a thought .

I'm routing for both of you, you've got this momma!