Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do
You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things.

Oh I know. I was just responding to everyone who had suggested not telling anyone that I didn't want anything to do with the baby at this point until I was sure.

Okay I'm caught up.

It sounds like the FOB is being really supportive, which is definitely a good thing for you. As for wanting a paternity test, my guess, honestly, is that the lawyer is telling him to do so. Not necessarily his family or himself, but merely from a legal standpoint to protect his own rights (from people who would suddenly decide to lie in order to put up for adoption, for instance).

As for your attraction towards him, maybe if you frame it in the stance of "once I'm 18, would you be willing to try us again?" It seems most of is discomfort is with you being a minor, so that might be easier. I'd also make it clear that it has nothing to do with your daughter, and you wouldn't fight him on his desires to have her 50% of the time if he said no, it's just merely that you are still attracted to him and want to give it a go. Just a thought .

I'm routing for both of you, you've got this momma!

Yeah, I know the lawyer has to prepare for the worst case scenario. Even though I know that I won't try to lie and put her up for adoption, they have to cover all of their bases. I'm pretty much over that now. I just took it the wrong way I guess. Plus, I'm just paranoid about what people think about me, so I just sort of read more into it than I should have.

As far a us being together, it's not something I will bring up any time soon since I'm back to feeling so unsure about what I will do. Around the holidays we did spend more time together and we almost slept together, but then I guess both realized it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

[skyesmom]

awwww that's actually such a cute thing to hear! it is good that you had some sort of a rekindling and if you end up wanting to sleep with each other it may happen when it feels less awkward.. but i'm so so happy to hear this

 

[BabyCleo]

Hello!! I read all through this and I just wanted to say congrats!!

I never got pregnant at 17, (Im 23) however I did run away from home. I took off one night and never went back. (Its a long story) But when I did that, I gave up my education, money, and a comfortable lifestyle. I finished high school on time, however I was working 2 jobs at that time. Over time, I got a university degree (forensic science), I met my husband and we got a place. It took a lot of hard work, patience and sacrifice. I did make it however and now im sitting here happily married, pregnant and financially stable.

I gave up a regular teen life because I had too. (Unstable home) and I do not regret any of it. Everything I wanted, I did eventually get. I PROMISE you, if you keep this baby, you will also get everything you want and have a normal life.

None of my other friends ran away, but we stayed friends. I left with literally nothing but my handbag and my work uniform. I now live in a beautiful condo, fully furnished. I promise, you will be okay. I know that not being "normal" sounds scary, and it was scary for me but I made it work and it worked out really well!!

Im not suggesting you run away from home lol, im just letting you know that I was someone who had a very different life and responsibilities than the regular 17 year old. I had to worry about rent, money, jobs, while my friends worried about college, parties, and parents.

It will be okay no matter what you choose. Adoption is a very noble thing to do, and so is keeping your little one. If you want to message me please feel free, im having a little girl at the end of may. I can talk to you more about having a very different life at 17.

 

[Blu10]

How are things Heather?

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Hope your ok x

 

[Feff]

Hope you and bump are well

 

[40isnotold]

I have also just read through your situation. Thank you for sharing it. I think the fob is a remarkable man to be so agreeable to taking on the responsibility of a baby. He sounds stable with a great family, so your baby will be loved, regardless of what you decide.

I think that it is completely ok to wait until your daughter is born before making any decisions, including how often she should be with her dad. You may fall completely in love with her the first time you see or hear her and want to spend every moment with her. Or, when you see her, you may decide that her being with her father permanently is the best option for her. So, please don't worry about that for now, and please don't let the fob try to pressure you into deciding how to split the time (if you decide to be at least 50% involved and want to breastfeed, it may mean her spending more time with you at first).

One piece of advice I would like to give you is to not be bothered with what people say or think about you and/or the fob. I know it is hard for a teen to accept that, but you are a strong young woman. You are going through a situation that most people your age don't go through. When everything is all said and done, it doesn't matter what others think - just remain true to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. Who cares what others think? What is important is taking care of yourself and the baby you are carrying so that both of you are healthy and as stress-free as possible. Things will work out the way they are meant to be - no need to rush to anything right now.

Good luck and I will continue to follow this!

 

[wookie130]

I totally agree with 40isnotold when she advised you to not think about how to split your time prior to your daughter's birth. I really, really feel that you should just see what happens once the baby is born...it's such a tough thing to gauge prior to that moment.

 

[heatherr]

It's not as simple as just leaving it completely up in the air. It affects more than just me. Financially, my parents have to cover everything for me. If I suddenly decide I want her with me most of the time, they will have to buy everything I would need. In no way am I saying that I will make a 100% definite decision about things at this point or even after she is born. It might take a while to find out what the best option is for everyone involved, but I feel for everyone's sake I need to at least have some sort of idea of what I want to do so everyone is prepared.

At this moment, I don't want anything to do with this baby.

 

[Feronia]

I wouldn't let finances pressure you into a decision before you're ready. Newborns don't need that much, so why not have the absolute bare essentials on hand (diapers, wipes, a few outfits, and a safe place to sleep, even if it's just your bed made up safely -- look up a safe cosleeping guide, it's easy). It wouldn't cost much, and you'd be able to get more if you decide to have her for longer periods of time. Don't go out and buy a stroller, high chair, bouncer, changing table, etc -- expensive things that you don't really need (we've gone without all of them). Then you wouldn't need to worry about imposing on anyone with finances and you'd have more time to make the decision that's right for you.

 

[heatherr]

I'm not letting anything pressure me into making a decision before I'm ready. Everyone involved understands the way I feel right now but that no final decisions are being made. It might be months after she is born that any sort of long standing arrangement is made, just depending on what happens. I just don't feel like I can be like, "Well, I'm going to leave everything completely up in the air until she's born, guys." Everyone will prepare for the most likely scenario, understanding that the plan could still change.

Something miraculous will have to happen for me to want her to be with me all the time. I don't plan to argue about the 50/50 thing if it comes down to it. I really REALLY just want me own life. I want my old life back.

 

[wookie130]

 

[heatherr]

Sorry if I came off like a bitch in my last posts. I'm so stressed out about all of this right now and have basically just been crying non stop for a few days over everything.

 

[klink]

Don't worry about it. We all know how stressful pregnancy is and what hormones do to you! Not to mention being in your situation. It's all good!

 

[Feff]

Big heather. Hopefully you can come to a set decision soon and it'll make you feel better. I wish I could offer some advice but only you can make a decision now! I agree with a pp though to buy the bare necessities just in case, even if the baby doesn't live with you in the end you can give the stuff to her dad x

 

[skyesmom]

no one is judging you Heatherr, this forum is here to vent away and say what's on your mind! and i agree with all the pps, maybe take just the very necessary for the birth, and when she's here provide the rest depending on how you feel. i am sure your parents understand your situation, from what you've written so far.

 

[Andypanda6570]

I promise when the time comes you will know what is best for all involved XOXOXO Good Luck

 

[BabyCleo]

I fully agree with the ladies here!! You don't have to feel bad about freaking out. Hell, ive done it and this was a planned baby!! I still freak out now!

I agree with the other girls. Buy some diapers, clothes (just a few outfits nothing crazy) and the bare essentials to get through the first month. From there, you will have a better idea of what you want to do. You can also get things second hand too.

Its a good idea to have some form of plan in place, but I do agree that you will know better once you give birth. Can you talk to your parents about your feelings? They went through having babies, and can be a great support network with how you are feeling. Sooner or later, your life will feel more normal again. I know you said you wanted your old life back, but the real reality is that your life will never be the same, and that's not a bad thing! Even if you do give up your girl for adoption, that will be apart of your life. Embrace it. Its a good thing. Babies are a gift!

No matter what I know you will be just fine You are a very smart person for looking at all your options and wanting a plan sooner over later. Its also okay not to know what to do. Trust me, I have no freaking idea what im doing half the time!

Please message me if you would like to chat. Im all open ears!!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Thinking of you x

 

[skyesmom]

by the way, girls... you are all SO amazing! i LOVE this forum for being so accepting, helpful and non-judgmental!