Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

In about a month I'm going to a birthing class that is going to last pretty much all day Saturday and Sunday.

We've decided on a name, but we're not going to tell anyone until she's born. Well, I pretty much let him come up with selections and then just told him which ones I hated and which ones I liked best and let him choose. I have a hard time calling her by a name at this point though. I still just say "the baby." I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so bad about it. This is the worst I have felt about it for the entire pregnancy. I don't know if I am just getting more and more scared the closer it gets to her being born, or if I'm just now realizing the reality of the situation and wondering why I ever decided to go through with this.

FOB is getting frustrated with me. He told me he is not really excited about any of this either, but we just have to deal with it and that I'm obviously not ready to be a parent because I'm just a spoiled little brat who only cares about myself. He says I can make whatever decision I want, but then I can tell he gets annoyed when I say I just want to give her to him and be done with it.

 

[BabyCleo]

Ive picked a name and still just say "baby" ... to me it feels weird to call her by her name until shes out!!

It IS a frustrating time, unfortunately time dosent just stop (which would be nice!) but I do think you should cut yourself some slack! you are being very hard on yourself!! Its okay to be annoyed and frustrated, don't feel guilty as far as what FOB says, its not fair of him to call you a brat. Hes not baking a baby!! Does his/your parents have input regarding what they think you should do after baby is born?

 

[heatherr]

My parents do not think I should make any rush decisions once she's born. They think even if she is born and I still don't feel like I want to be a parent, I shouldn't just hand her over and make a decision that quickly because I could regret it, but they understand if I really decide I would rather she just live full time with fob.

 

[SurpriseBub]

Sending lots of good thoughts your way, Heather! Pregnancy is tough... Certainly tougher than I imagined, and I am sure even tougher when you are young and didn't expect to be in this position! I think you are clever to have a post birth plan in mind well before the big day, but also agree with your parents that you shouldn't rush to make a final decision.

You still have a lot of time. Try not to pressure yourself too much. and don't be put off by the FOB. He doesn't get the stress and strain of being pregnant... he made his decision (which is great!), but that doesn't mean you magically know what to do. He is probably just frustrated with everything, which is understandable... But not a fair reason to lash out or be mean.

Be kind to yourself! I hope that you find clarity as time goes on

 

[Vickster1]

So sorry you're feeling like that. It's good to hear that your parents are been supportive.

Just don't rush into decisions now as you may regret them later. You never know what you'll feel once she's here x

 

[Feff]

I still call Elodie 'the baby' now and she's nearly 2 as a pp said, your life will never be the same again whether you choose to be in your daughters life or not. You will be a parent forever. Some days I would love my old life back but then I think why? I wasn't going anywhere. Now I'm a mother to a beautiful, loving daughter and just started a job I'm really interested in which has good prospects. If I didn't have Elodie I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I do now. Don't make any rush decisions. When I was pregnant and in the early days I used to think about asking my mam to take custody of Elodie because I thought I couldn't cope. Turns out I can and I could lol. If you want your old life back so you can still do fun things with your friends, sorry but they'll probably drift from you. The people I bothered with before I had Elodie I NEVER see. They'd drift from you anyway because as you get older and people go to different universities/colleges/jobs/get boyfriends everyone does drift. Sorry if that didn't make sense lol x

 

[heatherr]

I still call Elodie 'the baby' now and she's nearly 2 as a pp said, your life will never be the same again whether you choose to be in your daughters life or not. You will be a parent forever. Some days I would love my old life back but then I think why? I wasn't going anywhere. Now I'm a mother to a beautiful, loving daughter and just started a job I'm really interested in which has good prospects. If I didn't have Elodie I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I do now. Don't make any rush decisions. When I was pregnant and in the early days I used to think about asking my mam to take custody of Elodie because I thought I couldn't cope. Turns out I can and I could lol. If you want your old life back so you can still do fun things with your friends, sorry but they'll probably drift from you. The people I bothered with before I had Elodie I NEVER see. They'd drift from you anyway because as you get older and people go to different universities/colleges/jobs/get boyfriends everyone does drift. Sorry if that didn't make sense lol x

I guess a big issue for me is that I did have plans for my life and did feel like I was going somewhere, and now throwing a baby into it definitely messes it up. I'm not saying that I think I can't achieve things with a baby. It just changes my plans and the route I would have to take to achieve the things I want. I just fear I will not achieve the same things with a baby.
I have excellent grades in school and have applied to a few very prestigious schools. I really want to go to one of them. In some realm, it might be possible for me to go there with a baby, but it would be more struggle than I want. I'd have to move far away from everyone here and then I'd be raising her all alone with no physical support. I know this might seem stupid to some people and like a particular university doesn't compare to your own child, but I'm not ready to give up on it and be okay with staying here and going to a local school. I worked hard for years because I knew where I wanted to go. There are also other things I wanted to do when I was young that won't really be so practical because I'd have to put the baby first and have stability and a good job and all that.

So, it's not that I just want to party and have fun and hang out with friends. I'm not really very into all of that anyway. Sure, I would like to go back to having a more carefree life.

FOB told me if I get into one of the schools I really want to go to, I shouldn't turn it down just to stay here and that it doesn't mean I have to decide not to be a mother. But I feel bad calling myself her mother but leaving and letting him raise her for years while I'm away doing what I want. I guess I just see everything in black and white like I have to choose 1 thing or another and there is no inbetween.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Sometimes its easy to think what if but at a point in life stuff happens we may not like,just seems this happened earlier for you. I agree not making rash decisions yet. Its a hard time for you all. Hugs xx

 

[SurpriseBub]

I think FOB is right! Going away to college doesn't mean you have to give her up forever. I think nobody can fault you for wanting an education and a career... there are so many what ifs for you at the moment... Wait until you get college offers and for the baby to be born. Hopefully then the right solution will come I to focus

 

[mara16jade]

An education and career is VERY important, and I'm sure that if you and FOB brainstorm together, you could come up with a way to get what you want. In 4-5 years from now, you'll be in a very different part of your life, and I think everyone worries that after you've achieved your education and begin your career - you may regret not being your baby's mom. But you'll figure all that out after the baby is born. You have time.

So have you gone shopping with fob for baby stuff? If so, how did it go?

 

[40isnotold]

As far as the name thing goes, I'm 22 weeks and I have given my twins first names but I haven't actually used them. I still call them "the babies" in general or "the girl" or "the boy" if I'm referring to one of them kicking me.

As far as preparing and not wanting to buy things, one thing to take into consideration is how involved your parents might be in your baby's life if you decide you don't want to be a large part of her life, especially if you go away to college. If they will still be a part of her life, your parents may want the basic supplies anyways so that she can visit them. Also, keep in mind that regardless of how involved they would be or how much or little you think you may want her in your life, you can always buy inexpensive things and sell them used if they are not needed or you can buy used items and resell them if they are not needed. I am having twins on my own and have bought several things (from swings, to highchairs, to clothes and even toys, etc.) used in great condition. I bought cribs that were on sale from Walmart. My babies will not have extravagant things. Like a few others said, some basics like diapers and a couple outfits/blankets is all you may need in advance - everything else can be purchased once she is here if she stays with you and the few things already purchased can be given to her father if she doesn't.

Please try not to stress about things. Your baby can pick up on that. Things always have a way of working out. You are actually in a good position to be in considering the father wants to be involved, as well as your parents.

 

[redneckhippy]

My aunt got pregnant when she was 16 and had her son at 17. Like you, she was a smart girl with good grades and college prospects. Not only did she go to college, she went on to law school. Her parents helped her out with caring for the baby a lot in the early days, but eventually when she was able, she took over more of the care and ultimately went on to get married and have 2 more sons, all of whom have grown up to be great men. She did have to make difficult choices, but she realized that it was the best thing for her son for her not to give up on her education. It certainly is easier to accomplish those things without a baby, but not impossible.

I'm 30 and about to have a baby but I will be returning to school to become a Physician Assistant when the baby is 6 months old. If your not familiar with the program, it's super intense and it's going to be really hard to do it with a baby, but it's important to me, so I will make it work.

 

[heatherr]

It's not really a matter of me going to school or not. I know I will go to college. It will be harder with a baby, but it's not something I will give up. I can easily live at home, have the help of fob and my family, and go to a local state college. But my grades, amongst other things, could possible get me into an Ivy League college, or at least a pretty selective small private school, which is where I would rather go. The main issue is that not only would it be harder academically and require more effort, but it would require me to move away from home. I think it might be too much on me to move far away and have a baby to care for all on my own. Plus, most of the schools have requirements regarding living on campus and once they would find out I had a baby, that wouldn't really fly. I have not mentioned anything about my pregnancy during the application process to any of these schools, of course.

Now that I've typed that out, I feel like it sounds so stupid. As if I should really care what school I go to at this point. For a while I convinced myself it wouldn't be a big deal and I'd just go to a college close to home and be a parent, etc. But more and more I'm feeling like I'll have a lot of resentment if I do that. I don't want to resent my child and obviously none of it is her fault. I guess I'd just be mad at myself.

 

[heatherr]

So have you gone shopping with fob for baby stuff? If so, how did it go?

Sorry, just saw this bit. We're going to knock the bigger items out of the way first. The only things we've got from the store are a crib and stroller/car seat combo. For now, these will both be for fob's house. If I have her with me some of the time, we'll just share the stroller for now and buy a separate car seat for my car. I haven't really been into going to the store and buying stuff. Sometimes I do go online and look for stuff and send links to fob, just for little things like bottles and blankets and stuff. He's bought some of the stuff I've sent him. He has a list of essentials that his mom gave him so I've sort of been looking at items on there and sending him links to things I like.

I don't think we'll have to worry too much about clothes for the first few months. His mom has already bought a bunch of that stuff. Whenever she sees stuff on good sales she'll buy it, just like onesies and socks and things like that.

And I know someone mentioned my parents being involved with her. They do want to see her and help care for her. My mom said she will be buying stuff for her whether I like it or not. I have sort of made her not buy anything and she just told me that she's going to buy stuff at this point and I can get over it later. She thinks I will change my mind once the baby's here.

 

[Feff]

Couldn't you go to a local college for now and in the future maybe do your masters in a prestigious school? Nothing is wrong with going to a local college as long as you still fulfil your want of getting an education. I really wanted (and still do) to be a midwife or a children's nurse. But I chose to have sex, conceived Elodie and now my plans are on hold. I'm working my way up from the bottom (literally) as an auxiliary nurse at my hospital, because the degrees at uni were 37.5 hours a week which I couldn't do. I wouldn't throw away the chance of being a parent so you can go to a high end school, the school will always be there but your daughter will only be young once! (In no way do I mean any of this nasty, I'm just helping you see it from a different angle) x

 

[redneckhippy]

Most schools, even Ivy Leage and private schools, have family housing and day care. If you have the financial means, I would go to visit your top choices and find out about those options. I went to an elite private school and in my freshman dorm there was a lady who lived there with her 4 year old son and another family with an infant who lived there. I also did ROTC (Army scholarship) and in my ROTC group there was one guy who was married with 2 kids, one guy who got his girlfriend pregnant and had a kid during the program, and a girl who got pregnant during the program. All continued on with the program and graduated. Most of the private school in general do tend to be geared more towards traditional students (since most non-traditional adult students go to local state schools), but I also met plenty of non-traditional students at my private college.

It may or may not be the right solution for you, but it is an option.

 

[Feronia]

Just to echo what some others have said, most larger universities have excellent family housing options. Another option is to go to a community college nearby for 2 years and then transfer to a 4-year university afterwards. Your child would be older and easier to care for then as well. I went to a 2-year community college and then transferred to a top university and then went to an excellent graduate school after that. The first 2 years are just general ed and it's honestly nice not to spend a huge tuition on that, especially when you can do it locally! The professors were great and class sizes were small, so it was by no means a worse education.

DH and I also got married at 18 and thus we didn't have to claim our parents' income when applying for FAFSA. As a result, we both got large scholarships for university.

Obviously these are all just options -- no pressure whatsoever! My point is that when you think you might not have options in a certain situation, you do! So decide based on your feelings for being a mom and how much you want to be involved -- which may or may not change after the birth. I think what you're feeling right now is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

 

[heatherr]

I've been punished for being so selfish lately. Today I wiped and saw blood two different times. The doctor asked if I'd had sex, and of course I haven't. I had to go in and get checked out. They don't know what caused it exactly, but they are not concerned. They ran a test for a UTI and that was clear. My cervix is completely closed. Baby is head down now and 5 days ago was not. The doctor said if the baby moved very quickly that can even cause it if I have a sensitive cervix. But it hurt so bad when she checked inside, worse than ever before. Then later I bled more when I got home, but she warned me that might happen after she checked me. There is no blood anymore. She has written me a note to stay home from school tomorrow to take it easy. I know I should probably go into school, but I think I might stay home just to be on the safe side.

I know I care about the baby because I was worried today, and not for myself. For once I felt like I completely stopped worrying about myself in this situation.

 

[Feronia]

That must be worrying! My best guess would be a sensitive cervix as well if you're not dilated and nothing showed up on your 20-week scan. When I had some bleeding the second time, my midwife could tell that a blood vessel on my cervix had broken. I also got more bleeding after she checked.

Take it easy tomorrow!

 

[Mannie89]

I've been punished for being so selfish lately. Today I wiped and saw blood two different times. The doctor asked if I'd had sex, and of course I haven't. I had to go in and get checked out. They don't know what caused it exactly, but they are not concerned. They ran a test for a UTI and that was clear. My cervix is completely closed. Baby is head down now and 5 days ago was not. The doctor said if the baby moved very quickly that can even cause it if I have a sensitive cervix. But it hurt so bad when she checked inside, worse than ever before. Then later I bled more when I got home, but she warned me that might happen after she checked me. There is no blood anymore. She has written me a note to stay home from school tomorrow to take it easy. I know I should probably go into school, but I think I might stay home just to be on the safe side.

I know I care about the baby because I was worried today, and not for myself. For once I felt like I completely stopped worrying about myself in this situation.

Aw, Heather... That brought tears to my eyes. I can tell that you are truly an amazing person and no matter what happens at this point in time... you will be a great mother one day!