Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[OnErth&InHvn]

I just thought of this: what if you took a year off before heading to college? I actually applied, got accepted then ran out of money cause I wasn't living at home. I couldn't get any assistance (I tried) so I spoke to my university and I was able to put my classes etc on hold and go back when I was ready. Those years in between did wonders. Even though I did graduate later, my life was much more set up. You going to university with a 1 or 2 year old may be easier, and by then all your plans would be in place.

Just something to think about! I didn't know I had that option available to me, but in the Canadian universities its pretty common I think.

I don't know if I'd have the same sort of motivation that I do now. I don't know, never really thought of taking a year off as an option, but I guess it is.


I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's crazy. I can't believe only 10 more weeks until the baby is here, maybe even less of course. It scares me so much. I have also been feeling very depressed lately and anxiety is through the roof right now. It's not even just over the fact that the baby will be here so soon. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just feel really bad lately. I just feel really lonely too. Things are not the same between me and my friends. It's not that they are mean to me. We're still friends. I guess I just feel so different now.

Your friends WILL change and thats OK. Really it is!

Find a local MOPS group- you can even go while pregnant! Its for moms of children birth to 1st grade. Its a monthly meeting but theres play dates and outtings. Etc. You can meet a lot of NON judgemental people. Theres a Teens MOPS and a normal one. Some have Am and even PM groups.

https://www.mops.org/groupsearch/

 

[heatherr]

^ Thanks. I checked and all of the meetings near me are on week days at like 9-10 am, so doesn't work for me right now. But I can look for other groups.

 

[skyesmom]

heatherr, friendships in life change whether you are pregnant or not, and both harsh delusion and great surprises will be there on the road. a situation like pregnancy or whatever makes you do sth different from what most of your friends do is a change factor.

it sucks to lose people that you care for, but it also kind of makes a natural selection of those who are really worth investing in and those who are not.

and it sucks to feel lonely in hard times but you won't be pregnant forever nor in the high school forever (and your friends either) and even though it all seems neverending and overwhelming and like it's gonna be like that forever (in terms of how it feels), it is not. this phase will end.

same with anxiety and depression. I have depression too, i don't want to say i suffer from it because i don't, anymore. it took about 18 months to get a grip on it, and a therapy (no medication)... but i tell you, when it is there and it cuts you off everything and your anxiety can't be tamed with whatever usual thing you do to calm yourself down... let it be. it will go away, it will end.
sometimes these phases come with a good reason, sometimes they are just there, without you experiencing anything particularly different than you did a day before when you felt fine.
it is hard because it isolates you from everything, even from your own self and the anxiety has a nasty loop of "i'm anxious that i might get anxious", plus your hormones are blowing it all up for sure. (and don't underestimate this factor in whatever you are feeling, they're the strongest drugs on earth and not a lame excuse for whatever weird thing happens!)

but it will change i promise. and no women knows how she'll do to push the baby out of her vayaya, especially not the first time. you deal with it in the delivery room. so when all this comes to overwhelm you, remember that when the times come, you'll pull out something that you don't even know you have and deal with it. you've already come this far and did a great job.

 

[heatherr]

Yeah, I know friendships change regardless. I don't think that is what is causing me to be depressed. It just makes me feel worse because I feel so lonely. I still hang out with my friends sometimes, but they don't understand what I'm going through. So it's like even when I'm around them I feel isolated and lonely. I just don't have people in real life that understand. My parents are supportive of me, but I have a hard time talking to them about it because it just feels weird. And obviously they are my parents so they have certain feelings and opinions about the situation.

I texted fob and asked if I could go over to his place tonight so I can at least be around someone I won't feel so awkward talking about things with. I just said, "I guess so." So I regretted even asking him and told him nevermind I won't come over. But he said I should come over and he can show me the stuff he's got for the baby and all the stuff his mom has been hoarding and gave to him. He told me what he has, which is a lot of stuff I found online and he bought, but I haven't seen a lot of it. But then he said we don't have to talk about the baby at all if I don't want to right now, and he didn't seem upset about it. So, we'll see.

 

[wookie130]

Awww, I think you should go over there, even if it is to look at a bunch of baby items. It may curtail the loneliness, and maybe you can even enjoy a few good laughs for a while!

 

[skyesmom]

i agree with wookie! if i were you i'd go. there is one person that shares this situation with you and it's him (as much as he can as he is not pregnant and can't be, but it is your common baby in there).

i know "i guess so" can sound uninviting when you're already feeling low and looking through the dark glasses at the world and the people around you (maybe even without noticing it consciously), but give it a try.

baby stuff or not, if you don't feel awkward next to him (and it is definitely not awkward for him either from what he writes!), give yourself a treat. you don't need to bear this all alone and sharing a part of it with FOB is a treat to both of you.

 

[MummyMana]

Hey, I just wanted to sympathise with you a bit this is and odd one, but I know what it feels like to not have anyone who knows what it feels like to be in a certain situation (I hope that made sense)

Friends will try and sympathise and tell you they know what it's like, but you know that they don't know what it's like at all, and although they only have your best interests at heart and are trying g to make you feel a little more normal, it just feels like a little bit of a kick in the teeth, right?

I actually met someone on this forum who is going through similar to me and has helped me out loads sometimes just talking to someone who understands can make the world of difference.

 

[heatherr]

Ahhhh!!! I just wrote out a big long reply and then it logged me out because I took too long. I kept having to re-write it because it was such a jumbled mess of stuff.

But MummyMana, that all makes sense to me lol. It's like even if you are around friends and they are trying to be supportive, you can still end up feeling lonely because they don't actually know what you are going through. They are just saying the nice things friends are supposed to say, but it's not the same as having someone who has gone through it and can offer real advice or be honest with you about it.

I know this is crazy, but I feel so great about everything right now. I'm sure I will feel different again tomorrow because that's what it always seems to be like for me. I don't know how I can go from feeling terrible this morning to the way I feel right now, but I'll take it.

I did go over to FOB's tonight and spent about 4 hours over there. He didn't seem to mind in the end. We only talked about the baby and how I've been feeling for a little bit though, which was fine by me. It was nice to talk to someone who understands better than my friends do. He said he's been going through similar things with his friends and stuff, in his own way. Sometimes he wonders what he's doing and if he can really handle this, but he feels that once she's here none of this will matter at all. He thinks I need to focus less on practical things and plans and stuff and more on how I feel.

But the truth is that since I was bleeding the other week I have felt differently about everything. I felt like I did several months ago when one day I just suddenly knew I wanted to be in my daughter's life and not as a part-time or long distance mom. But then somehow I started worrying and focusing on myself and all of these plans I had and the short term things that I wanted. But I don't know, somehow after what's happened the past week or so and after tonight I suddenly do not feel worried about anything for the first time since I found out I was pregnant. The craziest part is that tonight I'm feeling like I wish she was due in 1 week instead of 10. I want to see her and hold her and kiss her. It's like I was scared to admit it or something. I've been scared to admit to certain people I know that maybe I don't really want those "plans" I've had for years and maybe I'm just fine being a mom and going to a nearby school and that I'd be happy with that. It sort of hit me after I realized what makes me feel the weirdest about being around my friends is this pity they have for me. It's like "We're so sorry you ruined your life." I know they don't mean it in a bad way, but I find myself thinking, "But I'm not ruining my life!" I feel like maybe I've let a lot of people convince me that I am ruining my life or that I should want something else. I don't know, it's like whatever FOB said tonight just made something click for me or was just what I needed to hear and I wish I could describe it. And it has nothing to do with a relationship between us or any sort of potential relationship, because I'm not even thinking about or considering that right now. So, it's not as if my mind is clouded in that way. I just know this feeling will go away though, probably like it did months ago when I felt good for a few days.

 

[Madjackrabbit]

Hi Heather,
I read some of your story and just registered so I could cheer you on I can't pretend to know what you have gone/are going through but I do know what a surprise (shock) pregnancy feels like. I found out I was pregnant last November and although I am 28 and in a pretty solid relationship we do live on the other side of the world from all our friends and family and support. We had just moved provinces and didn't know anyone. To top it off, I am our main income earner so any time off affects our finances hugely.

I didn't find out until I was 7 weeks along, and we spent at least 5-6 weeks trying to decide what to do until a series of somewhat unexpected and serendipitous events convinced us to give parenthood a crack.

Our little boy is 7 months old today. I took a whopping 8 weeks off work when he was born (at that point our financial situation drove me back to work) and his papa is a full-time Dad. It has been so busy and tough and rewarding and lovely all in one go. I didn't think I'd be able to but I'm even still breastfeeding (and expressing when I work). We don't know anyone who has the same situation as us and getting time to ourselves is hard with no family nearby but we're doing it and he's happy and healthy and a lot of fun. I admit I found the newborn stage very hard, especially with work looming, but please know that there is always a way to juggle it and it feels so rewarding.

Best of luck for the next few weeks of pregnancy, rest up and try not to worry - everything will work out just fine! Keep talking to people when you need to and don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. One day at a time

 

[40isnotold]

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better emotionally. Us pregnant women really do go through some emotional ups and downs during our journeys. It's normal.

As far as friends go, most of mine for the last 10 years have been women without kids, just like how I was. I had a couple of friends that got pregnant, but we didn't hang out as much because our interests were different. I didn't know how to relate to them. Now that I am pregnant, I am finding that I am rekindling those friendships and am not hanging out with some of my childless friends as much. You will make new friends with people who have children because your life will be different and that is ok. Friends do come and go in life. Even if you weren't pregnant, you would probably find that you lose touch with some of your high school friends anyways as you would make new friends in college. I am glad that the fob is someone you can talk to and that your parents and his parents are so active in this. I live 800 miles away from my family. While I always miss them, I miss them so much more now that I am pregnant. So, it's normal to feel alone sometimes. I certainly do and I'm on partial bed rest so I'm stuck inside except to go to doctor's appointments.

I am glad that you are starting to get that mothering instinct. Sometimes, a scare is all it takes. I am 40 and choose to try to get pregnant after I turned 39. I have always loved children but was not ready to have them when I was married in my 20's. After I got divorced, the two men in the serious relationships I was in didn't want to have kids, so I decided to do it on my own. I am pregnant with twins. While I knew that it would be possible to get pregnant with twins since I was going to a fertility specialist and taking meds, I didn't think it would happen to me. I was scared, doubted myself and unhappy for the first 3-4 months. But, when I found out the genders at 16 weeks, I started getting excited. At 20 weeks, I was in the hospital because of a thin cervix and dilation. The emergency surgery to have a stitch put in was the scariest moment of my life because I knew it was possible to lose them. I realized how much I love them already and I've never laid eyes on them. I named them and I pray every day that they stay safe inside me until it is safe for them to be born. I was super happy that I made it to 24 weeks yesterday because they have a 50% chance of survival if they are born this week. I can't wait to meet them and hold them. Yes, it will be tough being a single mommy with family far away but I look forward to being their mommy and having them in my life.

Just know that you are not alone in this. Even though they are all different, we all have stories to tell. This site has really helped me out. We are here for you to share in the happy moments and to help you through the sad ones.

 

[mara16jade]

Fear puts a lot of wild manifestations in our head, and once you try to let go of the fear (and sounds like you are!!), you can think more clearly. You're doing great, and you will be great. Keep talking with fob, sounds like it helps both of you. Don't be afraid to feel joy or excitement over your baby coming. So you're a little young. That doesn't strip you of your motherhood! You shouldn't feel like you need to be upset because you think other people expect you to, or be afraid to tell others you're plans have been altered a bit.

 

[heatherr]

Thanks to everyone for your support. It doesn't matter if anyone has been in the exact same situation before. I think many of us on this site can relate to each other in many ways, even if the situations are identical. Of course, none of my friends has ever been pregnant, so they can't really begin to understand any of this. It's not their faults. I am glad they have not been in this situation.

But I'm happy to report that I am still feeling positive about things today. I thought I'd wake up and be back to feeling bad about everything, but I still feel really good. I wish I could type more, but I'm on my phone at school now so I'll have to write more later.

 

[wookie130]

I'm glad you're feeling more happy and secure about everything. I'm telling you, it's a rollercoaster...pregnancy, of course, but also just life itself. Just when you think you have all of these well-laid plans, life of course has OTHER plans. I think it has happened to most of us, and for you, heatherr, it happened much earlier than expected. But, we can always adjust our thinking, and make the best and the most of the hand we're dealt in life, and I think you're definitely trying to do that.

Hormones are just crazy, and I can tell you right now that they're a HUGE contributor to your ups and downs with this. Obviously, it's a complicated situation...but pregnancy hormones really take a toll on a woman's moods.

Good luck. She'll be here before you know it! One foot in front of the other!

 

[Feff]

Haven't got much time for a long reply but I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better about everything heather as hard as it is try not to worry too much about how you'll feel later on that day or tomorrow, just take each emotion as it comes and work through it. Big

 

[skyesmom]

heatherr! so so glad that you're feeling better and that the talk and the evening with the FOB helped you out!

i know you worry about this good phase being a temporary one. but if it leaves, trust me it can always come back and stay for longer. when i dealt with my depression, the first happy, quiet, good moments were just that - moments, milliseconds. i know rationally that i had them but i can't really recall them when i think of that whole year - i just remember the lows as they were 99.99 % of it. but then the good phases started lasting half a day, a day, two days and so on. and now it's the other way around for me. now i have moments of depression or sometimes days, but overall i am fine. and more than fine!

anyway, so glad you got a break from the darkness and got to feel some excitement and that those feelings are still with you! and you'll see, the time will fly by and she'll be there in a blink of an eye.

and - it is so good that you and FOB can have this effect on each other and help each other in a situation like this. you don't have to be together but you can still be a family and imho, you two already ARE a family.

 

[ClairAye]

I'm so glad you are feeling better about things!

 

[kbwebb]

I just wanted to say, your amazing and I really think you and fob will do well in whatever you decide in the end. I had my daughter at 17 (19 now) and it was scary but I can't imagine life without her now. When everyone says about the rush of love after you give birth, I didn't feel that for three weeks, then one night I was feeding her and just thought, you know what I really love you.. So don't worry if you don't instantly feel it. I felt like such a bad mum because of it. Also I don't speak to any of my friends now, like pps have said everyone drifts at different points in their lives, and you're going through something huge that they don't understand but that's ok. Just take it a day at a time Xxx

 

[Feronia]

Glad to hear you're feeling better about everything!

I've had friends confess that they didn't love their babies for weeks or months after birth, and that's with planned pregnancies. It's nothing to be ashamed about -- pregnancy and after birth hormones are pretty intense, so expect anything!

I've also drifted away from almost all of my friends who don't have children and I'm 27. I think that no matter your age, it's a whole different world and you have different thoughts and experiences that can be really difficult to get around. I remember it being lonely for a while, but I did eventually make some friends with other moms.

 

[mara16jade]

I've also drifted away from almost all of my friends who don't have children and I'm 27. I think that no matter your age, it's a whole different world and you have different thoughts and experiences that can be really difficult to get around. I remember it being lonely for a while, but I did eventually make some friends with other moms.

This is so very true. My BFF of 13+ years has pulled wayyyy back and only visited me in the hospital, and never came to see me after! The next time she saw me was at Christmas (and my LO was born in July!). She is single and definitely living the single life. Guess my being married and now being a mom wasn't inline with her weekend plans. Oh well!

Don't worry. You WILL meet moms and I promise after all the awful hormones tame down, you won't feel so lonely. I remember crying for weeks after birth saying how lonely I was, and my DH would get so upset saying, "how could you be lonely, I'm right here?!". And it was true. I was just a mess with the hormones.

Hang in there

 

[heatherr]

Thank you girls again for all your kind words. I am still feeling positive about things. I now find myself thinking about her and being a mom, but then I usually have this nagging thought, "But what if...." As in, wondering about all the things I'd be free to do without a baby. And now I am getting mad every time thoughts like that pop into my head. Before, I would just sit there and dwell on them for so long that it would drive me crazy. I think I just have to get over that "what if" thing and realize this is what my life is now. I love her and don't feel like I can just walk away. I also don't feel that it is an option to let her father raise her while I move hundreds of miles away to go to college somewhere fancy. I don't think I would enjoy myself because I'd feel too guilty. I wanted to have everything I wanted without having to make any tough decisions. I was talking to my dad and he told me truthfully there is no way around this situation without having to make some sort of tough decision and compromise. It's just facts....there is nothing I can do if I go off to college to just forget about the fact that I have a baby back home. ...and vice versa if I stay here...I will probably still wonder about what it would be like if I was going to one of those schools and having a normal college experience. In the end, I've decided I will be able to live with sacrificing school. I know I will get into the local state school that is within driving distance from my house.