Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[BabyCleo]

I agree that it may be PND. I would talk to someone like your doctor or even your mum if you can. Sending love

 

[MarissaLeigh]

once you become pregnant, statutory rape is barely a concern anymore.
the main concern is the baby.
you have a couple options:
1. get consent from your parents that its okay to be with him
(itll keep him out of trouble if your parents allow you to be with him).
2. pretend you really don't know who it is, the state wont question you or test the baby if you don't want them to. its YOUR decision.
3. have one of your parents take you to court to get emancipated.
4. just tell them after you figure out exactly what you want to do, if they don't approve that's too bad because you're considered independent when you become pregnant.

this is what you should do now, have him or any older friend take you to the ER (not obgyn, er is faster) and tell them your symptoms, if any. they'll bring you back and ask if there is a possibility of pregnancy. say yes. they will test you and let yoy know, youll be in and out in no time.
THEN if they say yes, you need to think about if you're keeping it or not.
if you decide to, then you need to grow up now, get your life together, start planning out for your child.
if you keep the baby and need help, MESSAGE ME. ive been through this.
GL.

 

[alibaba24]

I am going to talk to my doctor about this. I am still nervous to admit this to someone in person, but I am tired of feeling this way. It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be.

I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do.

I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.

It is good your recognising that its not what you want. depression can lead people to make decisions they never would usually make, Definately after speaking with your doctor about it and giving yourself some time you will know better how you feel . doctors see this ALL THE TIME so don't feel strange about it. just be as honest as you can

 

[skyesmom]

It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be.

I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do.

I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.

this is exactly how depression feels like: your own feelings being completely out of control, almost a separate entity from you that you neither can access really nor you can control, and whatever you do that usually made you happy, calmer, content and positive just doesn't work.

and the more you try to feel good, the worse it gets, and the harder it seems to control... PLUS, there's all the extra guilt you feel for NOT being happy and positive, and a general feeling of being a failure because of this as well. and helplessness, loads of helplessness.

but there is a way out i assure you. it is a phase and eventually it will end. no matter how scary it is and how impossible it feels that it will ever change, it doesn't last forever. and it will end quicker if you ask for help and talk to a professional.

you're very smart and brave to keep away from any hard decision making during this process. the feeling of wanting out is normal when you're this down you know - every time my depression has gotten me, i felt like i wanted to end my relationship to the best person i've ever met in my life, because i couldn't feel a damn thing for him or anyone else - but i knew it wasn't what i really wanted. and when the depression phase would be over, i was so grateful for not taking that step.

the sooner you get the support, the better. your doctor is a professional and they won't judge you. like wookie said, it's just one of those things, it's not your fault or anything to be ashamed of. and most importantly - it can be treated and you can heal. this comes from someone who's been so deep down that hole to be suicidal for a while, from an undiagnosed and underestimated PND. but one doesn't need to come that far or wait that long to get some aid.

feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.

 

[wookie130]

once you become pregnant, statutory rape is barely a concern anymore.
the main concern is the baby.
you have a couple options:
1. get consent from your parents that its okay to be with him
(itll keep him out of trouble if your parents allow you to be with him).
2. pretend you really don't know who it is, the state wont question you or test the baby if you don't want them to. its YOUR decision.
3. have one of your parents take you to court to get emancipated.
4. just tell them after you figure out exactly what you want to do, if they don't approve that's too bad because you're considered independent when you become pregnant.

this is what you should do now, have him or any older friend take you to the ER (not obgyn, er is faster) and tell them your symptoms, if any. they'll bring you back and ask if there is a possibility of pregnancy. say yes. they will test you and let yoy know, youll be in and out in no time.
THEN if they say yes, you need to think about if you're keeping it or not.
if you decide to, then you need to grow up now, get your life together, start planning out for your child.
if you keep the baby and need help, MESSAGE ME. ive been through this.
GL.

She's had the baby, nearly 8 weeks ago.

 

[Madjackrabbit]

Hi Heather,
I just wanted to lend my support and agree with the above posters - you are not a horrible person or a bad mother because of how you are feeling, and the feeling of guilt is something that many many people struggle with.

I went back to full time work when my son was 8 weeks old and from that experience I can say that the pressure of work or school on top of the post-partum hormones caused me to feel the same way - I felt like I was letting my family down and neglecting my baby. With a lot of support from my other half I stopped feeling so emotionally awful after a few weeks but I can't stress enough that if you cant speak with FOB or your family that you find a doctor or counsellor that you can ask for help from. They will be very used to helping with people suffering from feelings of guilt or sadness and I really hope you get a workable response from them.

In the meantime, please know that you're doing great, your daughter will be just fine and I'm sure as she starts to get more interactive you'll find it easier to connect - I didn't feel a close connection of sorts until my kiddo started laughing, then it was infectious and lovely.

If you would like any of the tools I used to help ease the pressure of work + baby + insanity, please feel free to PM me

Huge hugs

 

[heatherr]

Now I've started having anxiety over things, such as driving. I get really nervous about doing things that used to not bother me. I don't know if the anxiety is related to the other stuff at all, but it's getting bad.

 

[Eidson23]

Depression and anxiety are often hand in hand. Please talk to your doctor they really will be able to help you.

 

[KFrey]

Hi Heather!
It's been awhile since I have checked up on you but I still think about you and hope you are doing well It took me awhile to bond with my daughter too. Everyone is different... hang in there. I am 100% positive you will figure this all out. Having a baby is a huge adjustment and along with it comes a lot of emotions to sort out.

Anyways, congrats on your bundle I bet she is beautiful.

 

[wookie130]

Heatherr, talk to your folks about seeing a doctor. You do NOT have to feel like this. It's not something easily managed without help, so do go talk to someone as soon as you're able.

 

[Srrme]

Now I've started having anxiety over things, such as driving. I get really nervous about doing things that used to not bother me. I don't know if the anxiety is related to the other stuff at all, but it's getting bad.

It is related! I have anxiety, but it got very bad after I had my last son.

 

[heatherr]

I looked up a quiz regarding postpartum depression and it actually mentions depression & anxiety, so I know that is the reason for my anxiety too. I've never had anxiety issues before. I scored a 25 out of 27 on the scale based on my answers. Obviously it's just an online indicator to help you realize if what you're feeling might be an issue,not an actual diagnosis. But that has convinced me that there must be something wrong. Yesterday I told fob about the anxiety attack I had while driving. I was only driving across town, maybe 30 minutes, and I could only make it half way and had to turn around and go home because I couldn't even drive on the road. He also thinks I need to talk to a doctor. My anxiety is preventing me from calling. I am going to talk to my parents tonight. I know I sound like a baby, but I might need my mom to actually call the doctor and make an appointment because I just get too nervous to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's like I'm so anxious and nervous about everything lately and I never used to be like this. It's becoming really debilitating as far as a lot of every day tasks go.

 

[wookie130]

Definitely have your mom do it. There's no shame in it, whatsoever. No offense, but from my rather "mature" (lol...I'm almost 37!!!) vantage point, I still view someone in your age group "a kid", and there would be nothing wierd or wrong with your mom making the phone call. My mom was calling the doctor for me until I was 20ish, I think. I actually can't remember. That now feels like a few thousand years ago. But yeah, you don't have to keep feeling this way. Do what you have to do for you, and for your baby. Things will start to feel better and different once the professionals figure out how to get things under control for you.

 

[skyesmom]

heatherr, also phone anxiety is a part of depression, don't feel stupid or immature for asking your mom to call a doctor for you. also, online test is not a diagnostic tool but it is a good indicator, especially with that kind of high-end score you got.

and anxiety can interfere with so many everyday things, that are usually banalities that you don't even think of when you feel good. i once had a day where i couldn't leave my room. i had anxiety over exiting the flat. i never had that before or after that single isolated episode. i had to call my OH to get home from work as soon as possible and get me out lol.

also, one of my dearest friends has depression and anxiety and i regularly call up doctors, public offices and even order food for her, as she can't bear talking on the phone (she's in her 30ies mind you!). she usually texts me and then i do. nothing shameful, not a big deal for me, and a massive relief for her.

and actually - talking to your parents and asking your mom to call is a VERY mature thing to do - it is dealing with your issue the best you can. also opening up to the fob about it is a great and brave move! good luck, i keep my fingers crossed for you

 

[LittleLala]

I agree completely with what skyesmom has just said. It's mature that you're going to talk to your mum about it and try to tackle this situation.
I'm 25 and I still make all the phone calls for my twin sister because she becomes too anxious. She's been sick for a while now and hasn't gone to a dr appointment yet because I haven't been able to come with her! So don't feel alone or immature, lots of people older than you struggle with daily tasks due to anxiety.

 

[Topanga053]

Thanks for all of your replies. Makes me not feel so bad about the way I'm feeling, or maybe I should say the way I'm not feeling. Sometimes when she is with me I wonder if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel bad that I'm happy she is not with me the majority of the time. I worry that by saying this people will get the wrong idea about what I'm saying, but I hope not. In no way do I want to hurt or or anything. I love her, but I feel like I'm babysitting somebody else's baby at the same time. I will probably have her during the day all summer long because that just makes the most sense. I hope that will help improve things. I know it sounds so bad, but I'm thinking there goes my summer vacation....I think I'm turning out to be a horrible parent and I don't deserve her. It's weird because when she was in the hospital I went to see her everyday and spent most of the day there constantly, and now that she's home I feel disconnected???

Heather, I'm in a very different position than you. I'm 28 now. I was 25 when my husband and I started trying to get pregnant and we'd been married for four years. I had a miscarriage before I finally got pregnant with my daughter and she was very, very much wanted. I had cried for years, hoping to get pregnant, so the pregnancy was heaven for me.

So I was surprised when I had a hard time connecting with her. I will never forget in the hospital right after the birth when they put LO in my arms and--because I was so tired and sore and out of my mind--I remember so strongly wanting to just throw her down on the floor. That sounds so awful saying it even now. I didn't, of course, but I did hand her back to my husband because I was so scared how strong that impulse was. it went away, thank God, but the bonding was slow coming. I had PND For awhile myself (I think I started feeling normal around 8 weeks when I went back to work).

For me, having balance in my life was important. I love LO to pieces now, but I needed to go back to work and have date nights with my husband and see my friends. I used to feel bad and be TERRIFIED that the fact that I was so happy away from her meant that I was not a good mother. I kept thinking that I bet a lot of my friends didn't feel that way, so I must be the worst mother in the world. Eventually, I just learned to accept that that's who I am. I love my daughter and I would give her the world (a lot of people tell me I'm a wonderful mother, which is funny, since I doubted myself so much internally!), but I also need time apart from her. That doesn't make you a bad mom; it makes you human.

Also, it has been easier for me to bond with her as she gets older and can interact with me more. A newborn can't do anything. She's not smiling at you or giggling or playing peek a boo with you. She's just there and needs stuff from you, without being able to give anything back. Eventually that balance will shift and she'll be able to start giving you feedback. For me, the laughter and the tickling and the games really helped me bond more with LO. I love her way more now at 15 months than I did when she was first born. Maybe that's awful to admit, but it's true.

Relatedly, I think it's awful the unbelievable pressure we put on moms to LOOOVE every second of motherhood. But the hidden secret is that most of us don't. It's hard work. And there are tantrums and dirty diapers and late nights and not enough support. Never mind being a teenage mother at the same time.

So be patient with yourself, love yourself, and trust that you're being a good enough mother. The bonding will come in time, if you want to keep working at it. But give yourself time.

I know I sound like a baby, but I might need my mom to actually call the doctor and make an appointment because I just get too nervous to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's like I'm so anxious and nervous about everything lately and I never used to be like this. It's becoming really debilitating as far as a lot of every day tasks go.

HAHAHA No, I get it! It's not related to depression or PND (neither of which I have right now), but I have terrible anxiety when it comes to making phone calls. It's so stupid, but I always have. I'm a working professional (I'm a lawyer) and I Hate hate hate making phone calls. Thank goodness I can have my secretary make a lot of work calls for me. And at home, I make my husband do almost all of the phone calls. I just figure that some people have different talents. I've accepted that i'm just not comfortable making phone calls, so I have others do that for me and I try to do other tasks in return! So don't worry about it and do whatever you need to do to get that appointment made and start getting the help you need!

 

[wookie130]

^^^WSS x 8,000!!!!!

*slow claps*

 

[heatherr]

Relatedly, I think it's awful the unbelievable pressure we put on moms to LOOOVE every second of motherhood. But the hidden secret is that most of us don't. It's hard work. And there are tantrums and dirty diapers and late nights and not enough support. Never mind being a teenage mother at the same time.

So be patient with yourself, love yourself, and trust that you're being a good enough mother. The bonding will come in time, if you want to keep working at it. But give yourself time.

YES! I think this is SO true. I have felt this pressure and not just directly from people I know. That's just how it's portrayed everywhere - like you just give birth to this human and suddenly you just love every minute of it and if you don't then something is wrong with you. And I think I have especially felt an extra sense of pressure because of the entire situation, as if I had to prove I could be a good mother. There is this feeling that being a good mother = loving every single second of motherhood.

Also as far as the anxiety I'm experiencing, I also think it is in part just due to feeling overwhelmed by this major change in my life. I feel like there is a pressure to suddenly become a fully formed adult because I'm now a parent. I went from being a 17 year old who never even had a job before to feeling like overnight I had to become a relatively self-sufficient adult and do everything for myself. I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else?? And I wonder how fob can even put up with me. I end up feeling bad for him and never wanting to face him again for as long as I live. He offered to keep her this coming weekend if I didn't want to. That makes me feel guilty because he deserves to have a life too. He probably thinks I'm going to murder our child now.

I talked to my mom today and admitted everything I've been feeling. It turned into a big tear fest. My mom is going to call the doctor tomorrow morning. I know in reality this isn't my fault that I feel this way, but I still feel like I'm letting my parents down even more by getting myself into this situation and then not even being able to handle it.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

He probably thinks I'm going to murder our child now.

Please dont think that way.

 

[more babies]

I've been following but haven't posted but when it comes to PND I think people need as much support as possible. I got pregnant at 16. FOB wanted nothing to do with the situation and basically slowly disappeared. I accepted it and moved forward. The day my water broke my first thought was honestly my life is officially over. Horrible I know but I was only 16 and had no idea what things would be like with a baby and still living at home with my parents and being a single mom. I didn't know it at the time but I suffered bad with PND right away. I actually didn't realized I had it until I came out of it almost a year later. I was a completely different person for almost a year. It's honestly hard to remember a lot of it since it was nearly 13 years ago but I spent that whole summer taking care of my daughter then went back to senior year of high school in September. Mentally it was hard, very hard. To go to school and be a kid then come home and be a mom all at 17. I actually ended up moving out on my own with my now husband at 19 and had my second daughter at 20 and became a stay at home mom. I didn't suffer PND with her. I just had my son at 28 and have suffered with extreme PND from minutes of giving birth to him. I instantly wanted nothing to do with him because it was too overwhelming for me. Crazy right considering this was my third child and really the only planned one yet the thought of taking care of him if he cried was too much to handle. Thank goodness my husband stayed with me at the hospital the entire time and was amazing with him. Honestly though every time he cried and my husband had him I just rolled over in the bed facing away from them and tried to block it all out. Two days later we went home and within a few minute of being home I just burst into tears and completely lost it for no reason. My husband of course was completely confused because he had no idea what was going on. I just kept telling myself that those first few months are the most difficult and I know I never liked the newborn stage with my girls so I just needed to make it past that and everything would be fine. So I lied and said I was fine and lied on the PND questionnaire at my doctors office even though had I answered honestly it would have screamed PND. I wasn't bonding with my son like I felt like I should have been and I couldn't understand why I was finding taking care of him so difficult especially since I had done this all before at 16 and 20. My PND with my first wasn't the same as with my son. Anyways after I few months went by I finally opened up to my husband and that definitely helped to make me feel less alone but things were still very difficult. One my son became more interactive I did start bonding with him and it has grown stronger every day. Along with my girls he is what keeps me happy. I'll admit I never went and got help even though I know it's PND. My son will be 2 in July and I'm still not past it. There are a lot of other stressors that I think have kept it going on for this long but I do wish I had just gotten help or spoken up right away when I knew something wasn't right. Like I said I knew something was off within minutes of having my son. I've tried to deal with it on my own and at times hasn't been fair on my husband or my kids because my unhappiness effects everyone in the family. Don't feel stupid for having your mother call for you. I'll be 30 soon and like I said have attempted to deal with this on my own knowing what the problem is because talking about myself to doctors makes me so uncomfortable. So good for you for being able to talk to your mother about it and if that gets you the help you need then really that's all that matters. I'm working my way of out mine and like I said I have a lot of other high stress issues going on but don't let it linger for this long like I have. And please please don't feel bad for anything it makes you think or feel. It sounds like you're doing a great job! It's not easy and especially not the newborn phase. I promise you once you are able to interact with your daughter it'll make it easier to connect with her and then she will hit milestone after milestone and it'll just fly by. It will come. Not everyone enjoys those newborn stages even if they're happy and in the ideal situation and not suffering from PND. Good luck and lots of