Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[wookie130]

Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. Just sayin'.

Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will.

 

[heatherr]

Hi heather I am sure your not upsetting anyone at all. I am sorry you are feeling disconnected from your baby girl. I am sure it probably has something to do with the fact she is not living with you and your visiting her. so possibly bonding is not happening. lots of parents feel disconnected even when they are with their baby all of the time. Have you considered spending overnights with her? I do hope you feel better soon. I know when my daughter was in special care due to prematurity I felt disconnected as everyone else seemed to be caring for her while I helplessly looked on. Once I got her home and spent time alone with her is when we really bonded. Do you get to spend 1:1 time with her?

She does stay with me overnight on the weekends and she did stay with me for the full week after she came home from the hospital and during my spring break week. I've been visiting during the week to try to spend more time with her and hoping it'd help me. I do feel guilty just going about my regular life all week long and just being a mom on the weekends. I don't know what else to do.

 

[heatherr]

Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. Just sayin'.

Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will.

Thanks wookie130. I just started to feel like some people here were upset that I wasn't posting a lot lately and I felt really bad. I did come here several times with the intention of posting a long update and then I just lost the motivation. It seems like most people were just concerned about me. I don't want anyone to think that I got all of this great advice and support here when pregnant and am just deserting everyone now. I'm also trying to do more productive things with my time and I tend to get sucked into the Internet even when I just intend to come on here and post an update - before I know it I'm watching a full concert on youtube, shopping on another tab, etc. and then I'm on the computer for hours and my whole night is gone. I became so lazy during my pregnancy. So I sort of decided to take a little break from the Internet since I felt like I should be devoting my time to other things like school and baby and exercising and my own hobbies and things like that.

But I REALLY appreciate everyone's concerns and I will try to post more updates, even if it's just to let everyone know that things are okay. It is lonely now, in a different way than when I was pregnant. Of course my friends wanted to come see the baby. They ask me about her and stuff, but they have other things they're concerned about. It's like they've forgotten that my entire life isn't all about being a mom, but it's all they think to ask me about. And of course on the weekends when my friends are doing things together I really can't.

And I'm sorry to say, but there is no further development with the relationship between me and fob. I know a lot of people were hoping for that haha. We get along.

I will be on some more later tonight. I'm going to eat dinner and probably get stuck washing all of the dishes afterwards, but I'll log in after that.

 

[alibaba24]

heather perhaps your feelings of guilt are what is fuelling your feelings. please try to realise motherhood is different for every women. you have to find what works for you and your child which is what you have done. some parents stay home with the baby. some go back to work immediately and put their baby in full time childcare . some fathers stay home while the mother works and vice versa. It is not always completely dreamy. If I were you id visit my doctor and discuss how your feeling. can you speak to your own mum about it? how are your parents with everything?



Its such an emotional time and things to tend to work out and settle over time

 

[skyesmom]

Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. Just sayin'.

Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will.

i second every word wookie said! life's stressy enough especially in the first few weeks and a thread on internet really ain't a priority and it shouldn't be another source of pressure!

heatherr, you really don't owe anything to anybody here, and moreover, THANK YOU for sharing everything you did so far with us.

it is your right never to update again if you feel that's the right thing for you to do. it is your right as well to post 100 new threads with 100 new questions that bug you - this is what support forums are about.

and regarding the lack of bonding - give yourself time. 7 weeks look like an eternity but it's nothing, really. you've got loads of things going on: a brand new (and premature) baby, first in NICU then home, back to school, coping with co-parenting, your last year of high school, turning 18... i mean, a standard teen usually freaks out for months just because of this last one, let alone all the rest you're dealing with.

give yourself time - sometimes things come with a delay because it's simply all too much to take in at once. plus your hormones are still all over the place and they play a big (and often underestimated) role, too.

massive hugs to you you are one strong woman!

 

[wookie130]

Okay. So, what I was going to tell you earlier, was that there are LOTS of things going on in your life. Lots and lots and lots of things. You're a new young mother. I think one misconception that exists, is that you should be head over heels in love with your daughter by now, etc. Well...no, that isn't how it works for everyone. Bonding can take time, and motherhood sort of fell into your lap, and you didn't plan it at this point in your life, etc. So, that's a huge change. Your hormones can also be fueling the guilt, and negative feelings...PND is common, and it's something to keep an eye on, if you feel that this may be factoring into how you're feeling. I'm sure things are overwhelming, and 7 weeks? Phew, you're JUST getting started on this journey. That is a tiny, tiny, tiny baby. Just wait until she starts interacting with you, and becoming a little person with interests and opinions. It gets more fun when their personalities develop. Right now, she probably cries, sleeps, poops, and eats. A LOT. Later, she'll still do all of this, and a whole lot more.

There's nothing to feel guilty about. Things will work out, and you'll get a handle on your schedule, and your life. It really just all falls into place eventually.

 

[eppgirl]

Heather, I just wanted to say, I've read through this whole thread and been following your journey just haven't posted as I didn't know what to say. First off, you're awesome! I don't know if I would have had the strength or maturity to do what you've done. Secondly, as everyone else has said, sometimes bonding takes time.
With my first, I had a csection, and for the longest time I felt like I still had to give birth. Like that baby in the bassinet wasn't mine. Until he actually started smiling, laughing, and interacting, it was really hard for me to believe I actually had a baby, he did nothing but sleep. And I was home all the time with him. It wasn't til he was around 4-6 months that we really got to bond.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Youre her mommy, whether every day or weekends. Shes not going to care as long as she sees you and you have a good relationship.

I have felt like you in a similar way with my son. I see him every other weekend and at times felt like his babysitter rather than his mom. I had to come to a place of what i said above. He is mine. I made him. I carried him. He is mine even every other weekend and NO ONE and NOTHING can ever change that. Id LOVE to see him every day. Id LOVE to have an ever stronger, better bond but even at 10, he knows im his mom and he loves me and loves the time we have. When hes older, ill be honest with him and tell him why its the way it is.

I tell you because it wasnt ideal. It wasnt the dream I had. I HATE it but I get to see him. The alternative is not seeing him and that would be worse.

 

[MommaAlexis]

I didn't fully bond with my daughter until she walked. Then I cried like a baby. Lol it was my first sign that she was like a real person ya know. I spent a day teaching her what trees were! Maybe bring her out and show her something you love or a good memory place

 

[Wobbles]

She logged in 2 days ago, and her on other occasions since her last reply (albeit not posting)

ETA (9.30pm UK time): She's currently viewing the thread. Heatherr, people would like to know if you're alright...?

Wowsers .... this is quite an uncomfortable post. No pressure to update you all then? Seriously members will update when they are ready if at all and shouldn't be cornered liked this then feel like they have to explain why they logged in an didn't update you!

Heather don't apologise. You don't owe anyone an update on your personal life, you post for support when you feel you need to how you need to you want to completely ignore this thread/situation one day you log in you do that

x

 

[heatherr]

Thanks for all of your replies. Makes me not feel so bad about the way I'm feeling, or maybe I should say the way I'm not feeling. Sometimes when she is with me I wonder if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel bad that I'm happy she is not with me the majority of the time. I worry that by saying this people will get the wrong idea about what I'm saying, but I hope not. In no way do I want to hurt or or anything. I love her, but I feel like I'm babysitting somebody else's baby at the same time. I will probably have her during the day all summer long because that just makes the most sense. I hope that will help improve things. I know it sounds so bad, but I'm thinking there goes my summer vacation....I think I'm turning out to be a horrible parent and I don't deserve her. It's weird because when she was in the hospital I went to see her everyday and spent most of the day there constantly, and now that she's home I feel disconnected???

I don't want to tell fob all if this because I feel horrible admitting it. I'm scared he'll think I'm crazy or he'll agree with me that I'm a horrible parent because I let him do most of the work.

This weekend she is staying with me, so we'll see how it goes. I've just been crying today because I feel so guilty. I hate the way I feel.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

There goes your summer vacation to take your baby girl!! You can do everything with her that you could otherwise! Look at it that way!

Camping? Yep
Swimming? Yep
Park? Yep
Movie? Yep (maybe during a nap but you could!)
Out to eat? Yep
Friends/Family? Yep (they better let you anyway!)

I really cant think of anything you couldnt do in some way, shape or form! You may have to adapt a bit but we all make it work!

 

[Blu10]

Hi Heather, big hugs hun, being a mommy is tough and these babies dont come with a manual. Have you spoken with your health visitor about how you are feeling?x

 

[skyesmom]

heather love, it will all adjust and don't bash yourself for all those feelings, it is normal to have them in your situation.

it is also important that you speak freely of those feelings you have, as this will help you deal with them. bottling it all up in fear of being judged is a no-go, and also it cuts you off getting help and support that you do need.

have you thought of talking to a councilor or a psychologist, even at your school? i think it could be useful to you, if only for having a real life person that is paid to listen to you without judging and with respect to your privacy and secrecy.

from what you write it sounds to me you may be going into post-partum depression to some degree. i don't mean or want to scare you, but you're dealing with a lot of pressure, you've got poor psychological support in terms of telling the people around you how you feel because of the guilt, and guilt itself is a tricky thing that can easily drag you down before you even know it. all this is more than enough to kick start PPD, even without considering your hormones and the changes your body is going through now.

and just to let you know: you're NOT a horrible parent. despite all your contrasting feelings, you still take all your responsibilities, go visit your daughter, take care of her and have her on the weekends, deal with the fob and his family and your family, and school and all. give yourself a credit for it. you're not acting out of any of those "bad" thoughts and feelings. that's a sign of incredible maturity and strength.

the things will adjust but i think YOU need a more concrete psychological support in all this. and don't think it's anything shameful. i've gone through an undiagnosed PPD that later turned into a full blown depression after my losses, and it took me a good year of hell before i asked for help and got myself a therapist (no medication ever taken). and during that time, i had all sorts of "weird" "terrible" "bad" feelings or thoughts one could imagine, went through periods where i had NO feelings at all for anything or anyone around me or myself (the scariest part i think). As long as you don't make important decisions based on these states of mind, it is all ok.

you are one great woman and the love for your daughter and bonding with her will come eventually, and maybe even faster if you don't try to force it or feel obliged to have all that love at once ready-made now and beat yourself up for not having it all just there.

massive hug to you!

 

[alibaba24]

just another little idea have you tried doing any type of baby massage with her or just skin to skin when my second daughter was little like yours I would do baby massage on her before putting her to bed for the night and she loved it and it really relaxed us both. she is 14 months now and still loves it. it just chills us both out and good for bonding. also there is a teenage parenting forum on here maybe you could start a thread in to find others who are feeling similar. not even having to stick to teenage parenting theres lots of sections you could find lots of online support if you think it might help

also I want to add if you dont feel comfortable doing any of that that is ok too. I never done baby massage with my first daughter she was premature and in scbu. ( i wish i had now though) every womens journey is different try to shrug that guilt even those who look like so called perfect mums have days where there is all sorts going through their mind about how tough parent hood is etc even if they dont admit it x

 

[smoore]

Hi Heather, big hugs hun, being a mommy is tough and these babies dont come with a manual. Have you spoken with your health visitor about how you are feeling?x

After reading your latest posts.. I was wondering this as well. You could be dealing with a real depression that is causing the disconnected feeling. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a health care provider either way about your feelings. They are not there to judge and are qualified to decide what is going on.

 

[wookie130]

You know, I did bring it up in my last post (when I mentioned PND, that stands for post-natal depression), and I do tend to agree with the other ladies who suggest seeing your doctor about it.

PND can cause feelings of inadequacy as a mom, feelings of "not deserving" your child, a lack of connection between a mother and child, and guilt. Honey, please go talk to someone. They can help you work through these feelings, and perhaps even start you on some temporary medication to sort things out a bit faster. If you get help sooner, you will better bond with your daughter, and not feel like a failure. You are NOT crazy, a failure, a horrible parent, etc. You are young, your hormones are probably way out of wack, and none of these things are within your control. There is absolutely NO SHAME in getting some help with your feelings, and seeking someone who can help you cope. If let go, PND CAN be dangerous, as things can escalate beyond your ability to control your behavior. I'm not saying you are anywhere near anything remotely like that, but as a preventative measure (and hey, just because you're worth it, and so is Gabriella), you should get help for both of you. PND is a really common thing after a woman has a baby, and there are varying degrees of it, and it may feel a little different from mom to mom. Maybe you could talk to your parents about your feelings, and ask if you could speak with your OB or doctor about what's going on, because I do suspect that it's a bit more than just making a serious life adjustment...it's a real condition that requires real treatment, and it has nothing to do with your character, your love for your child, etc. It's just one of those things, seriously, and it's OKAY. Like I said earlier, just keep chugging along. Things do get easier, and perhaps with a bit of extra help dealing with the hormonal changes, you can start to feel better about where things are standing currently.

 

[heatherr]

I am going to talk to my doctor about this. I am still nervous to admit this to someone in person, but I am tired of feeling this way. It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be.

I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do.

I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.

 

[heatherr]

There goes your summer vacation to take your baby girl!! You can do everything with her that you could otherwise! Look at it that way!

Camping? Yep
Swimming? Yep
Park? Yep
Movie? Yep (maybe during a nap but you could!)
Out to eat? Yep
Friends/Family? Yep (they better let you anyway!)

I really cant think of anything you couldnt do in some way, shape or form! You may have to adapt a bit but we all make it work!

Yeah, I know you're right. I just seem to think of any negative thing I can right now. I have a hard time thinking of anything positively.

 

[Eidson23]

Heatherr, being a teen mother increases your chances of having PND. Because your hormones in general are not completely matured enough, the rapid increase of hormones during pregnancy and the the almost instant decrease once you deliver can really do a number on your body. I know it's scary to talk to someone about your feelings, but they really do sound like classic PND. It can get worse if you don't seek some sort of help. I hate that you're feeling so awful, I hope in time things will get better. I'm not a professional, but I was also 17 when I became a mother and if you need to talk feel free to PM me.