Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

Thanks Turtle0630. My Mother's Day was nice. It felt very weird to me, sort of uncomfortable to be a mom this time.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately, everybody. I've been really busy. I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression and have been seeing a psychologist who specializes in post natal issues. She further diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety. She is 45 minutes away. I've already had a few panic attacks driving to her office. I never had panic attacks before and I was never nervous about driving. I am just fed up with this.

I am going to be on some meds for now to help me in combination with other treatment, but hopefully I won't have to take this stuff for long. I have not noticed a huge difference yet.
I've had to play catch up at school because for a few weeks I just couldn't focus or absorb anything.

But overall I feel really positive about it all. Now that I've actually told people and professionals are helping me I feel a huge weight lifted.

Gabriella turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe she's almost 3 months old. I have still been taking her on weekends. She likes her dad more than me. She obviously is more bonded to him. I'm sure she can tell how I feel. Even if we're with her at the same time she will turn to look at it all the time and pays no attention to me, unless she realizes I'm holding her and he's across the room where she can hear him talking and then she cries until I give her to him. When she is at my house and he's not around she does better with me, I guess because she somehow realizes he's not there so she has no choice. He feels very guilty or responsible for how I feel. But he's been the most understanding person so far and I think I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else.

I have more to put here, but I'm out of time for now.

 

[missk1989]

Thanks Turtle0630. My Mother's Day was nice. It felt very weird to me, sort of uncomfortable to be a mom this time.

I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately, everybody. I've been really busy. I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression and have been seeing a psychologist who specializes in post natal issues. She further diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety. She is 45 minutes away. I've already had a few panic attacks driving to her office. I never had panic attacks before and I was never nervous about driving. I am just fed up with this.

I am going to be on some meds for now to help me in combination with other treatment, but hopefully I won't have to take this stuff for long. I have not noticed a huge difference yet.
I've had to play catch up at school because for a few weeks I just couldn't focus or absorb anything.

But overall I feel really positive about it all. Now that I've actually told people and professionals are helping me I feel a huge weight lifted.

Gabriella turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe she's almost 3 months old. I have still been taking her on weekends. She likes her dad more than me. She obviously is more bonded to him. I'm sure she can tell how I feel. Even if we're with her at the same time she will turn to look at it all the time and pays no attention to me, unless she realizes I'm holding her and he's across the room where she can hear him talking and then she cries until I give her to him. When she is at my house and he's not around she does better with me, I guess because she somehow realizes he's not there so she has no choice. He feels very guilty or responsible for how I feel. But he's been the most understanding person so far and I think I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else.

I have more to put here, but I'm out of time for now.

Please dont feel you must apologise for not updating. Whilst it is nice to hear how you are getting on you have your life to get on with and i'm sure everyone understands that.

 

[chistiana]

I m so glad you re getting this sorted. Well done and I m sure you lol feel better real soon. It takes some time for medication to build up and have an effect so don't get discouraged.

 

[skyesmom]

thanks for the update Heatherr! It also takes a bit to find out what is the best medication combination for you, it's not like prescribing paracetamol for fever and it works for 99.99% of people.

glad to hear that you got some relief now and that people understand and support you.. especially glad that the FOB is very understanding and that you two can talk about everything. that's a huge treasure that not all the "official" or "standard" couples enjoy.

kudos to both of you for how you're doing all of this! i'm super proud of you!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings.
She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.

Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help.

Im glad youre getting help.

 

[heatherr]

She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings.
She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.

Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help.

Im glad youre getting help.

I know she can't understand it or think the thoughts I think she does, but I feel like she must be able to pick up on my mood and feelings.

I do spend one on one time with her. She stays with me at my house every weekend and he is not here during that time. Usually Fri & Saturday nights and then she goes back to his place on Sunday evening. I don't let me parents take care of her. Well, I let them take care of her to the extent that any grandparent would, but that's it.

Although, he has offered to keep her over the weekend if I don't feel like I can handle it. Both he and my dad treat me like I'm going to have a mental breakdown or something. I don't think I'm that bad! But I have continued to keep her on the weekends because I feel it's important. It's not like I hate being with her or taking care of her or anything like that.

This weekend the weather is supposed to be really nice, sunny and in the mid 70s. Fob's dad has a big sailboat, so we're going to the lake and taking her for her first boat ride on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

 

[alibaba24]

She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings.
She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.

Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help.

Im glad youre getting help.

I know she can't understand it or think the thoughts I think she does, but I feel like she must be able to pick up on my mood and feelings.

I do spend one on one time with her. She stays with me at my house every weekend and he is not here during that time. Usually Fri & Saturday nights and then she goes back to his place on Sunday evening. I don't let me parents take care of her. Well, I let them take care of her to the extent that any grandparent would, but that's it.

Although, he has offered to keep her over the weekend if I don't feel like I can handle it. Both he and my dad treat me like I'm going to have a mental breakdown or something. I don't think I'm that bad! But I have continued to keep her on the weekends because I feel it's important. It's not like I hate being with her or taking care of her or anything like that.

This weekend the weather is supposed to be really nice, sunny and in the mid 70s. Fob's dad has a big sailboat, so we're going to the lake and taking her for her first boat ride on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.

that sounds really positive Heather. Its so good to see an update. I am sure Gabriella will love being on the boat you must take photos of her first boat ride!Babies are funny little things. my daughter who loves my family went through a phase of not wanting to be held by anyone apart from me. she was around 10 months then I think. she is still funny now at 14 months! they just get used to people so even though my little one knew my family she still wanted to just be with the one person. they go through all sorts of changes preferences and what not. we as parents just have to roll with it lol! there is MANY threads on here from upset mothers who's child prefers there daddy even though the mother is doing all the care etc. Its the joys I hope you have a great weekend

 

[heatherr]

We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement.
It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed.

At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends.

It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.

 

[missk1989]

We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement.
It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed.

At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends.

It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.

Remember he is a bit older than you and he was never in doubt of his role in the same way. He didnt have to figure out what he wanted to do with all those crazy hormones in his body and watch his body change without being able to control it. Give yourself a chance.

 

[more babies]

Number one you're dealing with PPD and he is not. Also, it may be good for you to have her more often then not then you would get to be more comfortable with her but also still have that mental break on the weekends. It would give you more time to bond with her and get into your own routine with her. Also, she's getting older and she's right at that point where I think things get a little more fun. She will start hitting milestones and become so much more interactive. Even just something as simple as you being able to make her laugh can have huge effects. I've posted once on here but just to say it again I have 3 kids and was not a fan of the baby stage with any of them and least of all with the only one of them that was truly planned. But once you can really interact with them and like I said they start hitting milestone and doing more it really changes a lot. Not saying there still aren't hard days but it's SO much better then the infant stage. It feels like it starts to go by so much faster once they start hitting milestones especially once they're moving around. You can get into the excitement of it all watching them try to learn and master new things and it gets better and better as it goes along. Please don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing great and you are definitely not alone!!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Heather-
try having her for 1 week at a time and see how it goes. Dont commit to all summer...just take it 1 at a time. Maybe even an extra day on your weekend working up to the week.

You can do this!

 

[Peanutt]

We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement.
It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed.

At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends.

It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.

Heatherr,
I've read this entire thread and I have to say that I'm impressed by your maturity and how you've been handling the situation. No, things aren't ideal, but honestly that's how life goes. Rarely is it ever ideal. You make plans but you must be flexible and you've shown that you are.

It's understandable that you haven't bonded with your child yet. When your life settles down with school being out, I think you should take Gabby for the week like you're thinking and just be a mother. You don't have to feel like one. But feed her and care for her, spend time with her like a mother. I think you aren't comfortable with her because you haven't been able to get into a routine with her. Once you have a routine, I think you'll find you're much more comfortable and you'll find it will come more naturally to you.

As much as people love to do new things and explore, we take comfort in routines. With Gabby, it doesn't sound like you've had a chance to set one up with her. And that's something that just takes time.

You've had a lot on your plate for anyone to handle. But it is doable, even at your age. And again, I'm really impressed with you, young lady. You can do this.

 

[BabyCleo]

I think its a great idea to take her for a week and just see how it goes. I think you will feel more like her mum if you take her for mon-fri during the summer. Its probably what you need

Im glad you got support with the PND - and don't worry about FOB or your dad treating you like you are going to break down at any second, ive been treated like that before and people do snap out of it. Many are just confused as to how to handle it.

 

[heatherr]

I'm finally updating since it's been a few weeks. I had final exams and graduation and a bunch of things to do regarding that, so I haven't had a chance to post.

I am feeling so much better now that my medicine has had a chance to start working. I don't constantly feel like I'm being swallowed up by a black hoke anymore. I'm just sort of scared that it's fake happiness caused by the meds. I don't want to be in this stuff very long, but I'm scared I won't be able to maintain my emotions without it. But anyway, it is amazing how much better I feel now.

This is the first week the Gabriella will be staying with me M-F. I'm not really worried about it. A few weeks ago I was not really looking forward to this change, but I am looking forward to this summer.

Fob and I are in an actual relationship now. Well, this relationship is less than a week old, but we are trying it. His mom is already making comments on pics on Facebook saying things like, "This will be a great photo for your wedding announcements." ugh. We are going on vacation with his entire family next month, so we'll see how it goes once I have to meet everyone.

 

[Eidson23]

I'm so happy things are looking up for you! Becoming a parent shouldn't be this horrible experience and I feel like you're just now going to get the chance to enjoy it. You're doing great, and congrats on the new relationship!

 

[wookie130]

Hi, honey!!!

Glad to hear the meds have helped...happiness is happiness, and however you're attaining it is beside the point! I'm glad you're looking forward to time with baby G...you'll have your tough moments, definitely, but hopefully you can better bond w/her now, and she'll really begin to feel like your child. Give it time, and just take it day by day.

Hey, I think it's great you two are giving it a shot at a real relationship! I hope it works out for both of you!

 

[mara16jade]

That's such a great update! Congrats on graduation! Nor sure if I missed it, but did you mention where you're going for college?

 

[skyesmom]

awwwwwwwwww what a great update, i'm on cloud 9 now )))

firstly, congrats on your graduation and exams! you ROCK girl, seriously! you DID it all, the baby plus getting into college plus graduating high school PLUS getting a grip on your PPD! Chapeau!!

second, it is SO GOOD to hear you are doing better and that your meds are working! This is just the first step, as my own therapist said, some people need meds to kickstart the recovery process and get you just above that limit where you feel good enough to get a grip on your own emotions again. i am confident you will do great!

and well, as for you and FOB being in an actual relationship... that's a cherry on top!! so happy for all three of you!!! (and your MIL sounds awesome, if i may add!)

thanks for the update!

 

[Turtle0630]

All of this is wonderful news, so happy for you! Congrats on your graduation, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better and that the meds are helping, and that's great that you're looking forward to having her during the week for the summer!

I'm also really glad to hear that you and FOB are giving it a go, and I really hope it works out for the two of you! Hope you guys have a great vacation together, and good luck with meeting his whole family!

 

[ClairAye]

Love the update! I hope things keep going well for you!