Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[skyesmom]

I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else??

hon, i'm 33 and i lived away from my parents for the past 15 years (overseas for most of those), yet when i visit my mom, she still makes me breakfast and comes to wake me up in the morning, just like when i was a kid. she'll still buy me the same little mommy presents as when i was a teen or college student studying abroad: nice fresh socks and underwear and all those sorts of stuff. she even buys that now for my OH as well, as she says he's her son too!
it's not a fact of being immature or incapable of getting ourselves something, it's our ritual and our way to say we care. you're always gonna be their child, no matter how old you are and how old they are. adults are someone's children, too (i don't know how close your grandparents are, but check them and your parents out and you'll get what i mean!).

accepting their help and care is not a sign of being an immature child. it's not like you have to refuse having your parent's love and care now that you're a parent yourself, neither they have to lose their 17 year old teen daughter just because you have a daughter of your own.

i 100% agree with Topanga on the pressure of the perfect motherhood the western culture imposes (it's not the same everywhere around the world i assure you) - and as you said, in your case you feel it even more because you feel you need to "prove" you can be a mom.
the thing is - you've already proved that, every single day ever since finding out you were pregnant. being a perfect parent is impossible - simply because we're human - which doesn't mean that anything else means "horrible". Parenting is a JOB, the toughest job ever, and as every job it has its ups and downs and things you love and the things you hate.
the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them. and ultimately, it is the latter that counts, right?

i am so proud of you that you talked to your mom and that you're getting help. it will be better. you're already taking huge steps in that direction, even though to you they may seem tiny.

also, don't feel guilty if your OH offers to have Gabriella over the weekend sometimes. he's not alone on his own at his place, and if it helps you to recover a bit, it is the best for everybody. he may even feel guilty himself for putting you in this situation and all that.

 

[susannah14]

Another one here who has read the entire thread but not posted yet. Just didn't feel I had anything helpful to add until now.

You're doing the right thing by facing the situation, getting help and talking to your parents about it. But I also want you to know that what you're feeling is way more common than you think. When I had my first, I was 27, married for 5 years, and I COULD. NOT. BOND. with my son. For a good few months I felt like I was babysitting someone else's child. I didn't feel like a mother. I wasn't myself. My husband would come home from work and I would hand my son to him without a word and go upstairs. It was awful.

But it got slowly better. I don't think I had PND, just a mild case of post-baby blues and I never saw a doctor for it, but it got better on its own. As my son got older, it was easier to bond with him. He's now 2.5 and he's the most AMAZING little person and I'm completely totally utterly in love. I'm just saying that it's normal for the love to take time, it's normal to not feel like a mother the second your baby comes out, and it's normal to need help. Please don't feel guilty about it. You have come a LONG way since your first post, don't forget that. You should be so proud of yourself.

 

[Topanga053]

YES! I think this is SO true. I have felt this pressure and not just directly from people I know. That's just how it's portrayed everywhere - like you just give birth to this human and suddenly you just love every minute of it and if you don't then something is wrong with you. And I think I have especially felt an extra sense of pressure because of the entire situation, as if I had to prove I could be a good mother. There is this feeling that being a good mother = loving every single second of motherhood.

Oh absolutely. The media and Facebook are terrible about that. I admit, I was guilty of it too. We post these pictures of ourselves with our newborns and gush about how amazing it is, but we're not honest publicly about the hard parts. The PND, the lack of bonding, the late nights, the diapers, the fights with our significant others. And so like anything else, because we only show the happy parts publicly, we think that everyone around us is blissfully happy with their kids, so there must be something wrong with us if we're not happy all of the time. It's a lie, and it's a really damaging one. I think we're only hurting each other and future mothers by not being honest about what a difficult journey motherhood can be. The more we are ALL honest, the less we will think that we're alone or believe that if we're struggling, it must be because we are bad mothers.

Also as far as the anxiety I'm experiencing, I also think it is in part just due to feeling overwhelmed by this major change in my life. I feel like there is a pressure to suddenly become a fully formed adult because I'm now a parent. I went from being a 17 year old who never even had a job before to feeling like overnight I had to become a relatively self-sufficient adult and do everything for myself. I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else??

I think this makes PERFECT sense! Again, I was not not a teenage mother, but even with a stable marriage, a good income, and a planned pregnancy, I STILL struggled to adjust to the sudden change of having a baby. I can only imagine how it feels to try to do that when you are 17 years old. I think you need to give yourself a lot of credit for all that you've done so far and how mature you are for your age. You are young, but you are clearly already far more mature than a lot of people who are a lot older than you (trust me-- I know a lot of older parents who are not as mature or thoughtful as you are!). Give yourself credit for that. You do not have to do everything all at once. Do whatever you can, when you can, and forgive yourself the rest.

 

[Topanga053]

the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them.

I think this is SO true!! If I were asked about my own mother, I would say that she is the best mother ever. She is warm, loving, a great listener, always played with me, taught me a lot, gave me great advice, and was just generally my best friend for most of my life. I couldn't possibly imagine a better mom than her.

After I had LO, I was talking to my mom about my struggles and feeling like I was not a good enough mom (specifically, that I could never be as good of a mom as she was to me) and she opened up to me about her own experiences as my mother. She told me that when she was pregnant with me she was scared because her mom was so distant that she didn't think she "knew" how to be a good mother. She didn't think she was capable of being a good mother because she never had what she considered as a strong role model.

But seriously, she is the BEST mother ever!!! So really, I think we doubt ourselves and worry that we're not able to be "good enough" mothers, but most of us turn out to be exactly the mothers that our children need.

 

[skyesmom]

Oh absolutely. The media and Facebook are terrible about that. I admit, I was guilty of it too. We post these pictures of ourselves with our newborns and gush about how amazing it is, but we're not honest publicly about the hard parts. The PND, the lack of bonding, the late nights, the diapers, the fights with our significant others. And so like anything else, because we only show the happy parts publicly, we think that everyone around us is blissfully happy with their kids, so there must be something wrong with us if we're not happy all of the time. It's a lie, and it's a really damaging one. I think we're only hurting each other and future mothers by not being honest about what a difficult journey motherhood can be. The more we are ALL honest, the less we will think that we're alone or believe that if we're struggling, it must be because we are bad mothers.

so so true, especially in the western culture. southern / southeastern Europe is a tad more honest and direct about this, i guess they don't censor themselves as much on the hard things.

...and how your kids view you, well.. check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLRs29PmOmg

 

[susannah14]

the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them.

I think this is SO true!! If I were asked about my own mother, I would say that she is the best mother ever. She is warm, loving, a great listener, always played with me, taught me a lot, gave me great advice, and was just generally my best friend for most of my life. I couldn't possibly imagine a better mom than her.

After I had LO, I was talking to my mom about my struggles and feeling like I was not a good enough mom (specifically, that I could never be as good of a mom as she was to me) and she opened up to me about her own experiences as my mother. She told me that when she was pregnant with me she was scared because her mom was so distant that she didn't think she "knew" how to be a good mother. She didn't think she was capable of being a good mother because she never had what she considered as a strong role model.

But seriously, she is the BEST mother ever!!! So really, I think we doubt ourselves and worry that we're not able to be "good enough" mothers, but most of us turn out to be exactly the mothers that our children need.

This is really sweet

When I was pregnant with my first, my mom was reminiscing over the birth of her first child (my brother), and she said to me, "You won't BELIEVE how much you will love that child." So when I didn't feel that gigantic rush of love, I felt terrible. I wish I'd known that it was normal for love to take time too. For her it was right away, for me it wasn't. I hadn't heard any stories of mothers who had difficulties bonding. I just thought, what kind of mother doesn't want to hold her own kid? Now I know better. And I think it's important to talk about.

 

[heatherr]

Well at least now I realize I'm not such a freak for feeling the way I have been. I still feel bad about it, but it's nice to hear others admit things too, so thanks. I read through everyone's replies, but I'm about to run out to watch my sister's volleyball game and don't have time to individually quote everything.

My mom just called me from work to tell me she talked to my doctor and they can get me in next Monday, so I'll let everyone know how it goes. I'm just going to try to not dwell on all of it until then.

 

[Feronia]

I'm so glad you're going in next Monday. A lot of people have said some wonderful things already, but I'll reiterate: you are SO not a freak for feeling the way you do. There is definite pressure to feel like the perfect mother and to love your baby 100% from the start and love motherhood at all times. That's just not how it is in reality, even when the baby was planned and very much wanted.

When I was pregnant with my first, a friend at work admitted to me that she didn't love her son for the first 3 months. That made me feel a lot less pressure as a first time mother to do everything and feel everything perfectly. After my second, I experienced some awful post-partum anxiety for a little bit, and I'm not an anxious person at all! These hormones are crazy, it's not your fault in the least. I'm so glad you aren't blaming yourself and that you're seeking some help!

 

[heatherr]

I met with my doctor yesterday and they did a physical exam and took some blood work to see if my thyroid could be playing any roll in how I'm feeling. They said that sometimes thyroid problems can first come about during pregnancy or after childbirth. They don't think that's the main thing going on, but they just want to make sure there is nothing wrong there. It'll be a few days before we get the results back.

I scored pretty high on the postpartum depression questionnaire they did with me. they HIGHLY recommend that I do counseling, for a minimum of at least 6 months. My doctor really wants to prescribe anti-depressants, but we're going to wait for me to meet with a mental health professional first and see what the best course of treatment would be.

I feel like my mom doesn't believe any of this. I don't know if she really thinks I'm making it up, but she's acting as if everyone is just blowing things out of proportion and there is really nothing wrong with me.

 

[Eidson23]

I'm happy you're seeking treatment! My mother has ALWAYS been like that. She thinks mental health disorders are just an excuse and people who suffer from them are just weak. But when she saw how badly I was suffering from anxiety in high school it opened her eyes a lot. Sometimes it's hard for parents to think that there could be something seriously wrong with their children. Not to mention I remember you saying you have a good life and loving parents and private school, so it may be hard for her to see you have all these things so why would you be unhappy? Unfortunately, when chemicals start getting imbalanced in your brain you could have everything in the world and still be depressed. I hope things start looking up for you!

 

[Desi's_lost]

There are times..most times.. That I can't walk down the street alone when there aren't other people out because I'm afraid something to the tune of a zombie apocalypse will start. I can't stay in my own basement for more than about five minutes without being certain a monster will jump out and kill me so I go about my laundry for as long as I can and hope that I can finish my business before the anxiety takes over and I flee in terror. It sounds stupid. Even I know it's stupid but those feelings are REAL for me and they make life very difficult. My mother thinks I'm just an immature kid. Even my OH has limited patience because they just don't get it. Don't let your mom sway you from getting help. I've wasted most of my life struggling with everyday tasks because everyone around me told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and I'm just now getting help and I regret it very much.

 

[skyesmom]

i think it's hard for a parent to grasp that their child can have a mental illness/ disorder. i mean, just writing or saying it sounds like something horrible and incurable and to be ashamed of, unfortunately there is this stigma on depression that is still present in our society. we're all supposed to feel instantly happy, with big (fake) smiles on our faces no matter what.

but if the brain chemistry is OFF because hello, you just had a baby at 17, and you're a cocktail of hormones even without the additional pressure of your age and all that you feel you have to prove, it is NOT your fault and it is something very very REAL.

but because it's invisible (except for your behavior and how you feel), people struggle to acknowledge it and accept it. i think there's more empathy to someone with a broken leg or arm than to someone with depression.

my mom struggled with accepting mine and i think she never really grasped it, this is one thing i actually don't mention to her anymore as she can't deal with it and ends up saying stupid stuff without really meaning it (and then apologizing later).
i think she can't really deal with the fact that her baby might be "off the hook" in some way, let alone suicidal (i think admitting such thing to a parent is just one of those things that are too much for them to handle, at least at the beginning).

give her time. she'll have to come to terms with it. try not to take it against her (easier said than done!). she agreed to taking you to see a therapist as your doctor recommended, right?

EDIT: and once more, thanks for sharing your story with us

 

[heatherr]

I think all of you areright - it's just hard for parents to admit that something could be wrong with their child and there is definitely stigma against mental issues.

If I was making this up for some reason, I think I would have been telling tons of people just to get attention or sympathy. In fact, I think one reason she's having a hard time accepting that this could really be happening to me is because I have been keeping it secret from everyone. I had mentioned feeling sad and having a hard time bonding with my daughter/feeling like she was somebody else's child I was just babysitting. But my mom said that was probably normal to start with, especially given the circumstances of the situation. I mean, I believed that too for a while. It was never anything I went into a lot of detail about because I was ashamed of how I felt. It's one reason I wasn't updating on here because I didn't have the energy to write a bunch of lies and pretend like I was loving being a mom, but I didn't want to tell the truth either. So, I guess when I think about it, this is pretty new information to my mom.

She is also mad because she wants me to be closer to her and share things with her, but I keep a lot of stuff really private. I think she is still mad that I never told her I was even having sex. I feel like I am close to my family, but I have a hard time speaking about some things with them. I feel like they expect me to be a certain way and I really want to please them, so it's why I never told her I was having sex or that I felt this bad, etc. Whether she realizes it or not, my mom is very image-conscious. Sometimes I have a hard time talking to her about problems because I'm worried she's more concerned about how it makes me and us look to outside people. I think she feels like anything that is wrong with me is seen as a reflection of her or her parenting.

 

[skyesmom]

i could have written what you've just written about me and my mom when i was your age. she was also getting mad and was disappointed if i didn't share my stuff with her, but when i did she made scenes and couldn't accept what i was telling her (having sex was one of those - i was 18 and a half so not crazy stuff like being 12 and dating a 30 year old). then i stopped talking to her out of that reason and got pretty distant for some years (not like, not talking at all but no intimate talks), and then somehow when i was 24 we started stitching our relationship up and we eventually healed it completely (except for that depression topic and ehm... sex details, i think we can pretty much talk about anything).

but it was TOUGH. the toughest part was for her to accept that she couldn't be a mom AND a best friend, as much as she wanted to, because she couldn't stop herself from judging and making drama if it wasn't how SHE has imagined me to be or things to be. But she eventually accepted that i was a person of my own and that i had my own choices and she even admitted that she tried to "correct" her mistakes through me. that alone changed A LOT. she also changed a lot as a person, became way less judgmental and perfectionist OC freak. i'm actually very proud of her for that! not everyone can change their ways, in their 20s let alone in their 50s!

maybe try telling her that you'd tell her more if she judged you less.

 

[redneckhippy]

I want to second what everyone is saying about how normal PND is. My son could not have been more planned or wanted. We went through IVF twice to get him. But I still got really depressed and anxious after he was born. I remember just holding him staring of blankly into space and times at night when he was screaming in his crib and I was just standing there next to the crib sobbing, knowing I needed to feed him, but just not able to do it quite yet. It was really hard. Several friends from my birth class had their babies around the same time so everyone was posting all the happy baby pictures on FB and I felt like I was the only one feeling that way, but the truth was I was posting the same pictures. Recently I went on a walk with a few of the girls and as we were talking it turns out they also delt with depression. FB just makes us think that everyone else is perfect. Now things are a lot better. But it's important to get help because if you don't it will just get worse and worse.

 

[BabyCleo]

Hey! - Popping back in

I developed a thyroid issue during pregnancy, at 7 weeks they caught it. I had severe anxiety before then. I also had to see a mental health therapist, she deals with pregnancy related women and depression. she has been wonderful! Im on a close watch for PND as I ready have those issues. I would invite your mum to sit in on one of your sessions. It may help her bond more with you, and get to hear a professional confirm that you aren't making this up.

 

[Kristalebear1]

I've followed your thread for sometime but just now posting. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, I honestly believe it stems from being bullied so severely in school growing up that now I'm afraid of doing things and getting ridiculed. The feelings I feel are very real, walking down the street by myself for instance I think everyone is judging me "she's fat, she shouldn't wear that, what's wrong with her" even though I know hardly anyone cares.. I have been called fat by a car passing once its funny though because I WAS walking, and it hurt at first it stung but I let it go. I still feel people judge me, I'm afraid to play sports (P.E used to terrify me when I was I school and id constantly forge notes to get out of it) I'm afraid because I think people will make fun of me. I have a hard time working and holding down jobs because everyday going to work is like talking myself into getting up, and talking myself out of a panic attack. It is so hard to never feel good enough, never feel confidant I am doing my job right, etc. I am actually glad I was on a no work order from my OB and after the babies here i will be a sahm.. But I have dreams. I want to graduate college, I want to work in a field where I can help people who feel the way I do, better yet help children who felt the way I did growing up. I had extremely hard times making friends as I was teased, and very shy, because of that to this day my social life suffers. I sometimes have panic attacks walking my dog. Luckily I have an amazing OH who understands, my mom is getting there I think she feels she's to blame for it and she's not.

I am just now getting help, and will have a full work up done after I have the baby. I know my anxiety issues, panic attacks, and paranoia may seem imaginary to so.e but they are very very real for me. I also have suffered with bouts of depression caused by my anxiety, my inability to hold a proper social life, hold a job longer than a few months, my inability to cope in new situations, I can't even order pizza in the phone as I can't breathe when talking to a stranger.

It is a very gold thing you are getting the help you need, its not your fault you feel this way, you have no control over it, and with time and proper treatment it will work out. I hope your mom comes around to being more supportive. My issues may not be caused by PND but just like PND its not something chosen, its something that exists and effects everyone who has it differently.

 

[MommaAlexis]

Something that Ive found very important - anyone elses opinion on your mental health won't change your mental health. If you feel something is wrong, its because something is wrong. So, maybe be sensitive to what she gets told but dont lessen your help for her benefit. My mother and I can't talk about my mental health at all. She blames me and says I never tried to get better when I was younger, she doesnt really get that THATS what was wrong. I couldn't get help. lol.

 

[wookie130]

Perhaps the mental health professional could speak with your mother once you see her/him...PND is completely common, and even more so in your particular age group. Perhaps in her generation, it was referred to as "the baby blues" or some other thing, but it's real, and it's triggered by hormones and actual chemical imbalances in the brain. I hope the psych does get to speak with your mom, and tries to let her know that this is a treatable, real condition, and that getting help does HELP.

 

[Turtle0630]

Hope you had a nice mother's day, Heather!