Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

Yeah, I know it must be sort of weird for him since technically I get all the say about what happens. I'd like to know what he really would like to do though, if it was up to him. I guess we have a lot of time to talk about it.

 

[nic18]

I hope you continue to keep coming on here I'd love to know how things work out

 

[LittleLala]

I agree- I hope you continue to share your story with us. I am amazed at how mature you are for your age. I meet plenty of 17yr olds who would not be anywhere near as brave as you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that I am on here trying to conceive a child, but I believe that the bnb community are not judgemental... I would have supported you if you felt the need to terminate earlier, and I will support you if you choose to either adopt out, or keep the baby.

Whatever decision you make, do not let anybody make you feel bad for doing so. This is your life, your decision. You will make the right decision for you and your child.

Good luck, sending hugs from Australia.

 

[SurpriseBub]

Hi Heather,

I just stumbled across this thread, and was really touched by you sharing this experience with us! first of all congratulations!! No matter the circumstances, it is a really amazing thing. I am 21 weeks and absolutely overawed every time I feel my baby move. Like your mom said, everyone is scared... I sure am! It is a big thing in anybody's life no matter when and how it happens. It sounds like you are doing really well getting your head around a really big moment in your life and a complicated situation to boot.

I just wanted to wish you luck with everything! Did you ever watch 16 and Pregnant? I am a sucker for those types of shows... And if you are really considering adoption, you could look up Catelynn's episode from season one. She gave her daughter up for adoption, and the whole episode is incredibly touching. I think it captures the emotional hardship of making that choice, as well as how and why they made that decision for their child. I think you are very brave and making a selfless decision to at least consider adoption. I hope that your pregnancy runs smoothly, and you are able to make the best decision for you either way. As many people have said, don't let anyone force you to do anything- this is absolutely your decision. Wishing you lots if luck!

 

[missk1989]

Hi Heather,
I have been following your post with interest over the past few weeks. You have been so brave through all this.
Did the father meet your parents?

 

[heatherr]

I agree- I hope you continue to share your story with us. I am amazed at how mature you are for your age. I meet plenty of 17yr olds who would not be anywhere near as brave as you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that I am on here trying to conceive a child, but I believe that the bnb community are not judgemental... I would have supported you if you felt the need to terminate earlier, and I will support you if you choose to either adopt out, or keep the baby.

Whatever decision you make, do not let anybody make you feel bad for doing so. This is your life, your decision. You will make the right decision for you and your child.

Good luck, sending hugs from Australia.

Thanks, this means so much. I sometimes feel sort of weird because I feel like most people here are happy and excited to be pregnant. But it's nice to know that people in other situations still understand how I'm feeling and support me no matter what decision I make. I have really felt so much better about everything since I started posting here. I guess I just needed to talk about it with nonjudgmental people who could look at it from an outside view before I could actually get the courage to tell anyone in my life. I'd probably still be keeping it a secret if I hadn't been able to talk about everything here first.

Hi Heather,

I just stumbled across this thread, and was really touched by you sharing this experience with us! first of all congratulations!! No matter the circumstances, it is a really amazing thing. I am 21 weeks and absolutely overawed every time I feel my baby move. Like your mom said, everyone is scared... I sure am! It is a big thing in anybody's life no matter when and how it happens. It sounds like you are doing really well getting your head around a really big moment in your life and a complicated situation to boot.

I just wanted to wish you luck with everything! Did you ever watch 16 and Pregnant? I am a sucker for those types of shows... And if you are really considering adoption, you could look up Catelynn's episode from season one. She gave her daughter up for adoption, and the whole episode is incredibly touching. I think it captures the emotional hardship of making that choice, as well as how and why they made that decision for their child. I think you are very brave and making a selfless decision to at least consider adoption. I hope that your pregnancy runs smoothly, and you are able to make the best decision for you either way. As many people have said, don't let anyone force you to do anything- this is absolutely your decision. Wishing you lots if luck!

Yeah I have watched it before and I remember her story. Most of the girls on there are so trashy, so I can't even stand to watch it anymore haha.
At this point, I feel like considering adoption is mainly for selfish reasons right now. I don't think adoption is selfish, but I'm thinking of it in a selfish way. I mean, I would like my child to have 2 parents who are a little older and together and able to support a baby without help like I'll need, but I also just sort of want to be free to live my life without a baby. When I think of having a baby to take care of I don't feel any sort of positive feelings really.

Hi Heather,
I have been following your post with interest over the past few weeks. You have been so brave through all this.
Did the father meet your parents?

Yes. It was supposed to happen yesterday, but we did it today instead. He came over to our house for dinner. He was obviously uncomfortable and so were my parents. I was probably the most uncomfortable though. I felt sick the entire time. My parents sort of grilled him, but he expected that.He did really well. He's a really great guy. I feel even worse for lying to him, but I tried to explain to him that I just did it because I liked him a lot and figured he wouldn't really want anything to do with me if he found out I was 17, and he said yeah he would not have slept with me if he knew that. He acted totally different around me than he used to. Oh well.
My parents told him what they already told me, about how they'll support me if I keep the baby but that we'll have to figure out how it'd work with him. He said if I keep the baby he will help take care of the baby and support it financially.

 

[Eidson23]

It's really hard to have positive feelings about being pregnant at 17. The positive feelings usually come much later. I just hope you don't think you'll ever regret keeping your baby. You're a very mature woman for your age (I was the same age when I was pregnant with my son, and had all the same feelings you do now), and I can't think of one regret I have keeping my son. I know you're probably afraid of change, but everyone is. I'm confident that you'd be a better mother than any of those trashy 16 year old girls on that show. You have the support from your parents, and even if you don't end up with him in the end, the father. I know it's hard to imagine yourself being a mother, but those selfish feelings do go away, it just takes time.

Of course, whatever you decide you have support here. I just hope you never feel like you'll be a failure if you decide to be a mom. Missing out on college parties and binge drinking and late nights really doesn't even compare if you ask me. I never felt like I missed anything having my son. Not that you can't go to college btw...because I am currently in college and working and Air Force reserves

 

[skyesmom]

thanks for the update heatherr and congrats for the meet the parents dinner, i am happy to hear it went well although it must have been very hard for you.

and regarding the feelings for your baby, don't force yourself to feel anything you are "supposed" to feel just because it is "normal" to be excited about being pregnant and having a baby. it is normal to SAY that all the time. but i assure you, i think virtually every pregnant woman has freaked out at the thought of taking care of the baby and how it would affect her life.

you have plenty of time to make up your mind regarding adoption. and in the meantime just keep taking care of yourself and your baby so amazingly as you did so far.

(and the baby daddy might have been weird now, but his attitude towards you may change as well and go back to how it was when you were together when the things settle a bit. i don't know if that is what you want, but it could easily happen, once these big, initial steps are done).

 

[SurpriseBub]

True enough- there are some terrible trashy episodes of 16 and Pregnant. I just felt like that one was very touching

40 weeks is a long time, so you will have plenty of time to weigh up your decision. Wishing you lots of luck as things go on!

It sounds like your meeting went well. It must have felt strange for all of you! I'm sorry the guy is acting differently... I am sure he is largely in shock! It took my oh a while to wrap his head around the fact that I was pregnant. I think we are forced to face that reality a lot more quickly because we feel the physical changes. I don't think he could quite fathom it before he saw a scan and my tummy started to obviously expand.

I am glad you have found bnb helpful and I hope you keep sharing your story with us

 

[MiniKiwi]

You sound like an incredibly brave and mature woman. I know an unexpected pregnancy is terrifying, these first weeks are the hardest time, full of fear and uncertainty but I promise you things get easier

I don't think it's been said enough, the father of your baby sounds great. I think a lot of young men might run a mile, not want to arrange to meet your parents and let you all know that he's prepared to take on this responsibility with you. He sounds lovely - do you think there's a chance you two could have a relationship? It's probably all a bit much to think about at the moment so it's understandable if you haven't given it any thought.

Your parents sound wonderfully supportive as well, I hope you let them know how much that means to you. I bet the dinner was awkward but the next meetings will be less and less so, you did well getting through that.

You also obviously have a lot of support here on bnb. I would keep talking to your mother about your options and the pregnancy and keep it out in the open, the awkwardness of the situation will ease. You'll come to the right decision for yourself and your baby

 

[Turtle0630]

Heather, I've been stalking this thread too and wanted to let you know you have another supporter in me. I think all of these other lovely ladies have said all of my thoughts perfectly...you seem very mature, and the father sounds great. I'm so glad your parents are being so supportive now as well!

I also echo the thoughts that it's your decision what to do, and there is NO wrong decision in this. I do think the father has a say in it some as well, as it's also his child. I also believe even if you give the baby up for adoption there's a waiting period after the birth but before the adoption becomes official, in case either you or the father change your mind and try to contest it. So if you make that decision and don't have his support there could potentially be problems down the road but it sounds like he's a wonderful guy who is willing to support you regardless of what decision you make.

My cousin's daughter just gave up her little boy for adoption back in June and she couldn't be happier with her decision. She has a VERY open adoption with his parents and I think that's made the whole thing a lot easier on her. It's a very selfless act and one that I honestly don't think I would have ever been able to do.

On the other hand, I know lots of people who had children unexpectedly at a younger age and decided to keep them, and never regretted it for a second. So there really is no right or wrong answer, only what you decide is best for YOU.

Good luck in making your decision. You still have plenty of time, so don't rush yourself. And I agree with your mom and everyone else on here that it's scary regardless of your age, relationship status, financial situation, etc. I'm 33 and married and DH and I both have stable jobs. We're trying for our first now and even though I want it so badly, every month as I approach that testing time I start to freak out and get scared thinking it might actually be the month it happens, and what in the heck am I going to do if it is?! Then of course I'm always sad and let down when it's not. So I think it's normal to be scared and to wonder how you will handle it, regardless of your situation.

 

[heatherr]

You sound like an incredibly brave and mature woman. I know an unexpected pregnancy is terrifying, these first weeks are the hardest time, full of fear and uncertainty but I promise you things get easier

I don't think it's been said enough, the father of your baby sounds great. I think a lot of young men might run a mile, not want to arrange to meet your parents and let you all know that he's prepared to take on this responsibility with you. He sounds lovely - do you think there's a chance you two could have a relationship? It's probably all a bit much to think about at the moment so it's understandable if you haven't given it any thought.

Your parents sound wonderfully supportive as well, I hope you let them know how much that means to you. I bet the dinner was awkward but the next meetings will be less and less so, you did well getting through that.

You also obviously have a lot of support here on bnb. I would keep talking to your mother about your options and the pregnancy and keep it out in the open, the awkwardness of the situation will ease. You'll come to the right decision for yourself and your baby

Thank you!

Yeah, he is really great. He is nice and smart and we get along really well and have a lot in common. I told him I didn't lie about anything other than my age and being in college instead of high school. Everything else about me was true, everything that he actually liked about me. I don't know if he'll want to be with me. I don't think he does right now, but like he told me, this is all a lot to take in all of a sudden after not even talking to me since the end of August.
I didn't expect him to act so good about the pregnancy. He sort of freaked out for the first few days after I told him, but he has been more together about it than I have since then, at least when he talks to me. I asked him how he felt and he did admit he doesn't really know what's best. It's not like he really wants to have a kid right now and not in this situation either, but he said it is what it is and we just have to figure out how we're going to deal with it. Doesn't mean adoption is the right thing to do just because neither of us really planned or wanted a kid right now, but also doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do either. He told me he really just needs time to think about things. I sort of forget that he's only known for 2 weeks, if that, and I've known for over a month now. He told me he's also worried because he feels like a lot of responsibility will fall on him. I have my family who are willing to help me, but he's an adult and has to figure out how he's going to support a kid when he wasn't really planning on having one any time soon. Not that his family wouldn't help out. He said he did tell a few of his friends about everything and that I don't want to hear what their advice was. He hasn't told his family yet as far as I know, but it's not like I talk to him every day.

 

[skyesmom]

wow! he REALLY is amazing and mature!!

especially when reading his thoughts on adoption and those last few lines about what his friends said when he looked for some support from them.. he's really great for protecting you, your baby and himself from all that crap, while also kind of being left alone with no support in it (i don't think his friends can empathize really, from what you say... men are kinda "trained" to act tough so they'll often say inconsiderate things without realizing what they are really saying).

and you two sound so sweet together, despite the entire chaos and the difficulty of the situation. i think your baby is really lucky to have both of you as parents

and the pressure he feels may lift off a bit when he tells his parents - they will support him i am sure - it is true that he's an adult but you know... even adults don't need to do it ALONE, there's a big difference between being grown up and being on your own. and to his parents, he'll always be their son who needs support for their grand child... so i am sure it will all fall into its place. it is just so very fresh for you guys now.

i really really wish all the best for you three heatherr! that little one is blessed to be in your hands, no matter what you decide to do in the end

 

[vermeil]

*gentle hug* what a tough situation! Glad to hear he is handling it better now. Also glad to hear you are considering adoption, you can watch your little one grow up worry free and it's the gift of a lifetime for a loving couple .

Good luck! Thinking of you.

 

[KFrey]

Hi Heather,
How is everything going?

 

[MiniKiwi]

Hope you're doing ok

 

[chistiana]

Wow what a roller coaster. I read this thread from page one and I am amazed about how mature you n fob is. Congratulation on your pg no matter what your decision will be. As long as it's something truly thought of n in your heart it's the right decision for you. Hope you re well.

 

[heatherr]

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now. I seem to be getting more and more tired. I feel so weak a lot of the time. I come home from school and nap almost every day. My mom is worried I'm not eating enough so she's always forcing me to eat. She's worried I might have anemia. I don't know. I have another doctor's appointment next week.

I do have a noticeable bump now, but I'm still able to hide it. I'm normally pretty thin though, so I'm always worried somebody can tell a difference. Plus, my boobs are usually small and have already gone up a whole cup size! I think if anything else people have noticed that, but I doubt they're thinking I'm pregnant. I don't really want people at school to know right now. I have told a few of my friends.

My parents said after the next doctors appointment we're going to have to tell the principal and nurse at school, in case something happens when I'm there. Plus, we will have to figure out what will happen once I have the baby, which will still be during the school year.

 

[wookie130]

Heather, since you're right at the beginning of the second trimester, it's normal to still feel that fatigue all the time. In the next few weeks, you may begin to feel really great and energized, and once you hit the third trimester...well...for a lot of ladies that's the really physically tough stage of pregnancy. It always was for me, anyway, but everyone is different. You're due in April, right?

Your mom sounds very responsible and concerned about what's best for you and the baby. Are you taking prenatal vitamins? Most contain enough iron that you won't become anemic...but maybe a quick blood test wouldn't hurt.

Keep at it. You're doing great, and all will fall into place.

 

[heatherr]

I'm due April 10 as of now, but we'll know better after the ultrasound. Can't believe that's in just a little over a month. I want to find out the gender.

My mom had bad anemia during all of her pregnancies, despite taking prenatal vitamins, so I think that's why she's worried about it for me. I have been taking prenatal vitamins for about 2 weeks now.