Single mommy by choice

[jenniferttc1]

I have read this thread. Did I go and dig for dirt from older post from this user? No, thats just not what I do.
Sure opinions are great, from all sides but its really just all going in a circle, and its like beating a dead horse.
My personal opinion is I would not go out and have a baby by myself. I'm married and have a supportive husband and still scared shitless even though I tried for a long time to get pregnant. But doesn't sound like thats the idea she has in mind for life. On somethings you just need to let people learn for themselves.

 

[catielove]

While I can't understand at all where you're coming from (I would never CHOOSE to be a single parent this early in life) I do wish you luck. Mostly in raising your eventual child, because it will be very difficult.

I really hope that you have the financial aspects figured out, have a good job with decent pay that will last you for a long while, and will be able to fully support this child on your own with no government assistance.

I don't know why anyone would make this choice so soon, whether you want to be a mom right now or not. (I wanted to be a mom at 16, but here I am 22 and still childless!)

 

[rory83coyotes]

I was a single mother for 6 years. I didn't intentionally try to get pregnant but I had a baby nonetheless. I don't think that the circumstances are a whole lot different. I didn't have a way to support my child. I had to work to go to school. it was difficult for a long time. My child knows his dad "the sperm donor" and still has nothing to do with him. He is currently going to sign away his rights so he doesn't have to pay child support. In the mean time he is currently having a 7th baby. I would not choose to get pregnant but it is really harse to judge someone that you have not met in person. You see a very brief glimpse of someone, not who they truely are. Just because the rest of us are in relationships does not mean that we can automatically tell her that this is a crazy decision. Lots of people on this site are not married. Would you like anyone to tell you that you are stupid for trying or immature. Shouldn't all of you get married first. Anyones situtation can be picked apart if you try hard enough. Isn't this site to support each other in the trying to conceive process.
My dad was around for my childhood and was a complete ass. he verbally abused everyone in the family for years. Just cause he was there does not make it a great experience. He never once changed a diaper or feed a baby. My mother was married but was essentially a single mom. Just because you or I (and no I would not make this choice) do not think its a great idea you have to throw stones. and yes some of you are very rude. I think she has some things to consider but goodness people.

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

This really isn't true. I'm a fatherless child who has never even seen a drug before! I've got a degree. I certainly don't have behaviour problems. I didn't get married until I was 26 and am now 28 ttc. And do not plan on divorce.
My dad died so it wasn't my mums fault that I grew up without a dad.

 

[bdawn8403]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

This really isn't true. I'm a fatherless child who has never even seen a drug before! I've got a degree. I certainly don't have behaviour problems. I didn't get married until I was 26 and am now 28 ttc. And do not plan on divorce.
My dad died so it wasn't my mums fault that I grew up without a dad.

Just because a few here and there don't fit this mold doesn't make this untrue. Its statistics. These are odds not that you will but odds are greater that you will.

 

[ashleyann]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

This really isn't true. I'm a fatherless child who has never even seen a drug before! I've got a degree. I certainly don't have behaviour problems. I didn't get married until I was 26 and am now 28 ttc. And do not plan on divorce.
My dad died so it wasn't my mums fault that I grew up without a dad.

Unfortunately it is true. It's from the Department of Human Services. Obviously not every fatherless child is on drugs or has dropped out of school but that's not what this says. There are always exceptions and I'm sure many cases where the child is far better off w/o the dad.

 

[Leese]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

This really isn't true. I'm a fatherless child who has never even seen a drug before! I've got a degree. I certainly don't have behaviour problems. I didn't get married until I was 26 and am now 28 ttc. And do not plan on divorce.
My dad died so it wasn't my mums fault that I grew up without a dad.

Unfortunately it is true. It's from the Department of Human Services. Obviously not every fatherless child is on drugs or has dropped out of school but that's not what this says. There are always exceptions and I'm sure many cases where the child is far better off w/o the dad.

I'm only going to chip in here because i feel i have the experience (in the fatherless stakes) to do so.

I didnt have my dad in my life at all, i also was brought up in a pretty rough area where drugs and alcohol where everywhere and easily accessable, basically i grew up surrounded by drug issues etc...

My mother was also 16 when she conceived me.

The odds can be beaten.

I myself am a 30 yr old woman, i'm an accountant, bought my own house when i was 21, drive a nice car, i have all kinds of insurances and protection things in place to protect my income, my home etc, i'm fairly sensible, my boyfriend is amazing (despite being 10 years younger than me) and i'm very proud to say i've never touched drugs in my life, apart from smoking ciggaretes and having the odd glass of Rose wine! lol.

What i will say though is that although my dad wasnt there i really went through a horrible time as a child wondering and questioning my mother about why my dad wasnt around etc.

It's not easy and anyone who grew up without a daddy will know exactely what i mean.

xx

 

[PrettyUnable]

I've been reading this thread from the beginning and I can't not comment any more, so I apologise for the rant now...

What started as a discussion with people trying to understand the point of view of the OP, has turned into a bitch fest.

It actually makes me feel sick to read what some have you "mature adults" have been posting. And you don't think you've been rude? Then may I suggest you read over your posts again in this thread and see if you honestly think you haven't been rude at all.

Everyone can choose their own path in life, and no one else is in a position to judge unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.

This forum is for support and advice but there are a few of you on this thread who are just being all high and mighty and anyone who doesn't do things the way you like, or say something you don't agree with, then they're immediately wrong? I don't think so. This isn't a topic of right or wrong.

And statistics don't mean squat individually - they don't dictate anyone's future. And where are the statistics for children whose parents stay together? Married and unmarried? Because it's BS if they're are only bad statistics for single parent families.

Being a single mother isn't the hardest thing in the world, and yes some people do actually choose it! It's being a parent that isn't the easy part and there are couples (married and OMG...unmarried - heaven forbid! ) where the mother or the father does everything and they may as well be a single parent family for all the supposed support and benefit they give to the other parent or child. Having both parents doesn't make everything perfect and ideal.

And I actually find it very offensive that people have suggested that single mothers are only so because the father chose to leave - that it wasn't the mothers choice. I raised my daughter as a single parent from 7months until 8years old because her father didn't support us, help or have any interest in our daughter. I CHOSE to leave - quick, lock me up, I must be I chose not to have a man!!!
He now only see's her when he can be bothered maybe once every 2 months, and didn't have her until she was 5, out of his choice, and he lives 5 minutes away. He isn't her father or her dad. He is just the person who fathered my child. I have been and will probably always be both roles in my daughters life. I don't bad mouth him and I never stop him from seeing her, in fact over the years I've bent over backwards to keep the relationship open. Does he deserve that or her - no, not at all. But I've only done it for my daughter and will continue to do so for however long she wants a relationship with him.
So from what people have posted, my daughter is likely to be married or pregnant in her teenage years or into drugs or trouble? Because I chose not to stay with a prat who doesn't realise what he's missing out on with our daughter's life? I actually like to think that I'm raising her with a sensible head, to not want a life of drugs or get into trouble. And if she meets "the one" at a young age or has a baby - well she is my baby and I will support her because that's what a mother does. I won't cry into my pillow at night that because I didn't stay with her father I paved her future for her, statistically. It's the way you raise your children that has an impact, not if you are married, unmarried, young, old, working or not.

I raised my daughter in a similar situation to the OP's plans, with the support of family, except I was 18. It is hard raising a child - bloody hard. But it is hard regardless of age, relationship, education or employment.

I may just be overly hormonal, but this thread is an awful advert for BnB and the bitchiness, bullying tactics and lack of support that seems to be becoming more and more common on here. It's no wonder so many people are leaving for other forum sites

 

[honey_bunch]

To the OP, thanks for answering my questions, wow this thread really blew up whilst I was gone!
I just hope you tell your family about your plans soon, as you don't quite sound sure of your decision or the reasons for your decision, and as they will know the situation better than any of us they should hopefully guide you into making the right choice, not only for you, but any future children you might have. As much as you long for a baby, your baby themselves may long for their own, real, biological father to be in their life as they grow up!

20 is young (I don't mean that in a patronising way either) so you have plenty of time to find someone and plan to have children, but I also know that not everyone wants the same out of life and some people chose different paths from the norm.
I think thats why this has got so much response, it's like the lady who has 20 kids, it's just so different from the 'norms' in society that people want to ask questions and speak their mind. With an open internet forum, that's what you get if you put yourself out there, and I'm sure in the future you will get the same scrutiny for your decisions, so you'll have to get used to it!
I wish you luck for the future in whatever happens!
xxx

 

[dizzy65]

if you do a blog posting or anything on your journey threw this sperm donar thing.. i would defantly want to keep up on it and read it... to see how you are doing and ect..

 

[Ash0619]

if you do a blog posting or anything on your journey threw this sperm donar thing.. i would defantly want to keep up on it and read it... to see how you are doing and ect..

She posted her blog and YouTube info on page 9.

 

[dizzy65]

thanks i never read threw the whole thing..

 

[ferens06]

... these statistics being used about fatherless children- I mean, really?

People have stated these as facts that can't be questioned. So you're saying all children that become young parents, or divorce earlier, or get into drugs etc etc- it's all because they were missing a father? Not because of social issues, neighborhoods, poverty, race, education etc (the list goes ON!)

Statistics and real life don't mix. If you don't believe me, think about any crime statistic you've ever read. Then think about how many people never report crimes against them (rape, domestic violence etc).....do you still think that statistics fully capture real life?

 

[sar89]

Just read the entire thread there and have to say some of responses on this are bang out of order. This thread paints an awful picture of BNB.
The OP was looking for support not bitchy comments.
Do I agree with the OP.. No but I kept my comments to myself.
Maybe you ladies should try that in future.. If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all.
And before I get comments saying ' im entitled to my opinions' just think.. how would you feel if you came on this looking for support and received rude responses.. regardless of the topic??

If everyone could think about this maybe we could bring this forum back to a nice place Wish everyone good luck x

 

[ferens06]

Just read the entire thread there and have to say some of responses on this are bang out of order. This thread paints an awful picture of BNB.
The OP was looking for support not bitchy comments.
Do I agree with the OP.. No but I kept my comments to myself.
Maybe you ladies should try that in future.. If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all.
And before I get comments saying ' im entitled to my opinions' just think.. how would you feel if you came on this looking for support and received rude responses.. regardless of the topic??

If everyone could think about this maybe we could bring this forum back to a nice place Wish everyone good luck x

Couldn't agree more.

 

[bdawn8403]

Just read the entire thread there and have to say some of responses on this are bang out of order. This thread paints an awful picture of BNB.
The OP was looking for support not bitchy comments.
Do I agree with the OP.. No but I kept my comments to myself.
Maybe you ladies should try that in future.. If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all.
And before I get comments saying ' im entitled to my opinions' just think.. how would you feel if you came on this looking for support and received rude responses.. regardless of the topic??

If everyone could think about this maybe we could bring this forum back to a nice place Wish everyone good luck x

I have indeed received rude comments. If you don't want someone's opinion don't ask for it. Simple as that.

 

[MummyP2b]

Just read the entire thread there and have to say some of responses on this are bang out of order. This thread paints an awful picture of BNB.
The OP was looking for support not bitchy comments.
Do I agree with the OP.. No but I kept my comments to myself.
Maybe you ladies should try that in future.. If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all.
And before I get comments saying ' im entitled to my opinions' just think.. how would you feel if you came on this looking for support and received rude responses.. regardless of the topic??

If everyone could think about this maybe we could bring this forum back to a nice place Wish everyone good luck x

I have indeed received rude comments. If you don't want someone's opinion don't ask for it. Simple as that.

If thats what you say bdawn8403- then what the hell is this forum for????
Maybe you should just keep your opinions to yourself!!! I think you have just gone a little bit too far! You are not her mother so who are you to tell her what to do!!! Maybe you should question your maturity levels!!!
Enough said I think!

 

[ashleyann]

... these statistics being used about fatherless children- I mean, really?

People have stated these as facts that can't be questioned. So you're saying all children that become young parents, or divorce earlier, or get into drugs etc etc- it's all because they were missing a father? Not because of social issues, neighborhoods, poverty, race, education etc (the list goes ON!)

Statistics and real life don't mix. If you don't believe me, think about any crime statistic you've ever read. Then think about how many people never report crimes against them (rape, domestic violence etc).....do you still think that statistics fully capture real life?

Of course I wasn't saying that all children that become young parents, or divorce earlier, or get into drugs do so because they were missing a father. Of COURSE there are other factors that go into these sorts of things and there are ALWAYS exceptions to statistics. I didn't conduct these studies but I'm certain that if they are from the DHH that they were done by professionals who know what they are doing and how to do it.

There are so many deadbeat dads out there that I don't doubt that in some cases it can be done better without a man involved.

I honestly was not trying to be rude but I think it's important/interesting to know these sorts of things when you are making a decision. I think it'd be ignorant NOT to know or pretend these types of statistics don't exist.

I honestly wasn't trying to be rude and do hope for the best for the pregnancy and that the baby is happy healthy and perfect..but people do disagree on things and you can't always expect everyone to be 100% supportive of everything you do. But that's life..sometimes you have to take all things into consideration and go with your heart.
But I DO apologize if I hurt any feelings or was out of line because it was not my intention.

 

[sar89]

Just read the entire thread there and have to say some of responses on this are bang out of order. This thread paints an awful picture of BNB.
The OP was looking for support not bitchy comments.
Do I agree with the OP.. No but I kept my comments to myself.
Maybe you ladies should try that in future.. If you have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all.
And before I get comments saying ' im entitled to my opinions' just think.. how would you feel if you came on this looking for support and received rude responses.. regardless of the topic??

If everyone could think about this maybe we could bring this forum back to a nice place Wish everyone good luck x

I have indeed received rude comments. If you don't want someone's opinion don't ask for it. Simple as that.

She didnt ask for opinions she wanted support. Her final words were ' I am happy' not 'what do ye think'....

 

[itsy.bitsy]

if it were a 20 year old coming on this site saying oh darn i didnt use birth control and now im up the duff and going to be a single Mummy, oops! didnt know i could get pregnant from that! the reaction would be completely different.

Some of the comments to the op have been completely rude and an attack. You say you have your right to your opinion that doesnt mean you have a right to be a rude cow!And just like you have a right to your opinion the op has a right to hers. What makes you such a good citizen that you think you have the right to look down on and speak down to someone else for their decisions. No you dont have to agree, but you ask once, you get an answer move on. Is you life so boring you have to sit there and post the same thing several times to prove your point? Get over it. Make your point in a polite manner and move on people!

Some of you posters honestly need to take a look at yourself insted of being so arrogant, because im sure glad you opinionated and rude women (i refuse to call you ladies) werent my mother.