Spanking

[BlackBerry25]

Well someone asked if tap was a new word. Which I don't believe it is and that is why I posted the definition from THE DICTIONARY.

Anyways, I am not trying to convince you of anything. I think it is very horrible to even imply someone abused their child when you have no idea, so that is why I became so defensive. I am sure you would do the same if I said anything so completely horrible about you.

 

[redpoppy]

I don't think we can really call smacking child abuse unless it crosses the line where you are out to physically hurt your child as a punishment or if you are emotionally losing control in my opinion.

I would never lay a finger on my child and I hope and pray that I don't ever let my values slide on this. I have added the caveat of "unless they are in grave danger" but I hope that never happens as I know I will drown in guilt if I were to ever do it.

I remember my LO kept trying to reach out for something (can't remember what) and there was a part of me who thought, if I tap (and I literally mean tap so that it wouldn't even be audible) her hand and give her a stern "no" she may understand. But since I know my stance on this I obviously didn't. However I wouldn't consider it child abuse. And I think calling it child abuse is really wrong as we're then saying those people are on par with those proper crazy child abusers. Of course there are degrees and we as a society are having issues defining where that is but having an extreme view doesn't help anyone except maybe those who like to feel good about having extreme views.

In terms of the pain a child feels. My LO can fall or drop a toy/remote on her head and if I look concerned she'll start to cry but if I go "woooO!" and laugh she won't. Just as pat shushing a baby to sleep can be VERY firm and controlling but the one time I have shouted "no!" with a stern voice at my baby (she was pulling my hair ) she burst into tears. It's not what you're doing but how you do it. If you were to push a child in play (not that you should but I'm making a point here) or push them in anger they will know the difference. It's not the push but the tone that upsets them. Which again leads me to think what on earth is the point of hitting or tapping or any of that?

But this debate should really be about discipline and not about child abuse in my opinion. The facts and modern research suggest there is absolutely no reason to smack your child and that it is not an effective tool in disciplining. The only ideal we can have is that our children learn to rationalise and reason the right things from the wrong things and to do that you don't need to hit them. The times that hitting MIGHT be thought to work is if your child was inherently evil or had no ability to reason. And as I've said before, if they're too young to reason then hitting them seems cruel and in some ways indoctrinating them into the whole "hitting you kids is the only way to help them see sense" and if they're inherently evil so that if you were to explain things to them they wouldn't choose to make the right decisions then hitting them isn't gong to make them good people. Just make them scared into not doing the wrong thing.

That's what I think anyway.

 

[midori1999]

Well someone asked if tap was a new word. Which I don't believe it is and that is why I posted the definition from THE DICTIONARY.

Anyways, I am not trying to convince you of anything. I think it is very horrible to even imply someone abused their child when you have no idea, so that is why I became so defensive. I am sure you would do the same if I said anything so completely horrible about you.

What someone asked was not if 'tap' was a nw word, but if it was the new word for smacking. I can see where they are coming from. IME, it is a word people use because they don't want to admit to smacking because they are aware it is wrong but don't know how to parent effectively.

I have stated twice on this thread that I do not consider smacking child abuse, unless it leaves a mark.

redpoppy, I agree.

 

[BlackBerry25]

Again a tap is not a new word for smacking, it is infact, if you can believe it, a different word! Wow!

 

[PeanutBean]

IME, it is a word people use because they don't want to admit to smacking because they are aware it is wrong but don't know how to parent effectively.

Wow. Words fail me.

 

[Eve]

Blackberry, we will have to agree to disagree. There is no way you will ever have me believe that 'tapping' (which you yourself described as 'to strike lightly but audibly' (ony the two aren't condusive to each other IMO)) a 7 month old child is acceptable or there isn't a more effective and better way to parent. If you feel comfortable with it, then that is fine for you. Like I sadi earlier, I wouldn't class it as child abuse, but I do findit abhorrent when a child is still a baby.

I don't think "tapping" is abuse... and I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone they don't know, unless they are abusing their children etc..., which I highly doubt the poor moms in this thread are/ever did/ever will! I don't think the Moms on here should even feel the need to explain themselves, as they are good moms and the very few people who pass the judgement obviously are not seeing the whole picture. I know people who spank their children, actually spank, and their kids are fine... and I know people who don't spank, yell, etc... at all and their kids are brats, or violent... it can be caused by more than a smack... I was spanked, and I don't think it bothered me. I still love my Mom more than anything, she is one of the best, sweetest, loving, caring moms I know She spanked my butt with a plastic spoon at that and well, I'm fine. I don't think we should "spank" our children, but it has nothing to do with my mom, or how she diciplined us. She smacked me in the face once... I was a rotton,know it all teen and was downright a bitch, and during an argument with my mom, I called her an FB and she smacked me and knocked me on my rear! I wasn't even mad about it, and in fact I felt bad for her because she cried after and was apologising to me, which even back then, I thought she shouldn't have. Again, I don't agree with spanking, and I do think there are other ways to deal with it of course, but I don't pass judgement on someone for swatting the occasional behind, or "tapping" their child's hand.... I think more effort should be put into stopping domestic violence and child abuse with the passion and time some people seem to have on here though... most people in the real world turn their heads and ignore it, which is such a sin...

I don't know your Mum and I am not disagreeing with what you are saying at all, neither am I suggesting you were abused, absolutely not, but I have worked with seriously abused children and it is amazing how many of them still wish to live with their parents and who love them unconditionally and absolutely, in spite of that abuse.

I can understand that, or the enabler which is also the abuser. My parents took in my cousin after she was seriously abused by her mother's girlfriend... and she still loves her mother dearly, who knew it was going on and didn't do anything to stop it...

My father sure doesn't still love his father, and my mother sure doesn't still love her mother (both passed now)... my mom suffered physical abuse (slapping in the face, etc...) and my father suffered through and witnessed severe abuse My biological grandfather was a sack of shit psycho! I don't want to get into details as it would just disturb a lot of you, but it was horrendous! What my mom did was normal parenting for her time, and like I said, it didn't hurt me any. It's a shame a child would still feel such love for an abuser Makes me sick...

 

[cleckner04]

Well someone asked if tap was a new word. Which I don't believe it is and that is why I posted the definition from THE DICTIONARY.

Anyways, I am not trying to convince you of anything. I think it is very horrible to even imply someone abused their child when you have no idea, so that is why I became so defensive. I am sure you would do the same if I said anything so completely horrible about you.

What someone asked was not if 'tap' was a nw word, but if it was the new word for smacking. I can see where they are coming from. IME, it is a word people use because they don't want to admit to smacking because they are aware it is wrong but don't know how to parent effectively.

I have stated twice on this thread that I do not consider smacking child abuse, unless it leaves a mark.

redpoppy, I agree.

Is it lonely up there on your high horse?

 

[Eve]

^^^ xx

 

[midori1999]

IME, it is a word people use because they don't want to admit to smacking because they are aware it is wrong but don't know how to parent effectively.

Wow. Words fail me.

Is it lonely up there on your high horse? [/QUOTE]

Oh, so everyone else is allowed an opinion based on their experience, but I am not allowed to give one based on mine and when I do it 'shocks' people...

If you think I am 'on my high horse' that is fine. I do feel very proud that I have managed to raise three boys pretty much by myself who have/are turning out to be lovely children/teenagers without ever having to have resorted to smacking, hitting, tapping or whatever else. If that makes me 'on my high horse', so be it.

 

[PeanutBean]

Midori it's not that you don't approve of any sort of hitting, that's fine. It's that you appear to sit in judgement of others' parenting skills and have decided it's impossible to be an effective parent by doing anything different from what you yourself have done. To be honest I find that quite conceited.

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

IME, it is a word people use because they don't want to admit to smacking because they are aware it is wrong but don't know how to parent effectively.

Wow. Words fail me.

PB I was just gonna say that then some words did come to mind

Midori, I may be a bit slow here, but are you honestly trying to imply that you cannot audibly tap a childs hand without 'hurting' them? If so then you better refrain from teaching your child the art of clapping.

And to imply lack of parenting skills because someone chooses to tap... are you for real? This thread is getting way too personal for my liking hence why i've kept away. Tapping is not abhorrent - thats a very strong word to use - its not ideal no but in some cases its necessary. Striking a child with a belt is abhorrent, tapping is not. Thats a highly offensive and exaggerated word imo to describe something not done to hurt but to warn in order to prevent hurt.

 

[Dragonfly]

I have been afraid to speak my views in case anyone thinks what I say is implying their parenting is wrong because it isnt the same as some in here but I will go ahead anyway.

Personally I do not hit, tap, slap my child it dosnt teach him the lesson the need to learn it misses the point imo. To me that installs fear, associating fear with something instead of not doing it again because they know its wrong its dont do it again because they are scared of being hit.

Now i didnt want to say that as I feel I will be jumped on or accused of saying someone elses parenting is wrong. I may not agree with everyone's parenting, we all do it differently and what works for us. I wasnt hit as a child myself not to my memory I was to scared to move most the time for threats. but I know my mum has hit my sister out of frustration and she is very violent but also has special needs. My mum will not hit her now she is to old and big and she has left my mum battered and bruised because thats how she deals with frustration as thats the way she was taught.

My son knows not to touch something by my voice would you believe, he will stop look at me and not do it he knows I feel I am on a level with him and he has never warranted any sort of discipline. I do hope that continues I like to practise attachment parenting and I like how its working out for me.

 

[emilyjade]

IMO there is a huge difference between tapping and smacking i dont do either because i havnt felt it necessary to do it but i cant really say that tapping a childs hand is abuse or an awful thing to do, im sure you dont tap to harm its tap for the pure shock or i minght be wrong. PC gone crazy!

PB if you tap and it works for you great!

midori if you dont and found another way it works for your family cool!

i think the bottom line is we are all different and all have different parenting styles so be confident in yourself and if it works for you and IMO not hurting the children great!

 

[Blue_bumpkin]

I have been afraid to speak my views in case anyone thinks what I say is implying their parenting is wrong because it isnt the same as some in here but I will go ahead anyway.

Personally I do not hit, tap, slap my child it dosnt teach him the lesson the need to learn it misses the point imo. To me that installs fear, associating fear with something instead of not doing it again because they know its wrong its dont do it again because they are scared of being hit.

Now i didnt want to say that as I feel I will be jumped on or accused of saying someone elses parenting is wrong. I may not agree with everyone's parenting, we all do it differently and what works for us. I wasnt hit as a child myself not to my memory I was to scared to move most the time for threats. but I know my mum has hit my sister out of frustration and she is very violent but also has special needs. My mum will not hit her now she is to old and big and she has left my mum battered and bruised because thats how she deals with frustration as thats the way she was taught.

My son knows not to touch something by my voice would you believe, he will stop look at me and not do it he knows I feel I am on a level with him and he has never warranted any sort of discipline. I do hope that continues I like to practise attachment parenting and I like how its working out for me.

You're entitled to your opinion hun and like you said you arent saying people who think differently are wrong. I think the problem with other posts was the implication that peoples parenting skills are lacking should they wish to 'tap' their child. Tapping and hitting are different imo. Hitting occurs when a parent loses control and hurts a child - tapping is a controlled, almost touch, to avert danger.

 

[Tiff]

I generally disliked tapping or any form of "aggression" if you will.

I always play "I'm gonna get you!!!!" with Claire. Its one of the main things we do around the house. I took her to the park, and she started running right for the road. I started running after her and yelling no, but she thought I was "chasing" her so she kept going and was laughing, etc.

I caught up with her before she hit the street. I got down on her level, sternly told her no and explained about how dangerous cars were. I pointed her in the direction of the park where its fenced in and showed her she could run in that direction. So we were playing around the park and again, she bolts for the street. Again, I caught her before she got to the street but it was just a big game to her.

The 3rd time, when I caught up with her I raised my voice louder and smacked her hand. Well, smack is a bad term I suppose. It was harder than just a tap, but not like a full fledged blow. Anyways, she got upset because I generally don't do that with her. However, she doesn't bolt towards the road anymore either.

I don't really care if that makes me a "bad" parent. I think a fear of the road, with cars and whatnot is healthy. If that makes me an abusive or bad parent, so be it. I do what I feel is best for my child and I'd rather her be a bit afraid of the road rather than run towards it with no fear and get hit by a car.

 

[emilyjade]

^^^ of course that dosnt make you a bad parent, she listened and learnt from it

 

[PeanutBean]

Exactly Tiff. When it's covering the same ground over and over and over and words and everything else are not getting through but it's an important issue ten sometimessomething more is needed.

 

[Tiff]

That's the difference I see too PB. I would never smack as a first response. There have been times where raising my voice and being stern has worked wonders. Like with standing on the furniture. We say "On your bum!" sternly and she knows to sit back down on her bum.

But with something like moving vehicles, that scares me more than me ever raising my voice and tapping her hand will ever scare her right now. At her age she doesn't understand that if she goes on the street, she could get hit by a car and die. I however fully understand that.

 

[Dragonfly]

Thats understandable Tiff. I hope you where not thinking when I said about fear that was the situation I meant as its not. I rather shout at my kid for running near a road than have them flattened that sort of fear should be there, cars should equal scary! I seen a 10 year old boy run down when I was younger, I stood right beside him and seen his injuries he did die on the road there. He ran out without looking. He coincidently would be related to my son as he was my boyfriends cousin only I didnt know him then.

 

[PeanutBean]

And individual children are different too, in the same family with the same parenting. There might be one child who always does as is told and another who wants to test and test and test sometimes in a way that migh be dangerous.