step parents support thread

[xpensivtaste]

Xpensivtaste - I feel for you hun, I really do!

I could of written that myself!!

When DD was born we continued to have SS as normal even though I was shattered and trying to recover from an EMCS - but whenever SS's mum had his little sister we had SS for over a week!?! What made her so special!?

It's awful to admit but I also try to stay out the way when SS is here so I don't have to deal with him. I treat him exactley the same as I do DD and don't let him get away with things that I wouldn't let DD get away with but it comes across to DH and SIL than I am always getting at SS. My sister on the other hand agrees with me in that he was naughty and needed telling off. I've come to the conclusion that we are all different people and all think kids should be brought up in different ways.

Granted this doesn't make it any easier on us step parents (your DH sounds nice and understanding though )

I go with the hope that it's a phase and as SS gets older he'll get easier to deal with (he's 7)

it's good to know i am not alone in feeling the way i do.
i think you are right to stand by your guns where discipline is involved, treating all your children the same shows structure and fairness although it is hard when one child is relatively well behaved and the other isn't, it looks as though we are constantly on their backs when in reality we are only treating them the way we would treat any of them. it just shows what good jobs we have done in raising the children that live with us which if anything shows our partners that we are up to the job. IMHO it does anyway.
my OH has never said i have been unfair with the way i treat SD i just fear he does. i really don't want to upset him and it was difficult explaining to him that i am not bonding with his daughter.

i hope things get better for you, maybe one day we will be able to look forward to our step children coming at the weekend rather than worrying about it. just gotta keep doing our best eh?

 

[Lownthwaite]

Our best is all we can do.

 

[rjsmam]

Hi everyone! Happy New Year

Xpensivtaste – huge congrats on the birth of your son!

I can also relate really well to your post. I have the exact same challenges with ds and his behaviour – and I know that my dh thinks I actually pick on him sometimes – in reality I expect the same behaviour from both ss and ds. I’m tired of being the wicked stepmother but if the rules aren’t the same then it’s just not fair on ds. We also feel a bit of reluctance from ss to with us at times – but to be honest I think it’s because he spends so little time with his own mother, we have him every wk end.

On another subject…. I posted a while back about ds’ mother moving him hundreds of miles away – it all got horrible and co-incided exactly with when I found out I was pg. Dh was stressed to the eyeballs and it turned out they’d been taking ds on covert trips to the town they were going to move to & had told him all about it before telling dh! She made demands for chaperoned flights to be arranged etc etc. Nice. After 3 months of torment she announced it was all off – and ds was disappointed – as they’d done such a good job in ‘selling’ it to him. Fast forward to 3 days before xmas – she announces they are moving even further away! Why it couldn’t have waited til after xmas I don’t know – really put a downer on things for dh. So they are allegedly moving Mar/April – but unless they call it off again I can just see it overlapping with my baby’s due date & making it a really difficult time for dh and the rest of us. The financial implications are horrid also due to the cost of flights etc. I truly think she’s making a very selfish move – he’s been to about 4 different schools already due to her moving around & promised ds last time she wouldn’t do it again. I guess all we can do is our best to see him as much as feasible and be there for him – I try to tell myself and dh that one day the penny will drop for ds & he’ll realise that we’ve been a constant for him.


x

 

[stepmummy]

Oh thank heavens this is here. I hadn't seen it! My sitch is that me and DH have two kids (one on the way) together and he has an 8yo daughter. She is lovely some of the time and we usually have a great bond but her behaviour keeps spiralling downwards. She is rude, temperamental, talks back and generally is very disrespectful.

I've gone from finding it a bit tricky at times to finding it really blimmin hard 100% of the time. Plus I@m expected to pick her up from and take her to school two days a week and I'm starting to find it really hard being 27 weeks pregnant. I don't know how I'll do it with a newborn - hard enough with just DD!

I think the biggest problem is that my mind is now taken up pretty much all the time with my children. When our second child arrives I expect it'll get even harder to find the energy for anything else.

I love SD and want the best for her but her mum hates me, she is rude to me and everything I do gets thrown back at me or at best, completely ignored. I wake up some mornings not wanting to be in this situation any more and find myself wishing SD's life away until she's more independent and doesn't come round so much. I just want to enjoy my family, not battle against it all day. These thoughts make me feel horrible as you can imagine! But I'm only human, and this is the only place I can admit to feeling this way. Sorry for the rant

 

[cowboys angel]

*IF* the information we were just given proves to be true, my SD will be ours forever. She has a sex offender living with her.

 

[Lownthwaite]

*IF* the information we were just given proves to be true, my SD will be ours forever. She has a sex offender living with her.

What?!!!

She's with you now I hope?!

Who told you that?
Do you believe it? Are the police looking into it? Xx

 

[cowboys angel]

*IF* the information we were just given proves to be true, my SD will be ours forever. She has a sex offender living with her.

What?!!!

She's with you now I hope?!

Who told you that?
Do you believe it? Are the police looking into it? Xx

A couple people have told us, we're looking into it. As soon as we have concrete proof, wer're taking it to the police and CPS to get custody. She's not with us yet but if it's proven true, her mom loses Evie forever.

 

[Lownthwaite]

*IF* the information we were just given proves to be true, my SD will be ours forever. She has a sex offender living with her.

What?!!!

She's with you now I hope?!

Who told you that?
Do you believe it? Are the police looking into it? Xx

A couple people have told us, we're looking into it. As soon as we have concrete proof, wer're taking it to the police and CPS to get custody. She's not with us yet but if it's proven true, her mom loses Evie forever.

If it is true do you think her mum knows?
Surely she wouldn't knowingly put her daughter in danger like that?!

 

[eandc123]

Cowboys angel i think you should just tell the police now rather than waiting for more proof. They should take it seriously and inform child protection. Plus if he is known then the police will recognise his name.
I'll be thinking of you all and i hope it is just rumours and she isn't in any danger.

 

[cowboys angel]

I hope it is just rumors too. We know his name, looked him up on the public record, and he didn't show up. We were told he raped his sister when he was much younger though, so depending on hwo they charged him, it may have been wiped off teh public record.

Oh and yes, she would put Evie in danger like that. She's a shitty mother who doesn't deserve to have a child to call her Mommy. She's proven time and time again she doesn't care about Evie, at least not more than she cares about herself. Multiple times we've gone to the police over endangerment and neglect, and time and time again it gets dismissed. This time, we need concrete proof. We're gonna see what we can get Evie to tell us. This time, hopefully we will get custody.

 

[stepmummy]

Nothing like a bit of support...

 

[rjsmam]

Stepmummy – I can relate completely with your situation – in fact I could have written all of that myself. It’s so hard being a step parent at the best of times huh. How does yr OH approach the situation – with the little one coming you will need him to work on this asap.

My ss can be rude, disrespectful etc etc & sometimes I feel that his mum encourages it. I put it down to the fact that he’s not used to being part of a family and sharing, having rules etc – he’s used to being in the limelight. If my son is ever praised for something or gets any sort of attention he does his utmost to divert it to him. I know he’s just a kid but I battle with my feelings about it. And I’m tired of ss constantly being the centre of attention – and I feel that makes me a terrible step mother …..


Cowboys angel – I hope it’s not true at all – but it sounds like the best thing for the wee girl is that you get custody regardless of the situation




x

 

[stepmummy]

rjsmam - all very similar, it's so frustrating. And I hate how much energy and emotion goes into worrying about whether I'm being a good enough SM. It's energy adn emotion that at the moment should be directed elswhere. OH is great to an extent but is protective over SD - which I can understand. It's just something I am going to have to learn to live with, I have got so much from being with DH and it can't all be plain sailing!

 

[rjsmam]

rjsmam - all very similar, it's so frustrating. And I hate how much energy and emotion goes into worrying about whether I'm being a good enough SM. It's energy adn emotion that at the moment should be directed elswhere. OH is great to an extent but is protective over SD - which I can understand. It's just something I am going to have to learn to live with, I have got so much from being with DH and it can't all be plain sailing!

totally agree - i sometimes feel, rightly or wrongly, that so much time and effort is expended by us on ss for whatever reason that my ds is missing out - i know it's selfish but i often think we should concentrate on him more, he hasn't had it easy either having to accept someone into the family and doesn't have a dad of his own as his dad passed away when he was 2. but then i feel awful about having these feelings!

i think there should be a medal provided to all step parents!!



x

 

[cowboys angel]

Nothing like a bit of support...

I'm sorry honey! I didn't even see your post, I just popped up the thread, posted, and popped back off. I'm sorry for hijacking on ya.

I can definitely completely relate to what you posted though. I think I have posted almost an identical post in here stating what you said before.

 

[tallybee]

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in here for a while, just been catching up now

Xpensivtaste, huge congrats on the birth of your son! I am sorry that things have not exactly been easy for you - you'd think people would consider your needs in the early days. It's so galling feeling like everyone else always comes first

Cowboys angel, I hope you guys get custody of Evie ASAP. I agree about speaking to the police rather than waiting for evidence... I don't know how the system works where you are but if he was charged for raping someone surely that would stay on record? The police will be able to advise you

Stepmummy, I am sorry things are so tough. I can totally relate to the frustration and wasted energy.... dealing with unnecessary bullcrap from someone who should be old enough to know better but is blinded by bitterness, is just crappy I agree that how your OH deals with the whole situation is so important. Men can be so bad just burying their head in the sand which makes it 100 times harder for us.

Rjsmam, that's awful about your SS's mum going to move so far away, and the stress it's causing I hope she doesn't do it. You are right though, you guys will be constant in his life and he will realise this in the future

As for us - the ex is making things awkward as relates to visitation..... DH will arrange something and she will decide to cancel at the last minute. It's really annoying me that DH seems to have just accepted seeing them less and less..... he's lost the fight he had in him over the years of stress All I can do is keep supporting in any way I can.....

xx

 

[stepmummy]

Thank you ladies, sorry was having a mega hormonal day! COwboys angel - I hope your sitch gets sorted soon for you. NOne of us has it easy and it sounds like you're having a particualrly difficult time. I hope everything works out for you xxx

 

[cowboys angel]

We've talked to CPS and they said they're going to investigate. Which is awesome, but they've said that on 4 different situations and never looked into it. *sigh* Hopefully this is "serious enough" for them.

He's not on the public record (depends how the charges were filed) but he'd still be on the court record.

 

[cowboys angel]

Everybody, we need prayers, positive thoughts, whatever it is you believe in. My step daughter is in imminent danger, trying to get enough people calling into CPS to get her out of there. I didn't recognize the name given to us as her mom's new boyfriend...because as a little kid I didn't know his last name. Now I know who it is. We need to get her out of there ASAP.

 

[Lownthwaite]

Everybody, we need prayers, positive thoughts, whatever it is you believe in. My step daughter is in imminent danger, trying to get enough people calling into CPS to get her out of there. I didn't recognize the name given to us as her mom's new boyfriend...because as a little kid I didn't know his last name. Now I know who it is. We need to get her out of there ASAP.

Oh god! What are the police / CPS saying?!

Can you and your OH not just go and get her? She is his daughter at the end of the day.