step parents support thread

[cowboys angel]

Went and interviewed with the police, still no sign of CPS, things are straightening out a bit and looking brighter.

 

[tallybee]

cowboys angel I hope things continue to look brighter and that things can be resolved for the best outcome xx

 

[Jen.Uh.Fur]

Went and interviewed with the police, still no sign of CPS, things are straightening out a bit and looking brighter.

Hope things get better! If you ever want to chat, message me!

 

[Inge]

Leos been on and off with his sleeping so wer going to have to move him back in with us. I hate moving him round all the time. SS is here this weekend and I know if Leo wakes him up then hell will break lose Last time he kept rattling Leos cot to wake him up then when I would go in, hed pretend he never went near it even though I saw him
Should we keep Leo in there or move him back in? When Leos is 1 wer hoping to TTC (we can apply to exchange to a bigger house then) so they will have to share anyway at some point. Everytime SS is here we have to bring Leo into our bed and we never sleep. I hate having to change our lives and rules to keep everyone happy. Should we move him back in with us til; he settles?

 

[cowboys angel]

I would hunni. I personally think it sounds like Leo needs some serious help.

 

[NewMummyx]

never knew this tread was here, I could be doing with some advice!

I think my SD (5)is starting to feel pushed out and is acting up a bit (imo) due to it all. Story is looong..
SD is not allowed to stay with us says her mum since I fell pregnant which is sad as we used to have her every weekend She loves LO to bits and sees him every weekend at her grans house. Heres my issue. I understand she only sees her dad 2x a week and wants to play etc but she will jump all over the couch, play fight with OH and run about screaming. I know you will say "oh just pick your LO up/out the way" but she jumps over OH if he is holding LO also. OH doesnt like to tell her off as he hardly sees her (and tbh he is lazy ), neither do OHs mum or dad, she gets to run riot and when asked not to continues to the point where my LO has gotten hurt a few times due to it. At 5 I seriously think she should be told to behave and I know she understands what is being asked of her, any ideas how to deal with this?

Admittedly she has been worse since her mum (OHs ex) announced she is pregnant. She commented the other week on how her mum has been buying the new baby dummies and that she has been taking them and walking around sucking them. She has been the baby for years and LO doesnt bother her as she only sees him 1/2x a week wheras this new baby will be there 24/7.
How do I help her deal with this/can I in the little time I see her, how can I make things as OK as possible while dealing with the fact no one disciplines her?! I just dunno what to do!

 

[tallybee]

Hi NewMummy, welcome to the group, glad you found us!

I am sorry you are finding friction with the steppie situation. And no I will not say 'just pick LO up and get out the way' You shouldn't need to be constantly holding a baby away from a 5 year old child and an overgrown one! My 5 year old knows about being gentle with babies, and kids smaller than her, and we don't even have any in the house

Unfortunately it seems to be a very common situation where the non-resident parent (and grandparents who don't see the child much) doesn't do discipline properly as they want their limited time with their child to be all fun and games, which obviously causes big issues in the long run. The new half-sibling(s) will also be big deals too

The dummy thing sounds odd but seemingly lots of kids go through a sort of reversion stage when a new sibling is announced. As long as it's not being encouraged I would bet she will lose interest.

The problem is that without your OH being on the same page as you then it's incredibly tricky, I've been there with DH just wanting to make his sons WANT to be at our house so letting them do whatever they want... He has seen a bit more reason lately though and things are easier when SSs stay/visit.

Speaking to your OH about things and rationally discussing, whilst SD is not there, might get you somewhere.

Whatever happens, you know now that there is this little group here who 'get' some of the things that come up with step-families that many others won't understand xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

my update and want to with all the step mummies a very merry christmas and hope all is going well for you! =0)

i can't believe it, SD is actually coming to stay with us from the 21st until the 24th....home christmas and back boxing day so we dont get her christmas day but we get to see her over the christmas holidays which is more than last year, we have had 3 weeks where we have not been able to have her and when OH tried to ring, his ex was being a real bitch saying SD is busy. luckily she let him speak to her the next morning though.

just hope i will manage ok with the kids as i am either having cramps and contractions everyday (early labour which is seeming to never end) or i will have given birth and be very tired but luckily OH will be here and if need be DD and SD can go to MIL's for a few hours in the day if i am struggling but i cant see it being a problem unless they are playing up.
DD is away for the next 2 days at her grandparents on her biological fathers side which is a big help at the minute as i never know when i am going to go into labour and i hate having to wake her up at silly o'clock if i need to go to the hospital and its happened twice already and for nothing lol as both times contractions just stopped without warning.
the house is very quiet with just me and OH! its a real waiting game too. would really like to have had baby by tuesday.

 

[tallybee]

Hey xpensivtaste! How exciting that your new addition could be with you any time soon!

Also fab about SD getting to spend time with you guys

We're doing ok here, not had SSs over for a while as their mum always says they are busy/have something-or-other on. PITA. I'm absolutely knackered from these darned night shifts though - very glad it's only up til the night of the 23rd going into Xmas eve!

xx

 

[cowboys angel]

No sign of CPS still, looks like it all blew over.

 

[tallybee]

Hi everyone, I hope your Xmas has been fab, and as smooth as possible!

All the best

 

[tallybee]

All a bit quiet in here, I hope that means you are all enjoying good family time with all

xx

 

[xpensivtaste]

hi tally, hope you enjoyed christmas and new year. i have not been on as i was busy having my son =0) Leo Jack was born 30/12/11 weighing 8lb3oz and is perfect.

on the step mummy side its not so great but i will update later. just thought i'd keep the ball rolling with the thread and wish all a good 2012. =0)

 

[eandc123]

Congratulations!! A very happy new year to you. Don't let anything deter you from your time with your gorgeous new son

 

[Lownthwaite]

hi tally, hope you enjoyed christmas and new year. i have not been on as i was busy having my son =0) Leo Jack was born 30/12/11 weighing 8lb3oz and is perfect.

on the step mummy side its not so great but i will update later. just thought i'd keep the ball rolling with the thread and wish all a good 2012. =0)

Congratulations!!!

All is moderately ok here SS keeps purposley winding me up but I'm trying to play it cool

 

[maybebaby3]

.

 

[cowboys angel]

xpensivtaste- CONGRATS!

Everything is fairly good here, still dealing with BM's crap and SD's attitude, but things are going well for now.

 

[xpensivtaste]

Oops unfinished

 

[xpensivtaste]

thankyou all. i said i would update on the step parent side of things....be warned though its going to be long!! thanks anyone who takes the time to read and reply.

everything is going brilliantly apart from a few things regarding SD, our new addition is so good and we are all smitten.
struggling STILL to bond with SD though..i feel like a failure to be quite truthful and i am pretty much at the end of my tether..its been 18 months. i really don't understand why i am struggling so much, she is just a little girl and i have always loved kids but i feel so challenged by her! i feel like she looks right through me.
SD's behaviour is not exactly brill at the moment tho either.
it really does seem like she hates to be here at the weekend. within an hour of being dropped off she wants to know when her nannie is picking her up (we sort of share time with SD over the weekend with MIL) if we say she is sleeping here that night she gets upset. i dont get it, we treat all the kids the same, they both get the same amount of attention, if anything SD gets more than DD because she needs more being younger,
she constantly argues with and tells tales on DD, if she can't have control of the tv she tells us DD wont let her watch anything when she has been watching her programs all day and DD has only been in the house 10 mins. at times she can be really vile to DD if she thinks we are not listening. DD doesn't rise to it as in the past i have explained to her SD is only young and doesn't understand as well but i can tell it hurts her feelings. its gotten to the point though where DD will avoid talking to SD and has even become more distant with OH when SD is here because there is so much rivalry for his attention. SD also accused DD of hitting her a couple weeks ago too which we found out to be untrue.

we really do have our work cut out at the mo and OH has admitted sometimes when his mum picks SD up he is slightly relieved because she is becoming a bit of a handful.

another thing that springs to mind that quite upset me:
the other day SD got up in the morning to go to the toilet and as she walked past our bedroom i smiled at her, she gave me the most filthy look....i don't know why, she has never done it before but it made me feel like total crap, like what have i done so bad that this child doesn't like me.
i have always had a feeling she doesn't like me but only from the way she doesn't really come to me for hugs or talk to me unless she wants something to eat/drink.
when her dad went out and i was looking after her the other day she said to me i wish my daddy still lived with nannie i don't want him to live with you. it makes me feel like crying sometimes. i expect it to be confusing for a child to have 2 families but its been 18 months and she is nearly 6 now. surely it should be getting easier for her?? it just makes me think it must be me, that somehow she senses how i feel! but then its sort of a vicious circle because the more i feel she doesn't like me the harder i find it to bond with her and i have even resorted to keeping out of the way for much of the time she is here so she can spend time with her dad and i dont have to deal with her which is horrible i know, but sometimes when she is being a pain and i really want to discipline her the way i would DD i hold back because its become so often and i don't want OH to think i am picking on her in anyway which i would never do.

i really do feel for my step dad now because i was pretty nasty to him when i was a child. mainly because my dad poisoned me against him but some of the things i did and said were pretty unforgivable. its been a long time tho and i have learned to love my step dad and i have more respect for him than i do for my real dad. funny how these things happen. sorta went off track there a bit - sorry!

so yeah its all pretty messed up for me regarding step-parent hood. i am not taking to well to it and i am feeling so guilty about it but all i can say is i am trying. OH is great about everything. i have told him how i feel. he just tries to reassure me SD does like me but i think recently he is starting to see where i am coming from.

i got a little stressed out last week as i has given birth and as soon as i was out of hospital MIL fetched SD over and we had her for the next 2 days as well as DD who is a little easier to entertain with her being 10 but SD needs constant attention and constantly wanted to hold and mother LJ (our son) bearing in mind i didnt sleep for the few days before labour started due to braxton hicks and being uncomfortable and didnt sleep the first few nights after he was born so i was absolutely exhausted and needed
a) time to bond with baby and...
b)to sleep....
but MIL had plans to go out over new year and wouldn't help out with the older ones nor would they take SD back to her mums for a few hours so i could get some rest.

what wound me up is when SD's mum gave birth to her daughter last year, MIL fetched SD to us saying she (oh's ex) needed a rest and bonding time so we were to have SD for a few days and that was that.
would have expected the same sort of treatment for me but oh no...i was expected to shut up and put up and was an emotional mess for the first few days after birth from being severely overtired.

SD's behaviour at her nannies is seriously getting my back up also.
she will not do as she is told and they seem to think thats ok. her attitude when she is with them is so different to when she is with us as i have said before.
with us she is very quiet a lot of the time and looks like butter wouldn't melt (although more recently she is getting to be a madam)
with them she is rude, demanding and quick to cry if she doesn't get what she wants.

the other day she stood infront of a kneeling nannie, bent over and broke wind in her face and laughed. i thought it was absolutely disgusting behaviour that i would have put her or any child on the naughty step for but nannie just laughed and said to me did you just see that?
OH and i have sort of come to a conclusion that where nannie is concerned we don't get a say as nannie tries to run OUR lives thinking she always knows best and SD favours nannie over us due to being spoiled rotten by her so we leave her to discipline SD the way she likes but its so hard to watch this little girl turn into (and i am sorry to say it but...) spoilt brat! even OH's grandad and a family friend have commented on her behaviour lately....hopefully its just a phase that will fizzle out with a new baby coming along. at the minute though i really dread the weekends. =0(

 

[Lownthwaite]

Xpensivtaste - I feel for you hun, I really do!

I could of written that myself!!

When DD was born we continued to have SS as normal even though I was shattered and trying to recover from an EMCS - but whenever SS's mum had his little sister we had SS for over a week!?! What made her so special!?

It's awful to admit but I also try to stay out the way when SS is here so I don't have to deal with him. I treat him exactley the same as I do DD and don't let him get away with things that I wouldn't let DD get away with but it comes across to DH and SIL than I am always getting at SS. My sister on the other hand agrees with me in that he was naughty and needed telling off. I've come to the conclusion that we are all different people and all think kids should be brought up in different ways.

Granted this doesn't make it any easier on us step parents (your DH sounds nice and understanding though )

I go with the hope that it's a phase and as SS gets older he'll get easier to deal with (he's 7)