The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[prgirl_cesca]

Do you know the worst thing you can hear as a mother suffering with BF failure guilt is a breastfeeding mum going "oh you know I had the cracked nipples, bleeding, pain etc but I perservered and here I am 12 months later still breastfeeding" I know they're trying to be helpful, but all it does is make you feel even more of a failure because someone else experienced what you did but didn't give up...but you did.

I still suffer from the guilt now 9 months on. I was ill-educated (attending the breastfeeding workshops which were all roses) and didn't know what was normal and quit feeding from the boob after a few days, but ended up expressing for about 3 weeks which was as long as I could keep up the supply.

I suffer with the guilt even now because I had so many problems after exclusively expressing and ended up having major sugery on my breast when LO was 10 weeks old to remove an infected abscess after a blocked duct turned bad. I then spent the next 4 months in and out of hospital to drain another abscess. My breasts are now scarred, so not only am I left with the mental memory of being a failure, I have a physical reminder I have to look at every day.

It also doesn't help that i've been advised not to breastfeed when I have another child as I have 'distorted milk ducts' after infected breastmilk clogged them for months. So I can't even make the guilt go by feeding my next child.

I just try to think about how my son is healthy and that's all that matters really.

 

[MrsPOP]

Prgirl_cesca that sounds horrendous you poor thing.

Pinky, oh I've been there. When my LO is hungry she goes from 0-100% in seconds so one min she's super happy and then then next min she's screaming bloody murder and is inconsolable so getting her bottle ready is super stressful. I always think my neighbours must thunk I'm the worst mum ever!

 

[Mummy2bexxx]

My daughter was ff from 3 weeks old and boy did i feel rubbish about it! I developed pnd due to the guilt I felt and ended up on antidepressants. Fast forward 20 months and I have an incredibly smart, healthy and beautiful little girl. No weight problems, or issues with her eating, she eats a balanced diet andis not fussy about food at all, never ill (touch wood) and never even suffers from colds! She is such a confident little girl and loves her cuddles with mummy. I made myself feel ill about something which was totally beyond my control, and knowing that it all turned out ok in the end, I kind of wish that I hadnt wasted time worrying over it. Big hugs to all you ladies, you are doing the best thing for your babies...you are providing them with love, cuddles and a belly full of milk, what more could they ask for?

 

[maddog37]

I've been fighting some demons the passed few days (even after my "wiping the slate clean" post the other evening).... So I've not been around, but I wanted to send you all big .

I've been a right nana the last couple of. Didn't want to bother you ladies with it, but the funniest statement to oh had to be, in telling him about this thread and my post.... "I can't even fail properly *continued to sob*" ... LOl

Have a lovely day everyone xx

Hope you feel better! I haven't been reading bnb lately because my PNA has started back up in a major way suddenly.

That reminds me, I've been to a postpartum therapist for almost a year. At one point, we were at a bit of a standstill and she said there was nothing else she can do for me. I got into the car and texted DH, "I think I just failed at therapy." Then I was the last little piggy that cried wee wee wee all the way home.

I was on vacation last week and away from LO (taken care of by ILs'). Not going through my story again but we're almost 10 months pp, stopped bf'ing at 3 weeks. Anyways, what happens? I go on vacation without LO and the second day I started lactating ... not much but there was definitely milk, for 2 days. What the frak!!! I think my breasts mock me.

 

[vintage67]

do you know the worst thing you can hear as a mother suffering with bf failure guilt is a breastfeeding mum going "oh you know i had the cracked nipples, bleeding, pain etc but i perservered and here i am 12 months later still breastfeeding" i know they're trying to be helpful, but all it does is make you feel even more of a failure because someone else experienced what you did but didn't give up...but you did.

I still suffer from the guilt now 9 months on. I was ill-educated (attending the breastfeeding workshops which were all roses) and didn't know what was normal and quit feeding from the boob after a few days, but ended up expressing for about 3 weeks which was as long as i could keep up the supply.

I suffer with the guilt even now because i had so many problems after exclusively expressing and ended up having major sugery on my breast when lo was 10 weeks old to remove an infected abscess after a blocked duct turned bad. I then spent the next 4 months in and out of hospital to drain another abscess. My breasts are now scarred, so not only am i left with the mental memory of being a failure, i have a physical reminder i have to look at every day.

It also doesn't help that i've been advised not to breastfeed when i have another child as i have 'distorted milk ducts' after infected breastmilk clogged them for months. So i can't even make the guilt go by feeding my next child.

I just try to think about how my son is healthy and that's all that matters really.

that first paragraph!!!!! Yesssssssssss!

Amen!!!!!

 

[fides]

i was at a party today where the other moms BF. i was going to feed my LO in the bathroom, but i didn't close the bottle properly and shook formula all over the place. then i thought, this is just stupid - who cares what they think?! so, i cleaned up the mess, went and made a new bottle, then fed my LO while sitting next to a mom BF'ing hers.

that was a first, and reading all of your stories probably helped me get past that mark.

thanks, ladies!

 

[Leopard]

I'm not sure if I'm welcome here, but I'll poke my head in and see if it gets eaten.
DD is nearly 10 weeks old, and we were exclusively breastfeeding, however due to poor weight gain she has been put on formula top ups. I know it's fully failed bf but it sure feels like it
Just let me know if you want me to leave.
We've been doing formula and breast since wednesday and I've already had 3 nervous/emotional breakdowns. It's not treating bubby too well either, vomiting, pain etc. Poor thing

I hope I can get past this, but the way things are looking she will be fully refusing the breast soon.

Mind if I stay?

 

[MrsPOP]

Welcome to the thread Leopard.

Im sorry to hear that things have taken a downward turn in your BF journey. Before replying to your post I went to the BF to re-read the thread you had posted which caused a lot of women on here a great deal of pain and then noticed you had posted a thread apologising for what you have said. You say a lot of what you said was down to your feelings about yourself and your own struggles (which sound extremely severe) rather than looking down on 'those women' who cant accept that they are 'just being quitters' and whilst I never will agree with anything you said in your original thread and feel it was probably the wrong way of dealing with what you are going through, I could see a lot of pain in your apology and for that I send you a LOT of hugs

Im going to be honest, what you originally wrote was utterly detestful and as Ive said caused a lot of women on this thread a lot of hurt and pain, which is why you probably feel you head is going to be eaten off. It wont, at least as far as Im concerned. Everyone who dealing with BF guilt in any way, shape or form is welcome here.

 

[BabyBoo36]

I'm not sure if I'm welcome here, but I'll poke my head in and see if it gets eaten.
DD is nearly 10 weeks old, and we were exclusively breastfeeding, however due to poor weight gain she has been put on formula top ups. I know it's fully failed bf but it sure feels like it
Just let me know if you want me to leave.
We've been doing formula and breast since wednesday and I've already had 3 nervous/emotional breakdowns. It's not treating bubby too well either, vomiting, pain etc. Poor thing

I hope I can get past this, but the way things are looking she will be fully refusing the breast soon.

Mind if I stay?

No eating off me, I'm full

I've read your posts - stay. We're all here to support each other. We all react to different things in different ways and you sound like you need the virtual hugs this post offers x

 

[tina3747]

I'm not sure if I'm welcome here, but I'll poke my head in and see if it gets eaten.
DD is nearly 10 weeks old, and we were exclusively breastfeeding, however due to poor weight gain she has been put on formula top ups. I know it's fully failed bf but it sure feels like it
Just let me know if you want me to leave.
We've been doing formula and breast since wednesday and I've already had 3 nervous/emotional breakdowns. It's not treating bubby too well either, vomiting, pain etc. Poor thing

I hope I can get past this, but the way things are looking she will be fully refusing the breast soon.

Mind if I stay?

As long as your not so judgemental about the f feeders that are not trying hard enough and have thrown the towel in too soon.
I must admit I turn a blind eye to most threads if they offend me or defend my parenting choices if need be but I don't think I've been as offended as much after Reading your initial thread in the 1 yr + I've been on this site. I know you were very apologetic afterwards and I'm sure you had your reasons for your rant but taking it out on ladies that really have got to breaking point in thier quest to do the best for thier babies was not a good way to go about it.
I'm so sorry you've got to this point and are now feeling the guilt so many are on this thread. Just know this... It doesn't matter how you lo is being fed in the grand scheme of things,all that matters is that she is. Now please enjoy your darling baby and continue on being the best mummy you are and can possibly be.

 

[Leopard]

Thankyou ladies. I was fully expecting to lose a few limbs, good thing most of you have already eaten! I am readily able to admit that the post was utterly rude. I know my mistakes and failures; If I didn't an apology would not have followed. Thankyou for allowing me to be here.

Did any of you think 'I'm not going to be that person?' with regards to failure? As in, you never thought the ability to breastfeed would not be yours? I just feel like everything i life I've tried and failed at was expected to be failed, but I never expected to not be able to do the one thing, properly, that I was meant to do, iykwim?

 

[tina3747]

How hard can a natural act llike breast feeding possibly be? Babies do it instinctivly fresh out the womb!! Millions of women do it successfully every day!!
We all know how hard it is now and it's not always that picture of serenity that you imagine. Breast feeding pics are lovely, they never seem to show the mother crying uncontrollably with emotion or pain, the flame of mastitis or a screaming child that will just not latch!
If you read my previous posts on here you'll find that it's not guilt I feel, more jealousy out of people that just do it. I'm not a stupid person, fairly intelligent that read up on everything before hand. My friend who I visited Friday evening is a typical dizzy blonde, wasn't that fussed about breast feeding said shed try it for a day and fbring out the formula if she can't be arsed. 3 weeks in and she's going strong, not had one problem other than one sore nipple. I came away half so pissed off and half so proud she managed to do it! If she can do it why couldn't I ?!

 

[MrsPOP]

Yes I know what you mean. I think for me, the initial problem that I had to deal with was having to be induced and ending up with an EMCS. I felt my body had failed me and my LO so badly, that I was less of a woman because of it so at the start of it all it was the C Section guilt for me. I was meant to push a baby out of my foof and I couldnt!

Then the BF issues happened a couple of days later and...urgh...that was just the icing on top of the Failure Cake for me. My mantra for for the first few months was 'I couldnt go into labour naturally (I was overdue), I couldnt give birth naturally and I couldnt feed my daughter naturally'. Fun fun fun.

You are at the start of your journey as far as BF guilt goes and it not definate that you will 'fail' completely and if you are still able to express then that is great...tbh I would have killed to even manage to express past 2 weeks (my LO refused my EBM, she obviously preferred Chateau du SMA). I think the first thing you need to start trying to do is to let go of your negative feelings towards formula. I was lucky in that I had no negative feelings towards formula at all so I didnt have that hurdle to jump over. It wont happen in a day but the quicker you let that go, the easier the journey will be...although its still a damn painful one and you will have our support as you go through it.

 

[BabyBoo36]

Thankyou ladies. I was fully expecting to lose a few limbs, good thing most of you have already eaten! I am readily able to admit that the post was utterly rude. I know my mistakes and failures; If I didn't an apology would not have followed. Thankyou for allowing me to be here.

Did any of you think 'I'm not going to be that person?' with regards to failure? As in, you never thought the ability to breastfeed would not be yours? I just feel like everything i life I've tried and failed at was expected to be failed, but I never expected to not be able to do the one thing, properly, that I was meant to do, iykwim?

Difficult one to answer. I always said "If I can, I can, if not, no big deal". However, when it came down to it, I didn't get the pregnancy I expected (Freya was diagnosed with spina bifida at the 20 week scan, so the pregnancy was very traumatic and for 2 days, we had to consider whether to continue). I didn't get the birth I wanted (I ended up with a section) and I coudn't BF on top of that. I think the 3 together kind of compounded my guilt, if that makes sense? I felt NOTHING had gone to plan.

Now we're weaning - I wanted to do TW, Freya has other ideas! I have a stubborn lady! I've come to terms with the section and the BF (not quite there on the guilt over Frey's condition yet, but hey ho), and the more end up doing the opposite of what I expected, the easier it becomes to say "motherhood doesn't always follow the rules!" x

 

[MrsPOP]

Thankyou ladies. I was fully expecting to lose a few limbs, good thing most of you have already eaten! I am readily able to admit that the post was utterly rude. I know my mistakes and failures; If I didn't an apology would not have followed. Thankyou for allowing me to be here.

Did any of you think 'I'm not going to be that person?' with regards to failure? As in, you never thought the ability to breastfeed would not be yours? I just feel like everything i life I've tried and failed at was expected to be failed, but I never expected to not be able to do the one thing, properly, that I was meant to do, iykwim?

Difficult one to answer. I always said "If I can, I can, if not, no big deal". However, when it came down to it, I didn't get the pregnancy I expected (Freya was diagnosed with spina bifida at the 20 week scan, so the pregnancy was very traumatic and for 2 days, we had to consider whether to continue). I didn't get the birth I wanted (I ended up with a section) and I coudn't BF on top of that. I think the 3 together kind of compounded my guilt, if that makes sense? I felt NOTHING had gone to plan.

Now we're weaning - I wanted to do TW, Freya has other ideas! I have a stubborn lady! I've come to terms with the section and the BF (not quite there on the guilt over Frey's condition yet, but hey ho), and the more end up doing the opposite of what I expected, the easier it becomes to say "motherhood doesn't always follow the rules!" x

My mum always says 'you may have read the book but the baby hasnt read the book'

So true, I wanted to BLW at 6 mos but had to TW at 4.5mos due to reflux, I wanted to NEVER co-sleep but boy oh boy does my LO love mummy and daddy's bed, I wanted to babywear, LO hated the Moby (fortunately she loves the Maya Tie but only when daddy wears her)...

This is why I have that 'insert labour/birth' thing in my signature because (well apart from the fact I dont like to put a label on what I do as a mum) Im led by my LO who has very strong ideas of her own!!!

 

[Kage76]

I'm not sure if I'm welcome here, but I'll poke my head in and see if it gets eaten.
DD is nearly 10 weeks old, and we were exclusively breastfeeding, however due to poor weight gain she has been put on formula top ups. I know it's fully failed bf but it sure feels like it
Just let me know if you want me to leave.
We've been doing formula and breast since wednesday and I've already had 3 nervous/emotional breakdowns. It's not treating bubby too well either, vomiting, pain etc. Poor thing

I hope I can get past this, but the way things are looking she will be fully refusing the breast soon.

Mind if I stay?

Oh sweetheart- i popped my head into the BF forum and i read your story earlier this week and it broke my heart. I think from all the stories on here rarely is FF a choice. If given the choice between your baby thriving and not- it certainly does not feel like a choice. If there is one thing you can take from all of our stories is please please do not beat yourself up. You have given your LO an amazing start to life. You have not failed to BF- you just didn't do it for as long as you would have liked. Sometimes our bodies just don't do what they are supposed to- no matter how hard we try.

There is always a little period of adjustment when they do go on to formula, but its short lived. Its hard to see them in pain but their tummy's get used to it really quick- look up colic massage- it really helped Sophie- and they can spit up a bit more- their tummys are not used to such a volume of food but its usually nothing to worry about.

 

[vintage67]

I can somewhat look past "the incident" because Leopard is so very young and was always so sweet in the Third Trimester forum.

However, women agreed with her that should have had the maturity to have more sensitivity.

Surely, by a certain age, we have all been "humbled" by not achieveing at least one of heart's desires?

Not that it ever stops hurting no matter how many times your heart is broken.

 

[maddog37]

Thankyou ladies. I was fully expecting to lose a few limbs, good thing most of you have already eaten! I am readily able to admit that the post was utterly rude. I know my mistakes and failures; If I didn't an apology would not have followed. Thankyou for allowing me to be here.

Did any of you think 'I'm not going to be that person?' with regards to failure? As in, you never thought the ability to breastfeed would not be yours? I just feel like everything i life I've tried and failed at was expected to be failed, but I never expected to not be able to do the one thing, properly, that I was meant to do, iykwim?

lol I haven't read your other thread but now have no intention of doing so. I miss all the fun stuff being in a much later time zone than the UK ladies.

Anyway, I never went in with a plan, birth or afterwards. I thought, "if I can't produce milk, he'll go to formula." If that had happened, I think I'd have an easier time of it. I wasn't squirting out like the breastfeeding videos all show, but i had milk, I could pump 2 oz from each breast in the first week, though it would take a full hour. It was difficult but I could also get him to latch, so that also wasn't the main problem.

Our main problem was that he was just THAT lazy. Even while awake he wouldn't suck. There were various difficulties but no actual problem. That was what made it so difficult for me, because I was completely unprepared for that. We all think babies naturally suck, so there wasn't even anything I could do to fix the problem.

I really hate to say this because I'm sure she means well, but I do feel some anger towards my MIL for overstaying at the hospital when I kept saying I need to feed LO and angry at myself for not being assertive enough. She has wanted me to go to formula since before the birth, I feel bad for thinking this way but I felt she wanted to feed LO thus wanted me to go on formula and so couldn't be assed to leave so I could feed him because he never cried on the first day for food. By the time she left like 6 hours later, he was too exhausted from being kept awake most of that time to feed. And then he became too sleepy to feed, which made him too weak to feed later on. And it cycled on until he had his first formula. I've told DH that next baby, I will be more assertive about people who don't listen and he will have to back me up.

 

[Leopard]

You ladies are amazing. I never really realised that you all felt such guilt though, every formula feeder I know act so high and mighty and proud (and yes I mean high and mighty, here they are the equivelent of the bfing nazi on bnb etc ). I wonder if they just to that to hide the sadness?

I don't think I hate the formula itself, I just hate when it is pushed so hard at people. Especially in my case, they don't seem to realise I have a head, and a brain, and apparently a vagina since that's where bub came from, not out of a cabbage patch like they seem to assume I think.
My mum had to FF me after 1 week because out of nowhere she dried up. I was so ill from formula, even soy and lactose free made me ill. I had inner ear infections almost every month for the first 5yrs of my life, and then atleast once every year hence (I still get them) and my doctors attributed this directly to my formula feeding, so I have a more personal reason for not wanting DD on it, though they really gave me no choice in the matter (the manner in which they went about it will be recieving some severe complaints). They get sneaky now, feeding her when I pop outside.

Ugh, it's just so hard to get past the failure attitude. I too have friends that picked up breastfeeding soooo easily, and it has stayed that way. I just want to slap them somedays .
To make matters worse stress is majorly kicking my depression into gear, something I've been avoiding as much as I humanly could. Stuck in hospital, bub being sick, my heart broken from a failure of a goal, bub seeming totally out of sorts, them trying to set me to a strict routine, no sleep (5hrs sleep since wednesday ).

I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing ever works for me, I swear the gods are out to get me.

- Diagosed with ADHD, ADD and OCD when I was 5-8yrs old.
- Parents seperated when I was 11
-Babysitter and dad got engaged.
-Mum was depressed and didn't want anything to do with me.
-My sister moved away so I couldn't run away to her.
-Dad started going to the pub every night
-Step mum became abusive
-School became so hard due to bullying (ongoing since grade 3)
- Dad and step mum got married
- a few punch ups between me and dad (always my fault).
- at 15 my mum decided we could give our relationship another go, moved in with her.
-Within 3 months I'd lost my virginity, became and alcoholic and tried marujuana.
- 5 months living with mum she kicked me out.
-Moved in with a guy friend, slept with him.
-Didn't realise I was pregnant until he had moved and so had I
- Miscarried at 2 1/2 months, 7 days after my 16th bday
- Met a 'nice' fella and moved again, got engaged
- Got beat up, abused, used
- Ran away and ended up homeless
- Met an amazing guy, ended badly after a communication breakdown, he got deployed shortly after and lost his left hearing due to a bomb, my fault.
- Moved home to my dads, became completely withdrawn.
-Met Michael, current partner, fell head over heels.
- Moved in together
- Ended up having to have surgery for suspected appendicitis, turned out to be a ruptured ovarian cyst which had become infectious and had deteriorated some of my uterus wall.
-Was told after surgery oly 25% of falling pregnant.
-Conceived bub in February, found out in April.
-Measured ahead all the way up until 34 weeks.
-Stopped growing 34 weeks.
-Sent for growth scan 38 weeks- showed she'd stopped growing and had kidney problems annndd now here we are, still having growth problems.

Sorry I just needed to get that down, a few other things in the mix there but they are too depressing to mention. So you can see why the one thing I thought I could succeed at, and haven't, is making me so annoyed.
Gosh I rammble on don't I!

 

[MrsPOP]

You've been through a lot hun Im sorry to hear that. All I can say is dont bottle it up, express all what you feel. IMO thats the only way of getting over this, as starting this thread is what has helped me to get through it.

As far as the attitudes of some FFers go, Ive not seen many 'high and mighties' on here tbh. I have seen people being proud of FF and I say why the heck not? Not everyone makes the choice to try BF and I think that is fine. So I doubt everyone is trying to hide the sadness as you say. I think perhaps some people are more vocal about their FFing because they feel judged for doing so and no matter how uncomfortable or comfortable anyone is with their decision, getting judged for anything you do will piss you off, its only natural!

I am very sad about my experience, but Im not high and mighty or proud. I have tried a few times to share my experience to try an educate the more judgemental people on here about the implications of their comments. At the start I got told off by a couple of extended BFers for being oversensitive, so I thought I must be alone in how I feel or maybe I was being oversensitive. I now know how I feel is normal and thats thanks to this thread.

I think some BFers dont understand why FFers feel they way they do because BFers feel they are judged for things like NIP or extended BFing and I assume thats in the outside world because Ive never seen anyone being judged for BFing on here thankfully. I know the ladies on this thread and tbh most ladies on BnB are Pro-BF just as a lot of BFers arent Anti-FF.

Im very pro-BF and also pro-FF. Basically Im pro-feedingyourbaby full stop!

From the second I fell pregnant and joined the trimester boards I was highly aware of what I call 'competative mummying' and it ranged from good ol BF vs FF to CSecs make you less of a woman to epidurals are the devil etc etc etc...and I really didnt want to involve myself in that. Nobody is The Perfect Mother, no matter how 'crunchy' (I love that term!) a mother someone is...they will find something hard, make mistakes and may end up having to make a choice they have disagreed with in the past.