The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[sequeena]

Thankyou ladies. I was fully expecting to lose a few limbs, good thing most of you have already eaten! I am readily able to admit that the post was utterly rude. I know my mistakes and failures; If I didn't an apology would not have followed. Thankyou for allowing me to be here.

Did any of you think 'I'm not going to be that person?' with regards to failure? As in, you never thought the ability to breastfeed would not be yours? I just feel like everything i life I've tried and failed at was expected to be failed, but I never expected to not be able to do the one thing, properly, that I was meant to do, iykwim?

I have large breasts (42F) so I never imagined I would have problems. I thought I'd have so much milk I would be able to express the excess and freeze it. Ha.

 

[buddyIV]

I know I'm coming into this thread a little late, but I just wanted to extend some heart-felt gratitude to MrsPOP for starting it up, and for all the ladies for contributing their stories Thank you.

I struggled with intense feelings of guilt when I failed to BF for as long as I'd liked to. I managed 3+ months of BF (1 of which was combi, and an extra couple of weeks expressing what I could) but of that time, almost 10 weeks were just a matter of enduring extreme pain...it was utterly heartbreaking, as I know you all understand

It wasn't mastitas, it wasn't blocked ducts, it wasn't any latch problems, it was f***ing thrush of the nipple and milk ducts!!! I had NO idea that you could get thrush in your breasts, and I had no idea it could transfer to LO's mouth, asophogus, digestive tract and little bottom (thankfully it never got that far, but I put that down for stopping BF when his mouth got too sore to feed). Every feed started and ended with agony: like you've got burning glass coming out rather than milk. I used to cry not just while feeding, but for about 30 minutes after while the pain continued. I tried every cream, 3 courses of the pills that are meant to "cure" thrush, and LO had 6(!) rounds of nystatin. We spent the first few months of his life wrecked with anxiety, frustration, and battling constant pain. It was completely draining and without question got in the way of enjoying those first precious months.

I kept going as despite the pain I was in, he fed beautifully. But, then the thrush in his mouth got so, so bad that he ended up not being able to feed. He'd latch on, suck a few times and then begin to arch his back in pain, thrash around and scream. The moment he stopped being able to feed I thought: No More!!! It broke my heart, and the weight of the guilt crushed me for a good while, but as a prem baby on the lowest percentile, him getting sustenance was more important than my self-imposed Mothering goals.

I hated formula, I resented having to buy it, make up the bottles etc. I used to hide the tins in my shopping cart, and felt ashamed when I fed him in public. I felt envy towards all women who BF successfully, and then felt guilty for ever having negative feelings about someone wanting and giving their baby the best start in life.

Once we started weaning it got a little easier. We BLW and it has been one of the most fun experiences of Mothering so far; he LOVES his food!!! He quickly dropped bottles, and every fresh, homemade yummy meal he ate made me feel proud of myself as his Mother. Now he's 16 months old, healthy, happy and 100% awesome.

He doesn't judge me, he loves me, and I love him: that's what really matters in all of this.

One thing I can take from all of this is that sometimes life doesn't go the way you expected it to, and that choices are sometimes removed. This has stopped me from judging others on their parenting decisions, as I have no idea what they've been through to come to that decision. I am definitely a more empathetic person because of this, and for that much I am glad.

We are all just trying our hardest to do the best for our children, and that is something to be proud of!

 

[MrsPOP]

He doesn't judge me, he loves me, and I love him: that's what really matters in all of this.

One thing I can take from all of this is that sometimes life doesn't go the way you expected it to, and that choices are sometimes removed. This has stopped me from judging others on their parenting decisions, as I have no idea what they've been through to come to that decision. I am definitely a more empathetic person because of this, and for that much I am glad.

We are all just trying our hardest to do the best for our children, and that is something to be proud of!

I thought this was particularly lovely Buddy

 

[buddyIV]

I mean, seriously: THANK YOU for starting this thread! It's immeasurably helpful to hear from other's who understand the emotional horror-show of BF "failure" xxx

 

[MrsPOP]

Aw shucks Im just glad its helped other ladies, it damn sure has helped me

 

[Snugggs]

Welcome Leopard.... Yes, i too am aware of "the post", but you've had enough limbs eaten ... Sorry to hear you've been through the mill over the years. I like to think our babies are our silver lining

Hello ladies, Don't think i've been on here today as of yet. Hope you're all well and hello to the new ladies.

tina3747 - I understand what you say about the jealousy. I saw the HV yesterday, and we were chatting along with OH (they think i'm on the slippery slope to PND). But she ask me a very important question. One single question that has changed my whole perspective of the dreaded guilt...

"Is it not being able to BF that makes you sad, or the fact you had no choice in the decision of the outcome"

I spent all day thinking about this and it's true! It's not actually the breast feeding that i feel sad about not achieving (fully), it's the fact that i feel the choice to has been taken away from me. Nature was against me and i had no control in that.... and i think that is what sadens me most.
At least now i'm not so hung on the BF thing, i'm just pis*ed at nature instead

xx

 

[Kage76]

You ladies are amazing. I never really realised that you all felt such guilt though, every formula feeder I know act so high and mighty and proud (and yes I mean high and mighty, here they are the equivelent of the bfing nazi on bnb etc ). I wonder if they just to that to hide the sadness? !

isn't it funny- I would never associated a FF mum with being high and mighty- defensive as hell yes- but not high and mighty. I have never been questioned by a FF mum as to why i FF, but with every breastfeeding friend i have had to justify why i formula feed and at the end of the conversation I never feel that i have their understanding- just their pity and the unspoken-for want of a better word-accusation that i did not try hard enough.

I personally am very pro breastfeeding- i look at other women breastfeeding and i am very pleased to say i no longer resent those women- im happy for them that they have managed to do it, the difference is now i see a woman with a bottle i no longer assume that she made the "choice" to FF, and i hope other women give me the same courtesy. I hope that as my other friends and family have children i can give them support in either direction- by being a cheerleader or a support person, i promise to rejoice in their child not the way they are feeding them.

 

[MrsPOP]

Expanding further on the whole 'high and mighty proud FFers' thing...

I wonder how a FFer is supposed to act? Low and ashamed? Hiding away and not discussing their feelings and experiences? After all, although BFers face some terrible judgement in the outside world, but they have BF groups to go to. We dont. We have generic mum groups and the ones in my area are horrible.

 

[Kage76]

gah why is the way we feed our children so emotionally hard work on both sides- if you BF you have to deal with the whole "how dare you get your boobs out in public" and the pressure from some people to FF at the first sign of issues.

If you FF you are a bad parent for not giving the best start in life.

baby is fed and thriving. the end.

 

[Snuffy]

I have never felt bad about ff, but is does make me angry how so many people I know do feel guilty.

Most of all I get mad at the attitude you sometimes get that you are to be pitied if you ff after bf didn't work. I don't feel sorry for me, so why should a complete stranger?

 

[MrsPOP]

I dont want pity. I just dont want to be judged.

 

[prgirl_cesca]

It's weird i've never felt judgement in real life for my choice or pity. In fact there is a group of 6 of us who had babies close together (we went to aqua natal together) and 3 of us FF and 3 BF and there is no judgement on any side.

Weirdly the only time i've sensed judgement/pity and also anger towards how people feed their babies is on THIS site. Even other parenting forums i've gone on have never felt like it does here, although I have been a member on those sites for a long time and they're not strictly baby ones.

 

[Snuffy]

I too have only seen judgement on forums. I don't really pay attention to what's going on around me when I'm out and about though so if anyone was giving me the evil eye for having a bottle in my hand, I've never noticed lol.

 

[Snugggs]

Just a suggestion, as I to feel the same about judgment on this site.... But would it help maybe moving over to a fb group?... Maybe that would help take some of the pressure away knowing that it's private and not openly read... Then mommies from here can request to join

Xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Ooooh I dont know, its a possibility sure

Thing is, I created this thread not just for support but to try and dispel any judgemental feelings, to try and educate ladies about the minefields of BF failure. I dont feel the need to hide away anymore.

As for judgement, its mainly on this site Ive experienced but also did experience it in my baby massage group, hence why I never went back and never go to any baby groups now.

 

[vintage67]

The internet is such a strange thing. My husband and I were talking about this yesterday. People feel like they can say anything to someone, because in real life, some of this stuff would get you a punch in the face!

And it isn't just BnB; it was like this when I had my son 7 years ago for sure, on internet forums, and it seems to be like this on every forum I have ever looked at.

What depresses me is thinking this is the brutal honesty that even the non-judgemental acting BF mothers in real life actually have, but are too polite to say.

And yes some of it is so silly! Some women were complaining that cute babies were used in formula ads! First off, where do you find a "non-cute" baby and secondly, I guess they should show a kid miserable and frowning as he gulps down his WHO sanctioned "4th best nutrition".

 

[Snugggs]

Completely makes sense mrspop... We shall not run and hind! **stomps foot, pulls shoulders back and lifts chin**...

You and your oh are right vintage, it's quite shocking how brash and braisen people are on line.

I can't remember if I'd put it on a previous post, but I've moved max onto comfort milk the passed few days which has settled the reflux so much, but even better news is we've finally been discharged from the midwife ... In 2 and a half weeks he's gone from 4lb3oz to 5lb2oz... Little porker lol

Xx

 

[MrsPOP]

The internet is such a strange thing. My husband and I were talking about this yesterday. People feel like they can say anything to someone, because in real life, some of this stuff would get you a punch in the face!

And it isn't just BnB; it was like this when I had my son 7 years ago for sure, on internet forums, and it seems to be like this on every forum I have ever looked at.

What depresses me is thinking this is the brutal honesty that even the non-judgemental acting BF mothers in real life actually have, but are too polite to say.

And yes some of it is so silly! Some women were complaining that cute babies were used in formula ads! First off, where do you find a "non-cute" baby and secondly, I guess they should show a kid miserable and frowning as he gulps down his WHO sanctioned "4th best nutrition".

Absolutely. To some people, they feel FF mums should hide behind closed doors and pay penance to The Goddess of Perfect Motherhood for using formula and the FF kids need to be constantly miserable because their lazy-ass mothers are pouring liquid asbestos down their throats.

And thats why I made my previous point. Instead of judging FF mums and arguing in BF vs FF threads...ALL mothers both BF and FF should unite an put pressure on the government to provide better postnatal support for new mummies in general but particularly with BFing so that BF rates are better. They can fund all the bloody BF posters and billboards they want but that wont increase BF rates, helping the poor mums out will do so! I know there are circumstances where BF would never work out but there are also circumstances that with support it could have worked out and therein lies the real problem. Formula will never go away and FF will never cease, so judging on FF mums is a pointless waste of time IMO.

 

[MrsPOP]

Snugggs Im glad Max is doing better. I have every sympathy, reflux is a bitch.

 

[sequeena]

Afternoon ladies I wanted to cry again tpray when Thomas started crying in town for a feed and I had to give him a bottle

I suppose I'm kind of lucky for where I live. Bf is the minorty and I've never seen a woman bf here. Most mums here are underage or typical dole bums. Part of me feels glad sometimes because I don't like drawing attention (not that you have to when you bf of course) but I still feel so sad

And yes, I've only encountered judgement online. When pregnant and asked if I would ff I got strange looks when I said I would like to bf.