The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[vintage67]

This thread has taken a very unfortunate turn and has apparerently resulted in some members developing spontaneous multiple personality disorder, a strange internet condition where you sing one song in one forum and a vastly different one in another.

Sad that it seemed like myself and others had a "place" to post and then got breastmilk squirted all over it.

 

[tina3747]

Mrs pop!
The blinkie thing you were talking about, yes that's so true! I've never really thought about it much till then. As I said in my post, I honesly don't feel guilty I stopped at 6 weeks. Those last few days of looking at my boy with dislike chills me, so I've so much empathy for those who feel guilt xxx BUT ! The blinkie thing, I remember thinking at the time, if someone responded to a thread if mine with a bf champion, super power , or 2 month bf blinkie I convinced myself they were tring to wind me up! My head was so f*clef up I honesly believed they were responding to show me the blinkies! I must have been ga ga!! I remember sat on google trying to find out if my labetelol and neffedipine had gone through to my milk and were burning his mouth( yes really!) as he'd latch perfect,
suck 3 times and scream his head off for 15 minutes! (and yes ladies I tried expressing
some off first!)

 

[vintage67]

Hmm. Yes. Now what exactly is the opposite of a "champion?"

 

[vintage67]

As far as the meds go, it is still up to YOU the mother to decide the risk.

If the manufacturer of a drug says it passes into breastmilk and you feel uncomfortable, "some woman on the internet" saying it is safe isn't exactly the word of god.

Yes, I am aware of the Hale site.

But ultimately, the mother has to weigh that risk on an individual basis.

I went through this in my pregnancy with my heart medication and some antibiotics my doctor prescribed.

This past November when I was in the hospital for 11 days, seperated from my week old baby, I was getting mixed messages at first about pumping and dumping. Of course, afer they shot dye through my veins, CT scanned me 3 times, gave me an MRI, and my little dabs of pumped breast milk looked neon green, I think that settled it.

One of the lactation consultants brought me a massive bag of bottles to send breastmilk home with my husband. The size of those bottles! Two pregnancies and enough pumping to make my aereolas peel never produced that kind of milk! One of those little bottles is laughable!

One night in the hospital I became very despondent and had barely eaten all day. I was crazed from high fevers and missing my baby. My husband over panicked and asked them to sedate me. They gave me Klonopin! Good grief!
Like using a sledgehammer to put in a tack! It sent my respiration so low in the middle of the night that I had to get oxygen.

I am currently taking an "iffy" heart medication and "iffy" diabetic medication.
But since the well is dry, it's a non issue.

And Mrs. Pop, you gave me good advice on putting my breast pump away. But here it still sits by the laptop from dragging it out last week and pumping like a mad woman for hours and oversleeping, and making my 7 year old miss a spelling test at school. If I listen really hard, I think the pump is mocking me. I see it and a ton of quotes from this website and others start playing in my head.
We took our son to the doctor yesterday and when the nurse asked if we were still breastfeeding, I went into a hyper answer talking a mile a minute.
She finally said, "It's okay, it's okay...I just have to ask."

I think Im going to need some therapy again this time.

 

[tina3747]

As far as the meds go, it is still up to YOU the mother to decide the risk.

If the manufacturer of a drug says it passes into breastmilk and you feel uncomfortable, "some woman on the internet" saying it is safe isn't exactly the word of god.

Yes, I am aware of the Hale site.

But ultimately, the mother has to weigh that risk on an individual basis.

I went through this in my pregnancy with my heart medication and some antibiotics my doctor prescribed.

This past November when I was in the hospital for 11 days, seperated from my week old baby, I was getting mixed messages at first about pumping and dumping. Of course, afer they shot dye through my veins, CT scanned me 3 times, gave me an MRI, and my little dabs of pumped breast milk looked neon green, I think that settled it.

One of the lactation consultants brought me a massive bag of bottles to send breastmilk home with my husband. The size of those bottles! Two pregnancies and enough pumping to make my aereolas peel never produced that kind of milk! One of those little bottles is laughable!

One night in the hospital I became very despondent and had barely eaten all day. I was crazed from high fevers and missing my baby. My husband over panicked and asked them to sedate me. They gave me Klonopin! Good grief!
Like using a sledgehammer to put in a tack! It sent my respiration so low in the middle of the night that I had to get oxygen.

I am currently taking an "iffy" heart medication and "iffy" diabetic medication.
But since the well is dry, it's a non issue.

And Mrs. Pop, you gave me good advice on putting my breast pump away. But here it still sits by the laptop from dragging it out last week and pumping like a mad woman for hours and oversleeping, and making my 7 year old miss a spelling test at school. If I listen really hard, I think the pump is mocking me. I see it and a ton of quotes from this website and others start playing in my head.
We took our son to the doctor yesterday and when the nurse asked if we were still breastfeeding, I went into a hyper answer talking a mile a minute.
She finally said, "It's okay, it's okay...I just have to ask."

I think Im going to need some therapy again this time.

The meds were for eclampsia ( which I actually think I've diagnosed myself since as HELP syndrome!) so they're pretty normal drugs for a new mother to be on. I was just on a huge amount and convinced myself they must be making my milk wrong . Just one of the many random googles I did at that time!!

 

[vintage67]

I know what you mean. With my first son when my aereolas peeled like that, Dr. Google and I became convinced I had paget's syndrome, a type of breast cancer! So, off I went for a mammogram.

 

[kermie219]

DOn't feel guilty at all! You're a wonderful mama and given your baby the best start ever! I'm a bf'er but I honestly think that it's not for every baby and as long as your baby is fed and loved it really does not matter. Having a hungry screaming baby and a stressed mommy does not make a happy family. Now you can continue on getting to know your child and not have the constant worry Be proud of yourself for putting your baba and family first. xxx

 

[MrsPOP]

Patch Im glad you understood that I wasnt trying to be mean. I definately understand that blinke is a reflection of that time as I had an EMCS as well and I think if I had managed to BF after that hell I would have felt the same probably. I also struggle with the 'natural birth' or 'water birth' or 'med free birth' blinkies. Even like though I know its not the intention of the poster (well I hope not anyway) it feels like they're going 'nah nah nah nah nah I did it the right way, you suck!!!!'.

Argh. See this is the thing, the pressures on women to conform to a certain way as soon as that bfp appears but for me, the biggest pressure came from myself!

 

[Snugggs]

I've been fighting some demons the passed few days (even after my "wiping the slate clean" post the other evening).... So I've not been around, but I wanted to send you all big .

I've been a right nana the last couple of. Didn't want to bother you ladies with it, but the funniest statement to oh had to be, in telling him about this thread and my post.... "I can't even fail properly *continued to sob*" ... LOl

Have a lovely day everyone xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Snugggs...you bother us with whatever you want to hon, thats what ths thread is for! Hope you're ok xxxx

 

[Snugggs]

Thank you mrspop I think what held me back from posting was more because I was just falling sorry for myself, and I want sure my attitude would have done anyone any good.

I have had a good chat with the hv though (I usually don't listen to them but mine is lovely)..and I'm feeling much more positive today.

Also, right behind you on the blinkie thing, very upsetting most if the time.....although, I'd quite like a blinkie that tells me how much money I've saved on breast pads. Recon I'm quids in

Xxx

 

[Lina]

I may not belong here, in fact I don't feel I belong in neither feeding sections but here is my story. Breastfeeding failed for me too and can identify with all of the feelings on this board. But expressing worked, I failed at giving birth naturally after a long induction which ended in a emcs. I couldn't control those events, my babies heart decelerated soon after the drip, I was flat on my back hooked on machines that monitored his heart rate over 24 hours and at 7cm dilation he was 'stuck' (LOP) But, I could control my feeding method albeit it was the hardest thing having to not only produce the milk, sterilise, serve all whilst recovering from major surgery. I now have enough milk stored to last him till he is 1 and have stopped expressing and it still makes me sad as I wanted to continue till he self weaned. All we women can do is our best and sometimes this doesn't work quite how we want it but someone who has tried has never failed.

 

[MrsPOP]

Lina, nobody 'doesnt belong' here, everyone is welcome. Is kinda why I created the thread because I didnt feel I belonged anywhere! If anyone feels guilt, no matter how far along the line the BF journey you got, if you are struggling with personal feelings about what has happened to you, this is the place to talk about it.

And snugggs, hey Im the queen of feeling sorry for myself so dont worry! You mightnt think sharing whatever you were feeling wouldnt have helped others but it would have helped YOU and thats very important

 

[Snuffy]

MrsPOP, your OP could have been written by me, right down the percentage of weight your LO lost. Unlike you though I didn't even try to continue but switched to formula on day 4 at 3am after a 2 hour screaming session over bf (Amy, not me, although I wasn't much better). I haven't regretted it for a moment and apart from an initial attempt at bf straight after birth, Ollie has been ff because I just didn't want to chance having a baby in that state again.

I don't consider myself a failure and you tried much, MUCH harder than me, so no way are you a failure. None of us are, however our babies are fed, they are being nourished, are thriving and are loved and happy.

xx

 

[Pinky12]

Huge hugs ladies. I know its what I need at the min lol

 

[Mrs.Nerd]

I've only joined this thread at the last page, and haven't caught up on all the posts. Just wanted to join in really because I STILL feel bad about not bf'ing.

Brief story is that I had quite a difficult delivery which ended with me having a 3rd degree tear and having to go off to surgery for stitches, which took an hour. I don't know if this contributed, but my first attempt at bf was a good few hours after my boy was born, and my notes said 'not interested in feeding'. I couldn't get him to latch on. On my third day in hospital, and after 6 hours sleep throughout those 3 days, I decided enough was enough: there wasn't enough staff there to give me the vast amount of support I needed and I wanted to go home. So we are full time FF.

Every time I see a woman bf'ing I feel SO jealous. My sister is a bf pro, and she has a 4 month old, so I feel worse about it. I also had a very good supply (runs in the family, and I'm still leaking occasionally).

I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself of the advantages (such as today when DH did the 3am feed, I did the 7am feed, went back to bed 9.30-11.30 while DH fed him), but I would much rather BF.

My mum has told me I've got to stop feeling bad about bf'ing: she is 1 of 6, and 2 of them were FF for various reasons, so she has said that even the same mum doesn't/can't always BF their babies.

But I still feel really bad about not trying a little harder, maybe at least until my milk had come in properly.

 

[MrsPOP]

Pinky12 here's loads of ...is there anything we can do to help?

 

[Aaa77]

I love you for making this thread...made me feel so much better...I'll be back later to share my story.

 

[daddiesgift]

We cant live in guilt the rest of our lives. I felt horrible at first mostly over things I read and I was scared of what people may think of me. Stupid I know. But at some point you just have to let it go and say I tried, it did not work out for whatever reason, my child is still perfect, healthy and smart. I saw a quote the other day that I really liked

"There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there is a million ways to be a good one"

You do not win a medal for breast feeding your child, when they get older will they love you any less for not bfing them? I did not know I was breast fed till I got pregnant with my own child and asked my mother. You are just as a good mother as a mother who breast feeds her child! I never liked breast feeding. I went into it thinking it would be some magical bonding experience that would make my child have no problems and make me feel wonderful for doing it. But it just did not work out that way and Im fine with that now. Latching killed me every time, even when I got help. It made me an emotional wreck that balled her head off even when it wasnt hurting. I had blisters that turned into cracks that bled into my childs mouth and face when I breast fed and people just told me "Its fine, a little blood never hurt anyone. Your nipples will toughen up eventually" after a month of it not happening and having mastitis in both breasts, emergency room visits, hoping my child wouldnt wake up cause I knew it just meant me hurting and crying the whole time. Feeding every hour every day and every two hours every night. My husband was deployed whole time so for 6 weeks I hardly ever slept I truely felt insane. I had to do everything by myself I could not spend every minute of every day feeding my child. I stopped breast feeding and since Ive cried TWICE when I would cry twice and hour while I bf.

I feel more of a bond with my son now then I ever did then, Ill never listen to anyone ever again tell me I should have waited longer, tried harder. I hated it plan and simple. In my case happy mommy means happy baby. He is just as healthy, smart and handsome as he was with a boob in his mouth as he is with a bottle in it. And when I did feel guilt what helped me was thinking of the good things of not bfing.

1. I do not get looked at weird by strangers for breast feeding in public or my car or in the bath room.

2. I do not have children coming up to me asking what im doing or trying to pull cover up

3. I can go places alone, sleep in, sleep at night and have other people feed him other having to come get me or pump before hand.

4. I dont leak all the time like I did

5. I dont have to worry about clogged ducts, mastitis

6. My son can hold a bottle and fed himself while I do other things

I LOVE FORMULA FEEDING!!!

I do not plan on breast feeding the next child at all. When my milk comes in Ill pump but I will combo feed with formula, when I dry up Ill dry up and not worry about it at all. "At least they got something" is what I was always told. So no breast feeding for me EVER AGAIN. I wish everyone could not listen to what others say and feel comfortable in their situation though I understand it does take time to feel that way. But I really wish no one would beat themselves up for what happened whether it be they never got milk, baby wouldnt latch, they just didnt want to do it. Formula is NOT poison

 

[Pinky12]

I got myself all stressed and flustered earlier today. I was making soup and my little one woke up (oh was out) and whilst stopping making the soup I had to warm up lo's bottle and she started screaming. I picked her up and continued to get her bottle out the fridge and shook it for it to go everywhere! It annoyed me as if I was bf then it wouldn't of happened. My oh had been outbfor quite a long time (although saying he wouldn't be) so as he came in which is whilst I was feeding I let go at him passed him my lo and then burst into tears!

Stupid bottles!