The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Snugggs]

I've had a very hungy caterpillar panel from Victoria Slinglady ... i love it. I was a little worried about my scar too only being a month ago, but i guess i have weight on my side. It's not so bad only carrying 5lb

x

 

[MrsPOP]

That sounds fab!!!! I love the Very Hungry Catapillar!!!!

 

[victoriav]

I hated breastfeeding. There. I've said it.

......And breathe....

 

[Snuffy]

My milk never came in with Amy. I thought I was destined to be one of the people who just didn't make milk. I had no breast development in pregnancy, no changes after she was born and we stopped trying after a 3am screaming fit on our first night home. People on forums made me feel like a liar who was making up excuses for giving up. But the fact remained that my milk never came in - I didn't get so much as a twinge.

With Ollie, my pregnancy was the same with no breast development. We had a go at a first bf in hospital after he was born but he just wasn't interested and after my previous experience I was happy to give him formula. They told me my milk would still come in and to take paracetamol for the pain. I said I doubted it because it hadn't happened before.

However, once we got home, in the middle of the night, Ollie made a lunge for my boob. I thought if he wants a go let him try. He latched on for a couple of minutes and this happened over the next couple of nights but it felt like more of a comfort thing as he didn't appear to be getting anything. Then a couple of days ago my breasts did feel fuller, although not painful. Then I had boob leakage - this is unprecedented for me, never experienced it before. He's only interested at night though, and whilst I now think he's getting something, it can't possibly be much as he still chugs his 3oz of formula afterwards.

I have discussed it with my MW and basically she said that if I was determined to then it's still possible to change from ff to bf, but otherwise to carry on as we are and let him get some goodness from breast milk until it stops naturally.

I have thought about it long and hard and whilst I can see the benefits of trying to change to bf, I can't help but feel that I just don't have the energy or passion to try and make the switch to exclusive bf. I have a 3 year old to run around after, I am recovering from a c section, my BP is playing silly buggers and I am now being monitored for a week with the possibility of being put on medication for it if it doesn't stabilise, and I suppose there is also an element of however expensive and faffy it may be, ff is what I know. Plus Ollie just seems to like playing around half heartedly with bf at night anyway. Does that make me an awful person? I'm just not sure what to do.

 

[kimini26]

That doesn't make you an awful person, it makes you a reasonable one. It sounds like you've thought this through and are pretty comfortable with your decision. I still try to put Emma to the breast on occasion but it never works out. I keep wondering if I'm missing some super secret magical bonding type thing. I sure hope not, lol.

 

[Lawhra]

Not a bad person Snuffy. You are giving your baby what he wants when he wants it. Switching to just breast wouldn't be easy and you know your heart's not in it so you are doing the right thing. I think it's lovely that you are giving him the nightly breast feeds he asks for

Kimini - I formula fed my first after failing to breast feed and am exclusively breast feeding this LO so have experience of both and I can tell you the bond is different. But, for me, in the way you feel more attached because you're their food source and comfort. I have an amazing bond with my baby, but I had an amazing bond with my first baby too! And still do

 

[vintage67]

 

[buddyIV]

Not a bad person Snuffy. You are giving your baby what he wants when he wants it. Switching to just breast wouldn't be easy and you know your heart's not in it so you are doing the right thing. I think it's lovely that you are giving him the nightly breast feeds he asks for

Kimini - I formula fed my first after failing to breast feed and am exclusively breast feeding this LO so have experience of both and I can tell you the bond is different. But, for me, in the way you feel more attached because you're their food source and comfort. I have an amazing bond with my baby, but I had an amazing bond with my first baby too! And still do

Regarding the quote in bold: I know you're coming from a good place here, but....

The bond is different for you - in your experience of feeding your two children. You can't state it like an objective fact, when it's a totally unique, subjective and personal experience. I do realise that you go on to say that "for you" you feel more attached, and I appreciate that you recognise that this is subjective and not objective. A FF mother is also the source of food and comfort. She can create the strongest of bonds between her and her child through love and devotion. You know this, as you've had experiences with both.

I do appreciate that you've said the bond is different, which isn't the same as saying it is better. However, mentioning that you feel more attached isn't going to boost the morale of women struggling to come to terms with not BF for as long as they'd hoped to. We're very sensitive to these things!

I BF for 3+ months, I did not feel the beautiful love and bond I had with my son altered when I gave him milk in a bottle. That is my experience.

 

[BabyBoo36]

Not a bad person Snuffy. You are giving your baby what he wants when he wants it. Switching to just breast wouldn't be easy and you know your heart's not in it so you are doing the right thing. I think it's lovely that you are giving him the nightly breast feeds he asks for

Kimini - I formula fed my first after failing to breast feed and am exclusively breast feeding this LO so have experience of both and I can tell you the bond is different. But, for me, in the way you feel more attached because you're their food source and comfort. I have an amazing bond with my baby, but I had an amazing bond with my first baby too! And still do

Regarding the quote in bold: I know you're coming from a good place here, but....

The bond is different for you - in your experience of feeding your two children. You can't state it like an objective fact, when it's a totally unique, subjective and personal experience. I do realise that you go on to say that "for you" you feel more attached, and I appreciate that you recognise that this is subjective and not objective. A FF mother is also the source of food and comfort. She can create the strongest of bonds between her and her child through love and devotion. I think telling someone otherwise is rather unfair...why would you want a fellow Mother to feel like she is missing a connection with her baby, or may not be as attached?

I BF for 3+ months, I did not feel the love and bond I had with my son altered when I gave him milk in a bottle. That is my experience.

Totally agree with Buddy.

 

[vintage67]

As evidenced above I was quite hurt by that last night, and also worried that kimmi would be hurt as well.

Well said buddy.

 

[darkangel1981]

Bonding is about so so much more than boobies.

 

[fides]

okay, i had posted about the below before, but my post didn't make it to this thread.

some of the women in this thread have expressed how much they are hurt by blinkies that say things like "BF champion" or "I make milk, what's your superpower?" These blinkies can be especially hurtful in a thread such as this one. If someone's signature tickers/blinkies are inappropriate to a particular thread they are posting in, there is a little check-box below the quick reply that you can un-check: "Show your signature." It's just a matter of decency and respect.

I have turned my signature off several times if I felt it would be inappropriate to display it in a particular thread - for example, if someone's thread is about how their husband/fiance/boyfriend is cheating on her and leaving her, i'd turn off my signature if I posted in her thread b/c she doesn't need to see "happily married" thrown in her face when I go in to post - that's just not what she needs to see in that thread.

Similarly, it is great that some BF'ers are wanting to contribute to the discussion in this thread, but if your ticker has language like "champion" or "superpower," it might be best to just turn that sucker off when posting in here. The feelings of regret/guilt/sadness over not being able to BF run pretty deep, so again, it's just a matter of decency.

Just sayin'.

Thanks.

 

[fides]

edit: nvm

 

[patch2006uk]

okay, i had posted about the below before, but my post didn't make it to this thread.

some of the women in this thread have expressed how much they are hurt by blinkies that say things like "BF champion" or "I make milk, what's your superpower?" These blinkies can be especially hurtful in a thread such as this one. If someone's signature tickers/blinkies are inappropriate to a particular thread they are posting in, there is a little check-box below the quick reply that you can un-check: "Show your signature." It's just a matter of decency and respect.

I have turned my signature off several times if I felt it would be inappropriate to display it in a particular thread - for example, if someone's thread is about how their husband/fiance/boyfriend is cheating on her and leaving her, i'd turn off my signature if I posted in her thread b/c she doesn't need to see "happily married" thrown in her face when I go in to post - that's just not what she needs to see in that thread.

Similarly, it is great that some BF'ers are wanting to contribute to the discussion in this thread, but if your ticker has language like "champion" or "superpower," it might be best to just turn that sucker off when posting in here. The feelings of regret/guilt/sadness over not being able to BF run pretty deep, so again, it's just a matter of decency.

Just sayin'.

Thanks.

Never think to turn my signature off - always surprises me that other people actually pay much attention to it tbh.

Also, just a quick note to say - my signature now contains ducks, not superpowers

Oh, and the 'bonding' thing. It's all in the hormones, and only really the first feed. BFing does release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), as does labour, and orgasm. Skin to skin contact also releases the hormone. So all the 'bond' stuff to do with BFing is that after the whirlwind of birth, if you BF once, it helps your body recognise your baby, as the hormones released help you to fall ;in love' with them.

I think it's a real misnomer, and does imply that BF babies are somehow more bonded with their parents, which is obviously bull. All it means is that literally in those first hours after birth, it helps your poor addled brain realise your baby is alive and well and here.

If you FF and hold your baby close during feeding and at other times, the same hormones are released. Maybe not in quite the same concentration as if you BF, as you get the double hit of skin contact and the feeding itself, but as close as makes no difference

 

[vintage67]

I was thinking about putting, "What? You only have ONE superpower?" in my signature.

 

[kimini26]

I've thought about the whole bonding thing pretty much all day. I've decided that any chance at feeling that special something or other was pretty much trashed when my daughter latched on for all of 3 seconds right after delivery and it triggered the most awful afterpains that were every bit as bad as labor. I spent the next 24 hours dreading each attempt at breastfeed because of those pains. As I mentioned before I do still try to get her to latch on on occasion, but have discovered I get really upset really quickly when it doesn't work. And even when it does I don't feel any different. I have a wonderful bond with my daughter regardless. I'm not sure what I was expecting, fireworks or glitter farts, but I do feel a little let down that there wasn't something more special about nursing than bottle feeding for me. Too much hype I suppose

 

[Lina]

The blinky I can't stand are the ones that go along the line of 'c-section mummy, cut with love', what is loving about a several inch scar that cuts through skin, muscle, fat, abdomen and uterus But they are not that common, thank god.

 

[kimini26]

We could make a new one along the lines of : "Vaginal Delivery Mummy, Stretched beyond all recognition with Love"

 

[Eala]

Maybe those women are trying to find something positive in what may have been a very traumatic and difficult choice to make? Maybe they weren't even given the choice? That cut may have been made to save the baby's life, or the mother's. I'm having an ELCS because it will give me the best chance of not being so psychologically damaged that I'm unable to see my child as a positive thing. Sure, maybe the surgeon isn't doing anything "lovingly", but the choice for me has been made out of wanting the best for both myself and my baby - does that not come from love?

 

[Lina]

I had emcs, but I still hate it sorry.