The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Snuffy]

MrsPop

 

[queenlavera]

Wishing a speedy recovery for your mom Mrs.Pop.

 

[queenlavera]

Dragonhawk, I believe that our mental and physical well-being is most important to properly be able to care for our little ones. So you definitely made the right decision, I also pumped and supplemented with bm until a few days ago when I saw that drops where coming and that was it. Lots of hugs hun!

 

[Rabbittchild]

Mrs POP I'm sorry to hear about your mum and her PE, I hope she's as ok as she can be Thank you again for creating this thread, I wish I had found it 3 months ago.

I had always planned to BF, went to classes, read books, didn't buy bottles/formula/steriliser as I wanted to give myself the best chance. Sadly a cat 1 c-sec under a general anaesthetic, anaemia, mastitis, and my LO having an undiagnosed tongue-tie made that all pretty impossible for us.

I tried so freaking hard, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and despite asking constantly "is this normal" I got told the extreme pain I felt when breast feeding was. Things got to a breaking point when my daughter was a week old and I was hugely engorged and she was struggling to feed. I was told to express off some of the milk and use nipple shields. I got a lactation consultant in, she snipped the tongue tie but at this point I was getting really ill with mastitis. Then I had a "charming" male mw come out and tell me because I had to supplement with formula that day, I wasn't trying hard enough. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at this point, My DH nearly threw him out.

I then went on to be readmitted to hospital for IV antibiotics and spent 4 days apart from my LO. We tried to breastfeed when I got back home but we just couldn't get the latch right despite help. The HV who came out to see me said I would feel better if I made a decision rather than trying to put myself through all this mental anguish trying to do something that in reality I didn't have a hope in hell of doing, given our starting position. I think she, like my DH was worried I was heading for PND. She was right - I made the decision to FF Poppy and then we were both happier - feeding was no longer a battle. I continued to express but with the intent of winding down my supply and gradually we switched to FF solely.

I have to say I still get breast feeding envy, I miss it and I just wish I could have done it for the both of us and even though I know I tried and I have been told others with half our issues would have given up I still feel like I've failed. I hate getting my bottles out in public to feed her, which is daft - those bottles could contain EBM, it just wasn't supposed to be this way.

I'm glad to find that I'm not the only person out there that feels grief, I had been thinking I was just mental. huge to everyone.

 

[Snugggs]

I'm glad to find that I'm not the only person out there that feels grief, I had been thinking I was just mental. huge to everyone.

to you... it's amazing isn't how we always feel so alone and the only one when faced with this type of thing. I too was happy to learn that there are others and i'm not just crazy

x

 

[Rabbittchild]

Snuggs, I noticed in your signature it says "knotted cord survivor" can I ask about your story? A knot in the cord was why I had my section. Was only afterwards they realised the cord had a "true knot" in so as she was descending it was getting pulled tighter and tighter and that was why she went bradycardic :/

Sorry for hijacking the thread everyone!

 

[sequeena]

Oh Laura I'm so sorry

 

[vintage67]

Mrs. Pop

 

[MrsPOP]

I'm home now, mum has pneumonia not a blood clot. I'm exhausted and just

 

[jojo2012]

Hopefully with some fluids and antibiotics she'll soon be feeling better. Hope you're ok. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that things get better. Xxoo

 

[wiiwidow]

Sorry to hear your mum is so poorly MrsPop! hugs xx

RC good to see you here how are you and gorgeous Poppy? Xx

 

[ChocolateKate]

ChocolateKate, Im sorry to hear your husband has been putting pressure on you. Have you managed to sort that out?

You know I have no clue where my damn pump is, I never want to see that bloody thing again but s'pose I will come no2...if we ever have one of course!

I will try to keep this brief but yes, the 'husband pressure' didn't help. He would be horrified to know I'm typing this and he is a wonderful man. He insists on getting up with our daughter in the night as he sees it as special time between the two of them, with him working all day.

However, when I started having feeding problems I can honestly say I wouldn't have exclusively expressed for four weeks if he hadn't been so adamant about BF. As much as I wanted my daughter to have EBM, I never fed her and I resented them both whilst I was married to the pump. As I got an abscess I also associate this with the pump not effectively draining my breast. Irrational I know, but I blamed my husband for keeping up the pressure and making me persevere. He maintained that 'he was the voice of my daughter, the voice of what was best for her' and when I was in hospital he suggested I still pump from the other breast. As some of you will know, I was close to septicaemia and very very poorly.

I have had to talk to him for hours and hours to 'try and get over' some of his comments. I have said given what happened to me and that I've lost half the ducts in one breast that I cannot risk even trying to BF again. He reckons I must for the health of our child and that the consultant never said anything about an increased risk in future. Despite wanting to wait a few years, I have regrettably given him an ultimatum: if he wants another child, he must accept that child will be formula fed. His argument is, 'but what if it's all fine next time?'. I honestly don't know where my heads at but in the stress of trying to feed at the beginning, I couldn't believe some of the things my husband was coming out with and even my GP was horrified and concerned about the 'family pressure'. I personally blame the vile woman at our antenatal class who rammed down our throats that formula is supposedly the 'fourth best thing' you can give your baby.

X

 

[ChocolateKate]

Mrs POP - I replied without reading the rest of the thread. Love and healing thoughts to you and your Mum. X

 

[mushypea]

Hope your mum makes a speedy recovery, Mrs POP

 

[prgirl_cesca]

I hope your mum makes a quick recovery Mrs POP.

Kate - I totally understand where you're coming from (ironically I have the opposite resentment towards my husband in that he put too much pressure on me to go out and do things so whenever Luca needed feeding it just became easier to switch to bottles because it was such a struggle to get him to breastfeed) and I think you've done the right thing by telling him no. I mean, have you both really discussed how close you were to being seriously ill? How absolutely awful and painful it is to have a breast abscess and look after a child? My husband and I don't really mention it much because it's still quite upsetting for me to talk about, but a month or so ago he really said how scared he was and he only told me the other day that he cried when I was admitted to hospital for the operation. So it's worth communicating with him regularly and maybe then he'll see how much of a risk it is for you to bf again, not just the potential of more abscesses but to your mental health.

I had another blip today!! I work in a hotel and there was a couple there with their teeny baby. I am based at reception to I got chatting to them because they have the same pram and they told me their son was 5 days old and he was their first. Then about 15 mins later she started breastfeeding him and it was just so normal for her, she was just chatting to her friends whilst regularly looking at him to make sure he was still drinking. At 5 days in!!!!!! 5 days in with Luca I was in so much pain I couldn't have spoken to anyone and whenever he pulled away his mouth was covered in my blood.

I got quite upset and frustrated at this woman because it was so bloody easy for her. Then I calmed myself down and remembered that every woman is different and so is every baby *and breathe*

 

[fides]

i haven't had time to catch up on everyone - sorry - to those who need it.

just wanted to share something positive. Until recently, i always called formula formula - e.g. "okay, baby, you wait here and mommy's going to go make you some formula." well, i decided to start a few baby signs early, and one is for milk, not formula. so, i started calling it milk and saying that with the hand motion, e.g. - "would you like me to make you some milk now?"

for some reason, just changing the word from formula to milk when talking to my baby has had such a HUGE positive impact for me emotionally - i really feel so much better about all of it.

Formulas are things math students use to work out problems with pencil and paper; milk is a food that babies eat.

just thought i would share - it's helped me, so maybe it will help some of you.

 

[buddyIV]

i haven't had time to catch up on everyone - sorry - to those who need it.

just wanted to share something positive. Until recently, i always called formula formula - e.g. "okay, baby, you wait here and mommy's going to go make you some formula." well, i decided to start a few baby signs early, and one is for milk, not formula. so, i started calling it milk and saying that with the hand motion, e.g. - "would you like me to make you some milk now?"

for some reason, just changing the word from formula to milk when talking to my baby has had such a HUGE positive impact for me emotionally - i really feel so much better about all of it.

Formulas are things math students use to work out problems with pencil and paper; milk is a food that babies eat.

just thought i would share - it's helped me, so maybe it will help some of you.

I like your thinking fides! The word "formula" has so many negative connotations for some of us, that to substitute it for the term "milk" is a strikingly positive thing to do! Milk is exactly what babies get, and your giving your child milk (and thankfully not a resolution to a Math problem!).

Love your avatar by the way: your LO is gorgeous! x

 

[buddyIV]

Oh, sorry, just wanted to add: Someone asked me today if I BF my LO, and I just said "yes, I did, but I don't now".

This might seem like an entirely innocuous statement, but it was sincerely one of the first times that I've been able to say that I'd stopped BF without having to qualify it with a massive diatribe about how long I managed to last, how bad things got, how much I've grieved, and then try and justify how stopping was ok by pointing out how freaking awesome my son is!

It just felt like a breakthrough for me, and I know that this thread is the reason for it.

Thanks ladies

 

[Rabbittchild]

MrsPOP glad it's not a PE and I hope your mum feels better soon xxx

I'm doing ok thanks wiiwidow :wave:

I have to say I have always said "I'll make your milk" I never call it formula but I do say "make your bottles" maybe just saying milk instead of bottles is also a positive step. I've started calling it "poppy milk" though which is slightly bizarre

I was at a baby play class yesterday and deliberately didn't feed Poppy because I was the only FF mum there (she wasn't starved, don't worry, but I could have fed her there rather than at home when she had started to cry for it. I also felt very conspicuous feeding her in costa today. Funny how I'd be less selfconscious with my boobs out!

 

[darkangel1981]

i always refer to just feeding my baby... never say bottle....

had alot of urges to start taking domperidone again... bah i need to get a grip.

Mrs pop *hugs* hope she feels better soon xx