The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[vintage67]

Sunday, I had a man share a BF grief story with me! I had taken my older son to a bowling event and I was sitting with the baby on one of the benches. One of the fathers came over and we started talking and I was telling him how I was separated from my baby for 11 days with a staph infection. He suddenly looked very concerned and sympathetic. He shared with me that his sister or sister in law (it was loud in the bowling alley!) had her gallbladder rupture just days after having her baby, ended up with an infection and she and her baby were separated for some time (again couldn't hear).
He then mentioned that she was devastated and depressed and unable to breastfeed due to soreness, medications, separation, etc. I said that I totally understood that, having had four IV meds and was radiated with C/T scans and seperated from my baby.

He gave me a big smile, said my baby was beautiful and healthy and so was hers! It was a sweet incident that came out of nowhere, certainly wasn't expecting it!

 

[vintage67]

Kate, I am so sorry you are going through that, and it a good example of how "well meaning" people can do a lot of harm sometimes. I'm referring to your husband and the woman who gave the speech that apparently hypnotized him!

Fides, I love the "milk" suggestion! Now that I think about it, that is what my mom calls it when she feeds my son, and yes, it does make it seem better!

 

[Kage76]

Oh Kate . It must be so hard when the person who you would normally look to to help get you through times like this is the one who (inadvertently) adds more pressure.

Hopefully as your little one grows and he sees there is very little difference between a baby who is FF and one who is BF maybe then he will realise that its not worth risking you in the attempt to BF

If you do go down the path of another LO maybe agree to feed them the colostrum, (giving him the security of baby having "a good start") and then say from that point on all bets are off- its your decision to breastfeed or not, no discussions, no pep talks, no conversations will be entered into.

As another poster suggested I would take a walk to a park where there are a lot of kids and try to get him to pick out the kids that were breastfed. I'm tipping that he will struggle.

 

[ChocolateKate]

Thank you all. I just find it really hard when the comments come from him. Last week it was, 'don't you know breast fed babies don't get colds' (Polly has had three in 6 months) and he'd read it on Twitter. I pointed out that that wasn't strictly true although they do get an increased amount of immunity through BM and tend to have LESS colds.

Sometimes I feel like screaming, 'but she DID have breast milk for 4 weeks' and besides, if she hadn't had any - LOOK at her! She is a normal, happy, healthy baby. I don't know whether he thinks that if she had been BF for longer she'd be walking and talking by now - lol. I think he knew how poorly I was and it scared him but he had no idea what I was going through psychologically and how difficult it was looking after a newborn that ill.

I don't want it to be a battle going forward and I want to have a decision made now - which I think is my decision to make. I also want a plan so that when I go into the midwife's room for my booking in appointment I know what is going to happen when I give birth. Due to being prone to abscesses (which they didn't remove and could become reinfected) will they let me have a tablet to take my milk away? I had to fight for this through a consultant when I got sick this time. I want a consultant to explain to my husband the risks, as the consultant has done me. I just cant go through that again and so for now, BFing is not even an option going forward.

Which leads me to completely contradict myself, if I have made this decision and do go onto have another child will I go through this ridiculous guilt again if I don't try? Grrrr - I drive myself nuts! Thank you as always for letting me vent. X

 

[Snuffy]

I've seen that so many times - people think the benefits of BF mean that BF babies are somehow superhuman and will never get ill and FF babies will definitely get this that and the other. It's almost like tunnel vision.

The other week I saw a comment somewhere (I forget it it was here or on a Facebook group) where someone said "I won't be giving formula, I don't want my baby getting ear infections thanks". Head/Wall.

 

[buddyIV]

Kate... as if it's not hard enough with the internal pressure we put on ourselves, you've got external pressure to deal with too!!! It must be distressing to deal with everything you've had to go through without your OH being 100% behind you.

I truly hope that he can begin to see past the BF propaganda (for want of a better word), and realise that you have the right to make a difficult, but autonomous, decision about your well-being. Your LO won't suffer from being FF, but you will if you get another abscess. It's a possible, minimal loss of benefit versus a probable, maximum harm.

I'm not sure if this will help at all, but I know lots of children, both FF and BF, and they all have almost permanent snotty noses (especially once they start nursery/school). Getting a cold isn't the point, it's how well your body deals with it that matters. Unquestionably, BF helps strengthen a babies immune system, but so too will their genes, environment, lifestyle and lifetimes diet. It's not all determined by BF or FF. xxx

 

[Kage76]

i found this really interesting article- maybe you can show it to your husband Kate- it provides the other side of the argument.

https://www.babble.com/baby/baby-fe...ottle-feeding-why-baby formula-is-not-so-bad/

 

[vintage67]

My 7 year old is extremely healthy. He's taken 3 antibiotics in 7 years; 2 for strep caught at school and one eyedrop for pink eye. He's never had an ear infection. I don't credit the formula or the colostrum and small amount of breastmilk that the had.

My husband is the healthiest adult that I know. I've seen him sick with a cold maybe 4 times in 15 years. Not only was he formula fed but his mother smoked and drank during her pregnancy. I don't think anyone will be making a poster saying that smoking and drinking during pregnancy lowers your risk of getting sick! It's such a random thing really...how often a person gets sick, that is.

I'm sure it's true that you get antibodies from breastmilk, but like others have said, it isn't the "end all=be all" of how often you'll get sick or how healthy in general you will be.

It is really sad that the benefits of something can't be presented without resorting to hyperbole. I've seen it said online recently that someone had "heard about healthy formula fed kids" but, she "didn't believe it for one minute." It's really sad because what if a formula fed child does
end up being sickly? Then the mother will be dealing with added guilt and blame.

By the way if my son's science teacher at school asks me one me more time if I'm breastfeeding I'm going to do worse than scream! She knows I was in the hospital 11 days for a staph infection! Guess I should have chopped off a leg and got up that mountain!

 

[Leopard]

I was a total mess the other morning. As you know I'm still combination feeding and anyway for what ever reasons LO wouldn't latch, so I had to give her a bottle. When DF got home from work I just broke down.
"What's the point of me even being around, anyone else can do everything else, change nappies, cuddle etc but only I can breastfeed her and I'm doing a shitty job at that, I'm just useless," was what I said. He didn't take kindly to me calling myself useless, but the berating I got helped me a fair bit.
I really do feel useless though. Out of everything that can be done for her, breastfeeding is my thing, you know? Anyone can give her a bottle and it just really got to me.

We think she has reflux as well.

 

[vintage67]

i found this really interesting article- maybe you can show it to your husband Kate- it provides the other side of the argument.

https://www.babble.com/baby/baby-fe...ottle-feeding-why-baby formula-is-not-so-bad/

Kage, I've read that article many times and what never fails to entertain/fascinate/depress and enrage me is the comments section.

 

[Kage76]

being a mum is more than what our breasts produce. The love you give her is worth more than any bloody antibodies. She is not going to remember being breastfed. What she is going to take out of the first 6 months is that there is someone who makes her world work. Even if were all able to climb the mountain with one leg there is a point that we all stop breastfeeding- does that mean that our usefulness as mothers cease? look at your profile pic- that smile is not because you are breastfeeding. Its because your her world. BF ing is just a small part of that picture.

 

[Kage76]

i found this really interesting article- maybe you can show it to your husband Kate- it provides the other side of the argument.

https://www.babble.com/baby/baby-fe...ottle-feeding-why-baby formula-is-not-so-bad/

Kage, I've read that article many times and what never fails to entertain/fascinate/depress and enrage me is the comments section.

lol- thats why as a general rule, i don't read comments. I wouldn't give them the time of day in the real world why on earth would i waste my time listening to a bunch of chooks cackling in the online yard. Everyone's bullet proof and an expert behind a keyboard

 

[Leopard]

being a mum is more than what our breasts produce. The love you give her is worth more than any bloody antibodies. She is not going to remember being breastfed. What she is going to take out of the first 6 months is that there is someone who makes her world work. Even if were all able to climb the mountain with one leg there is a point that we all stop breastfeeding- does that mean that our usefulness as mothers cease? look at your profile pic- that smile is not because you are breastfeeding. Its because your her world. BF ing is just a small part of that picture.

True. Though I'm hoping to keep breastfeeding a lot longer than 6 months, even if that means I still have to combination feed. I refuse to give up on my goal, I'm as stubborn as a mule (not always a good thing). Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything more than a feeding machine to her though.

 

[Lil_Pixie]

My son is breastfed and got his first cold at 7 weeks old. If he was fed formula he'd still have got his first cold at 7 weeks old! Bm isn't a magic cure all - its just food!

 

[Kage76]

being a mum is more than what our breasts produce. The love you give her is worth more than any bloody antibodies. She is not going to remember being breastfed. What she is going to take out of the first 6 months is that there is someone who makes her world work. Even if were all able to climb the mountain with one leg there is a point that we all stop breastfeeding- does that mean that our usefulness as mothers cease? look at your profile pic- that smile is not because you are breastfeeding. Its because your her world. BF ing is just a small part of that picture.

True. Though I'm hoping to keep breastfeeding a lot longer than 6 months, even if that means I still have to combination feed. I refuse to give up on my goal, I'm as stubborn as a mule (not always a good thing). Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything more than a feeding machine to her though.

dont forget you are the magic lady that makes the poos go away too. And the lovley lady that gets the burps up and makes her feel better, your the one with the heart beat and the voice that made her feel safe in the womb and outside. Your the one that when she is having a hard time adjusting to this world- just by being near you the world is a better place. You smell good and by god you are the funniest thing she has ever seen, No one is as good as you and her dad.

 

[Leopard]

being a mum is more than what our breasts produce. The love you give her is worth more than any bloody antibodies. She is not going to remember being breastfed. What she is going to take out of the first 6 months is that there is someone who makes her world work. Even if were all able to climb the mountain with one leg there is a point that we all stop breastfeeding- does that mean that our usefulness as mothers cease? look at your profile pic- that smile is not because you are breastfeeding. Its because your her world. BF ing is just a small part of that picture.

True. Though I'm hoping to keep breastfeeding a lot longer than 6 months, even if that means I still have to combination feed. I refuse to give up on my goal, I'm as stubborn as a mule (not always a good thing). Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything more than a feeding machine to her though.

dont forget you are the magic lady that makes the poos go away too. And the lovley lady that gets the burps up and makes her feel better, your the one with the heart beat and the voice that made her feel safe in the womb and outside. Your the one that when she is having a hard time adjusting to this world- just by being near you the world is a better place. You smell good and by god you are the funniest thing she has ever seen, No one is as good as you and her dad.

I really needed that. I just needed something, anything to hold onto. Things are just so damned hard right now! DF just got a job, which is brilliant since he hasn't had a job in a few months, and even the job he did have was temporary work for 10 days. So I should be really please but he is working night shifts 3 nights a week (Thursday, Friday and Saturday) and those nights are always the hardest for me, even before I had Keziah-May. It's wonderful because we can stop stressing about our rent being in arrears, because within 2 pays that will be done and dusted. I can stop worrying about not having enough food to last from one parenting payment to the next (here in Australia, and in the area I live that is very difficult). I can even stop worrying about the expense of our wedding next month. Yet, I still feel stressed about finances. Why? Because I have never been any good with money, I try to budget and save, I've tried everything, but it never happens. We almost always have all we need, and Kezzy never goes without (she is our top monetary priority) but I still worry!
I worry about Kezzy's health because she will need surgery, I worry about if I'm doing the right thing, and whether I should trust my gut (which is never wrong). I worry that her doctors are leading me down the garden path.
I worry that my arthritis will have me in a wheelchair by 30, and I worry that early menopause (which is almost definite for me) will come before I am ready to stop having children. I worry that this ovarian cyst is going to rupture like the last one and diminish my fertility right back down. I'm worried I'm going to be TTC for more than 8 months (it was 8 months with Kezzy).
I'm worried that Kezzy is going to grow up to have all the emotional and mental issues I have. I'm worried I'll never 'be good enough' to anyone else because of my parenting age.

Just so many things that worry me. I'm sorry I went on a bit but it's just stressful you know? We have to travel 8hrs approximately every 3 weeks for Kezzy's health, so her paediatric, renal and surgical team can see her. I have to worry about Child Safety breathing down my neck for not feeding her properly, I have to worry about her weight not going the way it is supposed to, I have to worry about my health. Now, to make matters worse, I have to worry if I'm over feeding her, underfeeding her or whether I'm just worrying about nothing.

 

[jojo2012]

As I've said before breast milk is great but it's not the only factor in preventing infections, developing immune systems and reducing the risk factors for obesity and illness in later life. Genetically if you have a strong family history of asthma or eczema no amount of breast milk will completely remove the possibility of developing these. Diet and lifestyle are a much bigger influence on diabetes and obesity. Looking after your child's health isn't just breastfeeding. It's teaching your child to eat well and- when they're old enough- to continue to do this by yourself.

Kate- don't beat yourself up. You're husband will eventually come round. Maybe you could start focusing his attention on the diet and lifestyle things you can achieve with the baby as they get older. That way he sees there is more to health than breast feeding. Maybe get into a routine of swimming once a week. Maybe the two of you could go to a weaning or healthy eating course?

Leopard- I know how you feel. When my little girl was in neonates I didn't feel like her mum at all. She didn't need me. Someone else made all the decisions about feeding, changing and looking after her. When we got home and she still wouldn't breast feed I felt useless. But i'm learning i'm her mum because i am the person she looks to for comfort and i'm the person that knows all about her and (with my husband) makes the decisions about whats best for her. She doesnt look about or get excited for other people the way she does for us! She doesnt feel as safe or loved. Thats a huge thing!

I'm still combi-feeding Emily but I'm feeling better about it. We went to the HV today and her weight is going up beautifully. They commented again today on how alert and bright she is for her age. I was told whatever I'm doing is working well and to keep up the good work! It definately helps to have a pat on the back now and again!

 

[Snuffy]

Something occurred to me today. I don't remember anyone asking how Amy was fed but with Ollie several people have asked "are you feeding him yourself?"

I wish I could just reply with "why?".

 

[vintage67]

Something occurred to me today. I don't remember anyone asking how Amy was fed but with Ollie several people have asked "are you feeding him yourself?"

I wish I could just reply with "why?".

Really is a rude question.

 

[ChocolateKate]

Kate- don't beat yourself up. You're husband will eventually come round. Maybe you could start focusing his attention on the diet and lifestyle things you can achieve with the baby as they get older. That way he sees there is more to health than breast feeding. Maybe get into a routine of swimming once a week.

Thank you. We have been going swimming once a week since P was 12 weeks old and do this as a family. What you say makes absolute sense and I realised several weeks ago that the way to turn around the situation in my head was to be positive about the future. We have started baby-led weaning which will help us eat healthier too and watching my daughter snack on cucumber and melon tonight was beautiful. X