The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[evasmum]

Thoughts with you and your mum mrspop x

 

[24/7]

I thought I'd pop in, I keep wanting to but BF is still such a raw topic for me even now. xx

 

[buddyIV]

I thought I'd pop in, I keep wanting to but BF is still such a raw topic for me even now. xx

I'm sorry that you're finding it difficult; it's a long journey to learn to deal with not BF, but if it helps at all, talk to us! You'll get a lot of understanding and empathy here x

 

[Kage76]

I thought I'd pop in, I keep wanting to but BF is still such a raw topic for me even now. xx

Totally normal love- it took me an age to become alright with FF, i just took it one bottle at a time, at times i felt i was pretending to be ok with my "choice" after a while it did become ok. I hope you get the results you want or the peace that you desire.

 

[MrsPOP]

Please if you can 24/7 use this thread to start releasing those raw feelings out. Honestly you have no idea how liberating it has been to just get it all out there and it has helped me to start moving on from my grief.

I still get moments of 'urgh' be it at an article or a ill-thought comment on here but I find my reactions to the moments are less visceral and less often now, because I'm allowing myself to move on.

 

[jojo2012]

So I'm having some guilty pangs again...

I'm going back to work in just over 4 weeks. I'm still combi-feeding Emily but its still immensely hard work and involves spending a lot of the day being attached to baby or pump. I'm a hospital doctor and- although I'm going back part time- the hours will not be regular and the jobs going to be so busy I wont be able to guarantee I could stop and pump several times a day. I'd like to try and maybe feed first thing and at night but with my supply issues I suspect it wont work. I'm also worried about developing mastitis or blocked ducts because of an irregular feeding schedule.

So I know in the next few weeks I'm going to have to stop BF. I have no idea why its upsetting me so much. Even before I had Emily I was sure when I went back to work I would have to combi-feed or purely FF- my aim was to get to 6 month and I had planned on having a freezer stash for the last month. Talking to my OH he's said he's proud of me for getting this far and 5 months of combi-feeding is nothing to be ashamed of considering the work its taken me. But I cant help feeling sad and like I'm letting her down again.

I hate the fact that I find it so difficult to get over this. Why do I still feel at four months that I've not looked after her and protected her the way I should have when my little girl is happy and bright?

 

[vintage67]

I'm sorry you're feeling badly! My baby is about the same age as yours; he will be four months on March 5th. I am so much better when I stay off the internet! I just logged on after about a 3 day break and have already read two things that made me tear up a little. On this website. I don't know why I click on that stuff.

This is my second go at "failure." Breastfeeding didn't work out with my first son either. Despite knowing that in both cases I was diabetic and hypothyroid, and this time, was hospitalized and seperated from him for 11 days--none of that is good enough. At times.

It is just so hard isn't it? My baby is robust and healthy, albeit fussy, and my 7 year old formula fed son has taken antibiotics a mere 3 times in his entire life. He's in gifted programs and learned to read at two; simple words before two. Is that good enough? Nope. Maybe if he'd been breastfed he would have written a novel by now!

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

I bet in your career as a doctor you won't be able to tell if a child or adult was breastfed as a child. All the logic and scientific training in the world can't take away "mommy guilit" sometimes.

 

[jojo2012]

You're totally right- you can't tell. And we would never ask. Although it reduces your risk factors for various things we don't count it when asking people about their medical history.

I know that I should be glad I didn't give up and it's not coming to an end because I can't be bothered. If Emily hadn't been unwell and in SCBU for the the first ten days or so it might have worked out. And there's every chance if we're lucky enough to have another baby that it will. I was breastfed for a whole two weeks and I'm fine! But I think in some way I blame myself for her being unwell- even though logically I know I had no control over what happened.

Before I had her I'd said to my best friend that I'd seen women in Obs trying to BF and making themselves and their little ones unwell. So if it didn't work for me I wouldn't beat myself up. But I think after she was unwell its become my way of trying to make up for the rough start she had and trying to protect her and I feel like I'm giving up on that. Which is silly- because she's now completely fine and healthy!

I think I just need to enjoy my last few weeks, scale back feeding during the day and keep going morning and evening- it might work. You never know. And if it doesn't well she's still well loved and looked after in every other way!

Thanks xxoo

 

[andella95]

Just wanted to let everyone know that my little girl is fully formula fed now. I was taking reglan and had to stop due to side effects, and my milk decreased so quickly.

All I know is that when I was breastfeeding (and supplementing), I was constantly consumed with how much she was getting to eat. As my doctor put it, she's getting enough to stay alive, but she needed more. Now that we are fully formula feeding, my baby is thriving, not just surviving.

This is such a great thread. The guilt is letting up for me.

 

[buddyIV]

So I'm having some guilty pangs again...

I'm going back to work in just over 4 weeks. I'm still combi-feeding Emily but its still immensely hard work and involves spending a lot of the day being attached to baby or pump. I'm a hospital doctor and- although I'm going back part time- the hours will not be regular and the jobs going to be so busy I wont be able to guarantee I could stop and pump several times a day. I'd like to try and maybe feed first thing and at night but with my supply issues I suspect it wont work. I'm also worried about developing mastitis or blocked ducts because of an irregular feeding schedule.

So I know in the next few weeks I'm going to have to stop BF. I have no idea why its upsetting me so much. Even before I had Emily I was sure when I went back to work I would have to combi-feed or purely FF- my aim was to get to 6 month and I had planned on having a freezer stash for the last month. Talking to my OH he's said he's proud of me for getting this far and 5 months of combi-feeding is nothing to be ashamed of considering the work its taken me. But I cant help feeling sad and like I'm letting her down again.

I hate the fact that I find it so difficult to get over this. Why do I still feel at four months that I've not looked after her and protected her the way I should have when my little girl is happy and bright?

My LO was about 4 months when I fully finished BF (stopped expressing altogether), and I absolutely share your feelings: far from being pleased that I'd managed to keep going for that long, I just felt terrible that I couldn't last any longer.

My son was in SCBU, and I was a wreck after a botched labour (4th degree tear with literally no medical support until the last 30 mins of pushing... they didn't even call my husband, so I was literally alone throughout my labour until they finally realised I wasn't crazy, and that his head really was presenting). I then developed an infection, which my son got, which lead to him eventually being unable to feed. It was nearly 4, months of emotional and physical agonies, and still I feel like I should have lasted longer. So, I feel like I can fully sympathise with you

When I read your story, I just thought how amazingly well you've done to keep going, and that 5 months is a great achievement! Seriously, please don't be ashamed... hold your head high as you've tried your hardest to do something very special for your daughter.

 

[AirForceWife7]

14 months later, and I still feel the guilt ...

 

[Leopard]

Hey ladies to everyone struggling.

We are trying so hard to keep my supply up so bubs gets some bm, but I think actually breastfeeding is over for us. She no longer wants to latch. Oh well. Pumping every 2hrs. Woow.

 

[Kage76]

Leopard, you did really well to get as far as you did. It's not your fault its not going to plan.

 

[jojo2012]

Hey ladies to everyone struggling.

We are trying so hard to keep my supply up so bubs gets some bm, but I think actually breastfeeding is over for us. She no longer wants to latch. Oh well. Pumping every 2hrs. Woow.

You've done really well- and from what i've read you've had a lot to deal with. Most people would have given up long before now. You should be really proud of yourself!

xxoo

 

[MrsPOP]

Im still not doing so well obviously. When I read phrases like 'giving up' or whatever...it just sounds so horrible and defeatist. I know I did give up...its just hard to deal with that fact I guess

 

[Leopard]

MrsPop. We are all fighting our own little demons. Sending good vibes your way

 

[kimini26]

I'm going to stop combi feeding in about a month. My psychiatrist asked me what my breastfeeding goal was, and I told her 6 months. She said ok, then I'm going to switch your anti-psychotic in 6 weeks. Don't worry, failing at actually breastfeeding did not make me psychotic(angry and paranoid), but being a bi-polar mother who refused to take her meds so baby could get some breastmilk probably did. Thanks to this thread I feel like I'm ready to switch her over to only formula. I've been pumping every day for almost 6 months now and I'm actually looking forward to not having to work out a pumping schedule for the day.

 

[queenlavera]

Im still not doing so well obviously. When I read phrases like 'giving up' or whatever...it just sounds so horrible and defeatist. I know I did give up...its just hard to deal with that fact I guess

I am starting to finally realize that it is not 'giving up' but we are just making the healthiest, best decisions for ourselves and LOs. I don't feel like any of us moms 'gave up' we are doing or did what was necessary to stay sane. Bottom line if we lose it how are we going to take care of LO?

 

[Star7890]

I can officially say I am now guilt free.

End of

xx

 

[Leopard]

I just want to give you all massive and I probably won't be here very much. Love you all! xx