The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

Ive not written for a while, things have been kerrazy lately in my life.

Anyway, so I nearly killed DH the other night. We were talking about possibly having another baby in a couple of years and that I would try BFing again and he said something about if Im successful Alice will probably ask 'why does my little bro/sis get fed by you mum and I wasnt'....

He said it in a jokey manner and I immediately told him off and he was very sorry but I was astonished. He knows just exactly how much this has affected me so why make stupid jokes that arent even funny!!!

talk about foot in mouth! but on the upside maybe he has noticed that you were a lot more at peace with FF and thought you could handle his "joke"

 

[kanga]

I often have a peek at the bf forum, I guess partly wishing that I belonged there. And it is such a shame that often, posts asking for help get far less replies than the more positive threads. Here's one for example

https://www.babyandbump.com/breastfeeding/951941-newborn-only-opens-wide-he-turns-away.html

 

[MrsPOP]

Maybe Kage. He is a bit dumb

And Kanga that's really sad. I keep getting told when I have no2 I will get lots of help but it is a worry that I won't and that thread is a reason why.

 

[Odd Socks]

Ive not written for a while, things have been kerrazy lately in my life.

Anyway, so I nearly killed DH the other night. We were talking about possibly having another baby in a couple of years and that I would try BFing again and he said something about if Im successful Alice will probably ask 'why does my little bro/sis get fed by you mum and I wasnt'....

He said it in a jokey manner and I immediately told him off and he was very sorry but I was astonished. He knows just exactly how much this has affected me so why make stupid jokes that arent even funny!!!

If Bella ever asks, I'll tell her she was an awkward bugger who would rather have starved than fed from my breast
xx

 

[Kage76]

Maybe Kage. He is a bit dumb

And Kanga that's really sad. I keep getting told when I have no2 I will get lots of help but it is a worry that I won't and that thread is a reason why.

hey- im always trying to turn those lemons into lemonade- especially the really dense ones with the thick skin

MrsPop- i do hope the next time it works. Im sure that not only will you find good help- i get the feeling that through this thread and elsewhere in your life you are going to be so helpful to other women (and men!) who are struggling with this issue. And if it doesn't work its not the end of the world. We are all proof that we can get through it!

For me the great thing is with number two im going to give it a good go- but im not going to let it get into the core of me. I KNOW im more of a mother to my girl than a secretion. If I do manage to BF im not going to worry that my first born missed out- she didn't. I can't IMAGINE loving my girl any more than I already do. the rest is just calories.

 

[MrsPOP]

Haha, he is a lemon but he's my lemon bless him

Oh man I know should I strike lucky with the next kid I will be over the moon but I haven't allowed myself to think about what I'd do if it didn't work out. No point thinking about it just yet, we're not going to be TTCing for a couple of years and who knows how I will feel then? Who knows what birth I will have? I'm hoping if I can manage to avoid another emergency section then that might help matters... Who the heck knows really

 

[summer rain]

I often have a peek at the bf forum, I guess partly wishing that I belonged there. And it is such a shame that often, posts asking for help get far less replies than the more positive threads. Here's one for example

https://www.babyandbump.com/breastfeeding/951941-newborn-only-opens-wide-he-turns-away.html

To be honest I think this is very unfair, the reason why threads asking for help only get a few replies is because only those who have personally experienced that situation feel they can help, I personally didn't respond to the above thread as I haven't been in that situation. Yet when you get a lighthearted, general kind of thread of course everyone can relate and thus you get more replies. It is the same with threads on any part of the forum, from baby club to formula feeding as well. Looking at the thread linked above those replies are enough to be helpful to the OP. I personally do try to respond to threads asking for help and I know other ladies do also but only a couple of ladies who post in BF section are qualified BF supporters and people do have a life and commitments outside of BF section, I suppose this is yet another scenario where BF mums are put on a pedestal and expected to act better/different somehow than everyone else xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Not at all Summer Rain, I certainly don't put BF ladies on a pedestal and believe they should act differently...

However I do find it strange that there are a lot of ladies who carry the 'BF champion' blinkie to click for support, yet this lady got one reply. It's not the first time I've heard/seen people say they asked for advice and didn't get any, or the advice they received wasn't helpful.

And yes you are right, there are many aspects of the forum where those who ask for help don't get responses when fluffy silly threads go on for days. But this a BF failure support thread and there will be some ladies on here like myself who may want to try again with another baby and I think it is a valid concern that we might not receive help when we try again. I know I won't be able to do it on my own, I will need support and I am hoping the BF forum will be a source of much help and advice.

 

[summer rain]

The BF champion blinkie redirects users to the BF champion support thread where there will always be a specific reply to your question within a few hours as a general rule, ladies having these blinkies does not mean they are somehow obliged to answer every query or question that pops up in BF section at all. I know some ladies don't really post in BF section, perhaps their babies are older and they have other commitments but they still have that blinkie as it redirects to the thread on BF support which is a sticky and is seen by everyone.

To be fair there are regularly questions in FF section also that are very important and even life and death scenarios such as urgent questions on how to safely make up a bottle and quite often these get very few, if any responses. It isn't unique to the BF section. Sections on feeding and weaning are never going to be as much visited as 'baby club'.

The majority of posts in BF section do get responses that are relevant to the OP and that sort their problem out but it simply isn't possible to answer 100% of posts 100% of the time. There are responses on this very thread criticising ladies in BF section for giving too much advice in some scenarios or advising to get professional help or a second medical opinion. It seems we really can't win sometimes, we cannot bear the full brunt of the serious lack of support from the health sector as we are all just mums like everyone else and most posters in BF section really are trying their best. Also there are many cases where a mum will PM the OP and give that advice via PM so it can give the impression They havent been helped, when they have.

Sometimes we do get blamed for not giving the 'right' advice and quite often this is due to the OP in question being very vague about their problem and any background info so we don't really get the chance to answer bearing the whole picture in mind. I could give several examples of this but I don't want to harp on also sometimes the advice which is most conducive to continuing to BF may not be an easy option and I understand this and ladies can take or leave such advice depending on what they can handle, it is upsetting though when those same ladies post elsewhere on the forum and claim to have had no replies/advice at all (seen this many times) or claiming ladies in BF section gave them some terrible, even dangerous advice that didn't help them to continue BF. xx

 

[MrsPOP]

No I know it isn't unique to the bf section but as I say this is a bf failure thread, therefore I think it would only be normal for a lady in my situation to be concerned there mightnt be the support we need for trying again, considering the long term ramifications of failing first time round.

No-one is saying the bf ladies should be constantly on the section doling out advice at all or acting in a certain way, however it seems perfectly reasonable to me if someone is kind enough to offer their services as a bf champion, they would try tonhelp a lady in trouble if they can.

This isnt an isolated occurrence at all on the bf forum and also in general and we could all do with remembering that when we see a thread we may be able to help with.

I know personally I will be terrified to post in bf section initially when I have another child. Even if I succeed next time some of the more... harsher opinions will continue to hurt me for my experience this time.

 

[kanga]

I often have a peek at the bf forum, I guess partly wishing that I belonged there. And it is such a shame that often, posts asking for help get far less replies than the more positive threads. Here's one for example

https://www.babyandbump.com/breastfeeding/951941-newborn-only-opens-wide-he-turns-away.html

To be honest I think this is very unfair, the reason why threads asking for help only get a few replies is because only those who have personally experienced that situation feel they can help,

Quel surprise.

Not really hun. It takes two secs to say 'didn't want to R&R but ...[something supportive]'.

 

[summer rain]

The champions thread blinkies direct those who click on them directly to the champions thread, which is over 200 pages long and each post on there generally gets a reply in 2-3 hours. It clearly says on the first post of that thread that it is specificially designed for any urgent or in depth queries regarding BF problems.

As I have already said the post you have linked to had relevant replies even of it is only one or two replies anyway, and as with any part of the forum some threads do slip through the net and as I have said, ladies in BF section cannot win, if too many people answer a post they get accused of bombarding the OP with unhelpful and aggressive, unwarranted advice or advising against medical professionals. Many previously regular posters of advice in BF section no longer post there because of this 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' attitude towards them xx

 

[summer rain]

Don't worry I WON'T be posting on this thread again

 

[Lady_Bee]

This is the best thread Huge hugs to all of you ladies! My story is very similar to many of yours - started off EBF and it went ok for a few days, he seemed to be latching ok (there wasn't any pain so I assumed all was well) and I didn't know it at the time but he was hardly drinking. He was on the breast allllll the time after my milk came in but most of it was non-nutritive sucking and he started to lose weight after his initial gain. My supply plummeted too

He was tongue tied but I didn't have any real support regarding this until it was too late. I didn't know that he had a dysfunctional suck and was hardly getting any milk.

He's 8 weeks old now and mostly on formula. He hates breastfeeding in recent weeks - he gets frustrated at the slow flow of milk and hits me and squirms and cries until I give him a bottle. It's so heartbreaking for me that I don't even try anymore except at night. For some reason he is happier to take a feed at night, but during the day it's hell if I put him to the breast.

I'm just beginning to get over this... I've done a lot of grieving and really feel like I lost something. However, enough is enough and I can't let it become an obsession. I feel a strange sense of relief now that I've almost entirely dropped my feeds. I'm still pumping what I can - I can usually give him 2 oz towards each feed and the rest is formula. It's a lot of work though. Sometimes I'm tempted to give that up because it takes away from time I could be spending playing with him etc.

 

[Kage76]

Look lets face it- both sides of the argument are going to have issues with something the other side said. With such an emotive issue - someone somewhere with their good intentions is going to say the wrong thing. What frustrates me about this thread- bearing in mind that its about FF guilt- is that as soon as someone talks about a negative interaction with a breast feeder - or someone who is a breastfeeding advocate- the thread turns toxic. For heavens sake- the main point of the post was completly missed in that she wanted to belong in that BF club- and that she was worried for other women who were not getting the support they needed in her opinion. She didn't come out and say all BF'ers are unsupportive. For those lady's who do breastfeed, we do appreciate you having a voice and your input is appreciated but can you please understand that with issues of breastfeeding usually comes bad experiences with other people who with the best intentions can inadvertently wound deeply- weather its a HV with a throw away comment or a lactivist with a passion for promoting breastfeeding- if we can't talk about how they make us feel here- i dont know where we can.

 

[summer rain]

It wasn't about a negative interaction with a BFer though but about a thread in BF section taken out of context, cross posted (which is not generally allowed on any other section of the forum) and blown out of proportion. And I don't like this whole 'them and us' attitude I have also been a FF mum and may well be in the future, same goes for other 'BFers' who have posted here. xx

 

[kanga]

Summer rain I think I speak for everyone when I say, please can you just go away and leave this thread to it. We are all having a great time supporting each other and you are just ruining it with your monologues which don't even get read anyways. Nice to know you are always lurking ready to step in to set us straight when needed.

 

[Jo]

Summer rain I think I speak for everyone when I say, please can you just go away and leave this thread to it. We are all having a great time supporting each other and you are just ruining it with your monologues which don't even get read anyways. Nice to know you are always lurking ready to step in to set us straight when needed.

Hmm I don't think it is anyones place to "speak for everyone" if you have a problem with a member or posts please either take it to PM or report the posts in question
Thank you x

 

[vintage67]

Summer rain I think I speak for everyone when I say, please can you just go away and leave this thread to it. We are all having a great time supporting each other and you are just ruining it with your monologues which don't even get read anyways. Nice to know you are always lurking ready to step in to set us straight when needed.

Hmm I don't think it is anyones place to "speak for everyone" if you have a problem with a member or posts please either take it to PM or report the posts in question
Thank you x

Actually she has been told by at least one if not two other moderators to leave this thread.

On pages 41 and 48.

 

[andella95]

Anyway....

It may be now that the reason my milk supply dropped so suddenly had to do with my thyroid. Long story (posted elsewhere) but my doctor is checking me for thyroid issues as well as a few other things. I thought it had already been checked, but apparently not.

Hm.

Baby is growing, thriving, and healthy.