The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

Is it terrible that on the flight up to where we are now I started balling my eyes out whilst giving LO a bottle because a lady across from me had a baby attached to the boob?

I felt so ashamed, she obviously didn't realise, but her baby girl could not have been much younger than LO and it ripped me up; never realised how much it affected me until that exact minute.

 

[vintage67]

Hey I wanted to share a link to a blog. Nice blog post and some great feedback in the comments for a change. The wife of one of my husband's co-workers experienced something similar with her 4th child a few years ago.
My husband had her call me at home. The woman was hysterical. All 3 of the other children breastfed and they grow all their own food, etc. Our son was around 2 or 3 at the time and I was telling her over and over again that he wasn't sick all the time and all the other horrible things she was afraid would happen.

https://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2011/07/what-i-want-you-to-know-humbling-of.html

 

[andella95]

Thats great reading those comments. Made me tear up- in a good way.

 

[queenlavera]

I just want to say I am so glad this thread is here. It started when I was still combi-feeding and has helped me through the end, helping me come to terms with what happened and that everything will be ok. I really appreciate all the support that we give each other.

 

[andella95]

I'm (usually) comfortable with her being on Formula now- thanks to this thread. It's helped me a lot!!!

 

[DollPosse]

You're all so far away from failure. You're all rock stars really. Look at all what you have done for your baby you couldn't be any farther away from a failure. I know so many books, movies, and even friends and families sell us on that breastfeeding is natural and easy but it really isn't. Well at least it isn't for many women.

 

[Henrysmama]

This is a lovely thread. I also planned on breastfeeding exclusively and after a variety of issues very similar to lots of women on here I just couldn't. Our little one actually managed to get all of the colostrum benefits in the early days which made me happy but I've had a really hard time psychologically dealing with very little b-feeding. We were lucky enough to end up with a brilliant midwife who has been a midwife for around 35 yrs and she said, look, women actually get PND from having low milk supply but desperately sticking to the ideal of breastfeeding, thinking that they're a bad mother if they can't while the baby then can't lose their jaundice and loses weight - she thinks it's a crazy thing, and that in her many years of midwifery she's met lots of women with no supply all the way through to people that could probably feed a street, and we should all embrace out natural supply that we were blessed with and supplement at any time we want if we need to. For her its a common sense issue.

I then researched benefits of colostrum v breast milk (I.e. everything after colostrum) and interestingly, the immunological benefits ONLY come from colostrum, with breast milk not supplying immunology and existing simply as a great source of nutrition (and to be fair formula is excellently made now so while it might not be as perfect as breast milk it's still a damn good alternative). I had to search hard for that info as I find most 'benefits of breast milk' lump colostrum in with milk, which gives the wrong impression - a year of breast feeding does not mean a year more immunology benefits for example!-which puts a very different context on things.

Ultimately I think that our little ones care less than we do about formula feeding but the pressure on us is huge and there is so many women on line saying (with nothing but their own anecdotal experience to back them up) that we aren't trying hard enough, or a mother makes enough for baby (clearly not true) or whatever - sorry but unless they are doctors with research experience in the area then, no matter how well meaning (or not), their experience can't really help us or be relevant to us. Just feel confident that when the baby has formula he is happier, gains weight, loses jaundice, etc, and still loves mummy bonding time.

Anyway I hope that this might help some posters here (-:

 

[MrsPOP]

I'm fuming today I hope this doesn't count as cross posting but this morning when I checked my FB feed and there was a BF picture on there saying 'BF is Real Love' and I'm just so angry! Just because I don't feed A from my breasts means I don't love her in a real way????????? Fck it, fck it all! Im so sick of this crap

 

[3boys]

I'm fuming today I hope this doesn't count as cross posting but this morning when I checked my FB feed and there was a BF picture on there saying 'BF is Real Love' and I'm just so angry! Just because I don't feed A from my breasts means I don't love her in a real way????????? Fck it, fck it all! Im so sick of this crap

huge hugs hun!!! That was a very insensitive fb feed. Its obvious how much you love your baby and how anyone feeds their baby is no reflection on love. x x

 

[MrsPOP]

Thanks, I've calmed down a bit now. I think I'll just have to unsubscribe from my friend's status updates, they are constant BF pictures and articles and whilst I will always remain totally pro-BF its just a constant reminder of what I wish I could do

 

[Lil_Pixie]

That's just stupid!

For me real love is watching your baby sleep (finally) and taking in just how blessed you are. It's dragging your aching butt to the floor for the 27th time today to read/eat the same favourite book, or singing twinkle twinkle in the supermarket and showing no shame cos whatever makes then happy! And mostly, real love is putting aside your plans and hopes and doing what you know is the right thing for your baby, even though it breaks your heart!

 

[MrsPOP]

Word Pixie...word

 

[3boys]

Thanks, I've calmed down a bit now. I think I'll just have to unsubscribe from my friend's status updates, they are constant BF pictures and articles and whilst I will always remain totally pro-BF its just a constant reminder of what I wish I could do

I don't know what your story is but it took me 4 "failures" to finally be able to bf so maybe in the future you will be able to x x

 

[Kage76]

sounds like in your friends case BF is pure smugness. (and before anyone goes off on a tangent- In no way am i tarring anyone else with the same brush) I can only assume that people like that are so into BF that they can't see how hurtful they are inadvertently being. As my nan always used to say we judge ourselves by our intentions we judge others by their actions. I bet dollar to donuts she didn't intend to be hurtful, she just wants to express how great she thinks bf is.

 

[kanga]

I'm fuming today I hope this doesn't count as cross posting but this morning when I checked my FB feed and there was a BF picture on there saying 'BF is Real Love' and I'm just so angry! Just because I don't feed A from my breasts means I don't love her in a real way????????? Fck it, fck it all! Im so sick of this crap

That is so bad Not everyone realises their insensitivities hun or the journey some of us ff Mums go through. Read it and let go, safe in the knowledge you couldn't possibly have loved your child any more because of what you did for them, booby wise xx

It reminds me of a fb comment put on my wall when C was about 6 weeks old. I had posted about the rip-off garage charging me £50 to change a light bulb in my car and that I was worried about taking C to the garage as I wasn't sure how he would be. And someone posted 'take a cover and sit and breastfeed - it works really well'. That was the actual post. I just wanted to say, well actually NO - IT doesnt bloody work well if you must know. I would love nothing more than to be able to comfort my baby like that but it aint happenin!

 

[Henrysmama]

Someone actually posted BF is real love on their status? I think that sounds strange. Isn't that a bit intimate for an FB post, apart from anything else? Plus what a load of clap trap - nature wouldn't have given us ways of feeding our babies that isn't via breast, if it wasn't needed - clearly some of us can BF and some can't and both are great, nature provides for either, and both mean real love to our babies. And as another poster said real love is giving up on our ideals when we have to, and going only with what seems to make baby happy, so we are all doing a great job

 

[Kage76]

you wont believe what some people put on facebook- one of my FAVOURITE site is STFU parents. I loved it before i got pregnant and I love it even more now- to give you some idea how far people will i give you https://www.stfuparentsblog.com/post/88243306/more-than-one-person-saw-this-picture-of-a-shiny for your viewing pleasure.

 

[vintage67]

It's absolutely amazing how you can be rolling along feeling at least semi-confident about how it's all worked out and then BAM!, one comment or sentence and it's all about doubt and guilt again.

I noticed something about someone's success story with BF and read it. That was okay, but it was a comment that followed that said that her story just proved that any woman who wanted to BF could. Well, no, it didn't prove that at all, but way to go making those of us that couldn't overcome multiple struggles feel even worse. Again, one legged mountain climber stories.

I even looked at my son today, who will be 6 months old in a couple weeks and thought, "Wonder if he could latch?" I had the strongest desire to try it. I resisited. What would be the point? He would be confused and probably upset, and the well is way dry of what little was ever there.

Hugs to everyone pulled back in to this grief so easily! Makes me mad but also ashamed and embarassed that I'm not stronger-willed.

 

[Kage76]

It's absolutely amazing how you can be rolling along feeling at least semi-confident about how it's all worked out and then BAM!, one comment or sentence and it's all about doubt and guilt again.

I noticed something about someone's success story with BF and read it. That was okay, but it was a comment that followed that said that her story just proved that any woman who wanted to BF could. Well, no, it didn't prove that at all, but way to go making those of us that couldn't overcome multiple struggles feel even worse. Again, one legged mountain climber stories.

I even looked at my son today, who will be 6 months old in a couple weeks and thought, "Wonder if he could latch?" I had the strongest desire to try it. I resisited. What would be the point? He would be confused and probably upset, and the well is way dry of what little was ever there.

Hugs to everyone pulled back in to this grief so easily! Makes me mad but also ashamed and embarassed that I'm not stronger-willed.

like anything that causes emotional pain there are going to be good days and bad days. Its nothing to do with how strong you are- the fact that you are so torn up about it proves only one thing- that you love your boys. thats all.

Look how far you have come- a couple of months ago - you probably would have tried and when that didn't go to plan you probably would have been tempted to get the pump out. Focus on how far you have come- not on how far you have to go.

 

[Eala]

MrsPOP, that's awful that someone thought it was ok to post that kind of nonsense Seriously, a mother's love comes from her heart and soul, not from two sacks of glandular tissue attached to her chest

I actually ended up blocking quite a few people off my FB because of the endless BF'ing things like that. Somehow just de-friending them didn't seem enough And even though I'm BF'ing my second baby, I've no intention of un-blocking them. It's hard to describe this, but just because things have worked this time, I haven't forgotten the pain and horrible feelings I had after my first. Does that make sense? I also constantly worry about inadvertenly hurting someone the way I was so often hurt first time around - which is mainly why I haven't posted here in a while

When I was pregnant, I got given a whole bunch of DVDs by my midwife. One of them was a locally produced thing, which (as usual) preached the "Breast is best" message without being particularly forthcoming about what breastfeeding can really be like (or not be like, for a lot of women!). Anyway, they had this "video diary" segment, where they followed a new Mum's breastfeeding journey - it was supposed to be a "highs and lows" type thing. But they didn't pick any old Mum, nope, they picked a Mum of twins! Who already had at least 1 toddler (I forget now how many other kids she had). I mean, seriously, if that isn't subliminally shrieking "This Mum can do it, so you should be able to do as well, no excuses, she has 2 babies!" then I don't know what does. Utterly appalling.

Hugs to all