The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[MrsPOP]

Vintage is right Jo, Summer Rain was asked to leave the thread for similar reasons a good while back. Whilst I have no problem with SR and understand she is passionate about BF and support, I do feel sometimes this isn't the right place for that kind of discussion.

Unfortunately going through this kind of situation could mean our experience with BFers has been tainted, be it by our jealousy they succeeded or our upset at the horrible things they have said in general or to us directly. I'll happily admit I am jealous as hell of those who have succeeded but also there are a fair few people on here who have said some really terrible things either in general or to me directly and I know that will mean next time I will be very scared of approaching for help.

I think on a thread like this it is inevitable there will be some bad feeling if a lady has a bad experience with a BFer. I will never forgive the people I have spoken with for hurting me but this thread is helping me forget

Anyway, I think we should get back to supporting each other

 

[Jo]

I apologise girls, you are correct, it was about 30+ pages back and I didn't read back that far xx

 

[summer rain]

...

 

[midori1999]

Not at all Summer Rain, I certainly don't put BF ladies on a pedestal and believe they should act differently...

However I do find it strange that there are a lot of ladies who carry the 'BF champion' blinkie to click for support, yet this lady got one reply. It's not the first time I've heard/seen people say they asked for advice and didn't get any, or the advice they received wasn't helpful.

And yes you are right, there are many aspects of the forum where those who ask for help don't get responses when fluffy silly threads go on for days. But this a BF failure support thread and there will be some ladies on here like myself who may want to try again with another baby and I think it is a valid concern that we might not receive help when we try again. I know I won't be able to do it on my own, I will need support and I am hoping the BF forum will be a source of much help and advice.

I don't usually post much in this forum and haven't really posted at all recently, but I did want to reply to this.

Most of the ladies that post in the BF forum, even that have the 'BF supoort' binkies are just Mums who happen to BF or have BF. They have no special training mostly and whilst some of them do take a special interest in BF, they probably can't offer advice on every question people ask. Also, posts get looked at and not replied to or not even looked at if poeple see the title and don't feel they can help (In every section of the forum). People do only have a limited amount of time and have other commitments, some of them giving RL help to Mum's who want to BF, usually for free.

As for anyone 'failing' to have BF. I didn't BF my first 3 children for very long and that was for the same reason as most of the women on this thread, having read through it a bit, and also the same as most women I encounter in RL. Lack of support and correct information. You didn't 'fail' to BF, you were failed by the NHS and those around you in getting the correct support and help to enable you to BF. Of course, that's not to say the right support would help every single person, but it may well have helped the majority of women who want to BF.

It makes me very sad and anrgy too that the NHS is very good at telling women 'breast is best' and they should BF, but not at giving them the correct information or help to enable them to do so. I spoke to a lady only yesterday who had (wrongly!) thought she had to combi feed from 3 weeks and although she did combi feed for 6 months, which is great, she still (after several years) said she felt very sad that her body hadn't been able to feed her baby. The worst thing about it all was that actually, almost certainly her body could have fed her baby and there was no reason to feel the way she did, plus any BF at all, even one feed, benefits the baby getting it.

Please remember ladies, every BF counts and by even trying then you have given your baby something special.

 

[OmarsMum]

And I have posted several times since then, all positive and was not asked to leave the thread again. I want to request though that cross posting is BANNED in this thread as it would be anywhere else on the forum. It's only fair.

If you have an issue with cross posting, report them & WE will deal with them. Looking for every opportunity to step in to "defend" BFers in the FFing forum is acceptable.

I'm raising this issue to admins, you've been warned twice in this thread to leave it alone.

This is a support thread, so please keep it on track.

Ladies, no more cross posting please, this thread has been reported several times, if it gets reported one more time, we will have to lock it, which is not fair for those who are looking for support.

 

[MrsPOP]

Thanks again admins, as always you do a fab job

It saddens me deeply to hear the thread has been reported many times. That certainly wasn't my intention to create a controversial thread at all. This thread is for support and I hope it has helped so many women to let go of the pain that is BF failure (I dislike the term myself but don't know what else to call it). I think it is perfectly reasonable and possible to discuss BF without it descending into madness.

Anyway, to lighten things up my husband has dyed his hair and it's gone ginger I like it though, I find gingers rather tasty me self

 

[andella95]

I was so happy when this thread was created, because I thought it was a safe place to go and vent and talk. I don't want this thread to be closed. The problem is that this thread is NOT an appropriate place to tell us that most of us on here could have successfully breastfed or exclusively breast feed- that we just didn't get the right help or support.

I'm not in the UK. I have no NHS. I had absolutely amazing doctors, LCs, and nurses helping me for a very long time. The reason I hated the breastfeeding section was that there were too many well-meaning women implying that the problem was lack of "support" which in essence translates to us failing by not doing things right. You're right -none of the ladies on here are experts. That is why I found the advice in the breastfeeding section so troubling. Women telling you to avoid formula at all costs when that is not always in the best interest of the baby. I believed them for a while- but my baby ended up in the hospital. I had to deal with the guilty of FAILING nourish my baby - wanting to die because I was such a horrible mother. Considering suicide every day for weeks...because no matter how many LCs, doctors, & nurses I had telling me that my baby was not okay, I gave in to the lie that is spread that all we need to do is keep pumping, take herbs, nurse frequently, get more support.

Please, ladies, if you are not going to be understanding of what we are going through, there is not any need to post here. This thread should not be locked - its too important and will continue to be so in the future.

 

[midori1999]

Andella, I am sorry for what you went through and I do understand what you are saying.

Please do not misunderstand and think that I am saying all women can BF given the right support or that 'the right support' means the right support to exclusively breastfeed. Some women do need (or want) to use formula either in the short or long term and 'the right support' also includes helping women deal with or understand their feelings about it all, hence the term 'breastfeeding counsellor', although that is a bit misleading, since they will counsell women on anything regarding infant feeding, including Switching to or using formula safely and how you may feel about that. It is not and should never be the agenda to force, pressurise or guilt women into BF, but rather enable women who wish to BF to do so.

I personally think its very important for women not to think they have failed their babies when their babies are thriving and that if anyone has been failed, it is them. It's especially important for women who would like to BF in the future but may be afraid to try because they think they can't.

Of course, the problem is, not all women will feel the same, regardless of how they feed their baby, but as someone who 'failed' to BF myself, I find it helpful and hope at least some others do too.

 

[Leopard]

Is it terrible that on the flight up to where we are now I started balling my eyes out whilst giving LO a bottle because a lady across from me had a baby attached to the boob?

I felt so ashamed, she obviously didn't realise, but her baby girl could not have been much younger than LO and it ripped me up; never realised how much it affected me until that exact minute.

 

[vintage67]

I just wanted to pass on some encouragement! We have had a very rough couple of weeks with our son crying. I think he is going through a growth spurt, teething, and still dealing with some colic. Yesterday was very rough in particular. Swings, bouncies, silly dances, gripe water, teething tablets, car rides, tylenol, you name!....not really working now!

I thought back to my first son, who had horrible colic that lasted until he was nearly 6 months old. His worst day was a nearly 14 hour cry one Saturday!

Anyway, the difference this time is that I'm not suicidal. I don't blame myself for every tear. With my first son, I was in such a state of depression over breastfeeding and had let myself be manipulated by some people on a "support" website that I blamed every tear, every hard poo, every second of discomfort on formula. What got me thinking about this was late last night I was on my facebook page and a neighbor of mine with a one month old breastfed baby was up at 2am commiserating that her baby had really bad colic and had been crying for a week. Still to this day when I hear of ANY breastfed baby crying or having colic or even a sniffile, I get that first momemt of shock. That's how bad the rhetoric was/is/can be.

So, while it has been no picnic dealing with all this crying, and I'm old and tired, I am not thinking my baby would be better off with another mother. I am not thinking of driving my car in the river with the windows down.

So, if anyone reading this (that is here because they need support {ahem})
and you are miserable and depressed that your baby is crying a lot for whatever reason, try not to blame it on a lack of breastmilk. This time, I am not.

 

[3boys]

I just wanted to pass on some encouragement! We have had a very rough couple of weeks with our son crying. I think he is going through a growth spurt, teething, and still dealing with some colic. Yesterday was very rough in particular. Swings, bouncies, silly dances, gripe water, teething tablets, car rides, tylenol, you name!....not really working now!

I thought back to my first son, who had horrible colic that lasted until he was nearly 6 months old. His worst day was a nearly 14 hour cry one Saturday!

Anyway, the difference this time is that I'm not suicidal. I don't blame myself for every tear. With my first son, I was in such a state of depression over breastfeeding and had let myself be manipulated by some people on a "support" website that I blamed every tear, every hard poo, every second of discomfort on formula. What got me thinking about this was late last night I was on my facebook page and a neighbor of mine with a one month old breastfed baby was up at 2am commiserating that her baby had really bad colic and had been crying for a week. Still to this day when I hear of ANY breastfed baby crying or having colic or even a sniffile, I get that first momemt of shock. That's how bad the rhetoric was/is/can be.

So, while it has been no picnic dealing with all this crying, and I'm old and tired, I am not thinking my baby would be better off with another mother. I am not thinking of driving my car in the river with the windows down.

So, if anyone reading this (that is here because they need support {ahem})
and you are miserable and depressed that your baby is crying a lot for whatever reason, try not to blame it on a lack of breastmilk. This time, I am not.

can i just add that as i mentioned in a previous post that i attempted and failed to bf my first 4 children and have managed so far to bf Jacob that I really dont notice any difference with crying, all of them went through phases of crying non stop in the evenings. Plus there has been a bug going round my house and although Jacob didnt get it as bad as the others he was still sick. I hope this also helps. x x

 

[vintage67]

Yes, I think we can place too much attachment on things in our desire to provide the "best" of everything to our children.

No one wants a sickly, crying, or unhappy baby. My older son is extremely healthy; 3 antibiotics in 8 years. But he was a colicy, crying mess! And of course the mother guilt can be awful.

I still feel awful of course when this second baby cries, but I don't have it all
psychologically mixed up with breastfeeding "failure" this time. I am able to
step back and realize that all babies cry sometimes; some more than others and it isn't all related to formula.

 

[kanga]

Wow its all been kicking off in here.

Hmm I don't think it is anyones place to "speak for everyone" if you have a problem with a member or posts please either take it to PM or report the posts in question
Thank you x

I'm sorry for suggesting that everyone wanted SummerRain to bugger off - this was clearly not the case.

I'm also sorry for cross posting and jeapordising the thread everyone. I didn't realise that cross posting was a no-no. I was expressing my sadness at a situation. I think everyday about bf my next baby and what I will do if I have the same problems as before. The answer remains the same. Probably fail again as I just do not know how to get around the issues I had.

 

[kanga]

if you have a problem with a member or posts please either take it to PM or report the posts in question
Thank you x

Not sure I have the time or inclanation!

SR - thanks for your 8 paragraph pm!!

 

[Vickie]

A moderator has already come on and asked that the cross postingi stop. Ignoring this warning further will result in this thread being closed until we have time to clean it up and the offenders account will be looked at.

Cross posting is not permitted. If you see it report it simple as.

This is a support thread. Lets keep it that way.

 

[kanga]

Anyway, to lighten things up my husband has dyed his hair and it's gone ginger I like it though, I find gingers rather tasty me self

I did that once. It was supposed to be blonde but something went a bit wrong. I trued to 'bleach out' the ginger with a pre-lightener. Oh my days. I looked albeno for ages

 

[andella95]

I had bright orange hair once...never again! I can't believe it's all natural color now - and long too.

I am amazed at how happy Breanna is now! I love seeing her put on weight and be happy all of the time. Yay Alimentum! It stinks so bad though. Breanna spit up just a little bit on my shoulder and when I went to give my son a hug he told me I smelled bad and to change my shirt.

Also wanted to add that I love ALL of you and haven't felt hurt by any think anyone has said lately...I'm always in a rush and so its hard to get out what I really want to say when I post on here. Basically, my heart goes out to all of you - it DOES get better, although I clearly still deal a lot with being concerned about what other people are thinking of me FFing. But I know I'm doing the best for my baby...shouldn't that be enough?

 

[vintage67]

Andella you should have seen me last week! It was a beautiful day and my husband was feeding our son a bottle in the living room and decided to take him out on the front steps! I went up front and saw them and yelled, "Get back in the house!" l

It's kind of funny now that I think about it. Husband didn't like it much! (but he understood where the sentiment came from)

 

[andella95]

Vintage that made me laugh. Sounds like something I would do!
I'm in Idaho, and breastfeeding rates are quite high here, which is good...but I'm in the minority by FFing, for sure!

The Idaho Percentage is listed first, and the US is second.

Ever breastfed : 84.5% 74.6%
Breastfed at 6 months 61.2% 44.3%
Breastfed at 12 months 31.4% 23.8%
Exclusive breastfeeding through 3 months 49.5% 35.0%
Exclusive breastfeeding through 6 months 22.1% 14.8%

I think Idaho is in the top three nationally. (I know it's at least top ten.)

ETA: top three is for wic exclusive breastfeeders.

 

[Kage76]

I just wanted to pass on some encouragement! We have had a very rough couple of weeks with our son crying. I think he is going through a growth spurt, teething, and still dealing with some colic. Yesterday was very rough in particular. Swings, bouncies, silly dances, gripe water, teething tablets, car rides, tylenol, you name!....not really working now!

I thought back to my first son, who had horrible colic that lasted until he was nearly 6 months old. His worst day was a nearly 14 hour cry one Saturday!

Anyway, the difference this time is that I'm not suicidal. I don't blame myself for every tear. With my first son, I was in such a state of depression over breastfeeding and had let myself be manipulated by some people on a "support" website that I blamed every tear, every hard poo, every second of discomfort on formula. What got me thinking about this was late last night I was on my facebook page and a neighbor of mine with a one month old breastfed baby was up at 2am commiserating that her baby had really bad colic and had been crying for a week. Still to this day when I hear of ANY breastfed baby crying or having colic or even a sniffile, I get that first momemt of shock. That's how bad the rhetoric was/is/can be.

So, while it has been no picnic dealing with all this crying, and I'm old and tired, I am not thinking my baby would be better off with another mother. I am not thinking of driving my car in the river with the windows down.

So, if anyone reading this (that is here because they need support {ahem})
and you are miserable and depressed that your baby is crying a lot for whatever reason, try not to blame it on a lack of breastmilk. This time, I am not.

yay vintage! i know how much you have struggled and this is HUGE! well done you!