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The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread
- Thread starter MrsPOP
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MrsPOP
Mummy to Alice
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Definately Jen. I have a good friend on here for whom BF didn't work out first time and second time round it's been a success and when I read her difficulties although I sympathised as much as a friend who hadn't had a kid or tried to breastfeeding could, it was only until this happened with Alice that I truly 'got' the pain she was describing.
But I look at Alice and see how marvellous she is as you probably look at Sam and see how unbelievably awesome and it does help to numb the pain.
But I look at Alice and see how marvellous she is as you probably look at Sam and see how unbelievably awesome and it does help to numb the pain.
xx
Kage76
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I wonder whether I need to seek some help about my feelings over BF.
Basically I tried to speak to the lady who posted 'BF is real love' and she was very nice but then I ranted about a further thing (she had posted a petition wanting to ban formula advertising completely) because I feel BF advocacy can be misguided and should focus more on getting support in hospital than targeting Formula companies and she's basically told me we're no longer friends. I'm really upset about this, I don't want my feelings about my BF failure affecting my friendships but then I had to stand up for people like us, that's why I created this thread after all. It's a bloody crap situation to be and no-one cares about people like us but they should shouldn't they? Our feelings and experiences matter too? But no-one speaks about it. After all a friend of this friend told me she wishes people like us would stop talking about their experiences on the Internet because we're promoting FF???
Im really upset this has happened, I don't want to lose friends. I have many friends who BF and although I get a little kick of jealousy when I read about their BFing I'm mostly happy for them and am so glad they don't shove it down my throat but when I'm bombarded with BFing literature basically telling me all the things I feel inside for FF (that I'm a shit mum)...its just so hard to keep positive.
Seriously? she doesn't want to be friends with you because you have an issues with BF vs FF. Wow what a "friend". Sometimes things happen in your life that sort the wheat from the chaff and if someone burns you because they cant empathise about your issues with BFing then really they are not a friend.
As far as I can see SHE chose to end the friendship SHE is the one putting BF before friends- I don't see that you should take the guilt of that on too. I have plenty of friends who breastfeed- they have never made BFing a child a condition of that friendship. Its not a fricking club!
Mrs Pop- you did nothing wrong- dont give it another thought.
MrsPOP
Mummy to Alice
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Well it gets even worse...
She posted our entire private conversation onto her wall then blocked me so I couldn't defend myself and I can't report it as she blocked me. I'm stunned that because I tried to get her to see my perspective it turned into such a drama. We were very close so I'm really hurt but I stand by my original message, I love my FF daughter just as much as if she were BF.
She posted our entire private conversation onto her wall then blocked me so I couldn't defend myself and I can't report it as she blocked me. I'm stunned that because I tried to get her to see my perspective it turned into such a drama. We were very close so I'm really hurt but I stand by my original message, I love my FF daughter just as much as if she were BF.
Lil_Pixie
Xander's mummy
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Oh my god!! How rotten!
Why would someone even do that? I'm honestly stunned! I was just doing a little bnbing during my (3rd) night feed - I'm gonna be up for hours thinkin about that!
I hope you didn't say Nything you wouldn't want to share, but even if you did - your right and shes a bitch!
Why would someone even do that? I'm honestly stunned! I was just doing a little bnbing during my (3rd) night feed - I'm gonna be up for hours thinkin about that!
I hope you didn't say Nything you wouldn't want to share, but even if you did - your right and shes a bitch!
Kage76
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queenlavera
Mommy to a miracle
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MrsPop that is absolutely horrible how this 'friend' treated you! As Kage said why is BF a condition for friendship??
Ladies I would love to have you as friends on FB - Evelyn Messiah
Ladies I would love to have you as friends on FB - Evelyn Messiah
booflebump
Mummy to Toby
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MrsPOP - I am more than aware of the situation you are referring to, and cross posting from FB on to the forum is not permitted
Keep discussions that happen off forum, off the forum. Any further posting on this subject will be removed without warning.
Keep discussions that happen off forum, off the forum. Any further posting on this subject will be removed without warning.
I didn't know if it was counted as cross posting or not so Thankyou for making me aware and Thankyou to those who reported my posts. 
Lauren D.
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I think this thread is great, and I almost never even checked it out. I have been slowly giving up breastfeeding BY CHOICE, and I thought this thread might just be a bunch of women justifying each other's decisions. My standpoint was that breast milk was better and I knew that, but I still wasn't going to stick it out for a year or maybe not even the recommended exclusive 6 months. I thought that I deserved to feel guilty for that, and it is what it is. At least feeling guilty meant that I was informed, and I cared. Now I know better.
I see all of these women talking about how they were UNABLE to breastfeed. I see stuff about babies not latching, tongue ties, low milk supply, other medical conditions... where are the women who formula feed by choice? Or are they too ashamed to say so? Maybe they are somewhere in the 50-something pages, but I am not going to read all of the pages. At least not in one day.
I am so sorry that you ladies are suffering because you were unable to breastfeed. I wish that I could give you my supply rather than let it dry up, since it is something you so badly want to do. I have hated breastfeeding. This is not to say that I won't try again with the next (second) child, because I will.
I am currently still "breastfeeding" (expression and bottle feeding only), but have been gradually reducing my pumping sessions from every 3 hours to every 4-6. I tried actual breastfeeding in the hospital and I just could not deal with the pain. I had bruises and blisters and and was told conflicting things: "it's supposed to hurt" and "it's not supposed to hurt at all." It's a lose-lose, in other words. Either it's supposed to hurt and I just need to deal with the pain in order to be a good mother or I am doing it wrong and can't figure it out, despite all of the reading I've done and classes I took while I was pregnant, in preparation for something that I never dreamed would be so difficult. When it got to the point that I was dreading feeding her and the state of my nipples was just deteriorating, the nurses switched me to a pump for a "break." Needless to say I did not feel like switching back once my nipples had healed. The pump was still painful, but not nearly as bad. I decided to be a permanent pumper because it was a way to give my daughter breast milk without my pain or being frustrated.
I also think that we have been struggling with thrush, but no one has been able to tell me for sure. I had a yeast infection when she was born. They told me this while I was in labor. They did not tell me that it could lead to a thrush problem for baby and me. During and between feedings, I experienced a lot of pain and burning/itching. I had (have) white patches on my nipples that I thought was my skin coming off. My baby's tongue has always been coated white. I made a special appointment to see the pediatrician. He looked at her and said it may or may not be thrush, but we'll treat anyway. The medicine had to be given to her 4 times per day. Not feasible. I showed her tongue to a lactation consultant. She said it could be thrush, but also didn't know for sure. She had a different medication prescribed... this time one for her and one for me, one time a day for each of us. I used both medications every time, every day, and nothing seems to have changed. I still don't know whether the hell we had/have thrush. Apparently no one can tell us for sure. I've been going through the trouble of flash heating all of the frozen milk before feeding it to the baby, just to prevent feeding her more yeast IN CASE it was thrush. This is even more hassle.
Like I said, I started out pumping every 3 hours. This got to be extremely inconvenient and boring. I did it for 4-6 weeks (I forget which). I then decided that it was safe to decrease my pumping to every 4-6 hours. I had a large freezer stash and was producing more than my daughter needed. I didn't realize that my supply would drop so drastically. Now I cannot keep up with her and have to dip into my freezer stash. She's been on breast milk almost exclusively for 2 months, and with the help of the freezer stash, maybe I can make it to 3, but at this rate, I might not last beyond that.
I go back to work next month and I do not want to lug my pump and everything else back and forth from work. I do not want to have to try to take another break during my shift to pump. I decided I want to combination feed. I was thinking I'd pump 1-3 times a day at home and feed formula at daycare. I haven't felt great about the decision but, again, felt like it was okay to feel guilty because I should. I told my husband this. A few days later, during conversation, he repeated what I said about how formula feeders SHOULD feel a little guilty. It sounded horrible, hearing it out of someone else's mouth. And angering. As if anyone is in a position to judge me and tell me how I should feel....
Some of the articles that were linked to this thread really helped me out. I didn't realize how inconsistent the benefits of breast milk actually were in studies, and I think that the stress of continuing breast feeding, or even just being in this state of limbo where I can't decide what to do, is more destructive than feeding formula would be.
Breastfeeding is just not for me... at least not this go around. I pictured that it would be. But so much of becoming a parent is not the way you picture it to be.
I guess I just wanted to say that, at some point, I will likely switch to formula BY CHOICE, and I am not too ashamed to say so. Who the hell's business is it, anyway? There are so many choices that we make as parents during the 18 years that we raise our children, and each one of them has effects on our children. There was a study I read about that said that spanking can harm your child's IQ, as well. Even if I choose formula, at least I'm not one of the judgmental assholes who sneer at me and say horrible things. It would be so much worse for my child to have a parent like that.
I see all of these women talking about how they were UNABLE to breastfeed. I see stuff about babies not latching, tongue ties, low milk supply, other medical conditions... where are the women who formula feed by choice? Or are they too ashamed to say so? Maybe they are somewhere in the 50-something pages, but I am not going to read all of the pages. At least not in one day.
I am so sorry that you ladies are suffering because you were unable to breastfeed. I wish that I could give you my supply rather than let it dry up, since it is something you so badly want to do. I have hated breastfeeding. This is not to say that I won't try again with the next (second) child, because I will.
I am currently still "breastfeeding" (expression and bottle feeding only), but have been gradually reducing my pumping sessions from every 3 hours to every 4-6. I tried actual breastfeeding in the hospital and I just could not deal with the pain. I had bruises and blisters and and was told conflicting things: "it's supposed to hurt" and "it's not supposed to hurt at all." It's a lose-lose, in other words. Either it's supposed to hurt and I just need to deal with the pain in order to be a good mother or I am doing it wrong and can't figure it out, despite all of the reading I've done and classes I took while I was pregnant, in preparation for something that I never dreamed would be so difficult. When it got to the point that I was dreading feeding her and the state of my nipples was just deteriorating, the nurses switched me to a pump for a "break." Needless to say I did not feel like switching back once my nipples had healed. The pump was still painful, but not nearly as bad. I decided to be a permanent pumper because it was a way to give my daughter breast milk without my pain or being frustrated.
I also think that we have been struggling with thrush, but no one has been able to tell me for sure. I had a yeast infection when she was born. They told me this while I was in labor. They did not tell me that it could lead to a thrush problem for baby and me. During and between feedings, I experienced a lot of pain and burning/itching. I had (have) white patches on my nipples that I thought was my skin coming off. My baby's tongue has always been coated white. I made a special appointment to see the pediatrician. He looked at her and said it may or may not be thrush, but we'll treat anyway. The medicine had to be given to her 4 times per day. Not feasible. I showed her tongue to a lactation consultant. She said it could be thrush, but also didn't know for sure. She had a different medication prescribed... this time one for her and one for me, one time a day for each of us. I used both medications every time, every day, and nothing seems to have changed. I still don't know whether the hell we had/have thrush. Apparently no one can tell us for sure. I've been going through the trouble of flash heating all of the frozen milk before feeding it to the baby, just to prevent feeding her more yeast IN CASE it was thrush. This is even more hassle.
Like I said, I started out pumping every 3 hours. This got to be extremely inconvenient and boring. I did it for 4-6 weeks (I forget which). I then decided that it was safe to decrease my pumping to every 4-6 hours. I had a large freezer stash and was producing more than my daughter needed. I didn't realize that my supply would drop so drastically. Now I cannot keep up with her and have to dip into my freezer stash. She's been on breast milk almost exclusively for 2 months, and with the help of the freezer stash, maybe I can make it to 3, but at this rate, I might not last beyond that.
I go back to work next month and I do not want to lug my pump and everything else back and forth from work. I do not want to have to try to take another break during my shift to pump. I decided I want to combination feed. I was thinking I'd pump 1-3 times a day at home and feed formula at daycare. I haven't felt great about the decision but, again, felt like it was okay to feel guilty because I should. I told my husband this. A few days later, during conversation, he repeated what I said about how formula feeders SHOULD feel a little guilty. It sounded horrible, hearing it out of someone else's mouth. And angering. As if anyone is in a position to judge me and tell me how I should feel....
Some of the articles that were linked to this thread really helped me out. I didn't realize how inconsistent the benefits of breast milk actually were in studies, and I think that the stress of continuing breast feeding, or even just being in this state of limbo where I can't decide what to do, is more destructive than feeding formula would be.
Breastfeeding is just not for me... at least not this go around. I pictured that it would be. But so much of becoming a parent is not the way you picture it to be.
I guess I just wanted to say that, at some point, I will likely switch to formula BY CHOICE, and I am not too ashamed to say so. Who the hell's business is it, anyway? There are so many choices that we make as parents during the 18 years that we raise our children, and each one of them has effects on our children. There was a study I read about that said that spanking can harm your child's IQ, as well. Even if I choose formula, at least I'm not one of the judgmental assholes who sneer at me and say horrible things. It would be so much worse for my child to have a parent like that.
MrsPOP
Mummy to Alice
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I've been thinking today about how would I behave if I had been successful, as we have all said people couldn't understand where we are coming from unless they have experienced it themselves. Would I be passionate about BF but forget about those who are hurt by some of the thoughtless comments of BF advocacy? I know it's conjecture but I don't think I would, having seen a good friend go through the same thing.
Perhaps I went into too much detail posting in here recently but at the end of the day this is a BF grief support thread and I was grieved by a BF picture which said 'BF is about real love'. I know most rational people will think that is utter tosh but some people still believe that and it painful, like being told the bond is better with BF, like being told 'there is no I cant do it in my book'. It all exacerbates my fears of trying again with number 2 and seeking help on here. I dont want to expose myself to further pain.
I am not ashamed of my feelings or anything I have said on the subject throughout my time here or elsewhere, I don't hide the fact this has led me to PND which fortunately doesn't need medication but my experience has made me understand and feel for those in the same boat so I will never hide what I have to say on BF guilt at all. It's an important issue, just as important as BF advocacy.
What I would love to do is expand on this, people like us are untapped resources for BF awareness. Our experiences could teach people a lot and IMO make them better BF counsellors.
Perhaps I went into too much detail posting in here recently but at the end of the day this is a BF grief support thread and I was grieved by a BF picture which said 'BF is about real love'. I know most rational people will think that is utter tosh but some people still believe that and it painful, like being told the bond is better with BF, like being told 'there is no I cant do it in my book'. It all exacerbates my fears of trying again with number 2 and seeking help on here. I dont want to expose myself to further pain.
I am not ashamed of my feelings or anything I have said on the subject throughout my time here or elsewhere, I don't hide the fact this has led me to PND which fortunately doesn't need medication but my experience has made me understand and feel for those in the same boat so I will never hide what I have to say on BF guilt at all. It's an important issue, just as important as BF advocacy.
What I would love to do is expand on this, people like us are untapped resources for BF awareness. Our experiences could teach people a lot and IMO make them better BF counsellors.
Eala
Mum of two gorgeous girls
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Fearless Formula Feeder participated in a discussion on this recently, which was quite interesting (shame it was on The Alpha Parent
) I do think that we have a lot to offer. However, I think the majority of organisations would see this as "booby trapping", because heaven knows if you tell people the things which realistically could go wrong, they just won't try 
There is a group on FB (close friends with FFF) which is aiming to try and raise some awareness, and they are going to be expanding quite a lot this year. I'm fairly sure I'm not allowed to link to it, but the external site is going to be up soon, with info on ALL types of feeding, info on things which may preclude breastfeeding, parents stories, etc.
Thank you for the welcoming messages too, I do appreciate it (sorry it took me a few pages to catch up, I just don't have much time for posting just now
)
