The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[MrsPOP]

It is hard when you see ignorant, close-minded and prejudiced comments like that. I could list the amount of comments Ive read or heard from people who dont understand where people like us are coming from. However, since accessing the Fearless Formula Feeder blog and reading about the various struggles people have had and prejudices they have faced I feel more confident now to ignore those horrible comments on here and in public and hopefully will have been able to open the eyes of those on here who are judgemental of FF mums to realise in the world of feeding our babies, it isnt so straightforward, black or white, cut and dry.

This may be 'just' an internet forum and people may think what a faceless stranger says on here can be so upsetting. But it can and it does. For some people, this can be the only support network available and it isnt fair if people feel they cannot come on here for being judged.

Vintage, you are right. I believe 'they' as you put it might never get it unless they've been through it themselves. But if people like you, me and the other brave ladies share their stories about it, we can make 'them' realise what can and does happen to some ladies who wish to BF.

Someone mentioned making a new section for those like us but I think perhaps making this thread a sticky might be helpful. How would I go about doing this?

 

[sequeena]

There is a problem with the old "lack of support" routine.
There truly are supply problems that all the king's fenugreek and all the king's pumping won't fix.
There truly are medical conditions such as PCOS, diabetes and thyroid issues that can impede breastfeeding, and there truly are medications that are necessary but ill advised to take and pass along to an infant.

And the mother holding a bottle and being scorned cannot wear a poster saying all of that and more.

I'm afraid this thread, which comforted me a great deal at first, has ended up further upsetting me in the long run. I woke my husband up in the middle of the night asking him where my breast pump was a couple nights ago. (he had hidden it because I was so upset.) I worked myself up into quite a frenzy and still aren't over it.

"They" still don't get it and never will unless it happens to them.

I also saw some horrible things online on other websites. A BF'er said that she could "smell" a formula fed baby from several feet away because they stink.

I would really like to be able to go online and interact with other mothers without seeing all of this, and I realize it is impossible.

There's been a few comments from certain posters that have really irritated me, two from one person in a week if I recall.

One that sticks out in my mind from ages ago who I can't remember who posted it saying She can tell the difference between a ff baby and a bf baby because all ff babies are fat!!
Now I can understand slot of ladies in here, no names mentioned (!) that are very passionate about bf, who say they would never give thier baby formula and would go to the ends of the earth to never give it them ect. Comments like that piss me off cos it kind of feels like your giving your baby cocaine sometimes! But I'm pretty sure if you put a 100 babies in a room you'd not be able to pick out th breast fed ones. A picture of my first son with his friend 4 weeks younger who was bf... He was a right porker!

Well MrsPop can assure you that my FF son is slim! So slim infact he is 23 weeks and still fits into newborn trousers.

People can be so ridiculous at times!!

 

[MrsPOP]

Yup I can! Thomas is teeny tiny and bloody gorgeous!!!!!

Whereas my Alice is a giant! She's on the 91st centile for height but the 75th centile for weight so she's tall but slender-ish for her height ( unlike her mum who is short and fat )and she was like that at birth so she'd be that way even if she was BF!

 

[sequeena]

Yup I can! Thomas is teeny tiny and bloody gorgeous!!!!!

Whereas my Alice is a giant! She's on the 91st centile for height but the 75th centile for weight so she's tall but slender-ish for her height ( unlike her mum who is short and fat )and she was like that at birth so she'd be that way even if she was BF!

Exactly, how you feed your baby doesn't determine how they gain or hold their weight!

 

[daddiesgift]

Its horrible how there is so many sites that have articles and forums with women bashing formula feeding but god forbid you dislike breast feeding. I had milk come in, I let down fine, over all I LOATHED IT. Im beyond happy not to be breastfeeding and I was one of those Ill never ff my baby cause all the crap you hear. But my son is not fat, stupid, or smelly. And I think its the opposite that bf babies are the fat ones. I have about ten friends with children half ff fed half bf fed and by far the bf babies are chunkiest. Not that that is a bad thing, who doesnt LOVE a chubby baby! But I wont listen to anyone talk down to me about ffing ever again. The next child we have will be ff fed right away I wont wait so long like I did with my son. So take that judgemental people! I had no real reason to stop bfing besides it SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME and I did to give my baby "poison" and he is PERFECT!

 

[hannah22]

I am so thankful for this thread right now I feel terrible for not bfing my baby girl. She latched straight away after our waterbirth but then doctors took her off as I had to be rushed to theatre to have my placenta manually removed Willow spent the first three hours of her life between my mum and my partner and I feel I missed out and was just devastated at the time. I felt (still do) my body failed me. We tried constant skin to skin and she would latch and never suck to the point the midwives wanted to get a doctor to check her over. Her cries of frustration broke my heart. For two days I expressed her my colostrum before becoming so stressed and worried she wasn't getting enough that I chose to ff her.

We can only do our best for our babies and I hope to get the chance to bf when I chose to have another baby x

 

[andella95]

Thank so much for creating this thread. I'm struggling so much as my baby was not gaining weight through bf-ing and my doctor hospitalized both of us and we found out through before & after weights she was only getting 8-10 oz of breastmilk a day.

We've started supplementing and working on increasing my supply and she is very, very slowly gaining now.

I feel awful and depressed and all I think about all day long is whether she is getting enough to eat and gaining weight. I feel like I can't even enjoy her the way I should because I am so worried about her. It's to the point where it's affecting my relationship with my 3 year old son and my husband, as well.

I am in the US and on WIC and at the local office there are signs everywhere that say things like "Breastfeeding is NORMAL. Bottlefeeding is ABNORMAL." I hate it. But if my milk supply keeps dropping and we have to use even more formula, we simply can't afford it without the assistance of WIC!

My baby's pediatrician is awesome, awesome, awesome (actually, an old friend of my husband's growing up), and is very supportive of breastfeeding, but made it clear that my focus had to be on getting calories into my baby. I'm still at a point where my emotional needs are conflicting with my baby's physical needs, but I'm putting her needs above mine, of course.

I'm just so stressed out all of the time and I wish I had someone to talk to that understood even a bit of what I'm going through.

 

[andella95]

I wish I would have had more info before too because by the time I started having problems, searching for support/help/info was disheartening and made me feel worse. I had even tried to post a thread in the bf forum for help, just to be told 'Just feed your baby and quit supplementing!' It actually made me feel more like crap

THIS! Exactly. I will NOT make my baby go hungry and even though I know I should be happy that I am feeding my baby and providing for my child (instead of insisting that no formula will be given to MY child, as though it's poison - all while talking about how it's okay that she's not growing because that's *normal* for breastfed babies), I still feel guilty and a wreck.

...Edited to add...
I think that most breastfeeding mom's are very supportive of formula feeders. It just feels like sometimes when people are talking about all of the things they had to do and how it worked out for them because they did x, y, and z...well, I feel even more inadequate. I don't want my own feelings of inadequacy to be projected onto other mom's who ARE successful at breastfeeding or onto those who choose not to breastfeed, even though they are perfectly physically capable of doing so. I just need lots of hugs, as well all do!!!

 

[sequeena]

I kept being told that Thomas didn't need formula. The milk I had would sustain him but he wouldn't stop screaming. How could I ignore his screams? After 1 hour of bfing it just wasn't fair to leave him so distressed.

 

[ValentinesGal]

I wish I would have had more info before too because by the time I started having problems, searching for support/help/info was disheartening and made me feel worse. I had even tried to post a thread in the bf forum for help, just to be told 'Just feed your baby and quit supplementing!' It actually made me feel more like crap

...Edited to add...
I think that most breastfeeding mom's are very supportive of formula feeders. It just feels like sometimes when people are talking about all of the things they had to do and how it worked out for them because they did x, y, and z...well, I feel even more inadequate. I don't want my own feelings of inadequacy to be projected onto other mom's who ARE successful at breastfeeding or onto those who choose not to breastfeed, even though they are perfectly physically capable of doing so. I just need lots of hugs, as well all do!!!

I certainly do agree that most breastfeeding mom's are very supportive and I believe that they mean well to advice-seeking people like myself. When we're stressed or are beating ourselves up, even well-meaning advice can come across insenstive or can make us feel worse.

I'd like to add, from reading everyone's stories I learned that PCOS could affect breastfeeding, which I was not aware of. This is almost like a double-edged sword, as the PCOS may have been contributing to my supply issues...so it actually makes me feel better and less guilty, but at the same time, its like seriously?! Not only did we struggle to even get pregnant, but now its possibly affecting us in this way. However, I feel that I've almost made my peace with it and we'll give it a good run with the next baby.

I hope everyone is feeling more supported and that you all are able to feel less guilty sooner than later. You ladies truely are fantastic and shouldn't have feel so bad. Hugs all around

 

[MrsPOP]

I certainly do agree that most breastfeeding mom's are very supportive and I believe that they mean well to advice-seeking people like myself. When we're stressed or are beating ourselves up, even well-meaning advice can come across insenstive or can make us feel worse.
:

^^^This...this a MILLION times.

 

[becsparkel]

Nearly cried reading your post, it's so similar to what happened to me & LO but the big difference was that we saw a brilliant bf specialist midwife who got me to latch LO on... Without her we wouldn't have stood a chance. my heart goes out to you.

Also if your LO has a lip tie, it's more than likely she also has a posterior Tongue tie which is very difficult to see but causes havoc with bf and latching.

You did amazingly to persevere as long as you did, please don't feel guilty - sometimes baby's mouths just don't work the way we need them to.

Lots of live & hugs x x x

 

[fides]

excellent thread - thanks so much for starting it! while i was unable to bf for different reasons, many of the feelings are the same - total failure, and what's wrong with me...

I to struggle with BF because of low supply that never did get established so we have to formula feed.
I find it hard when I see other mums BF and think why can't I do that? Why did my body fail me yet again.

I tried lactation consultants to see if they could help...they told me nothing that i didnt know already. also tried prolactin enhancing drugs (Domperidone) and also a herb called goats rue. Both of which didn't do much at all.

I do still express some milk but she doesnt get put on the breast anymore since she just fusses and she never gets any where near enough for a full meal. Shes lucky if she gets a full meal of expressed milk every couple of days. Even now my supply is getting lower and lower so soon there will be none at all to give her.

could have written most of that.

I have suffered from sever PND with both of my boys, who are now 4 and 6. All because of no help with BFing from the right people, they were so quick to jump on me to FF,

same here - i'm now on a Rx for my PND/PPD, and they think it was "triggered" by being unable to bf b/c i'd had my heart set on it.

I had even tried to post a thread in the bf forum for help, just to be told 'Just feed your baby and quit supplementing!' It actually made me feel more like crap

i did the exact same thing - went to that section looking for positive stories/support when my milk still hadn't come in and i and was told the same stuff... people should not give advice when they don't know all the details, and, yeah, fenugreek is not the end-all answer... /rant

 

[andella95]

have you ever just...read something you knew you probably shouldn't regarding breastfeeding and then collapsed in tears...unable to stop crying?

i just did. and my heart is breaking and i hate not being able to get support but instead to be confronted with hate and ignorance instead....

i was doing so much better...now i'm just a mess again. i can't even type. i need help....

 

[MrsPOP]

have you ever just...read something you knew you probably shouldn't regarding breastfeeding and then collapsed in tears...unable to stop crying?

i just did. and my heart is breaking and i hate not being able to get support but instead to be confronted with hate and ignorance instead....

i was doing so much better...now i'm just a mess again. i can't even type. i need help....

Sweetheart, talk to us...let us help you. What was it you read? *MASSIVE HUGS*

 

[Snugggs]

have you ever just...read something you knew you probably shouldn't regarding breastfeeding and then collapsed in tears...unable to stop crying?

i just did. and my heart is breaking and i hate not being able to get support but instead to be confronted with hate and ignorance instead....

i was doing so much better...now i'm just a mess again. i can't even type. i need help....

Hugs for you .... i feel very similar to you after reading a thread over on the BF section, thankfully admin have locked it now.

I've had a small apiphany today.... i'm already drowning in guilt at the fact that for a second time ive birthed a preemie who had low birth weight (with all the other complications that go with it). Adding the guilt of failing BF'ing on top of that, i feel i'm just willingly opening my arms to PND.... so, i've decided, i'm going to wipe the BF guilt from my slate!

My beautiful baby WILL be a happy FF baby...
My beautiful baby WILL thrive as a FF baby...
My beautiful baby WILL love me no matter what milk he drinks...

I am NOT a failure...
I am NOT a bad mom for FF'ing...
I am and always will be the BEST for my baby

 

[andella95]

The thing is that I am fortunately, still breastfeeding, but supplementing with formula (at her pediatricians insistance AFTER being hospitalized with monitored feeds.) Things aren't going as well as I thought, and so everything is still very, very raw for me, as I feel like I'm still at that stage where I am constantly struggling to get her enough breastmilk without giving so much formula that it harms what supply I have.

I DO need breastfeeding support, but I fail to understand why pro-breastfeeding has to mean anti-formula.

Last night I was holding my little girl and felt so happy for a while because I was just thankful that I have her at all. I struggled so long with miscarriages (so...failures) and now that she's here I wish I could just enjoy her. For those truly struggling....breastfeeding can harm the bonding relationship that breastfeeding is supposed to promote.

I just need someone to tell me that it really, truly, is okay if this doesn't work out. If my milk supply keeps dropping. If her weight drops. If she's still wearing newborn clothes in a few weeks....that if it happens...it is okay if I had formula. That I'm not poisoning my child. I often wonder how many mothers that profess to be just giving the best to their child and judge others for not doing the same continue that pattern with absolutely only clean eating and no even slightly junky food. I don't know.

I'm a big believer in following your instincts as a mother, and all the negativity just screws with my head. But I NEED support and have questions and don't even know where to ask anymore! I'm not able to word things well right now. I'm sorry.

 

[Snugggs]

IT IS OK .... it's completely ok if it doesn't work out.

Firstly you are a mother, which makes you amazing anyway and secondly, circumstances beyond your power of reach made BF'ing ni-on impossible for you. You tried your best and your intentions were completely in the right place but sometimes thing don't lead where we'd like them. But it's hard to get your head round when i'ts something out of our control (if that makes sense?)

I completely understand how you feel. This was my thread a few days ago ... https://www.babyandbump.com/breastf...ve-give-up-bfing-help-reassurance-needed.html ...

Even with just a tiny tincy wincy drop of breast milk, we have given our babies the best start we could.... and i completely agree with you that sometimes BF can harm bonding when it's not going well.

I would also like to add to anyone who may read this that is very pro BF and against FF that believe it or not, my baby hates the taste of breast milk. he screws his face and spits it out lol.... nature is not text book and nor should raising a baby be....

to all you ladies

 

[MrsPOP]

Andella, Ive just read that thread and WOW.

You know it didnt upset me, it just angered me that there are idiots like that out there. Honey, people like that will one day realise the error of their ways. Im a firm believer of that. One day she may have to do something she didnt expect to have to do in her life, wth her child or elsewhere...and she will receive the spiteful, sneering disdain she has shown today towards mothers who dont BF. Karma comes and bites you on the ass sometimes!!!!

I dont know why people make comments like that, it serves no true purpose. Sneering at FF mums or BF mums who are struggling will not serve to make that FF mum change her mind or to help the struggling BF mum to overcome her struggles...it just makes them feel worser than they felt anyway, like utter shit! So why do it? Its just nasty is what it is. That person doesnt know our situations, she wasnt there through the hell we all went through. I wish I could play her a second by second video of the first week of my LO's life and see if she feels the same. You can be pro-BF as some lovely ladies are on here and also sympathetic to the trials of ex BFers like us (I no longer wish to call myself a failure).

We are all amazing mums. The fact we feel bad is a sign we are amazing mums. We want to do what is right by our children and feel terrible because something we feel we should have done for our children hasnt worked out and we dont want our children to suffer as a result of this. And you know what? THEY WONT SUFFER. They love us and they are healthy thriving children. to all.

 

[sequeena]

I saw that thread and it's made me feel sick. Yes what she said hurt but what's worse is people I've come to like agree with her.

I am beginning to hate this forum, there are only a handful of people who I can call true friends.