The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[MrsPOP]

I beg of you, please dont turn this into a BF vs FF thread. This thread is about ladies dealing with their personal feelings of guilt and sharing their stories. I felt so alone when I first had Alice, I saw so many people succeeding and I came to the conclusion I hadnt tried hard enough when in actual fact I had and drove myself to the brink. I have often said to my husband he should take Alice away from me because Im not worthy to be her mother, which isnt just about the BFing thing but it has a lot to do with it.

As a lot of you may remember I am a GP and let me tell you, we get NO TRAINING about breastfeeding. My only experience was when I was on my paeds rotation in the same hospital we were readmitted to and I saw a lot of failure to thrivers, breastmilk jaundiced babies and reflux kiddies. I never expected to be back there 2 years later with my own jaundiced baby who had lost weight and ended up with severe reflux.

However, given what I have been through (SPD, pre clampsia, induction, c section, BF Stuff and a baby with reflux and a hole in her heart) I hope it will make me a better Doctor for my patients.

But I feel the Happy Mum = Happy Baby is a very true and important phrase. When I was stuck on that bloody breast pump in hospital, frantic with worry about my poor daughter, I remember texting my best friend and said I was out of my mind wth worry and I felt like throwing myself out of the window...and I genuinely meant it. But having this thread has helped me...FINALLY...to be the happy mum my wonderfully happy and beautiful daughter deserved from day one.

 

[Saphira]

So yes, you may despise the term, but in some cases, it is actually true. Trying (unsuccessfully)b to BF made both me and Freya deeply unhappy. Once I switched to formula, we were both happier, so in my case, it's true.

Same with us.

 

[Celesse]

I'm a second time mummy, and a breastfeeding peer supporter and I'm still having issues with BFing DS. I think I will probably overcome them but my BFing has been on the critical list. I had problems with my DD as well and have shed a lot of tears with both children when it has looked like I couldn't feed them. I could sit here and say that I'm still here because I persevered, but that wouldn't be true, I just got a lucky breakthrough before I hit the point at which trying to feed became emotionally unhealthy.

Sometimes BFing doesn't go well. Sometimes mummy can do everything possible and it still doesn't work. A lot of time there's bad advice and lack of support. But I don't think that the reality of what its like to experience breastfeeding troubles can truly be conveyed on the forums unless you have gone through it.

Mummy's aren't just a set of boobs and there is a lot more to bringing up a child than how they are fed.

 

[feeble]

I only used the "happy mum = happy baby" analogy to try to HELP the ladies who feel guilty for not being able to/stopping BF. After all, isn't that what this thread is about??

So yes, you may despise the term, but in some cases, it is actually true. Trying (unsuccessfully)b to BF made both me and Freya deeply unhappy. Once I switched to formula, we were both happier, so in my case, it's true.

I Totally agree, i just happen to think that particular phrase demeans women (regardless of feeding choices) who put their kids first, which i think we all do actually x

 

[feeble]

I suppose its more, that i dont feel women who have chosen to formula feed have put themselves first at all, i think they have made a choice based on what makes their babies happy if that makes sense

Happy mother = Happy baby takes something away from that and i fear bleeds into this idea of being a failure if you dont breastfeed which is absolutely not the case x

 

[fides]

The thing is supply issues are not new. Even back in the days before formula women did have difficulty feeding their babies. You know what? the mortality rate for infants was massive. If you were one of the wealthy you found a wet nurse- someone else to feed your child- if you weren't rich you just had a "sickly" baby who more than likely wouldn't make it to 2. Between those 2 choices give me that damn tin.

well said - i was thinking about this very point last night, about how some women just haven't had the milk and that's not a new thing... as my m/w told me, my 1st priority is making sure my son is fed. my 2nd priority is trying to BF if i can.

I felt so alone when I first had Alice, I saw so many people succeeding and I came to the conclusion I hadnt tried hard enough when in actual fact I had and drove myself to the brink. I have often said to my husband he should take Alice away from me because Im not worthy to be her mother, which isnt just about the BFing thing but it has a lot to do with it.

yes, the reason i went in to get checked for PPD was b/c i was sitting there thinking one night that my son would be better off with a different mom, and that it was like i'm just a babysitter b/c even a babysitter can give a kid a bottle - nothing special about that.

It really hurts that all of my local friends are able to nurse their babies, so when they see me pull out the bottle, they ask why i am not nursing. why is it that everyone who sees me with a bottle feels they are entitled to ask why i'm not nursing and add salt to the wound?

when we finally gave in and accepted that my milk just wasn't going to come in, my DH was sad b/c all our friends BF, and i told him sarcastically that they're just better parents than we are - i know that's not true, but it does feel that way when your chest won't function the way it's supposed to.

 

[BabyBoo36]

I suppose its more, that i dont feel women who have chosen to formula feed have put themselves first at all, i think they have made a choice based on what makes their babies happy if that makes sense

Happy mother = Happy baby takes something away from that and i fear bleeds into this idea of being a failure if you dont breastfeed which is absolutely not the case x

Yes, put like that, I understand what you mean x

 

[lovelylaura]

I just have to say ive been reading this the past few days and although it has reminded me of the pain of trying to bf it has been lovely to see im not the only one and i take comfort in that. Thankyou for making this thread its nice place to be when your a bit in limbo land with the way you feed your baby it feels that on bnb your either all or nothing and for me that's not true

 

[patch2006uk]

I suppose its more, that i dont feel women who have chosen to formula feed have put themselves first at all, i think they have made a choice based on what makes their babies happy if that makes sense

Happy mother = Happy baby takes something away from that and i fear bleeds into this idea of being a failure if you dont breastfeed which is absolutely not the case x

The thing I don't like about the phrase happy mum = happy baby is that I don't think it helps women who desperately want to BF and, for whatever reason, can't. If you're sobbing inside everytime formula passes your LO's lips because you wanted to BF, and someone comes along and says 'don't worry, breastfeeding's not for everyone. Happy mum = happy baby', then that dismisses a woman's feelings about BFing, assuming that she is now 'happy' with her LO being formula fed, and not experiencing any guilt or mourning over the loss of the desired and intended BFing relationship.

This thread is full of stories that could easily have been my own. My son wouldn't latch for 8 days. Wouldn't even open his mouth. He lapped at a cup of milk and that was it. We had wonderful support, ironically because we're in an area with low BFing rates and they're investing in support services, and somehow we got through that week of pumping every 2 hours and cup feeding and sterilising and formula top-ups. I do believe if LO hadn't latched by the time he did, I'd have switched him to formula, or at least expressed until my milk dried up (which wouldn't have been long - I can't express much at all, even now) and then thrown in the towel. It was sheer luck that LO was awake on the last of the LC's visits and he decided to open his mouth and finally feed. I think part of the reason I'm so passionate about it because I had to fight hard to make it work, and I appreciate it could just as easily not have come together.

It really saddens me when women who want to breastfeed are simply told 'it's not for everyone'. I've heard it likened to being told by your doctor after a fractured leg 'walking's not for everyone; here's a wheelchair'. There are cases where physically the woman cannot produce enough milk, often in thyroid or PCOS cases, but realistically, if any other body part didn't work properly, it would be investigated and the person would be supported in finding a solution that worked for them, and given the resources and the time and help from knowledgeable professionals to make peace with whatever the outcome has to be. Just because breastfeeding involves breasts, doesn't mean it should be given any less significance than if a leg or an arm or a liver that isn't working as intended.

My heart goes out to anyone who wanted to breastfeed and couldn't, for either physical reasons or because they were let down by the system. I urge anyone who's had bad advice or an unsupportive HV or other medical professional to complain to the NHS trust. Only if enough people speak up will the voices finally be heard

 

[patch2006uk]

This is an article I read a while ago, and I just wanted to share this passage regarding the 'happy mum = happy baby' phrase:

"She’s spent her pregnancy imagining mothering includes breastfeeding. She visualised holding her baby close and nursing. She’s bought breastpads, dammit, and she wants her breasts to see active nutritional service! She has perhaps learnt the facts and statistics off by heart, she is desperate to breastfeed. And yet it is Just Not Working, for whatever reason. And she is sad about it – grieving, perhaps.

Is the best thing to tell her that she should stop doing what she wants to do, what she’s imagined herself doing, give formula and – above all – be happy about it? Really?"

Taken from https://www.howbreastfeedingworks.com/2011/04/06/happy-mum-happy-baby/ (It is a pro-breastfeeding site, but this article I think deals quite well with women who are struggling to establish BFing and what's a helpful thing to say, and what isn't - hope no-one minds me sharing)

 

[Eala]

Patch, you make a good point about research. As you say, if another body part just simply failed to work, there would be investigations done. And, dare I say it, if this were a male problem, there would be more research

As it is, I think they could do with fewer of the (very poor) studies such as the one done recently about breastfed babies being more unsettled. That study, like so many studies into infant feeding, was flawed from the start, and didn't really show anything. As we are told, repeatedly, on my nursing course; "Correlation does not equal causation." Instead, wouldn't it be great if they actually did some proper scientific research into the whys and wherefors of what can go wrong with breastfeeding? Not for the studies to then be used as a stick to beat Mums with, but to actually inform the obstetric professionals? To even try and find treatments?

That's what I would like to see, anyway.

 

[patch2006uk]

Patch, you make a good point about research. As you say, if another body part just simply failed to work, there would be investigations done. And, dare I say it, if this were a male problem, there would be more research

As it is, I think they could do with fewer of the (very poor) studies such as the one done recently about breastfed babies being more unsettled. That study, like so many studies into infant feeding, was flawed from the start, and didn't really show anything. As we are told, repeatedly, on my nursing course; "Correlation does not equal causation." Instead, wouldn't it be great if they actually did some proper scientific research into the whys and wherefors of what can go wrong with breastfeeding? Not for the studies to then be used as a stick to beat Mums with, but to actually inform the obstetric professionals? To even try and find treatments?

That's what I would like to see, anyway.

100% agree.

Although, feeding is such an emotive issue. And I can understand why scientists shy away from the area, as there are so many environmental factors regarding babies too, it must be a nightmare to untangle.

 

[feeble]

Patch I totally agree with your points, I do think that a phrase like 'happy mum happy baby' is just so simplistic it removes the right to be proud of a struggle (as you or I went through) and that plenty of mothers go through with feeding, and I am certainly not just talking bfing mamas there, ff mamas go through which formula is best, lactose intolerance, constipation etc etc..

Feeding is a minefield whatever you do.

I like the idea of studies into milk production but how could you research it? We (mothers) will always put our children first so we are not going to watch a baby loosing weight over a period of a week or more for a study, when we can nourish them with a bottle... So it would be a pretty hard thing to study x

 

[Eala]

Conditions like IGT can very often be spotted before a woman is even pregnant, if a person knows what they are looking for. So how about research into why it's becoming a lot more common? PCOS affects anywhere between 1 in 5 and 1 in 10 women of childbearing age - but *why* does it cause problems for some women and not others?

No, you're not going to be able to do double-blind, randomised controlled trials on this issue, but there are definitely avenues which should be getting looked into which aren't.

 

[maria2611]

I feel terribly guilty that I couldn't breastfeed my son, although it wasn't really my choice in the end. He is three months old now and I am slowly getting over it, but it's still hurting me. All the way through my pregnancy I was adament I would breastfeed him, and was really looking forward to it. I didn't think for one second that I would formula feed, because for me breastfeeding was what I wanted.

Basically, from the minute he was born he would not take to the breast AT ALL. He just got really frustrated and screamed the place down every time I tried to feed him. It was horrible to watch. This went on for three days of me constantly trying to feed him, with no sleep for either of us. Midwives told me I was positioning him correctly and the milk was there, and that he that he should be feeding. There was no explanation for why he was doing it, but they checked his mouth and said there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Eventually, after 4 days with no sleep since his birth, I just gave up and gave him one bottle of formula. Being that exhaused, I didn't even care anymore - I just wanted to sleep It took him ages to even get any milk out the bottle, and only had a tiny bit and then fell asleep.

We got home finally and I discussed everything with my midwife, who was absolutely lovely, and she said we could still try and get him to breastfeed. I kept expressing as much as I could and had as much skin to skin contact with him as possible for about 6 weeks, but he never did understand and I felt completely crap that he wouldn't take it from me. In the end I just gave up and put him on formula.

Some days I feel great that I finally stopped fighting and gave in because i'm happy and enjoying my baby when I felt like such a rubbish excuse for a women at the beginning. He is such a healthy and happy little guy who never stops smiling. But then other days I feel completely crap because I think that maybe, somehow, I could have tried harder. It hurts me everyday that he wouldn't feed from me. Not all mothers can breastfeed, and not all babys can either.

 

[Kage76]

maybe the saying happy mum happy bubs is overly simplistic. For me it was very true. Sophie was and is very happy on formula- it was only me who was shredding myself inside about my failure to breastfeed. I had to look at what i was doing to myself and ask myself did my daughter need a mum who was strung out and depressed or one who had accepted that although breastfeeding would be ideal it was not possible for us. It didn't happen overnight- I focused on being ok with formula feed by feed- at the beginning it felt like I was pretending- but as she grew and became a happy, thriving baby the way i fed her lost its importance. I can honestly say that I am 100% ok with FF. Both mum and bubs are happy- that's what's important

 

[MrsPOP]

I understand what you mean about happy mum= happy baby but some mums need to hear things like that. As you say, its all very emotive and very personal.

You know what else is positive though about all this, the thought of having another baby and trying to BF used to send shivers down my spine but now it doesnt

 

[Kage76]

you know whats great for me- is that if i do have another child im going to go into it with a very open mind- if it works great- if it doesn't oh well. The funny thing is I personally think the one thing that really affected my supply was the stress and the pressure i put on myself. Murphy's law states if i go in to the next one not giving a damn on how i feed them i'll be able to breastfeed with ease lol

 

[fides]

I feel terribly guilty that I couldn't breastfeed my son, although it wasn't really my choice in the end.

i just have to say - the picture of your son in your avatar is one of the cutest baby pictures i've ever seen. he's adorable!!

you know whats great for me- is that if i do have another child im going to go into it with a very open mind- if it works great- if it doesn't oh well. The funny thing is I personally think the one thing that really affected my supply was the stress and the pressure i put on myself. Murphy's law states if i go in to the next one not giving a damn on how i feed them i'll be able to breastfeed with ease lol

you know, there's probably something to that. we didn't get pregnant until the cycle where i just quit trying - wonder if it's like that with BF...

 

[Celesse]

you know whats great for me- is that if i do have another child im going to go into it with a very open mind- if it works great- if it doesn't oh well. The funny thing is I personally think the one thing that really affected my supply was the stress and the pressure i put on myself. Murphy's law states if i go in to the next one not giving a damn on how i feed them i'll be able to breastfeed with ease lol

you know, there's probably something to that. we didn't get pregnant until the cycle where i just quit trying - wonder if it's like that with BF...

It was in my experience. My daughter was a non latcher and I was discharged from hospital with the "kind" words of the midwife saying "I wonder if she will ever latch on?". I went home intending to try and exclusively express for 3 months. When I got home I put her skin to skin before her feeds and my expressing cos it was nice and helped me express better. And that's when I got the lucky break I mentioned in my last post and she started latching. Loads of people have said that maybe she could sense I was more relaxed and that's what enabled her to latch on, but I still think it was just luck.