The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[feeble]

I dont really belong here but i just want to say

A mother who feeds her child is not a failure, no matter how she does it

Its mothers who DONT feed their children who are failures, they are fortunately few and far between x

I do wish there was more support/help and advice for young mothers around feeding but dont ever call yourselves failures, because every time you nourish your child HOWEVER you do it, you are being their saviours, not failing them x

 

[summer rain]

I saw that post and was very disheartened and wanted to respond, but alas when I saw it, it had already been locked. I am admittedly very pro-BF and I feel particularly strongly in cases where ladies are given misinformation or a lack of support regarding BF and this means they wrongly feel they cannot BF; or have to give up before they need to (for example there have been many ladies on BF section looking to relactate as they were wrongly told a harmless medication they were on was incompatible with BF), but this doesn't mean I am at all anti-FF and nor are most ladies who are very pro-BF either. Unfortunately some people (not saying anyone on this thread, but in general) do see anyone who wants to give accurate info about BF as automatically being anti-FF-and this is unfair. Anyway this all reminds me a bit of a similar situation; I am a Muslim and the majority of Muslims are not zealots or nutters but its the vocal few who ruin it for the rest of us and make it look like all Muslims hold these views; sadly there are a few BFers who are the same. xx

 

[andella95]

I'm stronger than this. I am. I have to be.

I am holding in my arms a beautiful sleeping little girl.

On this thread I have heard nice words that have truly made a difference for me today. I really didn't want this to be specifically about things that were said in another thread, so I'm trying not to refer to it.

I'm going to try to change things...not be scared away and not let my feelings get hurt anymore. Knowing that I am not alone helps a lot!

Sorry all my posts are so random, I'm usually typing with one hand while praying she's getting something out of what she's sucking on right now!

 

[andella95]

Unfortunately some people (not saying anyone on this thread, but in general) do see anyone who wants to give accurate info about BF as automatically being anti-FF-and this is unfair. Anyway this all reminds me a bit of a similar situation; I am a Muslim and the majority of Muslims are not zealots or nutters but its the vocal few who ruin it for the rest of us and make it look like all Muslims hold these views; sadly there are a few BFers who are the same. xx

So true - good analogy!

 

[MrsPOP]

I saw that thread and it's made me feel sick. Yes what she said hurt but what's worse is people I've come to like agree with her.

I am beginning to hate this forum, there are only a handful of people who I can call true friends.

I know, I went through a very similar time in 2nd tri. It's a shame, we're all adults here, we can agree to disagree on subjects without resorting to being horrible to each other.

 

[MrsPOP]

I saw that post and was very disheartened and wanted to respond, but alas when I saw it, it had already been I am admittedly very pro-BF and I feel particularly strongly in cases where ladies are given misinformation or a lack of support regarding BF and this means they wrongly feel they cannot BF; or have to give up before they need to (for example there have been many ladies on BF section looking to relactate as they were wrongly told a harmless medication they were on was incompatible with BF), but this doesn't mean I am at all anti-FF and nor are most ladies who are very pro-BF either. Unfortunately some people (not saying anyone on this thread, but in general) do see anyone who wants to give accurate info about BF as automatically being anti-FF-and this is unfair. Anyway this all reminds me a bit of a similar situation; I am a Muslim and the majority of Muslims are not zealots or nutters but its the vocal few who ruin it for the rest of us and make it look like all Muslims hold these views; sadly there are a few BFers who are the same. xx

Summer Rain in posts I've seen from you, you have always come across as very kind and respectful to others, always willing to help and never anti-FF. I know most of the more prolific BFing posters on here are the same.

 

[vintage67]

Andella, I don't know why I read that crap either, but I did.

Like you, some days I am really close to losing it.

My medical bills are piling up, husband's work is slowing down, and our dog just died 2 days before Christmas! Sounds like a country western song!
And my "miracle baby" that I had at the age of 44---sometimes I can't enjoy him as I should because of this crap!

My breast pump is now sitting right here by the computer. It was packed away and hidden by my husband until several nights ago when "stuff on the internet" made me drag it out at 3am and start pumping a dry well like a mad woman. Overslept the next morning and was late getting my son to school and he missed a test. "Failed two kids in 6 hours." That's how it felt.

I am really struggling and Ive gone through this twice. (my story is earlier in
thread). Husband says "don't go online!!!!" but he is gone a lot and I feel very lonely and isolated. It's a shame that a new mom has to go through this.

After a horrible recovery from a staph infection, I am still weak, and sore, and exhausted. I hate feeling that way physically and I hate feeling that way mentally. I am disgusted with myself for letting this get to me so badly.
I feel trapped. There is nothing I can do about the breastfeeding.

My 7 year old son is thriving and very healthy. (By the way I saw another thread somewhere where a FF mom mentioned the health of her kids and someone said they didnt' believe her!!!!) But he is healthy! And certainly adores me! And yet here I am with going through this bullshit again.

Don't know if I am more mad , sad , depressed or bordering on insanity! Spin a wheel and pick!!!!!!!

 

[MrsPOP]

Vintage, get rid of that breastpump for the sake of your sanity please. As my DH often says to me, no-one can say you didn't try your damndest to BF. Having that pump in your house is only going to be a further reminder of the hell you went through. You never know, once you throw it in the bin you may find that is a huge weight off your mind

 

[fides]

I saw that thread and it's made me feel sick. Yes what she said hurt but what's worse is people I've come to like agree with her.

I am beginning to hate this forum, there are only a handful of people who I can call true friends.

hope you stick around - i remember you from the pregnancy threads, and i do hope you stay. i have made use of the ignore list feature in my user cp before - comes in handy if you need to put someone on ignore.

Vintage, get rid of that breastpump for the sake of your sanity please. As my DH often says to me, no-one can say you didn't try your damndest to BF. Having that pump in your house is only going to be a further reminder of the hell you went through. You never know, once you throw it in the bin you may find that is a huge weight off your mind

i just packed up the few hundred dollars of breastfeeding stuff i'd bought - manual and electric pump, bras, covers, creams, pads, supplements, books - feels so much better not to have that all that in the nursery anymore.

 

[BabyBoo36]

Girls, I've just read that thread and I'm going to say this really loud.

WE MADE THE BEST CHOICE FOR THE HEALTH AND WELL BEING OF US AND OUR BABIES. NEVER FORGET THAT. Healthy, happy Mummy = Healthy, Happy Baby = Healthy, Happy Mummy.

Do not let the sanctimonious, judgmental, holier than thou, small minded views of a couple of individuals bring you down. Who made them God? Who gives them the right to comment on other people's parenting CHOICES! It has nothing to do with them. It's threads like that which give the BF forum a bad name, which is actually a great shame because there ARE some lovely, supportive people on there, including Summer Rain.

Our babies ARE happy and healthy, and that's the most important thing. If they can't/won't see that, it says more about them than any choice we have made xxxxxx

 

[Pinky12]

Hi ladies. I have read up on your stories and would just like to say I think you are all amazing and you should not feel like a failure at all

I am a new first time mother who has struggled with bf from day one. I persevered and thought I was doing well until the midwife came over and made me feel like cr@p! She started telling me that my daughter had jaundice and its because she wasn't getting enough milk from me. She weighed her and she was 2g below the recommended percentage weight loss! She asked me to feed Daisy (although she ad been informed that she had fed for half an hour before she came) and when feeding she said she wasn't watching properly and I wasn't doing it right. My little girl was half asleep after just having her feed..... What did she expect??! She left us and I was really upset and I knew I had struggled and felt a complete let down.

That night Daisy didn't want to settle or feed at all and to be honest I think it was all die to my upset and anxiety. I decided to try and express milk and get my husband to feed her which wad a mild success. Since then I have not wanted to put her or me through that stress and therefore have continued to express.

I know I am still giving her my breast milk but I still feel that I let my little girl down. I have promised that I am going to think positive about it as she is putting weight back on and seems happy in herself.

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories x

 

[summer rain]

^Thats really awful hun Jaundice is in general not a sign of baby not getting enough, 70% of babies are jaundiced, and being horrible to you for her being 2g (less than half a teaspoon worth!) over the 10% they are allowed to lose really is just petty-in some areas they let them go to a 15% loss depending on the original weight of the baby, their overall health etc. So sorry you have had to go through that kind of treatment xx

 

[BabyBoo36]

What really strikes me about so many of these type of posts, is how many women were given completely misleading info by supposed professionals, that influenced their decision to stop BF. I mean, I've seen Summer Rain come forwards so many times to say "Actually, that's not strictly correct.....". Why can't the medical professions just get it bloody right in the first place, then there may actually be less people feeling the way we do. For lots of people BF isn't easy and it made worse but people telling you rubbish info!

Come to think of it - there should be more support for people who want/have to stop BF (and I don't mean professionals "pushing formula top ups, I mean proper support), as well. I was very lucky that I had a BF support lady who was extremely supportive when I felt I needed to stop pumping - never once made me feel guilty for my decision or pushed me to keep going - just congratulated me for the 7 weeks I'd done, and told me to ring her if I ever needed her. She even sent me advice leaflets through on how to prevent mastitis. I think her attitude actually helped me come to terms with my decision x

 

[tina3747]

Please read the new reports today, a woman jailed for (only) 18 months for leaving her 6 yr old alone for 5 days straight with only crisps and water. That's a failure of a mother, she truely has neglected her duty as a parent to feed her child. Not anyone on this guilt thread.

 

[vintage67]

Part of breastfeeding "support" is helping someone let go when there are obvious issues that aren't going to resolve.

That is a serious problem that I have; when support and encouragement to continue trump the health of the mother and/or baby.

There are seriously people that think there is no such thing as low/very little/no supply.

Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, copious amounts of oatmeal and drinking water, creative visualization and very wretched tasting mother's milk tea didn't help me. All of those things are useful and have their place, and have helped and can help a lot of women but they didn't help me.

I get really tired of not being believed. Not being heard. Just being judged.

I was very shocked that one of the lactation consultants that stopped by my room with this last baby was looking over my medical charts and saw the diabetes and thyroid problems and actually said, "Oh, well, there you go."
Finally! Someone acknowledging that there might be a reason other than laziness or "lack of support/education"! And of course I have an endocrinologist that recognizes this.

I realize that many women with diabetes, thyroid and PCOS issues are able to BF successfully, but that is stacked deck and all of us can't.

Also, I am happy to be back on my heart medication which falls into the "iffy"
category.

 

[Kage76]

The thing is supply issues are not new. Even back in the days before formula women did have difficulty feeding their babies. You know what? the mortality rate for infants was massive. If you were one of the wealthy you found a wet nurse- someone else to feed your child- if you weren't rich you just had a "sickly" baby who more than likely wouldn't make it to 2. Between those 2 choices give me that damn tin. You know what- your baby is not going to care if he or she was breastfed, they are not going to remember it- all they want is to be fed (breast or bottle) and to be close to you as they feed. What they will remember and build a relationship on is that you were there for them. You made them feel better. They don't care about the brand of nappy they wear- why would they care about the type of food they eat.

 

[summer rain]

No-one is saying Vintage that there are not cases like yours; and I wasn't even talking about cases like yours-I have several friends who could not BF due to similar issues, but there are many cases in the UK of ladies wanting to breastfeed and being told that a medical condition, antibiotics or other medication judged to be safe when BF, or their baby being slightly jaundiced means they cannot continue to breastfeed. Often these ladies find out later they could have breastfed; either when they look into things a few weeks later, or with subsequent children and it can be devestating. Often these women have successfully established BF with no supply issues but are then told they must stop cold turkey-this is not a situation of supply issues or feeding problems from birth a lot of the time. It is alarmingly common here and there are very few qualified NHS lactation consultants here who can give factually correct information as to whether a woman can safely breastfeed with these issues, instead it is left up to midwives, health visitors and family doctors (babies here don't see a paediatrician unless there is a problem) who have often had as little as one hour breastfeeding training in their entire career, and in the case of medical staff from overseas there is no obligation for them to have had any breastfeeding training whatsoever. With all due respect this is a complete different issue than you are referring to and I appreciate things are a lot different in the US; but it is not anti-formula or denying that some women cannot physically breastfeed to be upset by women being given wrong information and no support when it comes to them being physically able to BF but wrongly being told they are not. This may not be a scenario that applies to you or has happened in your circle of friends or family but it is a huge issue in the UK xx

 

[feeble]

I would definitely rather have a wet nurse over tinned formula but of course, if there is no other option tinned formula it is x

it would be cool actually (though probably impossible) to have a breastmilk formula rather than a cows milk one!

I have to say, and its not necessarily to do with this thread, that i despise the saying 'happy mum = happy baby, surely we should always put our children first?

I know that wether you FF or BF, you will at some point have put your childs life/wellbeing and security above your own, be it with sleeping, feeding, changing poo etc

I think that the above well used phrase ignores that most women MOST of the time put baby first and that it is the right way round x

 

[BabyBoo36]

I only used the "happy mum = happy baby" analogy to try to HELP the ladies who feel guilty for not being able to/stopping BF. After all, isn't that what this thread is about??

So yes, you may despise the term, but in some cases, it is actually true. Trying (unsuccessfully)b to BF made both me and Freya deeply unhappy. Once I switched to formula, we were both happier, so in my case, it's true.

 

[Pielette]

The thing is supply issues are not new. Even back in the days before formula women did have difficulty feeding their babies. You know what? the mortality rate for infants was massive. If you were one of the wealthy you found a wet nurse- someone else to feed your child- if you weren't rich you just had a "sickly" baby who more than likely wouldn't make it to 2.

Amen to that. It really winds me up when people judge if you FF. Firstly people need to respect each other as parents and not question each other's choices. How is it anyone's business how and why I feed my child in a particular way? How is it their business where that child sleeps, or for how long, or how I take him out? My son is happy, healthy and growing 'like a weed' But a very very gorgeous weed

Some people (and I hasten to add, SOME) think you should persevere with BF no matter what. But at what cost? How far do we take it? Are we supposed to sit there and watch our children get thin and cry their little hearts out because they're hungry? In times gone by it would be a wet nurse, or ultimately failure to thrive and eventually the unthinkable.

Let's put it this way; hundreds of years ago, we didn't have treatments for particular diseases. Our medicines are man-made inventions, just as formula is. Would any of us sit there and say someone suffering with a particular disease should not have treatment? That person would have died decades ago. But now he doesn't have to, because medicine found a way to help him. I'm not saying it's the same thing, it's not, I'm just saying it's a similar concept; we are able now to feed our children if we struggle ourselves. Our society has come a very long way and shouldn't we embrace that?