The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

I just don't know what possesses someone to be SO rude to someone else? Especially when you are sitting in the ER with an infant. I was obviously already stressed about what might be wrong with him, why would you tell a mother they are being purely selfish when they are in tears about what might be going on?

-.- Rude.

because they climbed one legged up the mountainside they think that anyone else who couldn't is not trying hard enough. And they need to be *told* the error of their ways.

As i have said previously- my issues of breastfeeding have been a blessing in disguise - they have made me humble and understanding of other peoples issues. Smug or self righteous are two words i never want to be associated with my parenting.

All i can say is take a deep breath- and let it wash over you. Sometimes people are signposts on the road of life- of the route you don't want to take.

 

[vintage67]

Oh Quirky! So sorry that happened to you!

My first son had really bad colic that lasted nearly 6 months and I got those same messages! To this day I am shocked when I hear of a breastfed baby
having colic! Breastfed babies DO get colic! I took a lot of grief and blamed myself for his colic. You don't need that on top of having a crying baby! It's awful!

Shame on that horrible woman!

 

[KendraNoell]

I'm having a lot of friends who had babies after me not be able to breast feed and I've been linking him to this thread.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

FOB told me today while I was holding LO (he was having a need-mummy day today) that I should try relactating so he can stop spending money on formula. Uhh, what?! He pushed and pushed to combifeed, then when it was hard to get LO to latch he told me to give up and now doesn't understand that I can't BF because of PCOS! My feelings were hurt and I almost cried, to which he said I was being too sensitive...

 

[KendraNoell]

punch him in the face

 

[Miss_Quirky]

I kinda wanted to -.- he was weird today anyway :/ but he should know by now how much it hurt when I couldn't

 

[Kage76]

FOB told me today while I was holding LO (he was having a need-mummy day today) that I should try relactating so he can stop spending money on formula. Uhh, what?! He pushed and pushed to combifeed, then when it was hard to get LO to latch he told me to give up and now doesn't understand that I can't BF because of PCOS! My feelings were hurt and I almost cried, to which he said I was being too sensitive...

Kindly suggest that in theory - men can lactate too- so if he want's to save money - show him the pump and tell him to re-lactate to his hearts content.

 

[vintage67]

Love that reply Kage! No excuses, right?

 

[HellBunny]

Miss Quirky ignore him, he's talking out of his arse lol.

Spoiler

Hi ladies, i don't know what i'm looking for, but as some of you know i made the decision to stop breastfeeding finley at 1 week old, i was beginning to resent him and was starting to feel suicidal. I felt trapped, i wanted to take my eldest and run away so i didn't have to do another feed, i couldn't stand the night times. In the hospital things were fantastic and i couldn't be happier, every single midwife/health assistant was AMAZING, they helped me latch him on my right side as he didn't like that boob for some reason, and they even took him so i could have a quick shower (i had to stay in 24hrs due to diabetes) It was ok when we got home, we co-slept from day 1 and he fed every 2-3 hours day and night which i found really easy. Day 4 my milk came in and Finley would scream from 9pm - 6am, latch/unlatch all night and i felt helpless, i wasn't able to spend any time with my eldest (1yr 9 months) and with o/h going back to work there was no way i could sleep in the daytime when finley slept. When finley was 1 week, i sent o/h to town to buy bottles and formula, i was terrified what i would do to myself if he wouldn't take the bottle, that is how desperate i was.

I don't understand why since finley was 3 weeks, i've been having mixed thoughts, i feel i didn't stick it out long enough, and wonder if it really would of gotten better, but when i latched him on yesterday, i started to feel the same.. trapped again. I do pretty much all finleys feeds, except 1 or 2 when o/h gets back from work so i can have a shower, he does 1 night feed, finley feeds every 1.5-3 hours day and night so i don't feel i am a "lazy formula feeder" some of us get tarred with!

I don't even know why i posted, has anyone else been in a similar situation, part of me wishes i'd of stuck with it but the other side of me wonders whether it would been the best for all of us, since i have another little one to see to xxx

 

[dizz]

I just don't know what possesses someone to be SO rude to someone else? Especially when you are sitting in the ER with an infant. I was obviously already stressed about what might be wrong with him, why would you tell a mother they are being purely selfish when they are in tears about what might be going on?

-.- Rude.

Because they're insecure, and the only way they can get by is to make themselves feel good by victimising other people - and by picking on FFeding mothers they can always pat themselves on the back and claim it's for the good of the baby and it's almost like it's "ok" to have a go in that case. And then she gets to go away feeling all righteous and vindicated as a mummy because she's had a nice session of kicking someone when they're down!

I'm currently feeling crappy because the baby's now started doing the newborn boob crawl thing (guess since she's a couple of weeks old adjusted it's kind of developmentally about right) and I'm like "nowt in there now honey - I did what I can but they're all shrivelled up". Guess it confirms what I've always thought - if she'd have come from a normal delivery - not the fucked up, mismanaged, abusive assault of the preemie forceps trainwreck she did - we'd have gotten by ok. Doesn't make me feel any less crappy that she's finally discovered my chest after 2 months and me pumping myself into a frazzle for as long as I could though.

 

[Kage76]

I just don't know what possesses someone to be SO rude to someone else? Especially when you are sitting in the ER with an infant. I was obviously already stressed about what might be wrong with him, why would you tell a mother they are being purely selfish when they are in tears about what might be going on?

-.- Rude.

Because they're insecure, and the only way they can get by is to make themselves feel good by victimising other people - and by picking on FFeding mothers they can always pat themselves on the back and claim it's for the good of the baby and it's almost like it's "ok" to have a go in that case. And then she gets to go away feeling all righteous and vindicated as a mummy because she's had a nice session of kicking someone when they're down!

I'm currently feeling crappy because the baby's now started doing the newborn boob crawl thing (guess since she's a couple of weeks old adjusted it's kind of developmentally about right) and I'm like "nowt in there now honey - I did what I can but they're all shrivelled up". Guess it confirms what I've always thought - if she'd have come from a normal delivery - not the fucked up, mismanaged, abusive assault of the preemie forceps trainwreck she did - we'd have gotten by ok. Doesn't make me feel any less crappy that she's finally discovered my chest after 2 months and me pumping myself into a frazzle for as long as I could though.

Who knows what would have happened if we had that ideal start to life. I used to torture myself saying that if she was born on time roomed in with me and didn't spend her first 10 days in hospital we would have been ok.

But the reality is - i don't know. Maybe i would have had more issues. Maybe i would have driven myself nuts trying to get her to latch- and still end up in the same place. I try not to beat myself up on the what ifs- because if I do- and my next one has the perfect birth- with the perfect latch- and its all a-ok and I STILL cant breastfeed- where do i go from there? It is what it is- you have done your very best for her- be proud of what you achieved and don't let the what ifs dilute your good work.

 

[Starry Night]

Miss_Quirky,

Your story honestly made me want to cry. I can't believe some people are so awful!! Why not pour lemon juice into a paper cut or twist the knife, know what I mean? Ugh!

I thought I was over my guilt but this week my DS had his first real illness. He had a soaring fever and was just miserable. I was so afraid and immediately thought, "this would never have happened if i had been BF". I was shocked that's where my mind went right away. It turned out he had an ear infection which is so incredibly common. I called my mom later to cry and she said I had lots of ear infections and I was BF.

DS is feeling better now and so am I but it goes to show how touchy the topic still is for me.

 

[iow_bird]

hi ladies
I'm not in your position, but just wanted to offer a bit of support.
I spent a bit of time today doing a bit of googling trying to find some info for a friend who had just fostered a newborn (hours old) who is being fed formula. I was completely shocked that it was impossible to find any useful information on formula feeding and newborn formula feeding in particular, all I got was lots of info on the benefits of breastfeeding. No wonder it's so hard for women to decide to turn to formula without a big mountain load of guilt being thrown at them. It isn't fair.
I am Bfing my Lo still, and I honestly couldn't care less what anyone feed their baby, in fact I think anyone making a comment on what you are feeding your child is ignorant. Except in very exceptional circumstances every mum is going to do their best for their baby and their family. Sometimes the ideals aren't going to happen and this is something that should be supported not be made to feel guilty over.
You ladies are all awesome Mummies, amazing wonderful Mummies, who will be "the BEST Mum in the World EVER" to your little people. Breast or formula, doens't really matter at the end of the day, its the love you show your children that counts.
Take care. (and I hope that came across the way it was meant to)
(PS: My daughter had a total of 5 ear infections, 6 eye infections and numerous other infections, viruses and bugs in her first year, so don't feel bad)!
(PPS: Breastfed babies do get colic!!!!! Definately get colic! Mine pretty much screamed for the entire first 6 weeks of her life, even had to have an op at 5 weeks to see if there was anything structurally wrong, but nope... reflux and colick)!

 

[HellBunny]

ladies you are being too hard on yourself, you are all just as good as a mother as someone who breastfeeds, whoever tells you otherwise clearly is as ignorant as you can get. The only time i have ever come accross any negativity/judgement about formula/breastfeeding is online, my Midwife told me i had done the right thing by changing Finley to formula, again my health visitor agreed, and i trust them more than a bunch of judgemental hypocrites who are probably just sat at their computer screens nitpicking all day as they have nothing better to do with their time..

 

[waitandsee]

Hello everyone,
I switched from breast to combi when LO was 3 weeks old and still hadn't regained her birth weight.
Gyn, Pediatrician and everyone else told me "just keep on BF your supply is going to get up".
However, that did not happen!!!
I had a constantly hungry, sad, crying baby that was dehydrated (the red stuff in the pee) and I had the worst PP depression because of it. One day I was even contemplating to harm myself because i felt so worthless but still tried to resist FF because i thought it was going to get better. I expressed when the baby wasn't on the boob, and also she had the hardest time because she couldn't or didn't want to latch either.
The next day my husband had enough of this crazyness with all of us crying all the time and said he was going to feed the baby formula now. We then combi fed for another week, until LO got a cold and had a stuffy nose and couln't suck on the boob anymore (besides she didn't want to, and there wasn't anything in it anyway), she only managed the flow of the teat of the bottle.
From one day to the next my milk dried up, and since then baby and me have been as happy as can be.

SO anyone who tells you that 95% of all mothers can breast feed and you are clearly lazy/lying/whatever, don't buy that. Don't feel bad.

PS. before having LO, most of the ladies in my family and circle of friends told me that they exclusively BF, but when I told them about our problems afterwards, in a surprisingly high number of cases this turned into "I BF three days" or "I BF three weeks".... go figure .

 

[vintage67]

Hello everyone,
I switched from breast to combi when LO was 3 weeks old and still hadn't regained her birth weight.
Gyn, Pediatrician and everyone else told me "just keep on BF your supply is going to get up".
However, that did not happen!!!
I had a constantly hungry, sad, crying baby that was dehydrated (the red stuff in the pee) and I had the worst PP depression because of it. One day I was even contemplating to harm myself because i felt so worthless but still tried to resist FF because i thought it was going to get better. I expressed when the baby wasn't on the boob, and also she had the hardest time because she couldn't or didn't want to latch either.
The next day my husband had enough of this crazyness with all of us crying all the time and said he was going to feed the baby formula now. We then combi fed for another week, until LO got a cold and had a stuffy nose and couln't suck on the boob anymore (besides she didn't want to, and there wasn't anything in it anyway), she only managed the flow of the teat of the bottle.
From one day to the next my milk dried up, and since then baby and me have been as happy as can be.

SO anyone who tells you that 95% of all mothers can breast feed and you are clearly lazy/lying/whatever, don't buy that. Don't feel bad.

PS. before having LO, most of the ladies in my family and circle of friends told me that they exclusively BF, but when I told them about our problems afterwards, in a surprisingly high number of cases this turned into "I BF three days" or "I BF three weeks".... go figure .

waitandsee, I couldn't help but notice in your signature that you had Gestational Diabetes. This probably contributed greatly to your low supply; another reason to not beat yourself up. PCOS, diabetes, gestational diabetes all can cause supply issues.

Cogratulations on your new baby!

 

[waitandsee]

waitandsee, I couldn't help but notice in your signature that you had Gestational Diabetes. This probably contributed greatly to your low supply; another reason to not beat yourself up. PCOS, diabetes, gestational diabetes all can cause supply issues.

Cogratulations on your new baby!

Really? No one has told me that, although my doctors and the hospital people all knew about my GD!
I wasn't on insulin (because I was all alone at the time and was scared to get a sugar low in the middle of the night from it), so I was diet controlled.
I think there might have been a connection because I almost couldn't eat any carbs for three months- around and after the birth i felt like all life had been sucked out of me, I had no more energy left.
Then immediately the stress with feeding started, my baby didn't want to have anything to do with the boob at all and I ended up 4 nights at hospital without ANY sleep.
By the time we got home i was so stressed already about the non functioning feeding that I physically could not eat anything, and i think that was that.

It just took me too long to realize that the big choice between BF and FF wasn't a choice for me at all. I had no choice.

anyway, here is my happy formula fed baby showing what she thinks of "boob".

 

[KendraNoell]

I was the same with not eating from stress and what little supply I had was gone in 2 days

 

[Eala]

Hi all. Sorry I tend to be a reader than a poster these days. I generally have one child or the other demanding my attention, so I don't get a lot of time to type (and hate/suck at typing on my phone )

But I really wanted to share this video. You may have seen i t already, but for those who haven't, it's worth a watch.

Bottle Babies and The Fearless Formula Feeder asked proud bottle feeding parents to send in a photo of their bottle fed babies with a sign that completed the sentence "I'm a Bottle Baby and I am..." The result is a collection of beautiful photos which proves that how you fill your baby's tummy is not as important as how you fill their heart, mind and spirit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNN4Ny5UgaQ&feature=youtu.be

 

[Lady_Bee]

Aw I saw that video on FFF's facebook page. So cute Love it. Thanks for sharing it here!!