The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[OmarsMum]

Absolutely OmarsMum. I barely remember the first 5 months of Alice's life as I spent it so miserable dealing with BF guilt, CS guilt and a very refluxy baby.

It was only when we started weaning that I started to realise in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt matter.

My cousin is few days younger than Omar, he was exclusively BF for 17 months but he suffered from reflux. Omar was suffering from reflux & he had a very sensitive gag reflex, but I don't blame formula.

Now Omar is almost 3 yrs. The CS & FFing are history. Now it's all about discipline, tantrums & behavior

I'm more open now to future choices when it comes to giving birth & feeding. I want to go for an elective CS & I will try BFing, but if it will not work, I will move on & go for formula.

 

[Noelle610]

I'm feeling a lot of grief tonight over the loss of breastfeeding... I express rather than formula feed, although we do use formula on occasion, but I still think this is the right place to post this.

I tried to breastfeed exclusively at first. My little girl was jaundiced and lost a significant amount of weight early in her life, so we had to introduce a bottle almost immediately and she ultimately had trouble latching trouble. I saw three lactation consultants, none of who could really help me. Basically, they said, my parts worked, so did hers, but we just didn't seem to "match up". I felt very guilty about introducing formula so that she could gain weight, but I know I did the right thing.

I now express breast milk for her and pump 7 times a day, including 1am and 4am even when she sleeps through. Honestly, it's awful for me. I'm tired and feel like I'm going nuts. I'm not spending time with my LO when I'm pumping, so I feel I'm missing out on time with her. When I've tried to speak with my midwives about giving up pumping, they've kind blown me off, telling me I'm doing the best thing for my baby or encouraging me to get her back on the breast. If one more person suggests that, I might cry. I've TRIED. I would love to breastfeed my baby. I would love to feel the closeness and her warmth on my skin. I would love to be able to meet her needs immediately, anywhere, anytime. In fact, I'm in tears as I write this. I hate being made to feel that I can't breastfeed just because I haven't tried hard enough.

I really want to formula feed, but I feel so much guilt. When I try to explain my reasons, I feel selfish. I just feel like, I'm a person too. Just because I have a child now doesn't mean I don't matter. I feel like a machine pumping all of this milk and it's depressing. I have terrible clogged ducts constantly and I'm in pain. My nipples hurt and I can't sleep on my stomach because I get so engorged after just a few hours of sleep. Isn't it important that my little girl have a happy mom who can spend time with her and care for her? Doesn't that count for anything?

Sorry, just needed to share... I'm really down tonight.

 

[kimini26]

I was in a position very similar to yours. I exclusively pumped for 2 months and then started supplementing one bottle of formula a day, then 2, 3 and 4. Now she is on all formula and I am able to take my much needed medications. If you feel you are ready to make the switch, I would start with dropping at least one of the night pumps. Not getting enough sleep will only make you feel bad. You should probably slowly quit pumping since you are having problems with blocked ducts and engorgement. You've done the best you could for your baby, now you need to do the best you can for you.

 

[bumpin2012]

Noelle: you are still a person. Not just mommy, and certainly not a milk cow. A smart woman told me "a mothers love comes from her heart, not her breasts" and it took me a long while to accept it, but it really is true. I fought for 7 weeks to breast feed my son, and we were both miserable for almost all of those 7 weeks. While I am still sad that I was unable to breastfeed, we are both so much happier on formula. We have a life, no pumps, no stress around feeding, and no more tears.

A happy mom =a happy baby = an even happier mom. Please don't beat yourself up for wanting to be happy. Formula is not the poison some people make it out to be, and in many cases, its the best thing for both mommy and baby

Tons of

 

[dizz]

Noelle you're basically in exactly the same situation I was in - on the feed > change > settle > pump > sterilise pump > start again treadmill that you can't get off for fear of losing supply.

Thankfully my midwife and health visitor were more supportive in that they said, "Look, as long as you're not going to feel worse about it with the guilt - there's no shame in switching to formula, you've given her the best start you could in appalling circumstances and gone much further than other women have."

In the end what shook me up was a combination of the motor on my breast pump starting to fail (we were pumping as she was premature, couldn't maintain a latch and I couldn't mentally deal with any longer in the hospital in order to go home breastfeeding -I was on a maternity ward where there were fights, people kicked off the ward, all sorts and I was falling apart) and me realising that daddy was there, doing all the feeds, all the cuddles, all the enjoying this tiny special little girl - and I was there hooked up to a breast pump or washing the breast pump or sterilising the breast pump or putting the breast pump back together again... I was desperate for someone to just turn around to me and say, "Look, this is ridiculous - stop it and just ENJOY the baby you fought for for 6 years" - but of course, the breast agenda is so much that people would be putting their jobs on the line if they said that... even my husband wouldn't say it - and how I longed for him to just take charge and tell me I had to stop semi-killing myself in the name of breastfeeding.

And yes, when I stopped I sobbed giving her her first formula feed, and I was terrified I was going to kill her or poison her or make her ill - breast milk being portrayed as distilled essence of rainbows, unicorns and superhero superpowers and formula being portrayed as some bubbling vat of death waiting to happen unless you handled it in a biohazard suit... but we survived - and I got to be her mum and not some kind of dairy cow. Can't say I'm fully over the guilt of it now - but I've got enough "wooomph" back to fight and challenge anyone who dares try to lay a guilt trip on me over it all - and it was definitely right for us.

And the entire experience of having her made me feel like I didn't matter - one of the staff on the hospital ward actually told me that I didn't... they all treated me like an incubator on legs, a dairy cow, a piece of meat and a handy reduction in the numbers of nursing staff required... and I'm angry with myself because I bloody let them do it as they'd ground me down that much!

Whatever choice you make (and it sounds like you've made it and just want someone to tell you do it - I dithered for weeks after I'd actually made the decision) - is the right one for you and your child at this point in time - exclusively pumping is one tough, tough, brutal existence.

 

[Kage76]

i personally think pumping is in the 3 circle of hell- you are just in one big cycle of pumping and feeding and sterilising its like you are trying to feed in two different ways and getting no benefit from either. I found it very hard to actually make the decision to stop- in fact i had to mentally tell myself that it was ok- I was having a break- but the less i pumped the happier I was and the more fun i had with my girl. I can honestly say the move to formula was a great one for us- the sky didn't fall on our heads and she is now one of the happiest babies i know. I don't honestly know if i could have said that if we kept trying. One thing i keep on reminding myself is that the risk and side effects of not breastfeeding are in the grand scheme of things relatively minor. I disregard the IQ and weight risks- i think that good food habits are a life long thing not just breastfeeding and IQ has more to do with the environment rather than bm- eczema illness and ear infections? unpleasant yes - but certainly not life threatening- and if she gets these illnesses I will deal with it the best I can when or if it happens.

 

[DLA]

i personally think pumping is in the 3 circle of hell- you are just in one big cycle of pumping and feeding and sterilising its like you are trying to feed in two different ways and getting no benefit from either. I found it very hard to actually make the decision to stop- in fact i had to mentally tell myself that it was ok- I was having a break- but the less i pumped the happier I was and the more fun i had with my girl. I can honestly say the move to formula was a great one for us- the sky didn't fall on our heads and she is now one of the happiest babies i know. I don't honestly know if i could have said that if we kept trying. One thing i keep on reminding myself is that the risk and side effects of not breastfeeding are in the grand scheme of things relatively minor. I disregard the IQ and weight risks- i think that good food habits are a life long thing not just breastfeeding and IQ has more to do with the environment rather than bm- eczema illness and ear infections? unpleasant yes - but certainly not life threatening- and if she gets these illnesses I will deal with it the best I can when or if it happens.

This, yes exactly. I have awful memories of the endless and EXHAUSTING (exhausting like the most exhausting thing EVER) pumping cycle I was stuck in.

I EPed for 4.5 months (failure to latch) and honestly I should have switched to formula earlier, really should have. But out of GUILT (hate to say it, a lot from what i read on this forum), I didn't. Although it's great my son got BM for as long as he did, my wellbeing took back seat more than it should have. I would bottle feed him, change him, put him to sleep, pump, then he would be up. I slept in increments less than a half hour, it was beyond awful. So bad that I started having panic attacks (I think due to the sleep deprivation), couldn't eat because I was so nauseous, and depressed is the understatement of the year.

In retrospect I'm angry I allowed guilt to cause me to completely neglect my needs. I was not in a good state of mind and was not the best mother I could have been. Simply stated, I was not me. I realize mothers sacrafice their own needs for their children, but it would have been more beneficial for my son to have a functioning and of sound mind mom than get BM.

I have nothing but horrible memories of a zombie-like state that including throwing up and hyperventilating on a daily basis (from anxiety) in that first month..

 

[Noelle610]

Wow, this forum is amazing. I sit here in tears, just so grateful that I'm not the only person to experience these feelings. In my real life, being an EP is lonely business. People don't get it. I came here to vent and got such wonderful support.

Anyone have tips on weaning off the pump? I'm already so engorged.

 

[kimini26]

Many lady's drop one pump at a time and wait a week in between dropping again. If you want to go faster than that get some cabbage leaves, ice packs and ibuprofen/tylenol ready. Hot showers and hand expressing a little also help. When I stopped I was in serious pain for 2 days and by the third day things started looking up. I still haven't stopped producing, but its a tiny amount. Every now and then I panic, thinking I forgot to pump, but when I remember I'm done with that, the relief is overwhelming. It took me a week and a half to pack up my pump.

 

[missangie]

My baby is 4 months old tomorrow and we just switched to formula after dealing with tummy issues since he was 10 weeks. (bloody mucousy stools and a very unhappy baby- I even eliminated dairy, soy, caffeine and citrus fruits for weeks and no change until the day we switched to nutramigen and now he is 100% better)

I am so happy he feels better and I know thats all that matters but Im so sad to have only made it this far when I swore Id never use formula. I am sad to not have that bond with him and I feel guilty knowing that corn syrup solids is the #1 ingredient and I feel embarrassed anytime Im making a bottle in public as if every mom is judging me.

I cry every time I think about how I used to go get him from his crib early in the morning and bring him to bed a nurse laying down and we'd sleep for a few more hours like this.

But Ill also add that I feel so much relief and the stress is gone. The last three weeks of bfing had gotten so bad that my little guy would fuss and scream when he'd nurse and it would take an hour battling him to eat and then he'd be hungry soon after because he was too upset to eat enough at one time. I spent days in my bed with him just crying and attempting to nurse all day. Now that thats all gone, why do I still feel so sad and guilty? I feel like I should be happy that he is better and we can enjoy our day together.

 

[kickass_MOM]

just overheard my MIL babytalking to her grandchild (SIL's daughter who was BF ) and explaining, her cousin (my precious baby) drank milk out of a bottle.Really? does a 5 year old care ?needless to say, I am fuming
So some years from now ,before I get a chance to explain to my babe, she will come running to me and ask why she was not breastfed like her cousin.
HATE!

 

[JadeyB]

Hey girls,

Feeling pretty down at the mo. I've had to give up breastfeeding much earlier that I wanted.

My little lady has severe reflux. At times she goes blue and stops breathing. . I've been in hospital over a week this time and we've been out on neocate (lactose free formula as they think that allergy/intolerances are part of the problem.

I worked so hard to establish feeding as she was 10 weeks early so hand expressed for around 7 weeks. Then she wouldn't feed as she was anaemic. I turned down the bottle and persevered. It was going so well, but I have to think of what is best for her.

I've posted this in breastfeeding section, but thought I would share with those who have also had to stop before they wanted too.

Xx

 

[Evian260]

you did what was best for your little peanut. i hope she gets better soon!

 

[missangie]

Hey girls,

Feeling pretty down at the mo. I've had to give up breastfeeding much earlier that I wanted.

My little lady has severe reflux. At times she goes blue and stops breathing. . I've been in hospital over a week this time and we've been out on neocate (lactose free formula as they think that allergy/intolerances are part of the problem.

I worked so hard to establish feeding as she was 10 weeks early so hand expressed for around 7 weeks. Then she wouldn't feed as she was anaemic. I turned down the bottle and persevered. It was going so well, but I have to think of what is best for her.

I've posted this in breastfeeding section, but thought I would share with those who have also had to stop before they wanted too.

Xx

I am in the same boat I posted yesterday on here but my little guy is 4 months and from 10-16 weeks he was miserable due to allergy/intolerance's. I cut out dairy, soy, caffeine and citrus fruits for weeks without change. We are using nutramigen and he is a new baby now. Still has some mucous in his stool but is the happiest baby ever and no more blood in his stool, he naps now, he doesnt want to be held all the time, etc. But I am very sad about not being able to breast feed anymore. My goal was 12 months and we didnt even make it to 4.

You did what was best for you and your baby though and it sounds like you really tried your hardest!

 

[KendraNoell]

For some of you new ladies- its hard to give up breast feeding because you feel that not only is it the best for the baby but because there has been such a push to breast feed children now you feel like its something you HAVE to do and you want to be able to prove to people that you can. The most relieving and best feeling I had was giving up that idea and realizing that my baby's happiness and health was so much more important than any selfish idea I had for myself or other people's closed-minded opinions. And now at my son's 2 month checkup he has almost DOUBLED his birth weight and is 3 inches taller than his birth height. So how could formula possibly be bad for a child that was in the 10-15th percentiles for height and weight at his last appointment and is now in the 60th and 70th percentiles?

 

[Lady_Bee]

Bah. I really need to avoid the breastfeeding section here. REALLY.

 

[Noelle610]

Bah. I really need to avoid the breastfeeding section here. REALLY.

I was feeling the same way yesterday. My husband was like, "Why do you torture yourself?". I'm actually a big advocate for breastfeeding when possible, but it's hard not to feel a bit judged when you run into obstacles.

Some of the best advice I've been given - by another mom, who coincidentally, exclusively breastfeeds her daughter: Every baby is different and has different needs. There's no such thing as one size fits all, even when it comes to breastfeeding.

 

[vintage67]

We will probably have some new ladies joining us since there have been some fairly upsetting things posted lately that people may have masochisticly read which is part of the grieving process unfortunately.

Welcome to the thread if you are just reading and have never posted; particularly if you have been recently hurt or stung by what you have read.

For whatever reason, some people will never understand what we have been through. Low supply truly does exist for some women and some babies truly can't master latching. There are lots of stories in this thread as many of us are here for a variety of different reasons.

Again, welcome. I can't tell you that the pain of this will completely go away, as the pain of my breastfeeding journey with my first son 8 years ago can be brought fresh to my mind occassionally from out of nowhere; but I can tell you that it gets better and there is so, so much more to parenting than breastfeeding! I've been through preschool, kindergarten, losing teeth, and even a first love! The pain of my second breastfeeding journey and my 11 day hospitalization with a staph infection when he was a week old is still quite fresh. But again, as time goes by it gets milder.

Huge hugs of support to all you. And stay out of there!

 

[MrsPOP]

I've not read any of the recent stupidity but I highly recommend staying out of certain sections.

To any new ladies, it DOES get easier. I never thought it would but it does.

And as for the bond between a FF baby and their mummy being less, total bullpoo. I lost my beautiful mummy to cancer 3 days ago and you will be hard pressed to find a closer mother- daughter relationship than the one between me and my mum. I adored that lady, she was my soulmate and my best friend and I couldn't give a stuff that she didn't BF me, she didn't even consider it. But she was the best mum in the world and she has shown me that being a good mum is more than BFing.

Cherish your mums girls and cherish your babies. Life is honestly too damn short. Xxx

 

[OmarsMum]

MrsPop so sorry for your loss