-
Xenforo Cloud upgraded our forum to XenForo version 2.3.4. This update has created styling issues to our current templates. We will continue to work on clearing up these issues for the next few days, but please report any other issues you may experience so we can look into. Thanks for your patience and understanding.
The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread
- Thread starter MrsPOP
- Start date
Hi everyone 
I feel happy to have found this thread, as I've been at the BF forum and don't feel like I belong there, though I don't feel like I belong at the FF either
But this is surely my place, since I still am mourning not being able to breastfeed 
Long story short, baby was born healthy and with no problems, but she just wouldn't latch "correctly" according to the nurses. I think I made the mistake of letting them "help" me too much, since they would get her to latch, and immediately say she wasn't doing it perfectly, remove her and reposition. All this managed to do was to make her cry more, and I ended up expressing and the nurses finger fed her. I got her to latch twice while at the hospital (when I was alone! which was probably not a coincidence), but by the time I got home, every time she was near my breast she would cry. The day I went home my poor LO did not wake up for about 8 hours, she was so starved she just had no energy Luckily I had called a LC who visited, we got her to wake up, but she was so desperate and so angry when near my breasts, that I had to pump and finger feed. We ended up doing this for 8 weeks, then transitioned to bottles of expressed breastmilk.
It's been a rough journey, though now I'm more comfortable with pumping since I can do it less times per day and my baby is growing well, but I still think back to those first days and I have so many regrets: why did I let them interfere so much? Why didn't I make my baby stay in my room and my husband help instead of those nurses? Why did I choose to pump and miss out on spending time with my baby in her first days? Why could I never get her back to the breast? I don't feel like my sadness over not breastfeeding is going away. And no one understands, really, they feel like I should be over it by now.
Sorry for the long read.
I feel happy to have found this thread, as I've been at the BF forum and don't feel like I belong there, though I don't feel like I belong at the FF either
But this is surely my place, since I still am mourning not being able to breastfeed Long story short, baby was born healthy and with no problems, but she just wouldn't latch "correctly" according to the nurses. I think I made the mistake of letting them "help" me too much, since they would get her to latch, and immediately say she wasn't doing it perfectly, remove her and reposition. All this managed to do was to make her cry more, and I ended up expressing and the nurses finger fed her. I got her to latch twice while at the hospital (when I was alone! which was probably not a coincidence), but by the time I got home, every time she was near my breast she would cry. The day I went home my poor LO did not wake up for about 8 hours, she was so starved she just had no energy
Luckily I had called a LC who visited, we got her to wake up, but she was so desperate and so angry when near my breasts, that I had to pump and finger feed. We ended up doing this for 8 weeks, then transitioned to bottles of expressed breastmilk.It's been a rough journey, though now I'm more comfortable with pumping since I can do it less times per day and my baby is growing well, but I still think back to those first days and I have so many regrets: why did I let them interfere so much? Why didn't I make my baby stay in my room and my husband help instead of those nurses? Why did I choose to pump and miss out on spending time with my baby in her first days? Why could I never get her back to the breast? I don't feel like my sadness over not breastfeeding is going away. And no one understands, really, they feel like I should be over it by now.
Sorry for the long read.
MrsPOP
Mummy to Alice
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2010
- Messages
- 8,414
- Reaction score
- 0
Avellana, that sounded very similar to my experience, my daughter would scream and cry everytime she was brought near my breast and when we got home she wouldn't wake for 8 hours. She refused my EBM which broke my heart, so that could be a positive thing for you to hold to that she will take your BM?
The grief of not being able to physically BF when you can actually produce milk is very difficult to deal with because often we aren't given a reason why our babies will not latch at all. It does get easier though I do promise you that. My daughter is one tomorrow and despite my right breast leaking occasionally when she cries which reminds me of my 'failure'... She is a happy thriving little toddler and formula has given me that for her.
Leopard I'm sorry to hear of your troubles x
The grief of not being able to physically BF when you can actually produce milk is very difficult to deal with because often we aren't given a reason why our babies will not latch at all. It does get easier though I do promise you that. My daughter is one tomorrow and despite my right breast leaking occasionally when she cries which reminds me of my 'failure'... She is a happy thriving little toddler and formula has given me that for her.
Leopard I'm sorry to hear of your troubles x
hakunamatata
Mommy to Ariana & Robert
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2011
- Messages
- 22,702
- Reaction score
- 0
Hi ladies, been BF since baby was born but switching to FF because pumping doesn't work for me, and baby is on the boob 24/7 to get what she needs. I introduced formula yesterday and she seems so much more satiated, more content, and she seems to sleep better. I'm going to try to combi feed but not get hung up on it. Trying to not feel guilty and it's good to find a thread of non-judgemental, non-scary ladies 
Lady_Bee
Two little ones
- Joined
- May 22, 2011
- Messages
- 2,255
- Reaction score
- 0
Leopard that sounds like a lot to deal with Hope you're doing ok.
Welcome to the thread avellana and hakunamatata
Avellana it seems as though nobody really understands the pain of not being able to breastfeed unless they have dealt with it. I've found that most people are like, get over it already. Even my husband has been quite impatient with me and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that there is very real grief associated with this. You're not alone though. Sorry you went through all that at the beginning. I would feel angry too.
Hakunamatata combi feeding can definitely work if that's what you want to do.
I did it for 4.5 months. LO was getting around half of his milk from me, and half from formula. Cluster feeding is normal with breastfeeding at the beginning (I guess you probably know this!) but a lot of women understandably find it hard to deal with a baby wanting to feed every minute of the day. It can be very difficult especially when there is no end in sight.
Hope you're doing ok.Welcome to the thread avellana and hakunamatata
Avellana it seems as though nobody really understands the pain of not being able to breastfeed unless they have dealt with it. I've found that most people are like, get over it already. Even my husband has been quite impatient with me and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that there is very real grief associated with this. You're not alone though. Sorry you went through all that at the beginning.
I would feel angry too.Hakunamatata combi feeding can definitely work if that's what you want to do.
I did it for 4.5 months. LO was getting around half of his milk from me, and half from formula. Cluster feeding is normal with breastfeeding at the beginning (I guess you probably know this!) but a lot of women understandably find it hard to deal with a baby wanting to feed every minute of the day. It can be very difficult especially when there is no end in sight.
hakunamatata
Mommy to Ariana & Robert
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2011
- Messages
- 22,702
- Reaction score
- 0
Thanks Ladybee
This is a repost from my journal:
So the long and short of it:
Ariana was gaining enough weight and growing but my milk comes in so slowly that I was BF nonstop to the point I couldn't do anything else. I tried pumping but I'd pump and only get an ounce between both breasts. I really loved BF but it was getting to be too much. I'm combi feeding now so that we can enjoy the closeness of BF but DH can help out with a bottle now and again. I feel sad and guilty but she really wasn't getting the amount she needed in a reasonable amount of time. Now she actually seems fully satiated. She's less fussy and sleeps better. There are some extremely judgmental people (as well as nice people) in the BF forum. I've seen people say horrible things like people who FF are selfish, lazy, not doing the best they can for their LO. But I know I'm doing the best I can, and I'm glad I was able to have over 5 weeks of exclusive BF and hopefully I can combi feed as long as possible.
This is a repost from my journal:
So the long and short of it:
Ariana was gaining enough weight and growing but my milk comes in so slowly that I was BF nonstop to the point I couldn't do anything else. I tried pumping but I'd pump and only get an ounce between both breasts. I really loved BF but it was getting to be too much. I'm combi feeding now so that we can enjoy the closeness of BF but DH can help out with a bottle now and again. I feel sad and guilty but she really wasn't getting the amount she needed in a reasonable amount of time. Now she actually seems fully satiated. She's less fussy and sleeps better. There are some extremely judgmental people (as well as nice people) in the BF forum. I've seen people say horrible things like people who FF are selfish, lazy, not doing the best they can for their LO. But I know I'm doing the best I can, and I'm glad I was able to have over 5 weeks of exclusive BF and hopefully I can combi feed as long as possible.
N
Noelle610
Guest
Hi everyone
I feel happy to have found this thread, as I've been at the BF forum and don't feel like I belong there, though I don't feel like I belong at the FF either
Long story short, baby was born healthy and with no problems, but she just wouldn't latch "correctly" according to the nurses. I think I made the mistake of letting them "help" me too much, since they would get her to latch, and immediately say she wasn't doing it perfectly, remove her and reposition. All this managed to do was to make her cry more, and I ended up expressing and the nurses finger fed her. I got her to latch twice while at the hospital (when I was alone! which was probably not a coincidence), but by the time I got home, every time she was near my breast she would cry. The day I went home my poor LO did not wake up for about 8 hours, she was so starved she just had no energy
It's been a rough journey, though now I'm more comfortable with pumping since I can do it less times per day and my baby is growing well, but I still think back to those first days and I have so many regrets: why did I let them interfere so much? Why didn't I make my baby stay in my room and my husband help instead of those nurses? Why did I choose to pump and miss out on spending time with my baby in her first days? Why could I never get her back to the breast? I don't feel like my sadness over not breastfeeding is going away. And no one understands, really, they feel like I should be over it by now.
Sorry for the long read.
Your story sounds exactly like mine. I have tons of grief over not getting baby back on the breast and I now pump and give LO expressed breast milk and supplement with formula. Big hugs.
My only advice is to let go of any guilt you feel. Allow yourself to feel sad about the loss of breastfeeding, but certainly don't blame yourself. A woman on this thread said to me, "Love comes from your heart, not your breast". It's always easy to look back and think, "what if?". It doesn't help. You love your child and you're trying to do what's best! Hang in there.
vintage67
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 29, 2011
- Messages
- 2,370
- Reaction score
- 0
I wish I could have at least pumped. I fall into the category of women that yield very little to nothing from pumping. Like drops. It was awful to sit and listen to the whirring of that pump and start hallucinating that it was crying "Mom=mee, mom-mee." When you've pumped round the clock until your aereolas are peeling, your breast pump is talking to you, and you have less than an ounce to show for the day, I fail to see how that is lazy and selfish.
Forums (all over the internet) can be very harsh, and I can be brought down by them as well.
Sometimes I feel like fighting back and sometimes I just want to cry. We can all say "just stop reading that stuff," but it's hard not to.
Forums (all over the internet) can be very harsh, and I can be brought down by them as well.
Sometimes I feel like fighting back and sometimes I just want to cry. We can all say "just stop reading that stuff," but it's hard not to.
Thanks MrsPop. It's sad to remember she wouldn't wake up from hunger. You're right, all in all I'm so grateful for the LC and her suggestion to pump, and that my LO would take it.
LadyBee, exactly. That's why it's so nice to be able to talk about it online with people who understand.
Thanks Noelle610. My mom also said "it's better to give a bottle with love, than to give a breast without it". Just meaning: it's love that matters, not how you feed your baby. I was combi-fed when I was a baby and to be honest, I can't imagine feeling any closer to my mom and don't feel it has anything to do with how I was fed. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. But it's hard to really understand that right now!
vintage67 no one who loves and cares for their baby is lazy or selfish, I'm sure of that. The internet can be so harsh and it seems hard for people to put themselves in our shoes. I have a friend who started suggesting things to try, and it was as if she really couldn't believe I'd tried it all and nothing worked. The internet is like that, times a million.
Thanks everyone. It sure helps to "talk" about this.
LadyBee, exactly. That's why it's so nice to be able to talk about it online with people who understand.
Thanks Noelle610. My mom also said "it's better to give a bottle with love, than to give a breast without it". Just meaning: it's love that matters, not how you feed your baby. I was combi-fed when I was a baby and to be honest, I can't imagine feeling any closer to my mom and don't feel it has anything to do with how I was fed. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter. But it's hard to really understand that right now!
vintage67
no one who loves and cares for their baby is lazy or selfish, I'm sure of that. The internet can be so harsh and it seems hard for people to put themselves in our shoes. I have a friend who started suggesting things to try, and it was as if she really couldn't believe I'd tried it all and nothing worked. The internet is like that, times a million.Thanks everyone. It sure helps to "talk" about this.
H
HellBunny
Guest
I wish I could have at least pumped. I fall into the category of women that yield very little to nothing from pumping. Like drops. It was awful to sit and listen to the whirring of that pump and start hallucinating that it was crying "Mom=mee, mom-mee." When you've pumped round the clock until your aereolas are peeling, your breast pump is talking to you, and you have less than an ounce to show for the day, I fail to see how that is lazy and selfish.
Forums (all over the internet) can be very harsh, and I can be brought down by them as well.
Sometimes I feel like fighting back and sometimes I just want to cry. We can all say "just stop reading that stuff," but it's hard not to.
I couldn't pump either! I had the medela swing electric and the philips avent manual, it took me half a hour for less than half an oz. Please don't feel bad, you are a fabulous mummy! I developed PND with my first and i'm sure some negative eejits from this forum sparked it off, brush it off, if they are using up their energy to be on their high horses and to put other mums down for how they parent, they obviously can't be 100% happy in their parenting can they? Or they wouldn't carry on bashing everyone else, their negativity must stem from somewhere, whilst i know for a fact formula isn't as good as breastfeeding/Expressing etc, i don't believe what some people say about it, until they can back up their "facts" with non biased/reliable sources eg not breastisbest.com (is that even a website i don't have a clue?!)
I read this on someones siggy but i still stand by it, a mothers love comes from the heart, not by the breast!
x
hakunamatata
Mommy to Ariana & Robert
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2011
- Messages
- 22,702
- Reaction score
- 0
Same here! I have an electric Medela double pump and I literally got drops. I just don't produce the quantity she needs.
H
HellBunny
Guest
Hakuna i remember you from the GD section! x
x
hakunamatata
Mommy to Ariana & Robert
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2011
- Messages
- 22,702
- Reaction score
- 0
Hey I remember you too! 
I have my follow up test soon to make sure the diabetes is gone.
How are you doing??
I have my follow up test soon to make sure the diabetes is gone.How are you doing??
bumpin2012
Finally complete
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2011
- Messages
- 2,853
- Reaction score
- 0
Welcome to the new ladies!
It's sad that women feel the need to bag others for their choices... Especially on a forum like this, where many women come seeking support and information...
I'm glad (now) that pumping was not an option for me. I get to spend the time with my boy, instead of attached to a machine.
As for combo feeding, I have a good friend who does this, and she loves it. She gets the best of both world, and will likely do the same for her next babies...
Poor Gabe is having a rough couple of weeks. About 10 days ago, he started having blood in his stool and started having greasy yellow, bile smelling diarrhea, with lumps of what looked like cheese curds. We took him to the ER, and the Dr told us it was an anal fissure...(seriously?!?!?) I took him to his Dr on Monday, who agreed with me that the doc was full of crap. Friday, I decided to try changing his formula, which has helped, but now his stool is dark ashy green...he's clearly uncomfortable, and I don't know what else to do for three poor little guy. We're waiting for an appointment with a pediatrician, but their office is taking forever! Any ideas ladies?
It's sad that women feel the need to bag others for their choices... Especially on a forum like this, where many women come seeking support and information...
I'm glad (now) that pumping was not an option for me. I get to spend the time with my boy, instead of attached to a machine.
As for combo feeding, I have a good friend who does this, and she loves it. She gets the best of both world, and will likely do the same for her next babies...
Poor Gabe is having a rough couple of weeks. About 10 days ago, he started having blood in his stool and started having greasy yellow, bile smelling diarrhea, with lumps of what looked like cheese curds. We took him to the ER, and the Dr told us it was an anal fissure...(seriously?!?!?) I took him to his Dr on Monday, who agreed with me that the doc was full of crap. Friday, I decided to try changing his formula, which has helped, but now his stool is dark ashy green...he's clearly uncomfortable, and I don't know what else to do for three poor little guy. We're waiting for an appointment with a pediatrician, but their office is taking forever! Any ideas ladies?
H
HellBunny
Guest
Hey I remember you too!
How are you doing??
I think i am diabetic, my GTT came back high
bizarre.. no risk factors, i think having 2 so close in age messed up my pancreas 
xxxx
hakunamatata
Mommy to Ariana & Robert
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2011
- Messages
- 22,702
- Reaction score
- 0
Bumpin - hope your son is feeling better soon
HB - I'm sorry to hear that hon
HB - I'm sorry to hear that hon
bumpin2012
Finally complete
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2011
- Messages
- 2,853
- Reaction score
- 0
Thanks ladies.
vintage: That's what I had thought, although both the ER doc and his Dr don't think so. He's been on the same formula for 6 weeks, and they both said you would see symptoms within a week or two of starting formula. He only has the change in his stool as a symptom, he's not fussy during feeding, he has none of the skin issues, plus he's eating and gaining weight like a champ. I had changed him to a different brand thinking maybe it's a brand intolerance... I'm hoping the pediatrician will have an easy answer for us...
vintage: That's what I had thought, although both the ER doc and his Dr don't think so. He's been on the same formula for 6 weeks, and they both said you would see symptoms within a week or two of starting formula. He only has the change in his stool as a symptom, he's not fussy during feeding, he has none of the skin issues, plus he's eating and gaining weight like a champ. I had changed him to a different brand thinking maybe it's a brand intolerance... I'm hoping the pediatrician will have an easy answer for us...
missangie
Mama of TWO!
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2010
- Messages
- 1,280
- Reaction score
- 0
my initial thought was that it is a dairy issue. I hope you figure it out soon! My little guy didnt start having issues with dairy until after 10 wks so when we started seeing blood and weird poop his dr first said tummy bug because he said that babies usually have dairy issues from the beginning and also because dairy issues usually cause babies to not gain weight. (Parker was gaining weight just fine) he also didnt have any other symptoms besides gas and pain and bloody mucousy stool. Once he was on a hypoallergenic formula he was perfectly fine. I even tried a good start gentle one day and within 20 min he was screaming and an hour later he had blood in his stool!!! Not saying it has to mean your LO has a dairy issue but it could be a possibility! Hopefully its just a brand intolerance
