The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[vintage67]

Lysh. You must be exhausted. It is very stressful to keep hearing that all this is normal and to keep feeding and see your baby hungry. It's so early yet, and you just may be able to still have a good breastfeeding relationship. I know that the purists would say that using any formula is causing your problems right now. You would likely be advised to ditch all the formula.

You and your husband are going to have to weigh out what the pediatrician and lactation consultants say but ultimately it is up to you to make the call of what you are going to be be most comfortable with; it's not their baby screaming, it's yours. It's a delicate line to walk. You want to exhaust all of your resources and effort before giving up. I know. It can run you in the ground and those feelings of failure and grief are a lot to deal with on top of the stress and sleeplessness of caring for a newborn.

I wish you all the best and keep us posted. If you end up breastfeeding, combi-feeding or formula feeding, your baby will be just fine. It can really take you off guard how emotional of an issue feeding your baby can be.

 

[lysh]

Thank you Vintage....I know it is still early and there is hope, but it is just wearing on us. We have our appt. soon so I will see what her doctor says. I keep reminding myself that my brothers and I were formula fed, my husband and his brother were formula fed and we all turned out okay. So whatever happens, the main focus has to be the health and well being (emotionally, mentally, and physically) for DH, myself, and our DD. I am mentally preparing myself for whatever happens!

 

[fides]

i was cruising the Internet and i found this little gem- its a baby bottle from 4000 years ago- that's right 4000 years ago- just goes to show that the weaning of infants on to other milks has been a practice for 1000's of years not just a recent issue. Perhaps it was used to wean on to cows or goats milk at 12 months like we do- but the fact that this exists shows me that issues with breastfeeding was an issue for our ancestors as it is for us. https://www.arts.auckland.ac.nz/uoa/home/news/template/news_item.jsp?cid=436441

wow - that is amazing - thanks so much for posting that!

 

[MissMaternal]

Really hating my body right now and feel like I have failed

Lo was EBF from birth until 19 weeks. At around 15 weeks her weight plateaued and then dropped so it was monitored for a while... Then at 19 weeks me and my HV decided it was best to supplement with formula, so LO started having just 2 bottles of formula a day and was still BF in between. It seemed to be going well but when I took her for her fortnightly weigh in 2 weeks ago she had lost 2oz in 2 weeks even though I had been supplementing with formula so I was advised by the HV to switch to formula for all day time feeds and just BF at night. Well 2 weeks has passed and LO has adapted really well to formula but I haven't it seems that my milk isn't even good enough for her in the night anymore, recently I've been having to get up to make a bottle to get her back to sleep, whereas before she would quite happily have some boobie and go back to sleep! So it looks like I have pretty much stopped BF completely. I know it was going to happen at some point, but I wanted to choose when to stop, not have to be told. I didn't even want to BF the whole time I was pregnant with her, so to have t
managed it for 24 ish weeks is a big achievement I know, I just didn't expect to find it this hard to give up! I feel like I've let her down and I'm worried our special bond will be gone I'm getting her weighed on Monday for the first time since switching totally to formula, so I'm hoping she's gained weight this time. At the moment she is just above the 25th centile, which shows how much she's dropped, because at birth she was on the 91st centile!

Rant over, just had to get that out there... Thanks for reading if you made it this far

 

[lysh]

MissMaternal....I think it is hard when the choice is 'taken away' from us. It is also hard accepting that our bodies are not doing what we feel should just be a natural thing. I had a hard time accepting (still do) that my breasts are not functioning as well as they should be....especially considering that is why nature gave us breasts to start with.
Good for you though for BFing for 24 weeks! I know it is still hard making the switch since you were not prepared for it, but remember that she will be okay.


As an update on my situation, we saw our pediatrician and at this point my milk is still not coming in strong, but he said I can continue to do a combination of BF and FF. As much as I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, I decided that is for the best. I can stop obsessing so much on the quantity of my milk and instead put my energy into enjoying my DD. At least she is getting some BF for now, yet I am ensuring she is getting the nutrients she needs.

 

[bumpin2012]

Lysh: I have a friend who combo feeds and she loves it. She gets the ease of ffing, with the experience of bfing. She has said that she plans to do the same with her next babies as well.

 

[jenfirstbaby]

Hi girls

I didn't know about this thread, I've just post about this on baby club.

I've been feeling really guilty the past few days thinking about not trying to breastfeed. I always thought I would and when I got pregnant instantly the thought scared me.

I tried in the hospital a few times, but knew deep down I wouldn't continue at home, even tho I would have loved to. I've always had anxiety issues and I think the thought of feeding in public scared me so much. I knew for the first few weeks I would have constant visitors and the thought of feeding in front of ppl scared me, so before I left the hospital I asked to switch to formula. The midwife was very supportive

when I got home from hospital, when she would cry ppl would say 'she wants milk from her mummy'. I felt so awful I cried, felt like I was failing her. I told my mum that i was thinking about trying again. She told me if i knew deep down i wasn't going to stick to it, I should continue with formula as my lo was q very good feeder. After a few days i felt fine with formula feeding.

A few weeks in once the visitors stopped, i thought to myself, i really wish id continued. I'm not sure why, but the past few days I feel sp awful bout giving up. I know if i have another baby im definitely going to try harder and i hope i can. There are far too many comments to read through, but i hope U and ur lo's are doing well xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Sorry I've been AWOL.

Having some down moments about my BF Loss, even 1 year on. I really need to avoid some websites etc, it's awful to read other mothers calling women like me 'lazy' and trying to seek closure on what happened us by talking about it makes them so mad.

They say they feel sorry for women like me yet they are angry we want to feel Ok about giving formula. They tell us formula causes cancer, is poison, isn't 'knowing better so we can't do better'. That we are uneducated. That we dont want to give our babies the best start in life. That we should never have had children if we can't do what's best for them.

It makes me feel like utter shit. So I guess they've won.

 

[Evian260]

I had a group of friends, noticed HAD, that made me feel awful about quitting breast feeding due to my PPD. I was visiting one of their homes once and she found ants in her house and her husband said it must be all the sticky formula I bring over.

Looking back on it now it probably wasn't that big of a deal but I was so fragile and she was suppose to be my best friend....

 

[jenfirstbaby]

I had a group of friends, noticed HAD, that made me feel awful about quitting breast feeding due to my PPD. I was visiting one of their homes once and she found ants in her house and her husband said it must be all the sticky formula I bring over.

Looking back on it now it probably wasn't that big of a deal but I was so fragile and she was suppose to be my best friend....

what a rude thing to say!

 

[kimini26]

I like to look at the positive side of things when I start to feel bad about not breastfeeding. I'm not breastfeeding for 2 reasons: we didn't get the latch figured out so I pumped instead, and I'm taking lithium and can't breastfeed/pump. So I'm trying to focus on the 2-3 extra hours I get to spend with my daughter since I'm not attached to the pump, I can go out whatever time I want without packing my pump with me and stressing out over how to store my milk, I don't have to worry about getting engorged when I'm away from my pump too long, I can go to bed early without having to pump first, I can leave my daughter with family in an emergency with just a tub of formula and everything will be ok, I don't have to worry about everything I eat or any drug I take harming my daughter. I go through this list anytime I get down about it and honestly I'm feeling a whole lot better about it and looking forward to not having to buy formula pretty soon.

 

[kickass_MOM]

MrsPOP
I have been feeling like shit too and I blame myself for it for looking up all those posts on the BF/FF .I hate it that even after I have accepted that I might have had a low supply or latch issues ,I can't help those what ifs clouding my thoughts.
I don't hate formula.It is the reason my LO is thriving.I will be eternally thankful to the person who first thought of making baby formula.
but when I see ladies comment like 'there is a Cow and Gate ad in the BFing thread.wtf?' (I read this one) , it really hurts.Its so easy for moms to be judgemental until they are on the other side of the fence.maybe I'd have been judgemental too if Bfing had been an option for me. Since I am a wee bit spiritual I believe that this was God's way of teaching me early on not to be a judgemental mom an I also belive that if he holds back something , he gives something better multifold.
I'll hold on to dat hope for now and quit looking up anything that has to do with BFing.LO is loving her solids and I will check out what the internet sites has to say about solids.oh wait! are they mommyjacked too?

 

[kickass_MOM]

and you know when I totally lost it, when I was FFing LO and my otherwise loving OH commented that he felt sorry for her for having to drink factory made generic concoction.I just left the room.
I don't think men get it or they too are sucked into the big bad judgemental world of internet.
oh well I really hate having to deal with this Bfing BS and hope I will not carry the battle scars for long.

 

[lysh]

kickass_MOM- That was an insensitive comment from OH. He might not have realized how harsh that sounded. It is hard enough to deal with if you wanted to breastfeed and then could not. I am glad my DH at least has been supportive, because otherwise it is like a knife in the gut. Keep in mind that the formula is keeping your LO healthy. Formula is not poison and MANY children have grown up just fine who were fed formula. People like to blame a lot on formula (ill health, obesity, ear infections etc.) Personally, I think the environmental and food toxins are a lot scarier and pose more of a health risk than formula.

I like how you were able to turn this into a lesson that maybe taught you something. I am spiritual as well and I believe we face challenges to teach us something. It is easy to be judgmental unless having gone through something personally. After the last 3 weeks of trying to breastfeed successfully (still doing combo BF and FF) I can see why many, many women switch to full time FF. For those of us who struggle it is another ball game.....and then it also depends on each person's surrounding factors that can also play a role...if I had other children running around I am not sure I would have the time to invest this much in trying to BF successfully. There has to be sufficient support.

 

[Evian260]

Kickassmom - my OH made comments like that at the beginning when I quit BF and now he massively regrets it because he said he had no idea what I was going through.

 

[Allyson11]

I stopped breast feeding last night and ds us only 6 days old. I feel so guilty but I was hating him crying and beginning to resent him. OH took charge and said he hated seeing us like this. I still feel really guilty but my baba is very happy and full after every feed now. Does my milk just dry up?

 

[Evian260]

Allyson, we're a tight sports bra, don't let water in the shower hit your boobs, and don't touch them. Cabbage leaves help engorgement. Mine took a Few days to dry up this way.

 

[Allyson11]

Thanks. They're painful already. Now to explain to oh why I want him to go buy a cabbage

 

[fides]

I stopped breast feeding last night and ds us only 6 days old. I feel so guilty but I was hating him crying and beginning to resent him. OH took charge and said he hated seeing us like this. I still feel really guilty but my baba is very happy and full after every feed now. Does my milk just dry up?

 

[vintage67]

I stopped breast feeding last night and ds us only 6 days old. I feel so guilty but I was hating him crying and beginning to resent him. OH took charge and said he hated seeing us like this. I still feel really guilty but my baba is very happy and full after every feed now. Does my milk just dry up?

Allyson, you are only 6 days in. If you have a baby that will latch and you actually have milk in your breasts you are so far ahead of the majority of us that had to abandon breastfeeding. Believe me, I only say these things NOT to pressure you, but to encourage you not to walk away from something that still as a chance to work. The grief and guilt for those of us that had no supply or babies that wouldn't latch can be overwhelming. I just don't want you to give up on something so soon that maybe 3 weeks later will be going quite well.

The backlash against formula feeders can be brutal. If breastfeeding is truly causing you misery, then of course, your child will thrive on formula. I am only saying that day 6 may be too soon to make that call if breastfeeding is that important to you. I wish you all the best, truly. Both of children, ages 8 years and ages 9 months are FF. There were probably times the devil himself could have offered me a deal that I would have taken to have been able to BF.