The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[bumpin2012]

Well, we saw the pediatrician today. She thinks it's a dairy sensitivity as well. She's running some tests, and we will see her again next week for the verdict. I think going on the hypoallergenic formula will make the little guy feel a lot better. Maybe he will start sleeping more than 2 hour stretches!

 

[socitycourty]

joining you ladies here. posted a separate thread about our story. basically very sensitive-tummy LO, traumatic birth, no real help at home, etc.

I am very sad at the moment but hoping I look up soon. also think I may be suffering from PPD as I have a history of depression/anxiety/OCD and it is much worse now. thought it was baby blues but it's been too long for that....

 

[KendraNoell]

joining you ladies here. posted a separate thread about our story. basically very sensitive-tummy LO, traumatic birth, no real help at home, etc.

I am very sad at the moment but hoping I look up soon. also think I may be suffering from PPD as I have a history of depression/anxiety/OCD and it is much worse now. thought it was baby blues but it's been too long for that....

Definitely take care of the PPD first before you start focusing on everything else. You won't be effective in planning the next steps for your LO if you aren't on top of your game. What kind of sensitivity is baby having? Gassy, bloody stools, tummy ache, ?

 

[kanga]

joining you ladies here. posted a separate thread about our story. basically very sensitive-tummy LO, traumatic birth, no real help at home, etc.

I am very sad at the moment but hoping I look up soon. also think I may be suffering from PPD as I have a history of depression/anxiety/OCD and it is much worse now. thought it was baby blues but it's been too long for that....

Hello. I had a similar experience (not much support, traumatic birth, failed bf, pnd, history of anxiety/depression, thought it was extended baby blues) and my lo is 1 now and I feel totally back to normal. You will too.

Its so hard in the beginning as everything is brand new and you feel guilty (DON'T!) and its only when your lo gets bigger that you can see that bm isn't the be all and end all. THey eat ACTUAL FOOD eventually and grow/develop in movement, speech and many other ways. In the beginning when they just lay there all you can think about is bm like its the most important thing. But it so isn't.

Please look into getting someone to talk to re the baby blues. And above all, remember each moment with your lo. When you are having a shitty time, just look at them and tell yourself that in a few months time you will want this moment back so bad. Please tell yourself to cherish the moment and capture it and above all, enjoy. You will be back to yourself 100% very soon. Don't get to that point and not remember any of these early days xxxxx

 

[fides]

Hey ladies, hope everyone is doing well.

I'm in the middle of a custody battle right now.

Just spent a couple minutes reading up the last several pages and the stories of the new ladies joining this thread - huge to all of you struggling with FF'ing, especially the ones also dealing with PND/PPD.

 

[socitycourty]

joining you ladies here. posted a separate thread about our story. basically very sensitive-tummy LO, traumatic birth, no real help at home, etc.

I am very sad at the moment but hoping I look up soon. also think I may be suffering from PPD as I have a history of depression/anxiety/OCD and it is much worse now. thought it was baby blues but it's been too long for that....

Definitely take care of the PPD first before you start focusing on everything else. You won't be effective in planning the next steps for your LO if you aren't on top of your game. What kind of sensitivity is baby having? Gassy, bloody stools, tummy ache, ?

gassy, very fussy, spitting up mucus.....when she was bf'ing she was constantly vomiting and uncomfortable

 

[beth_terri]

After reading the op I feel even worse for giving up!! We actually managed to breastfeed. My little boy is a rooter, he attaches to my breast and he hadn't lost too much weight. Went from 8lb6 to 7lb14 by day 5. Then today at day 12 he weighed 8lb3. That's all from breast. Today I gave up breast feeding . I'm in so much pain with it, we've had a lactation consultant working with us to fix the latch but its not worked. I have a 3 year old who I haven't been able to do anything with ad I've been stuck to the couch feeding and in agony. It's been awful trying to tell him why mummy is crying every time I feed. I didn't manage to get his tea until quarter to 7 the other night for feedobg Rory! I've been really down and on the edge of depressed. I've not enjoyed the last 11 days of my baby. I'd cry when he started stirring from.a.sleep as it meant I'd need to feed him. And feel like an utter failure for not feeding my son myself.

With my first he literally wouldn't latch. He went from a birth weight of 8lb15.5 to 7lb8 in 5 days. No one helped us and I was told to top up on bottles so we ended up ff.

X

 

[bumpin2012]

Beth-Terri: I think you made the best choice for your toddler and your sanity. I wouldn't put bfing my second over the needs of my first, either. My oh had been so supportive if my attempts to bf Gabe, but has told me that when we have another, he would rather us just ff from the beginning.


In Gabe news: the pediatrician called us today with his test results. He delicately has an allergy to the formula. He's also anemic from all the bloody poo, so he needs more blood work next week to make sure his levels are going up...poor baby. Hopefully the new formula will make him happier.

 

[vintage67]

After reading the op I feel even worse for giving up!! We actually managed to breastfeed. My little boy is a rooter, he attaches to my breast and he hadn't lost too much weight. Went from 8lb6 to 7lb14 by day 5. Then today at day 12 he weighed 8lb3. That's all from breast. Today I gave up breast feeding . I'm in so much pain with it, we've had a lactation consultant working with us to fix the latch but its not worked. I have a 3 year old who I haven't been able to do anything with ad I've been stuck to the couch feeding and in agony. It's been awful trying to tell him why mummy is crying every time I feed. I didn't manage to get his tea until quarter to 7 the other night for feedobg Rory! I've been really down and on the edge of depressed. I've not enjoyed the last 11 days of my baby. I'd cry when he started stirring from.a.sleep as it meant I'd need to feed him. And feel like an utter failure for not feeding my son myself.

With my first he literally wouldn't latch. He went from a birth weight of 8lb15.5 to 7lb8 in 5 days. No one helped us and I was told to top up on bottles so we ended up ff.

X

Beth, don't feel too badly. Having to quit for your sanity and the sake of your older child is a valid reason. My stories are on page 3 and I will admit that sometimes it is hard when women come into the formula forum and want to know how to dry up. I would have killed for that problem as I was a non-producer, but at the same time, just having the milk isn't the whole journey is it? Even "successfully feeding" moms can find themselves in situations where stopping is in their best interest due to PPD, a medication conflict, or the demanding needs of other children. It's a very personal thing.

 

[missangie]

In Gabe news: the pediatrician called us today with his test results. He delicately has an allergy to the formula. He's also anemic from all the bloody poo, so he needs more blood work next week to make sure his levels are going up...poor baby. Hopefully the new formula will make him happier.

well glad you have an answer. I hope the new formula will be just what he needs!

 

[Arisa]

I made this image while thinking of you ladies, it my baby girl being bottle fed
https://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o163/kyuutsuki/Facebook/29052012%20Summer%20Gillard%20The%20Early%20pictures/598372_10150945466781713_1583853730_n.jpg

 

[Lainey27]

I have just recently stopped BFing and while I know my LO is happy and healthy I still wish I was BFing.

I EBF for the first 2 weeks when Orla was born. She was a really tiny baby and was always hungry - on the boob 18 hours upwards. My nipples were cracked and bleeding and I was in tears each time she latched on. I was at the point of despair and my lovely midwife who was so supportive suggested I start combi feeding to get a break. I did this and it worked so well. Orla was gaining weight, my nipples healed up and we were both enjoying it.

This was bliss until 2 weeks ago. I was admitted to hospital with suspected appendicitis, and had an emergency op. It turned out to be an infection called diverticulitis and I was in hopsital for 5 days on super strength IV antibiotics - which were not compatible with breastfeeding. LO was FF exclusively the whole time I was in, and I am glad now that she was used to the bottle as god knows what would have happened if she wasnt.

I kept expressing in hospital and getting rid of the milk to keep up my supply, but when I got home I had another 8 days of antibiotics that only stopped on Tuesday. My supply has all but disappeared and I am so sad as I miss it

I know that LO has had breast milk for a good few weeks, and she is healthy and happy and gaining weight. I also know that it is important for her to have a healthy mummy to look after her.
But I wish I could have chosen when to stop BFing, rather than having the decision taken away from me

 

[bumpin2012]

I have just recently stopped BFing and while I know my LO is happy and healthy I still wish I was BFing.

I EBF for the first 2 weeks when Orla was born. She was a really tiny baby and was always hungry - on the boob 18 hours upwards. My nipples were cracked and bleeding and I was in tears each time she latched on. I was at the point of despair and my lovely midwife who was so supportive suggested I start combi feeding to get a break. I did this and it worked so well. Orla was gaining weight, my nipples healed up and we were both enjoying it.

This was bliss until 2 weeks ago. I was admitted to hospital with suspected appendicitis, and had an emergency op. It turned out to be an infection called diverticulitis and I was in hopsital for 5 days on super strength IV antibiotics - which were not compatible with breastfeeding. LO was FF exclusively the whole time I ward in, and I am glad now that she was used to the bottle as god knows what would have happened if she wasnt.

I kept expressing in hospital and getting rid of the milk to keep up my supply, but when I got home I had another 8 days of antibiotics that only stopped on Tuesday. My supply has all but disappeared and I am so sad as I miss it

I know that LO has had breast milk for a good few weeks, and she is healthy and happy and gaining weight. I also know that it is important for her to have a healthy mummy to look after her.
But I wish I could have chosen when to stop BFing, rather than having the decision taken away from me

I fully understand the heartbreak of having the decision taken away from you. Gabe was a stubborn cookie, and when he decided he preferred a bottle, over my pathetic supply, I couldn't pump enough to maintain it, let alone increase it. I tried all the drugs/herbs, and it wasn't enough. its been a month since I was able to breast feed him, and I still cry about it.
But it gets easier. I see how he is growing, and I realize how much time pumping took away from him. I still snuggle with him skin to skin at least once a day, and I find that helps.

I'm sorry you have to join our club.

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

Hi ladies

I have been struggling with the guilt for weeks now, trying to kid myself that I don't care but I do. Everytime I see a BF mother I get jealous, yes jealous. I think why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have tge mental ability to feed my baby soley from me. When Ollie roots now it breaks my heart as my milk has dried up and I know he can get nothing from me

I breastfed Ollie for 3 weeks but during those three weeks I went through mental torture. At first I loved it but after about 5 days I began dreading every feed, hating the fact Ollie had to be near me, resenting him for wanting to be fed. My bond in the end was non exsistant and I was initally diagnosed with PND. I tried SO hard to carry on but in the end after a complete and utter mental breakdown. Screaming, crying, curling up into a ball you name it I did it. Thats when I decided to switch to formula as I knew it wasn't good for me or my baby to carry on. I had PND with Aidan as well (Or so I thought)

I have been talking to a physcologist fr the past few weeks and I have now been diagnosed with cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar). It's where your mood can change very quickly from being on a high to suddenly be very low/angry. I have been experiancing these mood swings since I was around 13 and have self harmed twice. My physcologist said that after giving birth the symptoms of my condition can worsen for a period of time after having a baby. Meaning my low episodes can last much longer than usual. He said that the way I was feeling was normal for my condition and if I had tried to push myself to breastfeed any longer despite how I felt them I could have caused my self to have a complete mental breakdown. Despite this, despite the fact I KNOW it was for the best I still feel terribly guilty for stopping bfing and I feel like I am inadequte as a mother x

 

[kimini26]

My bipolar definitely got worse after giving birth and trying to breastfeed made things worse for me. I just started a thread in the health forum looking for other bipolar moms. I've been wondering if others have had similar problems after giving birth. I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[HellBunny]

Massive hugs to everyone, please don't waste these precious months of your babies lives feeling guilty, you are all AMAZING mums despite the method of feeding. I went through horrendous guilt with my first and it wrecked our bond for the first year, i wish i could turn back time and relive J's first year and just not give a damn how i fed him but i can't now. I've no experience of bipolar but i've suffered depression since i was 13 and have s/h and attempted to c/s several times (but the c/s before both were born) I went through spells of planning my sui after J was born it was awful.
Thinking of you all who are going through guilt and sadness right now, i wish i could make you feel better. x

 

[KendraNoell]

I have to say, I no longer feel guilty at ALL about not BF-ing. Of course ideally that is the way society thinks it "should" be done... but when I look at my son and know that he's thriving and happy and plowing through his milestones, I know that every precious minute I get with him is so important and its important that I be as stress free and calm as possible for him. FF-ing allows me to do that.

Also, since I now work full time I crave those moments with my son. I didn't want to end up resenting him because he would want a boob the second I got home or have my husband or babysitter tell me how the baby screamed for the boob all day or anything like that. He is perfect, and I can't ask for anything more, so the guilt really has gone away for me.

I hope the rest of you ladies can get to that point and feel that relief of knowing that you're doing the right thing for both yourself and your child.

 

[Evian260]

Aidan's mummy - I had PND after my first and had many of the same feelings as you had with Ollie....

You are not an inadequate mother whatsoever! You're amazing!

 

[Kage76]

i was cruising the Internet and i found this little gem- its a baby bottle from 4000 years ago- that's right 4000 years ago- just goes to show that the weaning of infants on to other milks has been a practice for 1000's of years not just a recent issue. Perhaps it was used to wean on to cows or goats milk at 12 months like we do- but the fact that this exists shows me that issues with breastfeeding was an issue for our ancestors as it is for us. https://www.arts.auckland.ac.nz/uoa/home/news/template/news_item.jsp?cid=436441

 

[lysh]

I posted my story on another thread, but I am glad to see there is a place for support for women who are dealing with the loss of BF. So I will share my story here too as I am most likely transitioning from BF to FF and the guilt/grief is terrible.

I had planned to BF since conceiving. I took a Breastfeeding Essentials class, got books, stocked up on Mother's Milk Tea, had my pump ready to go (have to return to work at 4 months)....I had it all planned out in my head. In my naivety, I thought our baby would be born, we would have skin to skin contact, I would BF within the first hour, have lactation consultants work on our latch and things would be great....we would be on our way to a happy breast feeding family. Yeah.....things are not quite working out that way.

I was fortunate to have a natural delivery, so skin to skin was an option. We breastfed pretty much right away. I did get help from consultants and my DD was praised with how well she latched and sucked. So I continued to BF in the hospital. Then my pediatrician came and told us she lost some weight, but that it was still in the normal range so nothing to worry about yet. Our pediatrician came in the next day and informed us that she is now losing too much weight. He said we would have to closely monitor her as my milk comes in to see if we need to supplement with formula.

Well, we were discharged home, I BF like crazy, we had our appt. and she was losing too much weight. Not to mention she was constantly rooting, screaming like she was never satisfied, and beyond fussy. I cried when I was told we would need to supplement her because it was pounded into my head that having her take a bottle too early could cause problems with BF. However, her health is more important so we fed her formula. After he first bottle, she was like a new baby. The most content I saw her since bringing her home.

So we continued to do a combination of BF and FF. Our pediatrician said to BF first, then give a bottle, then for me to pump to help with my low supply. I did the best I could, even though pumping after every feeding was not always possible. She started to gain weight, so we were told to FF her every 2-3 feedings. Talk about stressful! I tried spacing formula out, so she would cluster feed (which I know is normal) but was agitated and constantly hungry. By the time she got her bottle she would guzzle it down. So I felt guilty that I was not feeding her enough then felt guilty about the formula. If I did not get a chance to pump I would feel guilty about that.

So basically, without going on and on and on, my supply is still not great and the stress of wondering if she is getting enough food, when I should FF her, if I can get away to pump, the lack of sleep, her fussiness.....it is getting to me. My DH finally said yesterday that I might have to accept that BF will not work. The stress is getting to him too.

So we have an appt. with our pediatrician today to discuss this. He is a proponent for BFing and wanted to get us to a point where we weaned her off of formula, but it seems that it is a losing battle or a battle I just do not have the mental/emotional energy to keep fighting every day. I do not know if I want to spend the first weeks of her life under this kind of strain. It gets to the point that I look forward to someone else watching her so I can get a break from it all.

So wish us luck today as we broach this with her doctor. I am surrounded by people who have excursively breastfed and if we give up BF I will be judged harshly. Even though my own guilt/grief seems punishment enough at this point.