The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Allyson11]

I stopped breast feeding last night and ds us only 6 days old. I feel so guilty but I was hating him crying and beginning to resent him. OH took charge and said he hated seeing us like this. I still feel really guilty but my baba is very happy and full after every feed now. Does my milk just dry up?

Allyson, you are only 6 days in. If you have a baby that will latch and you actually have milk in your breasts you are so far ahead of the majority of us that had to abandon breastfeeding. Believe me, I only say these things NOT to pressure you, but to encourage you not to walk away from something that still as a chance to work. The grief and guilt for those of us that had no supply or babies that wouldn't latch can be overwhelming. I just don't want you to give up on something so soon that maybe 3 weeks later will be going quite well.

The backlash against formula feeders can be brutal. If breastfeeding is truly causing you misery, then of course, your child will thrive on formula. I am only saying that day 6 may be too soon to make that call if breastfeeding is that important to you. I wish you all the best, truly. Both of children, ages 8 years and ages 9 months are FF. There were probably times the devil himself could have offered me a deal that I would have taken to have been able to BF.

I understand what you are saying and hate myself for stopping when I am able maybe to carry on, but with the birth I had, which I'm struggling to come to terms with, my sanity while breastfeeding was not good. I feel like I hadn't bonded with Noel and with every feed it felt worse. He now has a happier mummy and the difference is amazing. With regards to my milk, I'm convinced that the stress of it all was affecting my let-down and I really don't deal with stress very well. I felt I HAD to breast feed even before I conceived.

 

[KendraNoell]

We've had other women on here that didn't have ANY physical problems nursing, it was honestly just a dislike of breastfeeding in general or some kind of PPD or other issues. I would say talk to your Dr about PPD and see if you can get on some meds. If anything maybe pump if you can? I gave up 10 days in so I totally understand but its obviously YOUR call, don't let anyone sway you. The only issue you're going to get here is some jealousy from women who wished they could have even had the right TOOLS to breastfeed, and here you are with them, and they wish they could be in your position. [moderator edited]

 

[Tiff]

KendraNoell - I edited the last part of your post, its comments like that which adds fuel to the fire with the "FF vs BF" issues.

 

[lysh]

I feel like I am posting everywhere lol, but it is so discouraging. I am continuing to combi feed as my LO LOVES bfing. She is VERY VERY fussy and very often ONLY bfing calms her down. It is the only way I get her sleep as well.
I keep hoping I will keep enough of a supply to combi for a while (even though I am finding combi feeding to be stressful, especially when she gets reflux or extremely gassy and I cannot pinpoint the cause due to the numerous variables). So far I have tried:
*Cluster feeding since day one...like every hour to hour and a half. Finally at night she is taking the breast only 2-3 hours, but during the day constantly. And I mean constantly for the last 5 weeks.
* drinking Mother's Milk Tea
* 1 beer a day
* consulting with her pediatrician
* personal appointment with an LC
* breast feeding support group weekly
* pumping
So far my pumping sessions have shown LESS and LESS milk not more! Not sure how that is possible and even the LC is shocked. I am told to just keep doing what I am doing and drink more of the mother's milk tea and I was given a recipe for "Milk Cookies" that has ingredients that are suppose to help.
I asked others in a different post how their LOs handled weaning off at a young age when they loved BFing if they HAD to wean them off. I do not HAVE TO yet, but that concern is in the back of my head as I have no idea what will happen to my supply. It is a constant, exhausting adventure that is for sure! Sometimes the only time my LO relaxes is while BFing. I am also concerned about returning to work (but thankfully I have 3 more months until that issue arrives).

Allyson- Stress can be an issue for sure. I have a friend who tried BFing and after 2 weeks decided she could not do it anymore. She broke down one day and basically could not get out of bed. If it is that mentally stressful and emotionally exhausting for you then it might not be what is best. Only you can decide that. I have my ups and downs and I have any many moments where I was ready to throw in the towel and give it up, but I have managed to still find the strength to keep trying in the end. However, I always told myself that if I got to a point where I could not function anymore due to the stress of it and it was affecting my ability to bond with my LO, I would give it up. If you are at that point already, then do what is best for you!

 

[missangie]

I think its been 2 months now that Ive been FF and yesterday a woman asked if i was breastfeeding and I immediately lied and said yes. I dont know why I feel ashamed? My baby is getting fed and is healthy so why do I feel the need to lie about it? I felt like if I said no I would want to explain myself as to why Im not breastfeeding which is ridiculous. I need to get over it!!! Do any of you feel like this or have felt like this?

 

[shorman]

It's relieving to no I am not alone I still to this day feel guilty, heres my story
In 2009 I fell pregnant with Bethany And from the start I said I would be bfing and was really excited about it, when it came to my due date nothing was happening so a week later I had my first sweep nothing they booked me in to be induced we went int a couple of days later and the gave me some stuff to kickstart labor after three hours my contractions came really strong and the midwife noticed the baby's heart beat drop extremely low everyone I had a contraction the consult came in and said he though the cord was round her neck and the hb was getting worse so there rushed me in for an emergency c section they had to put me to sleep as they kneaded to get her out ASAP and when finally I woke up I was it such a state of shock they took me and the baby to are bed and they help me get her latched on but she was not having it she was screaming and screamingly had a nurse for hours trying to help me I managed to give her a few feeds from pumping but I hadnt slept all night but I still kept going they when we got home I was bfing I had very bad PND and trauma and practically no sleep as I refused to go to sleep thinking something bad would happen to her if I fell asleep after 3 months of this my HV was so worried about how ill I looked she advised going to ff and it wasn't easy I would break down everything I gave her formula hating myself, I felt ashamed I hid away in my house not seeing friends or family but I went to the doctors who contacted my HV and she was seeing my everyday for months to give me support, but through time and the support of my husband and hv I got better and we decided from then on we wouldn't even try bfing again and I so glad I haven't as I have been just ale to enjoy being a mum but I still feel guilty sometimes.

 

[lysh]

shorman- I am sorry you had to go through such a traumatic birth and that you had to deal with such guilt on top of it all! This is what bothers me about the whole bf/ff thing- those that end up giving formula feel ashamed. It is ridiculous. Formula, once again, is not poison. You did what you had to do for you and your LO- good for you for being brave enough to know that was the direction you needed to take. No one should feel like they have to hide because they feed formula. You should not feel ashamed.....women in this day and age have enough to deal with. Guess what? You made and delivered a baby (regardless of vaginal or c-section) and what is more amazing than that? I think because of all these heated debates and feelings of shame for those who cannot or do not BF, that we lose sight of what is important and it takes away from the precious moments with our LOs. It is not worth it- it a year it will not matter if you BF or FF. Keep your head held high!

 

[Starry Night]

Allyson11, don't feel bad for the decision you made. If you were that upset that your OH had to step in then it's probably for the best. Mommy's sanity is very important too!

I also had problems resenting my baby. He was quickly becoming "the thing I fed". I don't know if I had supply issues or not but he did refuse to nurse (he would fall asleep and stop sucking). Taking care of bottles and preparing formula is a lot of work but my life felt so much FREER after making the switch. I was literally dancing around the house and DS had a fuller tummy and fuller diapers (this was the biggest stresser for me...he kept showing signs of dehydration).

You may feel some guilt (I did) but as you watch your LO grow into a healthy, happy boy then you will know you made the right choice for your family.

My OH had to step in for me too.

 

[Starry Night]

Just adding to say that my milk dried up very quickly and painlessly. But since DS wasn't nursing very well I'm guessing it didn't come in all the way? I don't know. I was probably stupid to do so but I let my milk dry up on it's own.

 

[Evian260]

I had the same guilt too and still to this day when I say I formula fed my son I always find myself adding "I breast fed for 10 days and then I had PPD" or something like that to justify my reasons. The sad thing is that before I met this old friend of mine who convinced me to try bf I would have never given any justification to anyone if I had chose FF. My husband and I discussed already that I will try again and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out and he won't be so wishey washey on the support to switch like he was with our first.

I wouldn't dream of commenting on how someone feeds their baby after what I went through, only thing I ever suggest is to bf in the hospital for the colostrum

 

[vintage67]

Welcome all the new ladies. It does get better with time but you will still meet people or read things online that can set off all of the old feelings of grief. Some people can put it in perspective better than others. I am genuinely happier when I stay off baby and parenting websites as ironic as that sounds as I type on one right now! But there are just so many things said that are incredibly hurtful. I just read a wonderful essay on another site about a nurse that had been "humbled" by her breastfeeding relationship after admittedly judging others for years. Now she is facing scorn from her co-workers after being unable to get her baby latched and unable to maintain a pumping supply.

 

[Starry Night]

I don't understand the nagging to "at least you should pump" if BFing isn't working out. Not everyone is a good pumper! I know lots of girls who successfully BF'ed their babies long term who said they couldn't pump. This past time I did try to pump past making the switch to FF but I was not a pumper. I don't know if it's different each time or not.

 

[yellowpetal]

Glad ive come across this thread, its not nice but relieving that there are ladies out there who feel the same way that I do. I am really struggling with the change over to be honest. I did post a thread, where i was directed to this one so i'll give a brief overview of my story.

During my labour, I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and little ones heart kept dropping, nearly ended up with c-section but labour progressed fairly quickly and baby was born. I was ushered of to high dependancy unit and there were no staff about. As about 4 hours past and I still hadn't been seen to get help with latching baby on, I asked a nurse to come help me. She did and i thought, wow this is painful but thought i was doing it right. When it came to getting released, the midwifes on the ward wanted to observe a feed. When they did come, and I 'latched' my baby on, they were utterly shocked that i thought i was doing it right. They left the room, got a sterile cup and told me to hand express to make sure baby got some food and they wouldn't discharge until they seen me breastfeed successfully. After a good few hours, and given a leaflet and told what to do, i managed to get him on and midwife witnessed it for a few mins and I was allowed home.

That night i continued to struggle with his latch, he was getting really agitated and upset but i continued. My nipples became very sore very quickly, and started to bleed. I tried for 3-4 days to exclusively breastfeed, but it just wasn't happening. I couldn't cope with the toe curling constant pain i got when he attempted to latch on, just to fall back off a few seconds later. At an appointment on day 4 they found that he had tounge tie and this was causing the latching on issues. I started to exclusively pump, which i intended to do until his tounge tie was repaired (funny that, hes now 19 days old, and ive only just heard from the hospital to get an appointment with the consultant, thats 15 days..).

I very quickly developed bad mastitis in my right breast, i woke up shivering, i was engorged, ill, it was horrible. I continued to express through it even though it was severe pain and i was not getting more then a few drops. Started to take antibiotics, which seemed to clear the infection but not the blockage.

I'm now at day 19, still expressing but can only get 3oz out of both breasts combined every 4 hours, ive tried more regular expressing and my body just isnt producing anymore, any quicker. My baby is still hungry after ive drained myself. I am convinced i have blocked plugs in my right breast, because i dont understand why i'm still only getting a few drops as opposed to the near 3oz's out of my left. Nothing i can do will help, ive tried hot baths, flannels, cabbage, massage, latching baby on (to no avail, he wont entertain the right boob at all).. so what can i do? continue to express, forcing a dummy in his mouth after every feed just hoping he will be ok until my next lot of milk decides to come in? does that make me a better mother then i would be to formula feed?

My point is, we can only do what is best for our babies, we've tried, and sadly nature wasn't in our favour. The guilt is so overwelming, I know, i'm feeling it and it honestly brings tears to my eyes. I just wish my right boob would clear up, cos if i could get 3oz out of that one like the left, i could carry on! but do i sit and wait another 10 days, hoping it clears up? No because my baby can't go on being hungry all the time.

You've all done your best, gone through pain, misery and now suffering with guilt. and as much as i could sit and advice you not to feel bad, and you shouldn't, i no it wont help because it doesn't help me.

Thats me anyway, ill continue to read through this thread as it really is inspiring.

xxx

 

[TatorMom]

It's been really nice to read this thread!

I pumped for somewhere around 10 agonizing months(through much of my pregnancy with DS2) for DS1. DS1 never latched on properly. I was 100% against giving him formula because breast milk is healthier and all the touted long term benefits...yack yack yack. I had mastitis more times than I could could count, thrush that just wouldn't go away, pain from engorgement because I made enough milk to feed a small nation, and at the end 100% of the milk I was pumping was deep red from being filled with blood from my nipples. My DH has never forgotten about that. He said it made him hurt just seeing it. I was determined, but once it hit the point that the breast milk was probably 25% blood and I was in constant pain it I threw in the towel and switched to formula. For the first time in almost a year I felt like a human being. I wasn't attached to the pump, I could eat/drink whatever I wanted, and I wasn't in pain. I was healthier mentally and physically and my only regret was not switching to formula sooner. With DS2 is was completely different. His delivery was a breeze and he latched on like a pro. I loved breastfeeding him! However, at 3mos I stopped because I was loosing so much weight so fast that he started to refuse my milk. With a 15month old and a 3month old I just didn't have the time or energy to take care of myself like BFing required. That and holy cow was is nice to feel like a human again. I don't know why, but BFing just made me feel like I was chained down. I never regretted switching to formula.

I don't really take much stalk in the health benefits of BFing after our experiences with our son's. DS1, who got only breast milk for almost a year developed chronic croup(ER visits almost monthly), chronic ear infections(got ear tubes put in recently), and has ADHD, sensory issues, and was late to hit his milestones(crawling, walking, talking, etc.). DS2 who was BF for 3mos, at best, has been super healthy and has had no issues. He had always been ahead for his age, and was even bumped up in preschool, so he'll be in his brothers grade from now on out.

I feel a bit guilty that I don't even want to try and BF the twins. Part of it being that they're twins, and because I have 2 older kids. Also I just want to be able to get help with feedings and be able to take shifts at night. I don't want to have to be the source of food. Not to mention BFing and pumping always took FOREVER, not to mention how frequently, where with a bottle 15-20 and they were done. I also started on Zoloft for depression and anxiety, which has literally given me my life back. My kids and DH are happier even. I know studies show it's safe to take while BFing, but I don't like the idea that they could be getting any in their system. I'm a MUCH better mom when I'm taking it too!

 

[Evian260]

Tatormom I was on Zoloft after I had my first for PPD and it helped me tons too

 

[ceejie]

I have posted before in another thread and a lot of you kind ladies gave me words of encouragement but I am suddenly feeling terrible again.

Long story short, I tried everything but still barely produce any milk. So about a month ago I stopped pumping and I only BF 1-2 times a day now, but it is more for comfort than anything as I can barely squeeze a few drops out.

I don't understand. I was doing fine, I felt like I had come to terms with it. Now, all of a sudden whenever I BF I look down at DD and get tears in my eyes. I feel like I didn't try hard enough, which I know just isn't true (domperidone, pumping 8-12x per day, constant nursing, massaging etc etc).

What is going on? Why am I having these feelings again? The really stupid part is DD has a bad reaction to breast milk and it makes her reflux worse, and she is a happier, healthier baby on formula so I know that I shouldn't feel bad, but I do.

 

[vintage67]

Some people that are successfully breastfeeding will say that no one should be feeling any guilt that truly tried their hardest. I think this is nonsense. The overwhelming feelings of motherhood can push any of us to feel "guilty" about any of our perceived "failings" even over things completely out of our control.

This morning, I fed my baby his morning bottle on the couch as I always do. It's our special cuddle time every morning. He is almost 10 months old now so he can hold a bottle in the high chair just fine, but the first of the day he still gets held like a tiny baby in my arms (with his long legs hanging out of my lap!). Sometimes, even in these special times with him gazing up into my eyes, I can be overwhelmed by a grief/guilt combination, as if I could have done anything about being hospitalized for nearly 2 weeks when he was a week old, or kept up a pumping supply with 103 degree fevers.

The guilt and grief was much worse with my first son, when like you, I just had no supply no matter what I did, took, swallowed, pumped, drank, ate, meditated, etc. He is 8 years old now, and I'll be honest, I'm still occcassionally bothered/reminded of that emotional pain.

You couldn't have tried any harder without most likely putting yourself in a mental ward. A lot of us have been there. It does seem that some people are better able to rationalize the fact that their very best efforts did not yield the result they wanted, and moved on. The lack of true inner peace over the issue is upsetting. And I firmly believe that the internet makes it worse. I love being able to come online and chat/read threads from moms all over the world when I am so lonely, but it too often comes at a price of reading some very hurtful things.

I can't promise you the hurt will ever go away, but it does fade considerably. Once your little baby starts hitting more milestones, smiling and laughing more, and even starting on solids seems to help. Take care.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

My roommate is TTC with her husband before he deploys to the Marine Corps. I am gutted, she asked about my experience with BFing and why I wasn't able to. I told her everything, but it was horribly depressing. I didn't even realize I was still this sad about it.

I am currently WTT and no idea if I will try BFing next time...

 

[lysh]

I know some women who could not BF with their first but had better luck with the second. I guess it depends. One woman I spoke with had supply issues with her first, but then had an oversupply with her second!!
I am sure that is not the case with many, but it can happen.

I think my personality is my worst enemy. I deal with generalized anxiety and I tend to stress myself out easily which I am sure did not help my supply. I still combo feed, but I can already see some changes. My DD loves to BF, but she is starting to treat my breasts like a paci. I am not sure how sufficiently she drinks from them. I keep hoping my supply will last me a while longer, but it is hard to say. I always question if I have done enough or tried enough or if I could try harder- but there comes a point where it is what it is and acceptance needs to come into play. In the end, none of us want the lack of ability to either BF at all or EBF to hinder the special moments we do have with our LOs. In the end, is it really the end all be all? What really matters is the love and care we give our children, regardless of how we are able to feed them. That is what our children will remember.

 

[Lady_Bee]

Huge hugs too the ladies here who are struggling... I have had a few emotional days recently about formula feeding, but in general I am feeling much happier about it. I still feel angry though for all the women who feel as cornered as I did on the feeding issue, especially in view of some disgusting comments people make. I saw an article last night about a breastfeeding counsellor in australia who compared formula feeding to giving your child AIDS.

W.t.f.

I have no words for that kind of stupidity not to mention total lack of respect or compassion for what some women go through in trying to breastfeed their kids.

Crap like that is just soooooo not on...