The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

Bee i read that article too- I'm an Australian and i am white hot angry with everything that was said in that article. I was going to spew vitriol and rage somewhere on BnB but all i would succeed in doing is kicking off the BF vs FF thing again getting this thread or another thread locked and myself barred. BUT It really does go somewhere close to explaining where this divide starts- never in a million years would i have thought such an attitude would come from here in Aus let me tell you.

 

[HellBunny]

Huge hugs too the ladies here who are struggling... I have had a few emotional days recently about formula feeding, but in general I am feeling much happier about it. I still feel angry though for all the women who feel as cornered as I did on the feeding issue, especially in view of some disgusting comments people make. I saw an article last night about a breastfeeding counsellor in australia who compared formula feeding to giving your child AIDS.

W.t.f.

I have no words for that kind of stupidity not to mention total lack of respect or compassion for what some women go through in trying to breastfeed their kids.

Crap like that is just soooooo not on...

The lady who said that must really be unhappy in where here life is taking her! Clearly if she was so content with how she is she wouldn't have time to make such crap like that up. I've seen similar things on BnB a while ago but i won't go bringing that up now.


I don't feel any guilt these days, mainly because i don't go on baby forums much lately, but there was a time after my first where i hated myself for not suceeding, i look back now and think, i have 2 happy, healthy (depsite what militant bfers may think) children, who love their mummy. I couldn't give a camels ar*e what my mum fed me as a baby, whether it was BF,Formula or blinking goat milk! Most people don't either - except the ones who are obsessed with BF/FF etc!

 

[vintage67]

Huge hugs too the ladies here who are struggling... I have had a few emotional days recently about formula feeding, but in general I am feeling much happier about it. I still feel angry though for all the women who feel as cornered as I did on the feeding issue, especially in view of some disgusting comments people make. I saw an article last night about a breastfeeding counsellor in australia who compared formula feeding to giving your child AIDS.

W.t.f.

I have no words for that kind of stupidity not to mention total lack of respect or compassion for what some women go through in trying to breastfeed their kids.

Crap like that is just soooooo not on...

The lady who said that must really be unhappy in where here life is taking her! Clearly if she was so content with how she is she wouldn't have time to make such crap like that up. I've seen similar things on BnB a while ago but i won't go bringing that up now.


I don't feel any guilt these days, mainly because i don't go on baby forums much lately, but there was a time after my first where i hated myself for not suceeding, i look back now and think, i have 2 happy, healthy (depsite what militant bfers may think) children, who love their mummy. I couldn't give a camels ar*e what my mum fed me as a baby, whether it was BF,Formula or blinking goat milk! Most people don't either - except the ones who are obsessed with BF/FF etc!

Good for you HellBunny!

 

[vintage67]

Bee i read that article too- I'm an Australian and i am white hot angry with everything that was said in that article. I was going to spew vitriol and rage somewhere on BnB but all i would succeed in doing is kicking off the BF vs FF thing again getting this thread or another thread locked and myself barred. BUT It really does go somewhere close to explaining where this divide starts- never in a million years would i have thought such an attitude would come from here in Aus let me tell you.

Horrible things being said in Aus and NZ right now. I've read it too. My husband was RAGING over the athlete whose was filmed [gasp] feeding his new baby a bottle, and attacked by the LLL. I just don't know who this kind of vitriol is supposed to benefit.

 

[HellBunny]

I know its easier said than done, but please please don't waste time feeling guilty about feeding, your babies love you and they want their mummies happy!
I've been unwell lately (since my youngest was 7 weeks old) in and out of hospital, and it has really put things into perspective, it's made me sit back and appreciate what is going well in life, and having 2 kids and a great partner. I wish i could turn back time and re-do my eldest's first year, i think partly the reason i had PND was because of this whole BF/FF guilt thing, i could kick myself now, why did i let those idiots get me down?!

Ok sorry rant over lol

 

[ceejie]

Some people that are successfully breastfeeding will say that no one should be feeling any guilt that truly tried their hardest. I think this is nonsense. The overwhelming feelings of motherhood can push any of us to feel "guilty" about any of our perceived "failings" even over things completely out of our control.

This morning, I fed my baby his morning bottle on the couch as I always do. It's our special cuddle time every morning. He is almost 10 months old now so he can hold a bottle in the high chair just fine, but the first of the day he still gets held like a tiny baby in my arms (with his long legs hanging out of my lap!). Sometimes, even in these special times with him gazing up into my eyes, I can be overwhelmed by a grief/guilt combination, as if I could have done anything about being hospitalized for nearly 2 weeks when he was a week old, or kept up a pumping supply with 103 degree fevers.

The guilt and grief was much worse with my first son, when like you, I just had no supply no matter what I did, took, swallowed, pumped, drank, ate, meditated, etc. He is 8 years old now, and I'll be honest, I'm still occcassionally bothered/reminded of that emotional pain.

You couldn't have tried any harder without most likely putting yourself in a mental ward. A lot of us have been there. It does seem that some people are better able to rationalize the fact that their very best efforts did not yield the result they wanted, and moved on. The lack of true inner peace over the issue is upsetting. And I firmly believe that the internet makes it worse. I love being able to come online and chat/read threads from moms all over the world when I am so lonely, but it too often comes at a price of reading some very hurtful things.

I can't promise you the hurt will ever go away, but it does fade considerably. Once your little baby starts hitting more milestones, smiling and laughing more, and even starting on solids seems to help. Take care.

Thanks Vintage. I know I have done everything I can, but I guess it is will just take time. I know I am doing what is best for my little girl, as spending hours a day on the pump to get to get a total of 6oz at the high end was just ridiculous. I can now spend this time with my little girl and she is so much happier, but it still nags at me, especially because it seems every day I encounter someone or something telling me that breast milk is better, formula is evil etc.

 

[Menelly]

I kind of want to come join you guys, even though it's still breaking my heart.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis today. And they want to put me on methotrexate and biologics, and I can't breastfeed on them.

And I can't stop crying.

My relationship didn't fail. We are doing so well. I love it so much. I don't want to stop breastfeeding

And my body failed me. I can't stop crying. I know, logically, that when she's 5 years old, she won't care one whit about how she was fed at 6 months old. And she will care if Mommy can't walk around Disneyland with her. So I know I'm being emotionally stupid. But... I'm in mourning. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over it.

I don't want to stop. But I can't in good conscience risk permanent joint damage either. And I can't stop hating myself for failing. My body failed me, and now I fail her.

This sucks.

 

[Lady_Bee]

I kind of want to come join you guys, even though it's still breaking my heart.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis today. And they want to put me on methotrexate and biologics, and I can't breastfeed on them.

And I can't stop crying.

My relationship didn't fail. We are doing so well. I love it so much. I don't want to stop breastfeeding

And my body failed me. I can't stop crying. I know, logically, that when she's 5 years old, she won't care one whit about how she was fed at 6 months old. And she will care if Mommy can't walk around Disneyland with her. So I know I'm being emotionally stupid. But... I'm in mourning. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over it.

I don't want to stop. But I can't in good conscience risk permanent joint damage either. And I can't stop hating myself for failing. My body failed me, and now I fail her.

This sucks.

I'm so sorry Menelly
It is incredibly hard to lose something that was so important and meaningful to you. Harder still I think when it is your own body that 'betrayed' you. You are right it is much more important in the grand scheme of things that your daughter has a healthy, well mother than breast milk for a little while longer and you are truly NOT letting her down, this is NOT your fault.

But I am sure knowing that doesn't make it any less painful as it is very raw to you.

The grief of a lost breastfeeding relationship is very real. I grieved for a long time. Mostly I have forgiven my body and feel more at peace but there will always be a part of me that is sad (and even angry) about what I went through (and what my baby went through, and particularly now what other women like me go through). I think it is sooo important to allow yourself to grieve... it can be frustrating when others around you just dont understand why it is a big deal and why it is painful and why you can't just get over it! It can feel heartbreaking and even crippling though and those who have experienced it know this. You are not alone. Many women in this thread have struggled hugely with the weight of the grief and many are still struggling every day. I hope you find this thread helpful, cathartic maybe. I know it has been for me.

 

[kimini26]

My mother had RA and my brother and I were never upset about not being breastfed. We were however upset about all the things our mom couldn't do with us as a family like camping, ice skating, that sort of thing. Try to look at this a preserving her childhood. For the most part my body didn't fail me, my mind did and I can't breastfeed because of the medications I have to take to save my sanity. So I definitely can sympathize.

 

[Evian260]

I kind of want to come join you guys, even though it's still breaking my heart.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis today. And they want to put me on methotrexate and biologics, and I can't breastfeed on them.

And I can't stop crying.

My relationship didn't fail. We are doing so well. I love it so much. I don't want to stop breastfeeding

And my body failed me. I can't stop crying. I know, logically, that when she's 5 years old, she won't care one whit about how she was fed at 6 months old. And she will care if Mommy can't walk around Disneyland with her. So I know I'm being emotionally stupid. But... I'm in mourning. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over it.

I don't want to stop. But I can't in good conscience risk permanent joint damage either. And I can't stop hating myself for failing. My body failed me, and now I fail her.

This sucks.

Massive to you. I can't imagine being presented with this myself. You're right about not in good conscience risking joint damage - you need to be able to be there for your daughter in the long run. And you gave her 6 wonderful months of breastmilk. Hats off to you, mama.

 

[Menelly]

Thanks all. (((hugs)))

I think the hardest part is everyone acting like I'm nuts to be as upset as I am. I should just smile and be over it and be happy everyone else can help me feed her. And... I'm not.

My rheumatology appt isn't until Sept 26th, and my family doc suggested having her weaned by then so they can start meds right away. So at least I have some time to mourn and some time to enjoy our relationship while I can. I'm trying to look at the positives.

And Kimini, that's why as sad as I am, I know I have to do it. I want to go camping. (I can't ice skate to save my life, but hey...) I want family vacations to be fun times not "mom spends half of it in pain in the hotel" times. My mom has a very rare auto immune disease, and she got it when I was 8. And the difference in my life before and after was huge, and I don't want to do that to her.

I'll suck it up, but I'm going to be crying about it for a while.

On the bright side, I can go back on my normal mental health meds, that I had to quit to breastfeed. That should help.

 

[kimini26]

I did something similar when I had to stop giving Emily breastmilk. I had her on all formula about 2 days before my appointment. You are definitely not nuts for mourning the loss of a successful breastfeeding relationship. Good luck with your appointment. I'm curious to know what route they go with your meds and such. Mom's been gone almost 3 years but my ears always perk up a little when someone mentions RA.

 

[Damita]

:wave: I'm new - been feeling guilty today - I had a really traumatic birth so i am dealing with the physical and mental side, Lilith couldn't latch we tried all the positions, and I just sobbed as she was crying from hunger and due to the traumatic birth my milk hasn't come in so we are formula feeding, she is doing so much better

I also suffer from depression/anxiety and have CBT for that so worried for PND.

Oh and having pcos effects milk production?

 

[Allyson11]

Allyson11, don't feel bad for the decision you made. If you were that upset that your OH had to step in then it's probably for the best. Mommy's sanity is very important too!

I also had problems resenting my baby. He was quickly becoming "the thing I fed". I don't know if I had supply issues or not but he did refuse to nurse (he would fall asleep and stop sucking). Taking care of bottles and preparing formula is a lot of work but my life felt so much FREER after making the switch. I was literally dancing around the house and DS had a fuller tummy and fuller diapers (this was the biggest stresser for me...he kept showing signs of dehydration).

You may feel some guilt (I did) but as you watch your LO grow into a healthy, happy boy then you will know you made the right choice for your family.

My OH had to step in for me too.

Sorry, I wasn't ignoring your reply I had to come off the site for a bit. My son is much happier now and I can feel my self slowly bonding with him finally which is a relief. I don't think the guilt will go entirely and the mw is still keeping an eye on me for ppd, but replies like yours are the reason I posted and were the support I was initially looking for. Thank you

 

[Kage76]

Thanks all. (((hugs)))

I think the hardest part is everyone acting like I'm nuts to be as upset as I am. I should just smile and be over it and be happy everyone else can help me feed her. And... I'm not.

My rheumatology appt isn't until Sept 26th, and my family doc suggested having her weaned by then so they can start meds right away. So at least I have some time to mourn and some time to enjoy our relationship while I can. I'm trying to look at the positives.

can i just say one thing? I promise that your relationship will not change. The method of how she is fed will but when you feed her keep her close snuggle her and you might find that its rewarding in its own way- i have been told there is a lot more eye contact with FF- and its still lovely.

I dont think anyone else but another BF mother really understands the dynamics of the breastfeeding relationship- that's why this thread exists- best advice is keep coming on here let go of your grief with us- just having a understanding ear has been the best thing for me in this whole journey.

 

[vintage67]

:wave: I'm new - been feeling guilty today - I had a really traumatic birth so i am dealing with the physical and mental side, Lilith couldn't latch we tried all the positions, and I just sobbed as she was crying from hunger and due to the traumatic birth my milk hasn't come in so we are formula feeding, she is doing so much better

I also suffer from depression/anxiety and have CBT for that so worried for PND.

Oh and having pcos effects milk production?

Welcome Damita. congratulations on your new baby girl!

Yes, PCOS can definitley affect milk supply. Not everyone with PCOS will have a low supply, but estimates range all over the place on how many are affected. Generally 1 in 3 women with PCOS will have difficulty with milk production. A traumatic birth never helps things. Please be kind to yourself during this time. Too many of us have struggled so with feeding that those precious days are just a blur of a crying, non latching baby, the whir of a breastpump, and our own tears when it should be a far more joyful, albeit exhausting time.

Be patient; you may just establish a breastfeeding relationship yet, and if not, we are here for you. Your baby will be loved and healthy all the same.

 

[ceejie]

Thanks all. (((hugs)))

I think the hardest part is everyone acting like I'm nuts to be as upset as I am. I should just smile and be over it and be happy everyone else can help me feed her. And... I'm not.

I completely understand! My DH does not understand why I am so upset, he keeps asking what the big deal is. He just doesn't get it.

 

[Lady_Bee]

Thanks all. (((hugs)))

I think the hardest part is everyone acting like I'm nuts to be as upset as I am. I should just smile and be over it and be happy everyone else can help me feed her. And... I'm not.

I completely understand! My DH does not understand why I am so upset, he keeps asking what the big deal is. He just doesn't get it.

My husband was the same. In fact he was quite angry with me about it for a long time! It really put a strain on things.

 

[Damita]

:wave: I'm new - been feeling guilty today - I had a really traumatic birth so I am dealing with the physical and mental side, Lilith couldn't latch we tried all the positions, and I just sobbed as she was crying from hunger and due to the traumatic birth my milk hasn't come in so we are formula feeding, she is doing so much better

I also suffer from depression/anxiety and have CBT for that so worried for PND.

Oh and having pcos effects milk production?

Welcome Damita. congratulations on your new baby girl!

Yes, PCOS can definitley affect milk supply. Not everyone with PCOS will have a low supply, but estimates range all over the place on how many are affected. Generally 1 in 3 women with PCOS will have difficulty with milk production. A traumatic birth never helps things. Please be kind to yourself during this time. Too many of us have struggled so with feeding that those precious days are just a blur of a crying, non latching baby, the whir of a breastpump, and our own tears when it should be a far more joyful, albeit exhausting time.

Be patient; you may just establish a breastfeeding relationship yet, and if not, we are here for you. Your baby will be loved and healthy all the same.

That makes sense I only managed to get 10ml for her using breast pump so think PCOS is def playing a part - my boobs don't even leak that much but she is happy drinking her formula as well

Thanks - I'm staying on this side of the fence, I'd rather be happy mentally then cause myself upset & stress

 

[kickass_MOM]

a good read if you need to feel better after being subjected to mental torture by fanatics & lunatics
https://www.slate.com/articles/heal...er/2006/03/tales_from_the_nursery.single.html

BTW I think we FFers should stop reacting to comments in public forums .Better still ,tell them you formula feed and add a new list of BFing benefits to the already long list.Only then will this drama end.