The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[MrsPOP]

a good read if you need to feel better after being subjected to mental torture by fanatics & lunatics
https://www.slate.com/articles/heal...er/2006/03/tales_from_the_nursery.single.html

BTW I think we FFers should stop reacting to comments in public forums .Better still ,tell them you formula feed and add a new list of BFing benefits to the already long list.Only then will this drama end.

Easier said than done though kickassMOM when the guilt brings us down so low.

In fact I disagree I think there *should* be a dialogue between BFers and women like us. I've always said we have a lot to offer the Bf movement because a lot of us are a product of the 'help' out there. A lot of us were let down by the system be it bad advice, no help at all or no information about genuine medical conditions that affect BFing resulting in women feeling so guilty when they shouldn't.

This is why I started this thread in the first place because we deserve to have a voice just as much as any other mother does.

And the BF vs FF drama isn't going to end when women who Ff happily or women like us who FF through lack of choice stop fighting against the bigotry out there against us. Why should we sit quietly by whilst people say some terrible things to us (Vintage I will never forget you telling us someone told you 'good luck when your baby gets cancer because you gave formula'). Im not saying we should be causing drama, not at all. But we deserve to have our experiences heard because only then will the drama end, when the Bf movement realises where it failed us and can learn from its mistakes.

 

[fides]

I know some women who could not BF with their first but had better luck with the second. I guess it depends. One woman I spoke with had supply issues with her first, but then had an oversupply with her second!!
I am sure that is not the case with many, but it can happen.

Thank you - I needed to hear that today. Expecting again, and i keep going back and forth between even wanting to get my hopes up in trying at all - the 25 day struggle of trying to get my milk to come in that resulted in depression is not something i want to go through again, yet a huge part of me still wants to BF, so it is encouraging to hear that you know someone who was able to the 2nd time around. Anyway, thanks for posting that.

I kind of want to come join you guys, even though it's still breaking my heart.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis today. And they want to put me on methotrexate and biologics, and I can't breastfeed on them.

And I can't stop crying.

My relationship didn't fail. We are doing so well. I love it so much. I don't want to stop breastfeeding

And my body failed me. I can't stop crying. I know, logically, that when she's 5 years old, she won't care one whit about how she was fed at 6 months old. And she will care if Mommy can't walk around Disneyland with her. So I know I'm being emotionally stupid. But... I'm in mourning. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over it.

I don't want to stop. But I can't in good conscience risk permanent joint damage either. And I can't stop hating myself for failing. My body failed me, and now I fail her.

This sucks.

:wave: I'm new - been feeling guilty today - I had a really traumatic birth so i am dealing with the physical and mental side, Lilith couldn't latch we tried all the positions, and I just sobbed as she was crying from hunger and due to the traumatic birth my milk hasn't come in so we are formula feeding, she is doing so much better

I also suffer from depression/anxiety and have CBT for that so worried for PND.

Oh and having pcos effects milk production?

to you both.

 

[fides]

a good read if you need to feel better after being subjected to mental torture by fanatics & lunatics
https://www.slate.com/articles/heal...er/2006/03/tales_from_the_nursery.single.html

BTW I think we FFers should stop reacting to comments in public forums .Better still ,tell them you formula feed and add a new list of BFing benefits to the already long list.Only then will this drama end.

oh my goodness - i wish i had read that months ago. 2 things i'd bought into that i believed to be true - my baby wouldn't be protected from germs and such b/c i wasn't able to give him antibodies via breast milk, and that he'd become obese. Turns out i was wrong on both counts. Thanks for sharing that.

 

[kickass_MOM]

a good read if you need to feel better after being subjected to mental torture by fanatics & lunatics
https://www.slate.com/articles/heal...er/2006/03/tales_from_the_nursery.single.html

BTW I think we FFers should stop reacting to comments in public forums .Better still ,tell them you formula feed and add a new list of BFing benefits to the already long list.Only then will this drama end.

Easier said than done though kickassMOM when the guilt brings us down so low.

In fact I disagree I think there *should* be a dialogue between BFers and women like us. I've always said we have a lot to offer the Bf movement because a lot of us are a product of the 'help' out there. A lot of us were let down by the system be it bad advice, no help at all or no information about genuine medical conditions that affect BFing resulting in women feeling so guilty when they shouldn't.

This is why I started this thread in the first place because we deserve to have a voice just as much as any other mother does.

And the BF vs FF drama isn't going to end when women who Ff happily or women like us who FF through lack of choice stop fighting against the bigotry out there against us. Why should we sit quietly by whilst people say some terrible things to us (Vintage I will never forget you telling us someone told you 'good luck when your baby gets cancer because you gave formula'). Im not saying we should be causing drama, not at all. But we deserve to have our experiences heard because only then will the drama end, when the Bf movement realises where it failed us and can learn from its mistakes.

Totally agree Mrs POP.In fact I am not sure what I'd do if I had not come across this forum during the most miserable period in my postpartum life.My anger is specifically directed towards those faceless 'Anonymous'es that write with the intention of making FFers guilty by saying things like non viable offspring and suchlike. I see FFers naturally get offended and react to those statements.Many launch into a full blown account of why they couldn't breastfeed .But people are sitting so high on their judgemental horses, its difficult for them to understand to what lengths one has gone to breastfeed.The ones who are sweet sympathize but I doubt they can empathize.Of course there is another minority that truly understands and they are few and far between.In fact I have a nagging suspicion that some of the comments come from men who have no better business than rabble-rousing.
Again I was not talking about this forum which is a godsend for many of us.

 

[vintage67]

fides, a lady in my neighborhood really struggled with her first son and had a really good supply with her second; enough to even build a freezer stash for when she went back to work!

I have likewise encountered women in the reverse situation such as the wife of one of my husband's co-workers who BF three children succssfully then couldn't overcome latch issues with baby #4 and lost her supply because pumping wasn't successful. The woman who runs a healthfood store in our area that sold me fenugreek and blessed thistle when I had Ethan had 3 children and the middle one was FF due to latch/supply issues and the other 2 did fine BF.

I think I could have pulled it off a bit better with baby #2 if I had not suffered that horrible uterine infection one week post partum. The sheer injustice of it all! At my age on my last baby after what I went through with Ethan!

So, have hope, but the cautious kind of hope that only those of us who have been through this pain understand; the kind of hope that still protects your heart. You know we're here for you either way!

 

[Lauki]

a good read if you need to feel better after being subjected to mental torture by fanatics & lunatics
https://www.slate.com/articles/heal...er/2006/03/tales_from_the_nursery.single.html

BTW I think we FFers should stop reacting to comments in public forums .Better still ,tell them you formula feed and add a new list of BFing benefits to the already long list.Only then will this drama end.

Easier said than done though kickassMOM when the guilt brings us down so low.

In fact I disagree I think there *should* be a dialogue between BFers and women like us. I've always said we have a lot to offer the Bf movement because a lot of us are a product of the 'help' out there. A lot of us were let down by the system be it bad advice, no help at all or no information about genuine medical conditions that affect BFing resulting in women feeling so guilty when they shouldn't.

This is why I started this thread in the first place because we deserve to have a voice just as much as any other mother does.

And the BF vs FF drama isn't going to end when women who Ff happily or women like us who FF through lack of choice stop fighting against the bigotry out there against us. Why should we sit quietly by whilst people say some terrible things to us (Vintage I will never forget you telling us someone told you 'good luck when your baby gets cancer because you gave formula'). Im not saying we should be causing drama, not at all. But we deserve to have our experiences heard because only then will the drama end, when the Bf movement realises where it failed us and can learn from its mistakes.

Hey =). I'm still following this thread to help me understand the troubles women can go through with breastfeeding and having to stop (I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter, so want to support but also understand and certainly not judge ladies who have to give up their breastfeeding journey).

I'm agreeing with you here that you certainly shouldn't be quiet! Talk about your experiences, it will help people understand that the support in countries like the UK is really abysmal.

Please don't forget that these women saying these aweful aweful things to you are only the noisy minority. They are horrible people and please don't waste your time on them.

Please know that most of us respect your choice. We know you've tried all you could and you had to make this decision because it was the best one. Formula isn't bad or poison or whatever silly thing some women make it out to be. It nourishes your baby, who is still just as loved as any breastfed baby, and surely that is what counts!

 

[vintagecat]

I agree with Lauki. Instead of looking down on one another, we should pat each other on the back. Raising children is difficult, no matter what! We all have sleepless nights or don't feel confident in our abilities. The most important part about raising a child is to love them, love them, love them.

 

[Irish Eyes]

I currently feel awful. I found bfing easy, yes easy!!! It didn't hurt at all, he had no problems except being a little bit slow to gain weight but I wasn't worried. The only problem for me was timing, he fed every 60-90 mins, no more. I desperately tried to express but those stupid machines never got more than an once from me. I just gave up. I had 6 days when OH was working away and LO wanted feeding every hour and I just gave up.

Now I find myself trying to justify my choice. My MIL had been begging me from the start to FF. My Mum and I have always had a strained relationship and when I was pregnant I looked down on her as she smoked all through her pregnancies. How could she do that? But she BF me for 17 months until my 10lb 4oz bro came along and she bf him for 2 years.

I hate to admit it but I just wanted an easier life. Seriously, I look at my week old nephew and think how much easier it would be if I did that next time?! I so wanted to keep bfing but I just give up. women go through extreme pain and I give up for lack of sleep?!!! I actually hate myself, mainly because I would do the same again

 

[kimini26]

I think lack of sleep is an excellent reason to stop. Sleep deprivation makes for dangerous situations. Unless you are one of those people who can operate on a couple of hours of broken sleep and still manage to tidy the house and go to the store and cook dinner. I'm not one of those people.

 

[Eala]

Please don't ever under-estimate sleep deprivation. It is used as a torture method for a reason. Lack of sleep has severe physical and psycho-emotional ramifications, and everyone's tolerances are different.

This all comes down to this damaging idea that, as Mothers, we are supposed to become super-human. The reality is that we have to look after ourselves in order to look after our children. Just like in an airplane, you are told that if the oxygen masks deploy, you put yours on first before helping anyone else. If a lack of sleep means that you can't function, then you are doing your child no favours at all.

It'd be lovely if society in general (and bullying, militant, judgemental parents in particular) could recognise this

 

[Meredith2010]

Can I join?

I'm currently 3 months into BFing DD and until recently it's been easy and there have been no problems. But over the last few days she'd been totally refusing to latch or feed, to the point where she gets beside herself and just screams and screams for ages. Even just putting her near my boob earlier sent her into a rage! I just don't know what the problem is, other than thinking that because I have a really slow letdown she's just getting frustrated that the milk isn't coming through.

I know that there are things I could do to try and sort this but realistically she's going to have to go onto formula part time in 6 weeks anyway when I go back to work. I just don't want to spend my last few weeks of maternity leave fighting a screaming baby, or attached to a pump the whole day. I've been getting into such a state over her refusing to feed and I just don't think it's good for me or my babies for me to be like this.

So depending on whether she improves, I think I may have to make the heartbreaking decision to stop as I can't have many more days like the last few (her screaming basically all day, me in floods of tears begging her to feed from me).

But I also can't imagine how I'm going to accept stopping BFing, it just devastates me. Which is stupid as DS was FF from 8 weeks old and I didn't have a problem with it whatsoever. But for some reason I'm just so emotionally attached to it with DD and I just can't get my head around not BFing her. And then I feel doubly guilty - guilty about stopping BFing and the guilty because I DIDN'T feel guilty about stopping BFing DS! Does that make sense?

Anyway, I'm ranting now really. I just feel so torn

 

[devon_91x]

Hi all I have been BF my girl for 16 days now and have hated doing it since day one. When I was pregnant I told myself I would BF for at least 6 months, but I never really how hard it was until I tried it! I found it hard to latch on at first and even after help from midwives I'm still convinced I havnt been doing it right! She never settles after a feed and can never burp afterwards, and I'm sick of leaking boobs! After umming and aahing about it for the past week, today I decided to do what makes me hap to formula. I still plan to express my milk until it runs out, and I do feel like I've failed, but I already feel happier knowing I've made my decision

 

[Evian260]

Hi all I have been BF my girl for 16 days now and have hated doing it since day one. When I was pregnant I told myself I would BF for at least 6 months, but I never really how hard it was until I tried it! I found it hard to latch on at first and even after help from midwives I'm still convinced I havnt been doing it right! She never settles after a feed and can never burp afterwards, and I'm sick of leaking boobs! After umming and aahing about it for the past week, today I decided to do what makes me hap to formula. I still plan to express my milk until it runs out, and I do feel like I've failed, but I already feel happier knowing I've made my decision

It is so much easier said than done and I can relate (breastfeeding). Happy mommy is a happy baby and don't feel like a failure

 

[KendraNoell]

Those who are still feeling that they aren't doing the best for their baby because they are FF...

Had my son's weight and height done on Thursday. He is 15 lbs 9 oz, and 2.6 times his birth weight (they usually just want them double birth weight by 4 months, he was 1 day over 4 months so you can see he definitely made that milestone!) and in the 50th percentile... his height was 25.75 inches and in the 75th percentile, and the woman who was checking him out was impressed by his activity level, how alert he was, and what made me feel the best was she said, "it's very clear that he loves his mama!" So, who gives a #$^% what I put in his bottle when the whole world knows he loves me with all of his heart?!?!

Keep your heads up ladies... it gets better every day

 

[Kage76]

https://www.stuff.co.nz/auckland/local-news/7641212/Breastapo-claims-create-climbdown

small win but a good one. maybe people are starting to get the message that promoting breastfeeding doesn't mean demonising formula.

and Mods- i have no control over the headline- I personally hate the term.

 

[Menelly]

I'm still slowly weaning Kesslie (and grateful I get the time to slow wean!) and I'm getting so much flack from people. Went to the WIC clinic because we qualify by something like $14 a month. So we BARELY qualify. I've never gotten WIC checks for food while breastfeeding because, really... we can get our own milk and tuna. But formula is expensive and we qualify so... yeah, I went.

The lady there was SO FRICKING RUDE. She went on and on about how I should consider putting off medical treatment until Kesslie's at least a year old, and how I should do more research into whether or not there are drugs I can take while breastfeeding, and her daughter has RA and decided not to treat it during her childbearing years so she could give her baby the best, and maybe I could pump enough this month before I start drugs to have a freezer supply to fall back on and... and all I wanted was my damn formula checks. Quit being such a cow and give me my damn formula checks. I finally asked her where she got her MD to be giving such medical advice and she shut up, but...

I realized that that's probably not too unusual for some of you. It's sadly now a culture that you're allowed to abuse someone who's not breastfeeding, no matter what their reason for it.

It's so not helpful.

 

[AirForceWife7]

Saw something that kinda upset me today.

"Breastfeeding may not be best for every mother, but it is what's best for every baby."

I know it's true, but how is that supposed to make a failure feel?

 

[Eala]

Saw something that kinda upset me today.

"Breastfeeding may not be best for every mother, but it is what's best for every baby."

I know it's true, but how is that supposed to make a failure feel?

What utter BS Sorry, but it really is. I guess a baby with a physical impairment which precludes breastfeeding is just meant to starve then?

When the heck are these people going to grow up and realise that we should be building each other up as mothers, not tearing each other down.

 

[Menelly]

Breastfeeding is totally best for my baby now... you know, since I'm starting a drug that could permanently damage her immune system if I keep feeding her. </sarcasm> Clearly, TOTALLY the best for her.

I hate people sometimes. They don't think. No one disagrees with the idea that breastfeeding is good. But do they *have* to try and make every FF mom feel like shit while they do it?

And, IMO, it doesn't MATTER why that mom chooses formula. It might be a medical reason. It might be due to necessary drugs. It might be undiagnosed tongue tie. It might be she's going back to work in a few weeks and she wants the time bonding with her baby. It might be she just doesn't want to. And that's FINE. I hate this culture of "try to make everyone feel guilty".

 

[AirForceWife7]

Thank you ladies

You know what I hate though? Last time I said something in response to that statement all I got was "It's not putting down mothers who FF, it's your guilt at failing to BF that makes you feel this way. It's nature's way to feel guilty."



I just left it at that, I didn't even know what to say