The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[AirForceWife7]

And I totally agree with you Menelly, in this culture, if you're giving your baby the medically best thing that automatically makes you (or some people tend to think) a better mother than someone else.

I don't want to tar everyone with the same brush, but I've seen it happen and have had it done to me all too often.

I'm blessed to have the SIL that I have. She breastfed my niece for a full year, and when I wasn't successful at BF, all she did was give me a hug and told me she was PROUD of me for trying! Not put me down or tell me "you need to do this because it's best for the baby"

Why can't all people be like that instead of try to shove it down people's throats?! I mean, seriously!

 

[Lady_Bee]

Saw something that kinda upset me today.

"Breastfeeding may not be best for every mother, but it is what's best for every baby."

I know it's true, but how is that supposed to make a failure feel?

Bleh. It's not even true though. Just ignorant.

What's "best for babies" has little meaning in individual circumstances. We all try to do what is best for OUR OWN babies.

Pisses me off when people assume the only reason to ff is selfishness on the part of the mum! Crap!

 

[Damita]

Saw something that kinda upset me today.

"Breastfeeding may not be best for every mother, but it is what's best for every baby."

I know it's true, but how is that supposed to make a failure feel?

What utter BS Sorry, but it really is. I guess a baby with a physical impairment which precludes breastfeeding is just meant to starve then?

When the heck are these people going to grow up and realise that we should be building each other up as mothers, not tearing each other down.

Totally agree

 

[vintage67]

Sorry you're going through that Menelly; sorry to everyone that has to deal with this!

I had a mammogram yesterday and suddenly there in the exam room, I got really upset. There were my boobs being smoooshed one at at time under glass and all I could think about was breastfeeding. I casually said to the radiographer, "I wish something would show up that would tell me why I couldn't breastfeed my children." She wasn't sure what to say, but then gave a very clinical reply, "That's typically hormonal so I wouldn't see anything." It just brought that "defective" feeling back again. I started muttering about fenugreek and pumping. It was like for no reason whatsoever I started defending myself. Poor radiographer lady!

By the way I really hate it too when people say your feelings of guilt are your own fault. I don't know who is that strong psychologically to dismiss all these messages of blame, worthliness and selfishness.

 

[AirForceWife7]

I just thing it's wrong on so many levels for someone to tell me WHY I'm feeling guilty.

As if they actually know how I evaluate my feelings and why I have them! How? How do you know? Are you me? Yeah, didn't think so.

Just so frustrating when someone all of a sudden thinks that they're Dr. Phil because they fed a baby with a boob, and I didn't do that. It's like they try to tell you why you're feeling the way you do. Like they're some supreme being.

Again, this is just what has happened to me personally with a select few people, and by no means am I tarring everyone with that same brush.

 

[MrsPOP]

I've felt a slight shift in how I feel lately.

As you may know Im a Doctor (shock horror, someone who should know better fed her child poison!) and I've been struggling when I've seen new mums who have BF or in my twisted mind received better support in the hospital Bf wise than I did but I saw a Bf lady yesterday and I didn't feel bad. In fact I felt good because I could help her with her problems and support her because she kept saying 'i never knew Bf was so hard'. I wouldn't wish BF difficulty/failure on anyone but it did make me feel slightly better knowing that I wasn't the only one who found it incredibly difficult. And hopefully what I advised will help her to keep BFing, which proves a point I made a good while back that women like me are a untapped resource for the Bf movement. We know what it is to face Bf problems and we did our research in why things went tits up. I felt very proud of myself that instead of feeling that kick to the stomach to see a women who was way more 'mom enough' than me I forgot about my own issues and helped her. And mostly all it took was listening and sympathising...something those idiots who say shit like 'bf isn't best for all moms but it is best for all babies' need to recognise. I mean how is saying crap like that going to help? Really? People who spout utter crud like that aren't campaigning for better Bf rates or support, they just want to make FFers feel like shit and for that I pity them. How sad that they want to kick other mothers in the gut under the guise of helping them.

 

[AirForceWife7]

And mostly all it took was listening and sympathising...something those idiots who say shit like 'bf isn't best for all moms but it is best for all babies' need to recognise. I mean how is saying crap like that going to help? Really? People who spout utter crud like that aren't campaigning for better Bf rates or support, they just want to make FFers feel like shit and for that I pity them. How sad that they want to kick other mothers in the gut under the guise of helping them.

Could NOT have said it better myself.

 

[fides]

https://www.confessionsofadrmom.com/2012/09/to-all-the-mothers-who-struggled-with-breastfeeding/

video of a lady talking about her journey in being unable to nurse. i couldn't even finish it b/c i'd cry too much, but i did like hearing another woman talk about her story.

 

[vintage67]

I want to watch it fides, and will do so on a day I'm feeling really strong!

It is comforting to know you're not alone and that there are people who understand.

 

[dizz]

I'm pregnant again - got asked by the midwife at booking in if I was going to give breastfeeding another go this time around... think I shocked her by saying, "I'm not sure - the behaviour of some bf advocates toward me while I've been ffing this baby has turned me right away from their cause to be honest." Then she picked her jaw up off the floor and privately admitted that, yes, she agrees that it's gone utterly over the top with it all and the pressure's horrific (she never pressurised me either way last time - she's an utter gem to be honest)... don't think she was expecting THAT particular reasoning behind it though!

I'm remaining adamantly undecided on the issue and will make the decision depending on the circumstances of this birth - but it'll be MY decision - not any health visitor, midwife, nurse, gobby woman in the next door bed to me, or random old lady in the street's. It does actually make it LESS likely for me though with the behaviour and treatment I've seen from the "advocates" - I don't think they've quite considered that angle in their tactics!

 

[NellyLou]

I just wanted to share this blog... I wish I had read it before I had my lo, and maybe I wouldn't have had so much guilt associated with my breastfeeding experience. Hugs to all! https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/23/the-ideal-and-the-real-of-breast-feeding/

 

[vintage67]

I'm pregnant again - got asked by the midwife at booking in if I was going to give breastfeeding another go this time around... think I shocked her by saying, "I'm not sure - the behaviour of some bf advocates toward me while I've been ffing this baby has turned me right away from their cause to be honest." Then she picked her jaw up off the floor and privately admitted that, yes, she agrees that it's gone utterly over the top with it all and the pressure's horrific (she never pressurised me either way last time - she's an utter gem to be honest)... don't think she was expecting THAT particular reasoning behind it though!

I'm remaining adamantly undecided on the issue and will make the decision depending on the circumstances of this birth - but it'll be MY decision - not any health visitor, midwife, nurse, gobby woman in the next door bed to me, or random old lady in the street's. It does actually make it LESS likely for me though with the behaviour and treatment I've seen from the "advocates" - I don't think they've quite considered that angle in their tactics!

First Congratulations!

I know what you mean; I have long thought this aggressive "advocacy" could cause a backlash which is unfortunate. You would never get any argument from me that breastfeeding rates are too low and more people should be encouraged to do it. The key word there is encouraged. Crossing into "bullying", "threats" and "insults" is just too much. It's such a stressful, emotional and exahusting time when you've just had a baby. Intimidation is not support.

I felt the same way when I knew I was going to have a second baby. My husband and mother were very nervous after seeing me near suicide the first time. Unfortunately, with my nearly 2 week hospitalization with a uterine staph infection and my repeated minimal supply, it never was much of an issue the second time.

I don't blame you for being ambivalent about even trying again. I will say that there are a lot of people who have much better luck with it the second time around. Best wishes all the way around!

 

[dizz]

I'll see how it goes - if I get lucky and have a nice approaching full-term baby - I'll probably do it... if I end up in the situation I did before where they're too small to latch properly - I'll be going for bottle feeding expressed milk, moving over to formula a heck of a lot sooner than I did this time around. The extended hospital stay to try to get breastfeeding via nipples and not expressed milk going last time left me with such mental health problems and trauma I've got a horrible anxiety disorder (now running rife since I've had to stop my medication) and I still cry myself to sleep over it all now... NOT doing that again to satisfy random women in the street and cafe's judgy-pant hoiking tendencies or make some bloke in an NHS trust's breastfeeding figures look a bit nicer.

 

[24/7]

I'm pregnant again now, and have already decided that I won't be expressing this time, if BF goes well then great, if not I'm not wasting months of precious time with my babies attached to a pump! xx

 

[Evian260]

Same here, if BF doesn't work out, I won't be pumping.... pumping is hard work and I already have a toddler. Kudos to mommas who exclusively pump!

 

[Menelly]

OK, I may slap the ever loving daylights out of the next person who wants to "help" me with needing to wean. I've heard all sorts of "research the drugs" stuff and all sorts of "can't you just wait till she's older?" stuff and "you can't feed her that crap!" stuff and I'm about to bitch slap people for it.

I'm LUCKY that I get time to wean her, and that I can do things like add a bottle every few days (gives the boobs time to adjust, etc.) But that doesn't mean I want everyone and their damned fourth cousin to tell me why I'm wrong/bad here. I wasn't aware that "needing to take chemotherapy drugs" wasn't a good enough reason to feed my baby "that stuff". (My stepmom actually calls it that. "That stuff." Grr.)

Seriously, you'd think I was out murdering puppies rather than feeding from a bottle due to several medical conditions that require non-safe medications. GAAAAAAAAH!

 

[vintagecat]

Menelly, that's awful. Drugs and medication in your system while breastfeeding is incredibly dangerous. People should know better than to scoff at what you're doing. It seems completely insane to me to act like medication-laced breast milk is better than formula. Formula has safe ingredients for babies...medication in breast milk would never be okay!

 

[teazle]

I'm soon going to be in this group. I just can't eat enough to produce enough milk. I've had anorexia and depression in the past and it's enough of a struggle to eat sufficient to maintain my weight on a normal day. I managed to eat enough in pregnancy to grow a healthy baby, and have tried to keep that up for bf - but am failing miserably. I feel like I'm eating tonnes, but obviously am not. Was talked through how much I SHOULD be eating the other day, and just came home thinking it would push me over the edge. I can combination feed and eat according to appetite ok, but I know that eventually my supply will dry up with doing that. So it will be my fault - nothing physical. But then - surely a happy, sane mummy is better for my little boy than a stressed out, ill one. My milk doesn't agree with him anyway - he makes really acid poos on it, which are much better now I'm combo feeding. Will be reminding myself of that in a few weeks when we're fully feeding formula!

 

[luvmybabygirl]

New here, with a ton of guilt and grief on my shoulders.

My pregnancy was rough, long labor ending in very traumatic EMCS, baby with severe jaundice, 15% weight loss......all typical scary stuff.

She was EBF for 8 weeks. During that time she screamed and puked nonstop. Never slept more than 40 minutes.

i tried the diet, pumped, gave her zantac, she was miserable. i was on the verge of collapse. her pediatrician gently told me /i could stop.....i did

the baby was so much happier. the formula hardly gives her any problems. she takes a hypoallergenic one.


i am a mess however. filled with guilt and shame. worried that i ruined her life. She had a cold a couple weeks ago (caught from my BIL) and I knew it was just all my fault and that if she was BF she wouldn't get sick.

I am overwhelmed with feeling like a shit mom, we had originally planned on one child, now I almost feel like I need to have another one and do everything "right"

this is such an unfair pressure and guilt on us. Also I've got PPD, it's more of a chicken/egg question as things were such a mess I don't know what happened first

thanks for reading, ladies

 

[vintagecat]

New here, with a ton of guilt and grief on my shoulders.

My pregnancy was rough, long labor ending in very traumatic EMCS, baby with severe jaundice, 15% weight loss......all typical scary stuff.

She was EBF for 8 weeks. During that time she screamed and puked nonstop. Never slept more than 40 minutes.

i tried the diet, pumped, gave her zantac, she was miserable. i was on the verge of collapse. her pediatrician gently told me /i could stop.....i did

the baby was so much happier. the formula hardly gives her any problems. she takes a hypoallergenic one.


i am a mess however. filled with guilt and shame. worried that i ruined her life. She had a cold a couple weeks ago (caught from my BIL) and I knew it was just all my fault and that if she was BF she wouldn't get sick.

I am overwhelmed with feeling like a shit mom, we had originally planned on one child, now I almost feel like I need to have another one and do everything "right"

this is such an unfair pressure and guilt on us. Also I've got PPD, it's more of a chicken/egg question as things were such a mess I don't know what happened first

thanks for reading, ladies

I just wanted to say you are definitely not ruining your daughter's life. You said yourself that she is much happier and isn't that what we're supposed to do as parents? You tried whatever you could and I think you made the absolute best decision that you could. I don't think you deserve to feel so awful...Your baby loves you no matter what she's eating!

I'm having a really difficult time right now too. My baby is allergic to something I'm eating and she's absolutely miserable. I'm just so exhausted and she's never able to sleep, covered in a rash, and cries all of the time. I just feel like she's so unhappy with me.