The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[bookreader]

I EBF my baby for the first few weeks. within that time we didnt sleep for longer than around 50 mins. I stayed with it until i realised i was constantly tired and even going for a walk became difficult. this was no good for anyone.
We made the decision to give baby formula at night and what a difference. He is happier and i am happier.
He now gets formula mostly but will still get some breast milk until it dries up.

I just wish i had been warned how difficult it would be.
I dont regret it by any means, but maybe if i were to do it again i would be more prepared on what to expect.

 

[Evian260]

New here, with a ton of guilt and grief on my shoulders.

My pregnancy was rough, long labor ending in very traumatic EMCS, baby with severe jaundice, 15% weight loss......all typical scary stuff.

She was EBF for 8 weeks. During that time she screamed and puked nonstop. Never slept more than 40 minutes.

i tried the diet, pumped, gave her zantac, she was miserable. i was on the verge of collapse. her pediatrician gently told me /i could stop.....i did

the baby was so much happier. the formula hardly gives her any problems. she takes a hypoallergenic one.


i am a mess however. filled with guilt and shame. worried that i ruined her life. She had a cold a couple weeks ago (caught from my BIL) and I knew it was just all my fault and that if she was BF she wouldn't get sick.

I am overwhelmed with feeling like a shit mom, we had originally planned on one child, now I almost feel like I need to have another one and do everything "right"

this is such an unfair pressure and guilt on us. Also I've got PPD, it's more of a chicken/egg question as things were such a mess I don't know what happened first

thanks for reading, ladies

Massive to you. I too had PPD with my first and made the switch to FF. I just wanted to say that the reason your LO got a cold doesn't have any correlation to the fact she's not bf anymore. For perspective, I know of a girl who EBFs till age 3 and beyond, and her kids have been sick more times than I can count. My sons been sick maybe 4x and he was formula fed from 10 days on, and he's 18 months old.

 

[Bug222]

Hi ladies. I am currently dealing with the disappointment and guilt around a failed breastfeeding attempt.

I had a difficult pregnancy, severe morning sickness fot the first twenty weeks, two subschorionic hematomas, two kidney stones, and excruciating pain/immobility from 25 weeks on due to a partial spinal fusion n my lower back. I had a booked c-section at 38 weeks due to the back issue. That is where my guilt first started. I felt like I didn't have an opportunity to do things the "proper" way, even though I knew that this was the only safe way to deliver my little guy.
I was lucky enough to deliver in a hospital that has it's own maternity OR and recovery so my LO and DH come with me to recovery and we had a chance to attempt early BF and skin to skin. My LO was having nothing to do with it, I was told I had flat nipples and my LO was too small to get a good latch. They recommended using a nipple shield. We did ok in the hospital, my LO only lost 6% so were discharged home. He would fight feeding every time and as much as I tried to wean him off the nipple shield he wouldn't feed at all if I didn't use it.
At around 6 weeks our day consisted of my LO either screaming or feeding. He would feed for over an hour at a time, falling asleep at the breast but as soon as I tried to move his he would be awake and screaming again. He stopped gaining weight- went a whole week without even gaining an ounce. I was told to "try to get an extra feeding in". I was at my wits end and spent my days crying all day. It was at this point I decided to pump and bottle feed so that DH could do some of the feeds and I could get a break. when I started pumping I quickly realized I couldn't produce even half of what my LO wanted to take. No wonder he was always screaming, he was hungry.
So from 6 weeks till now my LO has been getting a combination of EBM and formula. I am finding it extremely difficult to pump during the day when DH is at work. I can't go out and do anything as the whole feeding, pumping routine takes so long. DH is going away for 4 days at the end of next week and I know that there is no way I can fit in pumping while having my LO on my own all day and night. So this weekend I started to wean myself from pumping and my LO will be on just formula.

I feel guilty, really guilty.

 

[Evian260]

 

[Lady_Bee]

Sending huge hugs to the new arrivals on this thread.

Bug, your story is quite similar to mine I'm sorry you feel so guilty - I understand and remember that feeling of guilt but please know that it really isn't your fault and guilt has no place in your decision here. The truth is that sometimes it just doesn't work and we do our best to feed our children regardless. You are not doing your little boy any disservice by feeding him formula. He will thrive and be just fine. Pumping is sooooo hard, I really don't know how anyone can do it without neglecting your baby, your partner, yourself, well heck everything! I hated pumping the whole time I was doing it because all I wanted was to spend that quality time with my sweet baby and my increasingly neglected husband.

I wanted to stop for so long but I kept on doing it because I was so terrified of not trying hard enough. Like that would make me a bad mother. What a load of nonsense.

I'm glad I snapped out of that insanity eventually! At 4.5 months. Wish I'd stopped sooner. I was depressed and just desperate really, all because of breastfeeding and pumping and my inability to produce enough milk. Crazy.

And I know that pumping is nothing short of soul destroying when you have a low milk supply as well. :/ I hated pumping and pumping and only getting an ounce. I just about wanted to chop off my stupid boobs. Grrrr.

Anyway...
You aren't alone. I hope you feel better in time. Big hugs. You can be the mother you want to be even without a natural birth and breastfeeding! There's no magic in any of those things... the best gift you can give your baby isn't breastmilk, it's your heart full of love and he knows it.

 

[Buddysmum89]

Anyone else sick of reading milk cartons and what not?

'Breast feeding is best for babies'..Yeah, way to go about making me feel better at the thought i cannot breast feed my son!..Really well done! :\

 

[vintagecat]

Anyone else sick of reading milk cartons and what not?

'Breast feeding is best for babies'..Yeah, way to go about making me feel better at the thought i cannot breast feed my son!..Really well done! :\

Cartons actually say that??? Jeez. It's like how they advertise cancer on packages of cigarettes. Formula isn't like buying cigarettes. That is so completely nuts. I would feel terrible making my purchases if I saw that!

 

[dizz]

Anyone else sick of reading milk cartons and what not?

'Breast feeding is best for babies'..Yeah, way to go about making me feel better at the thought i cannot breast feed my son!..Really well done! :\

Cartons actually say that??? Jeez. It's like how they advertise cancer on packages of cigarettes. Formula isn't like buying cigarettes. That is so completely nuts. I would feel terrible making my purchases if I saw that!

It's about the level of what they're planning on doing in New Zealand if they get their proposals through.

If anyone's seen it cos I know I've been asked if I'm from BnB - yes, the FFF Friday one from this week is me.

 

[fides]

dizz, just read your post over there - thanks so much for sharing that.

 

[socitycourty]

I read your post on FFF. It was amazing. I also submitted a story to her thinking it might help my healing process. I'm still struggling quite a bit even though we ended bf'ing about 10 weeks ago at least.

I even thought of relactation but then thought the stress of that would break me and then for her to have a problem with the milk again would probably kill me.

I had to take a long break from BnB as I was very depressed and really beating myself up all the time over this issue.

I don't even know if I want another baby or not because this whole experience has just made me feel guilty or horrible at every turn!

 

[Kage76]

I also submitted my story to FFF- pretty much what i wrote on here. I debated about doing it but i got so much help from hearing other peoples stories on here that i thought it might be helpful to someone other woman out there struggling.

 

[Anaconda]

Oh how happy I am to have found this thread!

It has been 15 days PP and the problem for me seems to be that my breasts just don't want to make enough milk for LO. She has no problems latching on, and infact, latches on perfectly. Its my stinking boobs that make me unable to BFE.

I only get 15-20ml when ever she BF and so i've been supplementing with a lactation aid with no success. I've also been pumping but absolutely hate it. Its so much work and by the time i'm done pumping I barely have time to spend time with OH or LO and do houseowrk, or even eat. For about a week after LO was born I hardly ate.

Anyways, today I made the decsion to FFE. I just can't handle the stress of not BF successfully anymore. I've even been taking medication to help my supply. Still no luck.

I can't help but feel so guilty and upset about it. I've been trying and trying but its tiring and upsetting every time I pump and only get 1/2oz if milk.

I think what makes the guilt so much more worse for me is that people look at me as a 17 year old who decided to FF instead of BF when that isn't the case. I've tried so hard to BF because "breast is best" apparently. I want what's best for my baby, but I feel like a failure.

OH is so supportive and says i've tried and its not my fault. My mom and family are actually all really supportive.

Ugh, still. I'm so upset that my milk doesn't want to come in. You know, I had my heart so set on BF

I'm FF not because i'm young and don't care to BF, but because i've tried and can't

 

[socitycourty]

Oh how happy I am to have found this thread!

It has been 15 days PP and the problem for me seems to be that my breasts just don't want to make enough milk for LO. She has no problems latching on, and infact, latches on perfectly. Its my stinking boobs that make me unable to BFE.

I only get 15-20ml when ever she BF and so i've been supplementing with a lactation aid with no success. I've also been pumping but absolutely hate it. Its so much work and by the time i'm done pumping I barely have time to spend time with OH or LO and do houseowrk, or even eat. For about a week after LO was born I hardly ate.

Anyways, today I made the decsion to FFE. I just can't handle the stress of not BF successfully anymore. I've even been taking medication to help my supply. Still no luck.

I can't help but feel so guilty and upset about it. I've been trying and trying but its tiring and upsetting every time I pump and only get 1/2oz if milk.

I think what makes the guilt so much more worse for me is that people look at me as a 17 year old who decided to FF instead of BF when that isn't the case. I've tried so hard to BF because "breast is best" apparently. I want what's best for my baby, but I feel like a failure.

OH is so supportive and says i've tried and its not my fault. My mom and family are actually all really supportive.

Ugh, still. I'm so upset that my milk doesn't want to come in. You know, I had my heart so set on BF

I'm FF not because i'm young and don't care to BF, but because i've tried and can't

Awww, well you'll get plenty of support here as everyone has tried and for various reasons could not BF. I'm sure that people will not think it's just down to your age. My mom was 27 when she had me and she FF by choice, LOL.

You will get through it and it's the best thing for your LO at this time. It's better for you to realize it and make the choice yourself rather than the dr telling you that your baby is sick or too small or whatever and that you have to stop and then scaring the wits out of you.

your LO will be OK!

 

[Nicoleoleole]

I have major guilt and depression at the moment.

My daughter breastfed until last week, so 27.5 months, never a drop of formula in her life.
My son was EBF but lost weight. He got his tongue ties cut (last Friday) and lost all ability to suck, so had to relearn. His tongue tie was one of the worst his doctor has ever seen, so he had been compensating really bad, but now that he's freed, he has no idea what to do with it.
I've been pumping ever 1.5 hours day and night but not making enough, so I turned to donor milk and formula.
I've never made a bottle of formula in my life!!
The medela symphony I'm renting gives me about 13oz/day out of my boobs pumping every 1.5 hours, and he drinks about 24 ounces, so he's like 40% formula fed, but might be more if he doesn't start breastfeeding again as I'm starting o dry up and my daughter weaned herself last week saying my milk tasted salty.

The guilt is that I gave my daughter 27.5 months of mommy milk but because of medical reasons, I had to give my son formula at 9 weeks.

He's recovering and relearning how to suck, but I doubt we'll be back breastfeeding full time without some sort of a miracle!

 

[fides]

Anaconda, you sound a lot like me - had my heart set on BF'g, but you need milk to come out to be able to do that. I still get the dirty looks/questions from others for bringing out the bottle, and I'm in my 30's. Anyway, welcome.

Nicole, welcome and

 

[Moodyblue85]

I am amazed at how many women struggle with breastfeeding. It is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world...so then why is it so difficult?!

My daughter will not latch onto the breast, despite having just about every midwife in the hospital grabbing my boobs and trying to get her to latch upto 4 days after birth. She had a ventouse and forceps delivery so her head and neck were sore, plus she had a tongue tie. From the beginning I expressed what I could, but she is a big baby and has always needed formula top ups.

In the past three weeks (my daughter is 3.5weeks old) I have been to a breastfeeding support group, had her tongue tie fixed and had the MW try to latch her on...it is an horrendous experience. She always ends up thrashing and screaming. It just seems that she does not open her mouth wide enough...and MW says she does not do the right thing with her tongue.

I have hired a hospital grade pump and pump whatever comes out, every 3 hours. It is nowhere near enough so she has loads of formula as well. Pumping gets me down sometimes, and I feel guilty for not pumping more, or if I miss a pumping session I have given up trying to latch her on as it is such a distressing experience for us both. The HV is pushing for me to keep trying, but my decision is final now. I will pump as much as I can and try not to feel bad for giving my girl formula.

I never thought breastfeeding would be a problem...during pregnancy I just imagined being able to scoop her up and feed her with no probs...so when she was born and would not feed, I had no idea how to make, store and use formula, had to rush out and buy a steriliser and bottles etc...I was so unprepared.

I think that the antenatal care was good overall, but I do criticise them or not preparing me for the scenario that I found myself in. When I took my baby home, I had no idea how much to feed her, how often...etc. it was a nightmare. Considering so many women struggle, they should prepare you better for potential problems. I felt they just assumed she would latch eventually...but she didn't.

We are all doing the best we can for our babies given the circumstances we find ourselves in, and we should not feel guilty. We do what we need to do and for all of us here, this means giving our babies formula milk. FF babies are fine. My mother was fed cows milk exclusively as a baby and she was fine!

Let us banish the guilt, and be happy mummies! Xx

 

[Shineystar]

Thanks for this thread!

I have today had to switch on to formula full time. LO is 10 days old.

She latched on well and fed well for first few days, but i started to really hurt at the ends of my nipples. I had a few days of feeling feverish etc but i thought it was sleep depravation (had 2 very unsettled nights with 4 hrs sleep each overall).

Then my nipples became pussy and infected looking, turned out i had mastitis. I had been expressing as it was not painful at all compared with feeding. at 6am I expressed and the EBM had so much blood in it that we just didn't feel right giving it to her. (I know they say its fine but there was ALOT of blood there!). So we made the decision there and then.

My baby is now content, eating well and sleeping well so I feel we have made the right decision, but i do feel guilty as she wont get as much skin to skin, and I'm dreading going to the local baby group as i know most of them BF... I'm also feeling i need to explain myself to everyone..

Anyways, I'm looking forward to being a part of this section of the forum

 

[socitycourty]

 

[vintagecat]

Thanks for this thread!

I have today had to switch on to formula full time. LO is 10 days old.

She latched on well and fed well for first few days, but i started to really hurt at the ends of my nipples. I had a few days of feeling feverish etc but i thought it was sleep depravation (had 2 very unsettled nights with 4 hrs sleep each overall).

Then my nipples became pussy and infected looking, turned out i had mastitis. I had been expressing as it was not painful at all compared with feeding. at 6am I expressed and the EBM had so much blood in it that we just didn't feel right giving it to her. (I know they say its fine but there was ALOT of blood there!). So we made the decision there and then.

My baby is now content, eating well and sleeping well so I feel we have made the right decision, but i do feel guilty as she wont get as much skin to skin, and I'm dreading going to the local baby group as i know most of them BF... I'm also feeling i need to explain myself to everyone..

Anyways, I'm looking forward to being a part of this section of the forum

I just wanted to say that when women explain to me why they can't breastfeed, that it makes me feel terrible. All I care about seeing is a happy healthy baby. How and why they are fed is none of my business. Any woman who breastfeeds will certainly understand the pain and exhaustion you experienced. It doesn't make you any less of a mother than me.

 

[fides]

shiney, so sorry things went that way for you. i hope the guilt lessens soon and that you don't encounter too many nosy moms.