The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Twinkie210]

I have read a little of this thread, trying to find a place where I fit in. I ff DS #1 without hesitation. I was young and a full time college student, so bfing really would not have worked for us. I desperately wanted to bf DS #2, but it didn't work out. He wouldn't latch well and wasn't gaining weight so I started bottle feeding him. I chose to EP, which has been going well. He gets some formula feeds, but mostly breastmilk. I have a hard time finding places where I fit in, because I am not techincally breast feeding, but he doesn't take all formula either. I do post in te EP thread, but it is kind of slow.

So I thought I might post here. It was a very difficult decision to stop breast feeding him at a week old, but I know in my heart it was the right decision for us. I just wish that more people were understanding. It seems like most people assume that I was just lazy and didn't want to work at it. But really I quit because I wanted my son to be happy and well fed and he wasn't getting that eating off the boob! And anyone who thinks I was just being lazy, should try EPing it is definately not for lazy people!

So I just wanted to say that you are very courageous. It takes a lot to give up breastfeeding when you had your mind set on it. In my eyes you are all wonderful Mommy's for putting your children's needs over what society thinks you should do

 

[GenYsuperlady]

I EP'd for 17 days and couldn't handle it...it's double the work!!! You're a saint in my book. And I agree with the reason for switching being your LO and his nutrition. I wasn't willing to let my DD burn precious calories trying to inefficiently BF when she could get good weight gain more easily nthr bottle!

For the record, I believe EPing IS BFing

 

[socitycourty]

I hated every minute of every time i had to pump......it felt weird and my body didn't respond well to the pump

 

[fides]

I hated every minute of every time i had to pump......it felt weird and my body didn't respond well to the pump

same here, and i was usually holding a screaming or crying baby at the same time, which only made it worse.

 

[Twinkie210]

Thanks for the kind words I consider myself breastfeeding too, but I just don't seem to fit in on all the boards, since my baby never actually drinks from the breast I guess I lucked out that little guy is fairly quiet baby and will give me 20 minutes to pump!

What kind of bottles are you guys using? Little guy seems to maybe have a touch of reflux and was just wanting to know if you guys prefer one kind of bottle over another? We are using Dr. Brown's bottles right now and I really like them...

 

[GenYsuperlady]

Also using Dr. Browns. My LO also has a touch of reflux - she does better if we keep her at least semi upright after feeds

 

[dizz]

I EP'd for 17 days and couldn't handle it...it's double the work!!! You're a saint in my book. And I agree with the reason for switching being your LO and his nutrition. I wasn't willing to let my DD burn precious calories trying to inefficiently BF when she could get good weight gain more easily nthr bottle!

For the record, I believe EPing IS BFing

When my health visitor had to do forms or whatever - she had me down as ticking the breastfeeding box when I was pumping (mind you they have targets to hit and stuff)... of course then you're still up against the hoiky-knickers brigade when you pull out a bottle in public who assume that, horror of horror it's PRE-MADE FORMULA (cos a pre-made bottle's like bonus points in the evil stakes)!!!

It was a miserable existence for me though - think I stuck out the best part of two months of it - always said I'd give her till she was the equivalent of full-term gestation and when she still couldn't latch and the breast pump broke - I took the hint.

 

[socitycourty]

I use BornFree bottles for reflux and they're working for us. I couldn't get the hang of Dr. Brown's LOL

 

[GenYsuperlady]

That story is so similar to mine.

I felt it was cruel that the LC's and nurses were making LO work so hard to breastfeed (she could latch...but then just sat there and barely suckled--she was also a bit preemie and wasn't getting nearly enough breastmilk to support her weight). I felt that by giving her a bottle (which she took much more easily) I was actually advocating for her health! I pumped breast milk for a while but began to lose my sanity at the time it took and how depressing it was to feel like a dairy cow.

I work in pediatrics and have preached breast is best for years...boy do I feel silly for the lack of understanding I demonstrated in the past...I will be better at my job because of my BF "failure."

Sending big hugs and thanks for sharing...your story is helping others!

 

[Faythe]

I've just switched to FF after 10 weeks of EP'ing. It was making me miserable and the last week or so I've had major oversupply issues which left me in agony and needing to pump every hour (and even then I wasn't able to empty). Got prescribed some medication to dry up my supply as I wasn't able to stop on my own.

Feel guilty about it in all honesty. I don't think FF is bad at all, I just feel like I've failed a bit. I couldn't feed directly due to a forcefull letdown that never let up for the entire feed and now this.

Here's hoping i'll feel less crappy as time goes on

 

[daddiesgift]

Glad I found this thread as Ive been thinking is there ANYWHERE out there for people who feel like me?? So many breast feeding support groups, no formula feeding support groups.

Ive been feeling so torn lately, depressed, bitter. You think I would be use to this as Ive gone through it before.

"Quick" back ground: I have a 16 month old (tomorrow) whom I was so dead set on breast feeding formula never even crossed my mind. I went to countless lactation classes and read so many books I just knew it was for us. Of course that didnt happen. He had horrible Reflux (GER) as well as protein allergy to soy and diary. I stopped breast feeding when I got mastitis for the 2nd time. I couldnt take it anymore I was constantly depressed, sick, he was sick, I felt it hurt our bond at the time as I was terrified of him wanting to eat because the pain was so unbearable and he was relentless. He received breast milk about 6 weeks. I went through about a month of feeling like the worse mother ever for stopping and of course with any problem that arose I immediatly blamed formula as everyone and everything made it seem like poison.

I started to love bottle feeding and resenting breast feeding of course I know its best so when I fell pregnant again I said I would try it but if I stopped I would feel no guilt. I would at least try to make it as long as I did with my oldest. Well 9 days in mastitis came again and I was engorged the whole 7 days I had milk even though I was doing "everything right" everyone I asked said his latch looked okay, one lactation specialist told me to get his tongue checked out. Well he was colicky and gassy..once again told another baby with protein allergy. I was so exhausted and in such pain once again I said forget it. I didnt feel bad at first but the last few days have been getting to me. Idk why.

Im back to blaming his problems on the formula, im tired of seeing these breast feeding photos of happy moms and babies wondering why wasnt it like that for us? I see photos of babies latched and I can see their nipples! But why was I made to shove my breast in their mouths or "the pain will just get worse" why isnt that the case for them? Both times I was so tired of hearing just give it a few more days, the soreness will get better, the engorgement will go away but no not for me. Maybe this time I didnt wait long enough but why wasnt it like that the first time around? I feel bitter towards the whole situation. I feel every thing I read and heard was a lie, just to get you to do it then once you started to guilt you in to continuing. Of course Im not mad at the babies or people who do breast feed I think if you can do it you should Im just mad at myself for it not working for me. I always thought I was very strong and could take anything more than most could but THIS I cant? I feel like a failure. I produce the milk, geez too much at that and my babies tried to breast feed but I still gave up. I wish this feeling would go away and people could understand.

My milk hasnt dried up yet, its not a lot but I drip sometimes so I know its there. Ive tried to breast feed him twice since stopping but my husband told me it wasnt worth it. He was always supportive but this last time him having to bathe me and help me walk from having the fever so bad he doesnt want me to do it at all. I think he is upset seeing me upset. The formula we have to use is so expensive and I keep thinking maybe if I relactate it will help with my guilt and with the costs of formula but idk. "Leaking" makes me even more depressed like my body is telling me "you still have a chance!"

I do love bottle feeding, I did it a year with my oldest and I found it to be easier. I grew to enjoy it. This time we are in a routine and again I feel it is easier than breast feeding and if I do get my milk back to full force (im not trying) would I REALLY be happy or would I once again see how it is for us and stop?? If you could would you try again? Would you try and relactate? I want my son to be happy and healthy, I know formula is not poison..my 16 month old is happy, healthy and so smart. Having grown out of reflux and his allergy. I see him and think why am I even worrying myself with this?

Apart of me wants to try again, just pumping I would do with formula. Apart of me wishes Id just dry up and that be that.

Sorry so long and random..im just having one of those days. I hope someone somewhere can relate.

 

[fides]

awww, hun, hoping things start to get better for you and your family soon

 

[GenYsuperlady]

Oh I so relate to the leaking causing more guilt...

I've stopped leaking now but last night I had a dream that I really wanted to BF again, so I started pumping and taking Fenugreek and putting her on the nipple. I was so sure it would work and was sooo excited...I almost thought the dream was real. Wtf!

 

[daddiesgift]

Thanks ladies, I just needed to get that off my chest. Im feeling a tad better today..not as sad but not "over it"" I know it will take some time.

 

[tigerlilly]

i'm going through the same thing and it breaks my heart.

 

[daddiesgift]

Well I rented a hospital grade pump today to try and get my supply back up since I feel if there is still milk there is still a chance? Idk! I'm still going to bottle feed and formula feed since it works for our family but I think ill feel better if I can at least give him a little breast milk. If I quit this time then that's it! I guess we'll just see what happens

 

[tigerlilly]

good luck x

 

[GenYsuperlady]

Wishing you luck!!!

 

[Kage76]

Well I rented a hospital grade pump today to try and get my supply back up since I feel if there is still milk there is still a chance? Idk! I'm still going to bottle feed and formula feed since it works for our family but I think ill feel better if I can at least give him a little breast milk. If I quit this time then that's it! I guess we'll just see what happens

as my lovely nurse said - the benefits of breastfeeding are still there if its one feed or 50.

do what you can, and judge it by how you feel- if you are happy combi feeding continue- if it breaks your heart stop.

your baby will be FINE on formula.

 

[fides]

huge to the new moms.

so, i'm the FFF post this week - many thanks to dizz for inspiring me to get that down a few months ago - would not have done that had i not been so moved by your FFF post.