Glad I found this thread as Ive been thinking is there ANYWHERE out there for people who feel like me?? So many breast feeding support groups, no formula feeding support groups.
Ive been feeling so torn lately, depressed, bitter. You think I would be use to this as Ive gone through it before.
"Quick" back ground: I have a 16 month old (tomorrow) whom I was so dead set on breast feeding formula never even crossed my mind. I went to countless lactation classes and read so many books I just knew it was for us. Of course that didnt happen. He had horrible Reflux (GER) as well as protein allergy to soy and diary. I stopped breast feeding when I got mastitis for the 2nd time. I couldnt take it anymore I was constantly depressed, sick, he was sick, I felt it hurt our bond at the time as I was terrified of him wanting to eat because the pain was so unbearable and he was relentless. He received breast milk about 6 weeks. I went through about a month of feeling like the worse mother ever for stopping and of course with any problem that arose I immediatly blamed formula as everyone and everything made it seem like poison.
I started to love bottle feeding and resenting breast feeding of course I know its best so when I fell pregnant again I said I would try it but if I stopped I would feel no guilt. I would at least try to make it as long as I did with my oldest. Well 9 days in mastitis came again and I was engorged the whole 7 days I had milk even though I was doing "everything right" everyone I asked said his latch looked okay, one lactation specialist told me to get his tongue checked out. Well he was colicky and gassy..once again told another baby with protein allergy. I was so exhausted and in such pain once again I said forget it. I didnt feel bad at first but the last few days have been getting to me. Idk why.
Im back to blaming his problems on the formula, im tired of seeing these breast feeding photos of happy moms and babies wondering why wasnt it like that for us? I see photos of babies latched and I can see their nipples! But why was I made to shove my breast in their mouths or "the pain will just get worse" why isnt that the case for them? Both times I was so tired of hearing just give it a few more days, the soreness will get better, the engorgement will go away but no not for me. Maybe this time I didnt wait long enough but why wasnt it like that the first time around? I feel bitter towards the whole situation. I feel every thing I read and heard was a lie, just to get you to do it then once you started to guilt you in to continuing. Of course Im not mad at the babies or people who do breast feed I think if you can do it you should Im just mad at myself for it not working for me. I always thought I was very strong and could take anything more than most could but THIS I cant? I feel like a failure. I produce the milk, geez too much at that and my babies tried to breast feed but I still gave up. I wish this feeling would go away and people could understand.
My milk hasnt dried up yet, its not a lot but I drip sometimes so I know its there. Ive tried to breast feed him twice since stopping but my husband told me it wasnt worth it. He was always supportive but this last time him having to bathe me and help me walk from having the fever so bad he doesnt want me to do it at all. I think he is upset seeing me upset. The formula we have to use is so expensive and I keep thinking maybe if I relactate it will help with my guilt and with the costs of formula but idk. "Leaking" makes me even more depressed like my body is telling me "you still have a chance!"
I do love bottle feeding, I did it a year with my oldest and I found it to be easier. I grew to enjoy it. This time we are in a routine and again I feel it is easier than breast feeding and if I do get my milk back to full force (im not trying) would I REALLY be happy or would I once again see how it is for us and stop?? If you could would you try again? Would you try and relactate? I want my son to be happy and healthy, I know formula is not poison..my 16 month old is happy, healthy and so smart. Having grown out of reflux and his allergy. I see him and think why am I even worrying myself with this?
Apart of me wants to try again, just pumping I would do with formula. Apart of me wishes Id just dry up and that be that.
Sorry so long and random..im just having one of those days. I hope someone somewhere can relate.